I'm really missing you today. We had a house full of guests over the holidays...all of your family was here running around like crazy, enjoying the festivities of your Auntie's engagement and a Thanksgiving feast! Ellie and Nicholas were here too...they would have really loved you. You would have loved them. They were busy playing with trucks and dolls and exploring the backyard. Ellie and I combed the beach for sea glass and ran from the waves before they touched our feet. I didn't realize how much I was missing you in all of this until everyone left...until the house was quiet again. It was then I realized what we're missing in not having you here.
I had dreamed of your joy and laughter and even cries filling our little house. Every space would have been occupied with your presence...with your life. Now, we sit empty...and after having the kids here for a week, my heart grieves even more the silence that embodies us.
For the most part we're doing really well. Your memorial service was so healing. I didn't want to let that dove go...I felt I was finally letting you go...but after releasing it and watching it join the rest of the flock, I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. Thanks for being there with us. Thanks for showing up. I feel the reality of your heavenly presence even more now than I did before. Your ashes are no longer sitting on our book shelf and your baby blanket is no longer in view. My heart deeply misses you, but I'm thankful to have stepped further into healing.
Another change is that we're pregnant again! We're not sure whether we're 2 or 3 months along - we still have to visit the doctor - but its exciting none the less :) I know that this child will never replace you, but only add to our family. I've been pushing away the fears that something is wrong with this child too. The pregnancy has been relatively easy so far compared to when I carried you, so in some ways it feels too good to be true. Hopefully it is just the grace of God.
I miss you my sweet girl. I miss the sounds that never came from your beautiful mouth. I miss the memories that will never be....but I'm thankful for the time I did have with you. I'm thankful that you are safe and comfortable, away from the pain and struggle of this world. I'm thankful for you.
With all my heart,
Your Mommy
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Memorial Service for Sarah Elizabeth...
Hello again,
It's been a while since we have written concerning Sarah Elizabeth. Six months have passed since her birth and we have slowly been moving forward in healing and restoration of our hearts. We have decided that it is time to do a memorial service. We questioned doing one at all, but have found that our hearts really need this closure.
It is not necessary to wear the traditional "black" - just come as you are, there is no need to dress up unless you want to.
Thank you. We really look forward to seeing you there.
Joseph and Jennifer Dalton
It's been a while since we have written concerning Sarah Elizabeth. Six months have passed since her birth and we have slowly been moving forward in healing and restoration of our hearts. We have decided that it is time to do a memorial service. We questioned doing one at all, but have found that our hearts really need this closure.
We wanted to extend an open invitation to anyone who would like to come. The service is at noon, it will be a simple and short service to honor God and to honor Sarah. We chose this time for those that may be working so you can stop by on your lunch break.
Memorial Service for Sarah Elizabeth Dalton
Friday, November 21st, 2008 at twelve o'clock noon
Santa Barbara Cemetery
901 Channel Dr
Santa Barbara, CA 93108
Friday, November 21st, 2008 at twelve o'clock noon
Santa Barbara Cemetery
901 Channel Dr
Santa Barbara, CA 93108
It is not necessary to wear the traditional "black" - just come as you are, there is no need to dress up unless you want to.
Thank you. We really look forward to seeing you there.
Joseph and Jennifer Dalton
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Healing for the Heart
Check out the new website for our ministry Healing for the Heart! We started the journey into this alternative approach to counseling right around the time Sarah was conceived....so her life and our journey with her and intimately intertwined with this ministry. We are so thankful for all that she taught us in her short life here on earth...we will forever be grateful.
Click here....Healing for the Heart website!
Click here....Healing for the Heart website!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
6 months
It's hard to believe tomorrow will mark 6 months since I gave birth to Sarah. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday. Other days I feel as if the whole thing was just a dream. Joseph's sister Laura created this beautiful image out of Sarah's footprints...I've loved looking at it every day as I wake up as a reminder of the journey, the loss and the gain.
Yesterday when I saw her footprints, something in me unraveled. It brought back memories of her sweet spirit within me. Her strong kick to my ribs (which I would give anything to have back!) The journey of giving birth to her as a stillborn. I remember laying on the hospital bed and being told "her heart is no longer beating". It was the most devastating end to such a heroic fight for life and for justice. I looked at Joseph and said, "I'm not pushing a dead baby out. They can cut me open. I'm done."
As we sat in the dry, empty room, my mind passed back over the journey and something in me shifted. I had fought for an entire pregnancy, why would I give up now? I don't know if it was the mother within me, or the desire to finish what we had started...but some kind of hope rose up in me and I knew I had to go through with the labor. How could I opt out for a c-section after all that we had been through? I felt like I owed it to Sarah...she deserved a natural entry into this world...even though she would never call it home.
Memories flooded back of holding Sarah. Her long legs and her cute little stomach. Her soft hands and her beautiful head of hair. I have regrets. I regret allowing the nurse to take her from my arms when she did. Why didn't I say no? Why didn't I request more time with my daughter? This was my only chance to hold her in this lifetime. I regret not taking more pictures of Joseph and I holding her. I regret not taking time with her myself. Alone. Just mom and daughter. It all happened so fast and people were busy coming in and out of the room. I regret opening the bag they brought in shortly after they took her away, only to find the outfit we had dressed her in all folded up and back in our hands. Why did they give me these so soon? Why did they leave her naked? I couldn't help but picture my sweet little girl...all alone, naked and cold. I wish they would have kept her clothes on. I wish I wouldn't have opened the bag.
I miss my little girl, but life goes on. We're moving forward and doing our best to balance "remembering" Sarah with staying in the moment of today - not the past. I realized today that I still have a lot to work through. Six months has just scratched the surface of all of my questions, doubts, regrets, confusion, etc. In my heart, I know that Sarah is in the best place possible. She's among the best company we could ask for. I sometimes daydream of Sarah playing in Heaven with Joseph's father Jack. I imagine the look in his eyes as he gazes at our daughter - does he see his son in her? Is he getting a glimpse of me, the daughter-in-law he was never able to meet? I hope they've met...I hope they're in each others arms.
I still need to work through the healing of "why didn't it turn out different?" Why are all my friends having perfectly healthy babies with no complications? Some are 3, 4, 5 healthy kids down the road. My sister-in-law just announced that she's pregnant with her 3rd. As excited as I was to imagine another niece or nephew in our lives, I couldn't help but feel the sadness creep in. Why aren't we pregnant again God? When will you allow us to have children? Is there more healing you want for me before I get pregnant? If so...please, bring it quickly...to have a child in my arms - a child we call our own - I think I will fall to my face in thanksgiving and joy.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Days have passed...
It's been 6 weeks since I walked out of Cottage Hospital and straight into the face of grief. 6 weeks since my body shrunk and left behind a beautiful sleeping child in the hands of her Creator. Days have passed...and are still passing...
I'm not sure where to start, but I wanted to share with you how Joseph and I are holding up since the passing of our precious Sarah Elizabeth. Joseph has definitely worn the pain a lot more gracefully than I can admit to...but I know also that he didn't have the experience of carrying Sarah and connecting with her every hour of every day. The grief is real and the loss is tangible, but his heart is grateful and his eyes full of life. For me, on the other hand...let's just say that if I had been given the task of writing updates on this blog, well, they wouldn't have washed over you quite as nicely as Joseph's words did. Don't get me wrong...my heart said "yes" to every word he wrote. I'm thankful for the way he positioned his heart. It allowed all of us to join in the journey that God had so evidently orchestrated. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it had been my hands writing the updates...it would have looked more like a chaotic combination of instruments rather than a peaceful river of music.
So how are we now? Well...it depends on the day, the hour and often even the minute that you may ask. Some days I'm filled with joy and thankfulness, others I give life my best effort and may only get to the end of our driveway before turning around and deciding I'm not ready to face the world. Every car seat and stroller, pregnant woman and baby girl seem to pull the plug on my never ending tears...it seems that everything around me reminds me of Sarah and the loss of my motherhood. I know that we will have healthy children when the time comes to get pregnant again...but the reality is that I wanted my beautiful little girl in my arms NOW, not someday when I make my way into life after death. I had spent 9 months preparing my heart, my mind, my emotions and even my home for this sweet little girl to be joining our family. 9 months passed and instead of giving birth to a healthy little girl like we had dreamed and hoped and prayed for...I gave birth to silence. And that silence seems to be what I'm fighting the most in this sadness. My home, even though she never was here, seems to be so silent with her laughter and cries missing. It's a silence that no music can fill...a void that seems to be a sort of endless pit.
I have hope.
Although my arms are empty and my heart full of pain and loss, I know that my little girl is in the best possible place we could ask for as her parents. I know that God is good and that in the midst of all of this, His character and His incredible destiny for us has not been shaken or moved. I know that there are people going through pain and grief so similar to mine every day of every year...
Yet all that "knowing" still doesn't erase what I'm feeling. So...I'm learning to be real. I'm learning that its okay to "not be okay". I'm learning that for once, I don't have to be strong or spiritual about all of this...but that I can sit back and rest and cry and take the time I need to breathe through all that's needing to be processed. I have a husband that is incredibly patient and loving and family and friends who I know are praying and loving me the best they know how. I'm so thankful for all of that. I'm so grateful to "know" and have a foundation with God that has allowed me to ask the hard questions and look into the pain without ignoring the truth of how wonderful our Father truly is.
I wanted to let you all know that we are well. It has been hard (that may be an understatement), but it has also been beautiful and surprisingly special. I'm thankful that God chose us to walk through Sarah's 9 months of life with her...I have so much to learn from her. Although to some, she seems like only a passing wind, I know that Sarah will be a part of our lives forever. She will forever be our daughter and we will forever be her mom and dad.
Thanks again for all the prayers and support that continue to come our way...all the flowers and cards and meals. You all have been such an encouragement to Joseph and I. Thank you.
We are hoping to continue to update The Sarah Pages as time goes on...so check back every once in a while to see if we've taken the time to write again :) We have loved sharing in this journey with all of you and hope to continue to share with you in all that's to come...
With a thankful heart,
Jen (and Joseph)
I'm not sure where to start, but I wanted to share with you how Joseph and I are holding up since the passing of our precious Sarah Elizabeth. Joseph has definitely worn the pain a lot more gracefully than I can admit to...but I know also that he didn't have the experience of carrying Sarah and connecting with her every hour of every day. The grief is real and the loss is tangible, but his heart is grateful and his eyes full of life. For me, on the other hand...let's just say that if I had been given the task of writing updates on this blog, well, they wouldn't have washed over you quite as nicely as Joseph's words did. Don't get me wrong...my heart said "yes" to every word he wrote. I'm thankful for the way he positioned his heart. It allowed all of us to join in the journey that God had so evidently orchestrated. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it had been my hands writing the updates...it would have looked more like a chaotic combination of instruments rather than a peaceful river of music.
So how are we now? Well...it depends on the day, the hour and often even the minute that you may ask. Some days I'm filled with joy and thankfulness, others I give life my best effort and may only get to the end of our driveway before turning around and deciding I'm not ready to face the world. Every car seat and stroller, pregnant woman and baby girl seem to pull the plug on my never ending tears...it seems that everything around me reminds me of Sarah and the loss of my motherhood. I know that we will have healthy children when the time comes to get pregnant again...but the reality is that I wanted my beautiful little girl in my arms NOW, not someday when I make my way into life after death. I had spent 9 months preparing my heart, my mind, my emotions and even my home for this sweet little girl to be joining our family. 9 months passed and instead of giving birth to a healthy little girl like we had dreamed and hoped and prayed for...I gave birth to silence. And that silence seems to be what I'm fighting the most in this sadness. My home, even though she never was here, seems to be so silent with her laughter and cries missing. It's a silence that no music can fill...a void that seems to be a sort of endless pit.
I have hope.
Although my arms are empty and my heart full of pain and loss, I know that my little girl is in the best possible place we could ask for as her parents. I know that God is good and that in the midst of all of this, His character and His incredible destiny for us has not been shaken or moved. I know that there are people going through pain and grief so similar to mine every day of every year...
Yet all that "knowing" still doesn't erase what I'm feeling. So...I'm learning to be real. I'm learning that its okay to "not be okay". I'm learning that for once, I don't have to be strong or spiritual about all of this...but that I can sit back and rest and cry and take the time I need to breathe through all that's needing to be processed. I have a husband that is incredibly patient and loving and family and friends who I know are praying and loving me the best they know how. I'm so thankful for all of that. I'm so grateful to "know" and have a foundation with God that has allowed me to ask the hard questions and look into the pain without ignoring the truth of how wonderful our Father truly is.
I wanted to let you all know that we are well. It has been hard (that may be an understatement), but it has also been beautiful and surprisingly special. I'm thankful that God chose us to walk through Sarah's 9 months of life with her...I have so much to learn from her. Although to some, she seems like only a passing wind, I know that Sarah will be a part of our lives forever. She will forever be our daughter and we will forever be her mom and dad.
Thanks again for all the prayers and support that continue to come our way...all the flowers and cards and meals. You all have been such an encouragement to Joseph and I. Thank you.
We are hoping to continue to update The Sarah Pages as time goes on...so check back every once in a while to see if we've taken the time to write again :) We have loved sharing in this journey with all of you and hope to continue to share with you in all that's to come...
With a thankful heart,
Jen (and Joseph)
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
99 Balloons...
An old friend sent a video link to me the other day. It's a short video (6 minutes), but helped bring some much needed healing to my heart. It's a story about another couple who went through a similar journey to Joseph and mine...only this family was graced with 99 days with their little Eliot. Please watch, we really think you'd be as blessed as we were. (thanks to Stone Crandall for recommending it!)
99 Balloons
In case the above link doesn't work...here is the web address: http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons
much love, jen
99 Balloons
In case the above link doesn't work...here is the web address: http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons
much love, jen
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Words From Jen's Journal
"Meditation is old and honorable, so why should I
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, properly
attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion.
Can one be passionate about the just, the ideal, the
sublime, and the holy, and yet commit to no labor
in it's cause? I don't think so.
All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds towards radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of - indolence, or action.
Be ignited, or be gone." - Mary Oliver
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, properly
attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion.
Can one be passionate about the just, the ideal, the
sublime, and the holy, and yet commit to no labor
in it's cause? I don't think so.
All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds towards radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of - indolence, or action.
Be ignited, or be gone." - Mary Oliver
I know there is more to this journey than simply a great tragedy. I know that mixed into the grieving and the pain are laces of humor and joy, romance and love. I can't help but think of my Sarah as a seed of kindness, sown into my womb by Joseph... and developed and nurtured in grace by God. The seed was planted deep within me on my birthday - a gift I will never forget. My state of weakness and silence from my Father left me in a vulnerable seat I called home for the last nine months. Daily Joseph would visit my heart in this seat - carefully tending to the fragile seed within me that we now know to call Sarah. He watered me with his love and encouragement, his affection, his grace and compassion. He spoke to me of the wisdom of God - of the truth that he is so familiar with, because of pain resurrected into joy in the past. Laughter was slowly filling his cup and from it, he poured into me. God spoke to Joseph - Joseph spoke to my heart - and the seed grew.
Sarah was more than a seed, she represented life, joy, courage, endurance, fight, grace and kindness. She represented victory over this consuming world of pain and loss. When i thought she had lived her last day, she'd gently remind me of her presence by a soft blow to the ribs... and sure enough, the water would pour a fresh from Joseph's heart and give me the courage to carry her yet another day. I can honestly say it was never easy. I never felt confident to move forward without the arms of my Joseph carrying me - and the arms of our Father, invisible as they may have seemed, wrapped around the three of us ever so tightly. His touch was never felt. His breath never heard - but His manifestation was made known through my husbands willing ear to hear.
Sarah was a gift on so many different levels - she was a seed of kindness planted in my womb. She was a humble, beautiful heart seen in my husbands sacrificial love and service. She was the invisible voice of God only making itself visible through the words written on the Sarah Pages. She was my grace in the morning - my reason to live. She was a gift immeasurable. I know God's plans far exceed my own - but my aching breasts and my love filled arms already miss the weight of her presence. I can't understand why she's better off next to you in Heaven Father - but I surrender my trust to you - for i really don't have another choice. If I choose anger or frustration, I wouldn't be true to what my heart knows of you. If I choose silence and distance, my heart will grow famished... For now it needs love more than ever. So I choose love - even though it comes with pain and sorrow, grieving and loss. I would be lying to myself and others if I didn't take the time my heart needs to breath out all the pain - all the loss. I've suffered an incredible loss, the loss of my motherhood - and that void will have to sit empty for awhile. Only God knows what's next...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
"running with the wild horses..."
This entry is from an email I received from my friend Joyce in Ontario. I felt it should be shared here. Thanks Joyce!
"Your story of Sarah makes me want to share so much, and maybe I will one day. All I want to say right now is that I feel your journey of running with the wild horses...of running with the river. ..letting its current make you run faster than you would have on your own steam. I feel your abandonment to it, feeling the scrape of the rocks and other things but letting the exhilaration of where you are going pull you along. It's a nervous and adrenalin pumping run, but when you collapse on the bank of the river, you feel the breeze on your wet skin and the throbbing of bruised and beaten up limbs.... and when your heart eventually quiets, you will feel the sun penetrate you and something happening inside. When you are rested and ready, you'll know when it is time to get up and see what happens next. And you'll never doubt that you should have run so full on with the currant. The bruises and the scrapes will be healed. And you will see with the eyes of your heart that it was all worth it. That by opening the door to Sarah, you opened the door to so much more...her decision to come to earth was a fight for others who are not fought for....things will be different for those who do not have a voice, for she stands before the Lord with the voice of authourity, speaking for those other little ones who agreed to come to earth and for their parents who do not open a door for them. things will never be the same here on earth because of Sarah and because of you. In the secret and the quiet place where God is vulnerable and gives Himself and lets part of Himself manifest and grow into a little baby, there is holiness, and there is a healthy fear of the Lord. Sarah fought for that.
Please put this away if it's not good for you. Please forgive me if it's not right. I feel joy and triumph for Sarah and for your spirits. My soul identifies somewhat with your journey of walking to the cross...like Mary who watched her baby walk to his cross, taking her heart with him."
I love you guys from up here in Ontario. Thank you for including me.
your sister and friend
Joyce
"Your story of Sarah makes me want to share so much, and maybe I will one day. All I want to say right now is that I feel your journey of running with the wild horses...of running with the river. ..letting its current make you run faster than you would have on your own steam. I feel your abandonment to it, feeling the scrape of the rocks and other things but letting the exhilaration of where you are going pull you along. It's a nervous and adrenalin pumping run, but when you collapse on the bank of the river, you feel the breeze on your wet skin and the throbbing of bruised and beaten up limbs.... and when your heart eventually quiets, you will feel the sun penetrate you and something happening inside. When you are rested and ready, you'll know when it is time to get up and see what happens next. And you'll never doubt that you should have run so full on with the currant. The bruises and the scrapes will be healed. And you will see with the eyes of your heart that it was all worth it. That by opening the door to Sarah, you opened the door to so much more...her decision to come to earth was a fight for others who are not fought for....things will be different for those who do not have a voice, for she stands before the Lord with the voice of authourity, speaking for those other little ones who agreed to come to earth and for their parents who do not open a door for them. things will never be the same here on earth because of Sarah and because of you. In the secret and the quiet place where God is vulnerable and gives Himself and lets part of Himself manifest and grow into a little baby, there is holiness, and there is a healthy fear of the Lord. Sarah fought for that.
Please put this away if it's not good for you. Please forgive me if it's not right. I feel joy and triumph for Sarah and for your spirits. My soul identifies somewhat with your journey of walking to the cross...like Mary who watched her baby walk to his cross, taking her heart with him."
I love you guys from up here in Ontario. Thank you for including me.
your sister and friend
Joyce
Sunday, April 20, 2008
From us to you (News of Sarah's Passing)
From us to you –
Jen and I wanted to let everyone know what has recently taken place concerning Sarah. A few days ago our time of caring for her came to an end. Sarah is no longer with us. She is now free and enjoying all that God has for her. We are so thankful for that. We are so glad she could go be with Him before ever knowing the kind of pain we feel today. Our loss is so very real. There are no words to describe what this is like. But I can also say the comfort of His love is equally as real and present for us. We don’t have answers to so many things, but having questions isn’t bad. It comes with the territory. Pain and loss is never easy to understand. We are allowing the questions to be present without forcing there to be answers. We are so glad to know she is running free, wide eyed and full of joy. This is comforting to remember when our hands are left empty. We had hoped for and believed in a different outcome to this story, and we are glad we did. It is what gave us hope, and hope is a good thing, it’s sometimes the best of things. Without it we would of withered a long time ago. Instead we had days filled with joy, laughter and the dreams of what might come of us with Sarah. We cannot tell you how much our lives were enriched by her being with us. Each day was a gift. And like it is when you lose a son or a daughter, the loss is overwhelming… It’s hard not to be undone. We feel the loss today but it’s only because we loved, and loving is never wrong. We knew there was only one bridge to life for Sarah for her to finally be with us. We knew that bridge would be one of miracles. It was a long shot, but there was no other way for us to go. We were entrusted with her to give her the best possible chance at life. We feel we’ve done that to the best of our ability. So we don’t feel any regret. Instead we truly feel the pleasure of God over us for caring for her life in the way it feels He wanted us to. Life is hard sometimes and circumstances can feel unfair. We know what that’s like… we just want people to know that you can face anything with God next to you. It’s not to say you won’t feel pain, because you will, it’s just you won’t be alone in it, and you won’t stay broken and shattered when it’s all over. He will stay with you… He will come… and He will heal all that hurts, and then He will show you there is life after the ashes. We are in the midst of this right now.
God saw that there was a better way for this to end, or you could say, carry on. We are yet to understand all the ways in which this was the better way… but we will soon enough, and if not, that’s okay too. It won’t change what we know to be true. God is good… He is faithful and loving – perfectly loving. And in this situation it was and is so evident, and so very true that He is all those things. He has done great things. If we had the time and the energy, we could tell you story after story of His perfect love in this situation. Some day maybe we will.
For us this journey carries on. It carries on for all of us. So many of you stood with us. You have no idea how much this has meant to us. We weep with thankfulness over your hearts for us and for Sarah. We want you to know you have touched us deeply with your many acts of kindness and love. All of you who prayed and wept with us, who laughed and celebrated our victory over death, who carried us in the bosom of your hearts… you are our treasures, our lights in the darkness as we walked through this valley. Our debt to you is beyond repaying. Please know it didn’t go unnoticed, not by us, and certainly not by God who sees in secret. Your hearts are beautiful to us and we only wish to be there for you in the same way you’ve been here for us. We are eternally grateful to you – We so want to say thank you. Thank you a thousand times for lifting us up when all we could do was lay down and surrender. Heaven touched our hearts on countless days and we know it was you who opened the window to let in the cool breeze. If we could compare you to anything we would say you are like the sunshine after the rain. You refreshed our hearts and gave us of your own faith, which strengthened us on many days when we could walk no longer – blessings to you. You will be remembered… and if I could speak for Sarah I’m sure she would say to you as well – “thank you. Thank you for caring for my Mom and Dad.”
Though she is not with us, she is alive, and the journey continues on, except she is there and we are here. We carry on seeing her in our minds dancing and spinning in the beauty of our dreams, where she is the pearl – the princess of our lives, running along the beach where we long to lift her up into our arms and kiss her bright and shiny face. We feel her absence so very intensely and our grief pours out.
So this is how it happened:
On the seventeenth of April, Jen gave birth to Sarah. Unfortunately Sarah’s heart had stopped working some time before the seventeenth, possibly two days before, but we’re not sure. For Sarah her life with us began on Jen’s birthday when she was conceived. And by the hand of God her life with us ended as timely as it began, on my birthday. It seems her life and her times were truly chosen by God. And now thankfully, Sarah and I share the same birthday. Jen and I will be able to celebrate my birthday and Sarah’s birthday together for years to come. For me as her father, it’s a special gift.
So as the story goes we checked into the hospital on Wednesday because Jen had been having contractions consistently for well over twelve hours. Soon after arriving we had an ultra-sound done. We had a sense something was wrong the previous day. The ultra-sound confirmed it - her heart was no longer beating. That was Wednesday morning. Thursday night at ten twenty-two, after a sleepless night and hours of labor, Jen gave birth to Sarah. I won’t go into details of all that happened while in the hospital. I will just say it was rough. It was emotionally draining, physically exhausting, and spiritually difficult. I have to say though, that Jen was a true champion in the way she gave herself to giving birth to Sarah. She showed incredible courage and strength enduring unbelievably hard circumstances. I saw so much beauty in her during that time. I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. I witnessed her as an expression of grace - selfless, sacrificial, loving while under tremendous pressure. She fought for her little girl like the best Mom would finishing the race with honor, dignity and heart like I’ve never seen before. I’m sure she made Sarah proud too. She was my hero that day, as she was every day carrying Sarah with love and tenderness. What I saw in her these many months made me understand so much more how some blooms are more beautiful than others because of the adversity in which they open up.
After Sarah was born we were able to have as much time with her as we needed. It was incredibly hard and confusing and painful. You don’t know how to feel in moments like that. Sarah is beautiful and looks so much like her mother. Her lips and nose and facial features spoke of Jen. She had a stout head of hair as well like her Dad, dark and thick. Holding her was timeless. She was so delicate and tiny and sweetly serene, like she had known no trauma. It was like looking at a face you would someday know intimately in your heart… the connection between parent and child is undeniable. Everything was sort of surreal when we were with her with so many different emotions colliding and running into each other in the same space. We are still feeling that now. The journey without Sarah is now beginning and many things in our hearts are still finding a place to land. It seems it will take time, and time we will take. We can join with others in saying we don’t understand why things happen the way they do. We know there is a tendency to seek answers and understanding so as to comfort the pain. But we are just trying to allow the questions to be there without requiring answers or understanding. We are simply trusting God for his timing and understandings with things. He’s shared with us so much already, it’s just that death has a way of confronting what’s inside like nothing else. That’s why we are moving slowly through all of this and letting our hearts breathe out all that’s happened, while breathing in what His is giving us today.
Please pray for us… for this is not over. We have many more obstacles to walk through. We are so thankful for friends and for family. You have all made us feel very much not alone. We thank you for that. We plan on sharing in the grieving with all of you, for it is a loss for all of us. We realize this is not just about us, it’s about the collective “us”. And we are in this together. We aren’t wanting to isolate at all, so please understand that. We’ve just needed a few days to collect ourselves and find shelter for our hearts. It took a lot out of us over the last so many days and we are gathering the pieces of our hearts back together… and we want to do that with our friends, and we will. Thank you for giving us this time. Thankfully we are in a new home, which is a perfect gift from God… we love it here already. It’s a home full of light, full of perspective (a view), and sits on a hill looking to horizons (ocean) that fall off the earth. It is a kiss from God to be here.
Thanks again for traveling with us this far… we love being with you all. And if you would like… we would like to invite you to stay with us still, as we would like to carry on with you wherever life will take us. Our lives all come into rough waters sooner or later, without fail and to have friends in the storm can often be the difference between arriving or being lost at sea. The storms are also a part of what makes this life worth living, for the joys wouldn’t be as great without the valleys in between. We are all traveling together towards the same destination, towards our true resting place. And for us when we get there, there will be a little toe head in the welcoming party that will run to us with arms open wide… we will finally be reunited with our little girl, and nothing will separate us from her again.
May God be the one to receive Glory from her life, from all that she gave to us. May all that has come from this circumstance bring Him honor. Let it be for ages to come and for eternity to come a testimony of His unfailing love, of His unrelenting faithfulness. When things are most difficult and it seems like there is no way out and all is lost, that even then, God is trustworthy - that in His infinite power, wisdom and love, He will see us through to a brighter day. For we know and are to know that our lives will continue to see a life of love and laughter increasing, even when we suffer loss. We are to see this joy growing more and more, even as we come to know that the ones we have lost, though they are departed, are laughing with Jesus, enjoying the splendor and beauty of His outrageous personality, and that soon we will join them and every low place in our hearts will be filled. God is so good… we know it even more today. Thank you Jesus. You are more wonderful than words. Bless you guys. Thanks again for being with us. May your reward from Him be Heaven itself, alive and living in your hearts. And as Jen dreamt one night about Sarah and having a conversation with God about Sarah in the dream He said: “Sarah is a fire starter, she’s to ignite hearts.” May it be so. May her life give to your heart and life, a new fire to go live life well, even when it all seems lost.
From us to you with thanks,
Joseph and Jen
and Sarah Elizabeth too
Jen and I wanted to let everyone know what has recently taken place concerning Sarah. A few days ago our time of caring for her came to an end. Sarah is no longer with us. She is now free and enjoying all that God has for her. We are so thankful for that. We are so glad she could go be with Him before ever knowing the kind of pain we feel today. Our loss is so very real. There are no words to describe what this is like. But I can also say the comfort of His love is equally as real and present for us. We don’t have answers to so many things, but having questions isn’t bad. It comes with the territory. Pain and loss is never easy to understand. We are allowing the questions to be present without forcing there to be answers. We are so glad to know she is running free, wide eyed and full of joy. This is comforting to remember when our hands are left empty. We had hoped for and believed in a different outcome to this story, and we are glad we did. It is what gave us hope, and hope is a good thing, it’s sometimes the best of things. Without it we would of withered a long time ago. Instead we had days filled with joy, laughter and the dreams of what might come of us with Sarah. We cannot tell you how much our lives were enriched by her being with us. Each day was a gift. And like it is when you lose a son or a daughter, the loss is overwhelming… It’s hard not to be undone. We feel the loss today but it’s only because we loved, and loving is never wrong. We knew there was only one bridge to life for Sarah for her to finally be with us. We knew that bridge would be one of miracles. It was a long shot, but there was no other way for us to go. We were entrusted with her to give her the best possible chance at life. We feel we’ve done that to the best of our ability. So we don’t feel any regret. Instead we truly feel the pleasure of God over us for caring for her life in the way it feels He wanted us to. Life is hard sometimes and circumstances can feel unfair. We know what that’s like… we just want people to know that you can face anything with God next to you. It’s not to say you won’t feel pain, because you will, it’s just you won’t be alone in it, and you won’t stay broken and shattered when it’s all over. He will stay with you… He will come… and He will heal all that hurts, and then He will show you there is life after the ashes. We are in the midst of this right now.
God saw that there was a better way for this to end, or you could say, carry on. We are yet to understand all the ways in which this was the better way… but we will soon enough, and if not, that’s okay too. It won’t change what we know to be true. God is good… He is faithful and loving – perfectly loving. And in this situation it was and is so evident, and so very true that He is all those things. He has done great things. If we had the time and the energy, we could tell you story after story of His perfect love in this situation. Some day maybe we will.
For us this journey carries on. It carries on for all of us. So many of you stood with us. You have no idea how much this has meant to us. We weep with thankfulness over your hearts for us and for Sarah. We want you to know you have touched us deeply with your many acts of kindness and love. All of you who prayed and wept with us, who laughed and celebrated our victory over death, who carried us in the bosom of your hearts… you are our treasures, our lights in the darkness as we walked through this valley. Our debt to you is beyond repaying. Please know it didn’t go unnoticed, not by us, and certainly not by God who sees in secret. Your hearts are beautiful to us and we only wish to be there for you in the same way you’ve been here for us. We are eternally grateful to you – We so want to say thank you. Thank you a thousand times for lifting us up when all we could do was lay down and surrender. Heaven touched our hearts on countless days and we know it was you who opened the window to let in the cool breeze. If we could compare you to anything we would say you are like the sunshine after the rain. You refreshed our hearts and gave us of your own faith, which strengthened us on many days when we could walk no longer – blessings to you. You will be remembered… and if I could speak for Sarah I’m sure she would say to you as well – “thank you. Thank you for caring for my Mom and Dad.”
Though she is not with us, she is alive, and the journey continues on, except she is there and we are here. We carry on seeing her in our minds dancing and spinning in the beauty of our dreams, where she is the pearl – the princess of our lives, running along the beach where we long to lift her up into our arms and kiss her bright and shiny face. We feel her absence so very intensely and our grief pours out.
So this is how it happened:
On the seventeenth of April, Jen gave birth to Sarah. Unfortunately Sarah’s heart had stopped working some time before the seventeenth, possibly two days before, but we’re not sure. For Sarah her life with us began on Jen’s birthday when she was conceived. And by the hand of God her life with us ended as timely as it began, on my birthday. It seems her life and her times were truly chosen by God. And now thankfully, Sarah and I share the same birthday. Jen and I will be able to celebrate my birthday and Sarah’s birthday together for years to come. For me as her father, it’s a special gift.
So as the story goes we checked into the hospital on Wednesday because Jen had been having contractions consistently for well over twelve hours. Soon after arriving we had an ultra-sound done. We had a sense something was wrong the previous day. The ultra-sound confirmed it - her heart was no longer beating. That was Wednesday morning. Thursday night at ten twenty-two, after a sleepless night and hours of labor, Jen gave birth to Sarah. I won’t go into details of all that happened while in the hospital. I will just say it was rough. It was emotionally draining, physically exhausting, and spiritually difficult. I have to say though, that Jen was a true champion in the way she gave herself to giving birth to Sarah. She showed incredible courage and strength enduring unbelievably hard circumstances. I saw so much beauty in her during that time. I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. I witnessed her as an expression of grace - selfless, sacrificial, loving while under tremendous pressure. She fought for her little girl like the best Mom would finishing the race with honor, dignity and heart like I’ve never seen before. I’m sure she made Sarah proud too. She was my hero that day, as she was every day carrying Sarah with love and tenderness. What I saw in her these many months made me understand so much more how some blooms are more beautiful than others because of the adversity in which they open up.
After Sarah was born we were able to have as much time with her as we needed. It was incredibly hard and confusing and painful. You don’t know how to feel in moments like that. Sarah is beautiful and looks so much like her mother. Her lips and nose and facial features spoke of Jen. She had a stout head of hair as well like her Dad, dark and thick. Holding her was timeless. She was so delicate and tiny and sweetly serene, like she had known no trauma. It was like looking at a face you would someday know intimately in your heart… the connection between parent and child is undeniable. Everything was sort of surreal when we were with her with so many different emotions colliding and running into each other in the same space. We are still feeling that now. The journey without Sarah is now beginning and many things in our hearts are still finding a place to land. It seems it will take time, and time we will take. We can join with others in saying we don’t understand why things happen the way they do. We know there is a tendency to seek answers and understanding so as to comfort the pain. But we are just trying to allow the questions to be there without requiring answers or understanding. We are simply trusting God for his timing and understandings with things. He’s shared with us so much already, it’s just that death has a way of confronting what’s inside like nothing else. That’s why we are moving slowly through all of this and letting our hearts breathe out all that’s happened, while breathing in what His is giving us today.
Please pray for us… for this is not over. We have many more obstacles to walk through. We are so thankful for friends and for family. You have all made us feel very much not alone. We thank you for that. We plan on sharing in the grieving with all of you, for it is a loss for all of us. We realize this is not just about us, it’s about the collective “us”. And we are in this together. We aren’t wanting to isolate at all, so please understand that. We’ve just needed a few days to collect ourselves and find shelter for our hearts. It took a lot out of us over the last so many days and we are gathering the pieces of our hearts back together… and we want to do that with our friends, and we will. Thank you for giving us this time. Thankfully we are in a new home, which is a perfect gift from God… we love it here already. It’s a home full of light, full of perspective (a view), and sits on a hill looking to horizons (ocean) that fall off the earth. It is a kiss from God to be here.
Thanks again for traveling with us this far… we love being with you all. And if you would like… we would like to invite you to stay with us still, as we would like to carry on with you wherever life will take us. Our lives all come into rough waters sooner or later, without fail and to have friends in the storm can often be the difference between arriving or being lost at sea. The storms are also a part of what makes this life worth living, for the joys wouldn’t be as great without the valleys in between. We are all traveling together towards the same destination, towards our true resting place. And for us when we get there, there will be a little toe head in the welcoming party that will run to us with arms open wide… we will finally be reunited with our little girl, and nothing will separate us from her again.
May God be the one to receive Glory from her life, from all that she gave to us. May all that has come from this circumstance bring Him honor. Let it be for ages to come and for eternity to come a testimony of His unfailing love, of His unrelenting faithfulness. When things are most difficult and it seems like there is no way out and all is lost, that even then, God is trustworthy - that in His infinite power, wisdom and love, He will see us through to a brighter day. For we know and are to know that our lives will continue to see a life of love and laughter increasing, even when we suffer loss. We are to see this joy growing more and more, even as we come to know that the ones we have lost, though they are departed, are laughing with Jesus, enjoying the splendor and beauty of His outrageous personality, and that soon we will join them and every low place in our hearts will be filled. God is so good… we know it even more today. Thank you Jesus. You are more wonderful than words. Bless you guys. Thanks again for being with us. May your reward from Him be Heaven itself, alive and living in your hearts. And as Jen dreamt one night about Sarah and having a conversation with God about Sarah in the dream He said: “Sarah is a fire starter, she’s to ignite hearts.” May it be so. May her life give to your heart and life, a new fire to go live life well, even when it all seems lost.
From us to you with thanks,
Joseph and Jen
and Sarah Elizabeth too
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Reed Baskets...
"She (moses' mother) got him a papyrus reed basket and covered it over with tar and pitch. Then she put the child into it, and set it among the reeds by the bank of the Nile." Exodus 2
A few days ago Father showed me this basket of tar and pitch. I was praying... waiting... listening, as you do, and this picture, in the spirit, came into view. I saw this reed basket floating on the water. I saw it set among the reeds, gently moving to the ripples in the water as they rolled through the long stems of the plants. And then it was like this understanding started to unfold inside me as I considered what I was seeing. I felt God saying:
"Place Sarah there. . ."
"Where Father? . . ."
"Place Sarah in there."
There came a time for even the mother of Moses to step into abandoned trust, possibly deeper than she had ever known. In her situation there was nothing left for her to do to help her son. All the options had been exhausted. She had kept Moses from death for three months. But then it says, "... when she could hide him no longer...", she built a basket to place her son in. Imagine doing this with your child, placing him/her in a basket on a river among the reeds... How desperate must she had been to do that. It seems Moses' mother didn't know what was going to happen to Moses. Her child had a destiny, but early on it was weighing in the balance. They didn't know what was going to happen to him. All it says is that, "... his sister stood at a distance to find out what would happen to him." Imagine the powerlessness she must of felt... unbelievable.
Jen and I know what this feels like. There's nothing more we can do to keep Sarah from all the trouble and/or death that's being spoken over her. We don't agree with that outcome... but that's where things are going if we don't see God's intervention, for her condition has been clearly stated to us by the doctors who have looked at her. There's no other option for us, for her, except for the power of God to come and be revealed.
So like Moses' mother we are now building our reed basket. We are trusting God once again for the outcome of her life. We are so thankful to be able to do that because there is no better or safer place to put her in. It's where we've been... it's just now the complexity of the problem is increasing. I can't go into here. But we have decisions to make that are not easy... Therefore we are building our "reed boat" trusting her into the arms of God.
The faithfulness of God finds us when we are weak. Jen and I are in a place of weakness. And He is finding us everyday. We are not strong and hear Him telling us again, "His power(strength) is perfected in our weakness." So we've been finding that our strength is really in the happy countenance of Jesus - in His perspective, in His irrepressible joyfulness. It's been securing us in love so far as we have been facing things with Sarah. Since the diagnosis of Sarah's condition, joy and laughter has been a present strength in our hearts and lives. We are keeping ourselves there as much as we can. Things can get too serious too fast. We're doing our best not to move from this place of joy... but sometimes it's not easy - pray for us. We know how unable we are to change things for her without Him. The situation is impossible... there is nearly nothing we can do fix it. But these impossibilities are subject to the Word of God. And we are going to keep speaking the Word of God over her until the Word becomes flesh - that's the plan.
Thankfully we have felt His manifest goodness surrounding us. It's been tangible. And so many people have represented to us how wonderful He is. We've felt people's care for us. We see His face in all of you. We've seen Him reveal His heart in all the countless ways people have opened to us in kindness and compassion. All of it is treasured in our hearts. We are so thankful for all of it. We are so thankful for all the love you've shown us.
But right now it's been a rough two weeks and we feel the toll that it's taken on our hearts. We have felt our hearts hurt with the gravity of all that could go wrong. Doctor visits are difficult and becoming even more difficult. The reality of what could happen to Sarah is sometimes difficult not to feel in our hearts. We feel the pressure building and we have decisions to make.
An added stress to our situation is that we are still unable to find a place to live. We didn't get the rental we were hoping for - that's okay, but it would be great to get into a place soon. June third is our due date - not too far away. Where we are staying now is a real gift to us. We have no complaints whatsoever, but we've felt is was temporary and we don't want to over stay our welcome. We want to be in the place He has for us. And right now, it's here, and we are thankful for that - we truly are. We are loved here, and it's safe for us. I could say many wonderful things about this arrangement, but it's not like having your own place where you can prepare a room for your child - we can't. It's not that kind of a situation. So it makes it ackward to know how to handle that. Jen's feeling the natural desires to create a place for Sarah, and we aren't able to do that right now. We aren't preparing physically for her arrival yet... and we need to. It's apart of expressing what our faith believes to be true, that she is going to live and be with us. It's all quite intense. We are walking on water and risking. We want to create a room that would be filled with a little life. But there is no guarantees. It's all faith. What is faith without risk? So we are in a holding pattern right now resting in His timing. But when we are cleared to land we want to get the signal and get down on the ground accordingly. We want to hear the sound, see the way, and go in it.
"And when she saw that he was beautiful, she hid him for three months." There she (Moses' mother) is hiding her baby from death - what a situation. Jen and I have been experiencing this. We've been doing the same. We see that Sarah is beautiful and we want to keep her hidden from death.
And like it is for us, so it was for Moses' mother. There came a day when she could no longer keep the child hidden. Her own abilities to keep the child out of harms way were running out. There was no avoiding the reality that she was limited in what she could do to keep the child alive. Whatever things she could do to facilitate keeping him safe were no longer available to her anymore. She had to do something else. It seems at this point there was no other option for her but to move to a whole new place of trust. Somehow another way did open up to her. Something happened to give her the idea of a reed basket. All other doors seemed to have closed on her. Maybe God gave her the idea, I don't know. One thing it's saying to me from this story is that with God there is always a way, especially when it seems impossible. A reed basket covered in pitch and tar... what an idea to save a life.
Little Moses was placed in a basket covered with tar and pitch, the very life blood of trees. Once placed in the basket his life was surrounded by it. We are doing the same with our Sarah. We are placing her in the blood of Jesus and it covers her. As she sits in the reed basket of Jen's body, as she sits in the faithfulness of God, as her Mom and Dad trust her into the care of the Father, we wait patiently to see what will happen to her. We cover her with life everyday as we pray for her. She is our Sarah, our song, the princess we make melody in our hearts about.
It's about trust. It's about persevering under pressure. It's about resting in the faithfulness of God, trusting in who He is to us. We can do only so much in our capacities as people. We are limited. But with God, crazy things can happen - amazing things. Things that defy explanation other than the fact that God is real and does care about us and can do wonderful things for us simply because He is like that - He's wonderful! He's loving. He's unbelievably beautiful. Think of the most beautiful thing... and whatever that is doesn't come close to the beauty of God. So anyway, God is present and for us. He's got our backs and well He's got just about everything else too. All of us can't forget that. We are trying not to forget as well.
Thank you for praying for us. We so need it. Bless you for caring about us, for reading all this. May you come to know what we have come to know about Him through this situation... that He is trustworthy and good - I mean really, really good, incredibly good! And He's funny. I'm not kidding. The sense of humor in God is a killer! For us it has been a pure gift. It's like soothing balm on the heart releasing a fragrance of life. Because of Him we have been soaring like eagles the last couple of months. We could of easily been crawling under stones depressed to hide. But it's not been that way. It's so wonderful to not be alone... to be with Him, and Him with us. What a delight. He's been so available to us. I can't tell you how much that's meant to us. The presence of God... what a gift. It's so wonderful to hear Him whisper in your ear each day and say... "it's gonna be okay... don't worry. It's gonna be okay. I'm here, I'm with ya... I got ya... It's gonna be okay"
Remember, we all have times of reed baskets... and that's okay. Sometimes the options run out, and there isn't another way to go. In those moments be attentive to the way that seems impossible where you need a reed basket. They come in all shapes and sizes. Nevertheless you have to take a risk and put your trust in that reed basket that God is providing. You might be trusting with what you most love. You might be trusting in the midst of what you most fear, either way it is trust. It is trust in God, in who He is, and who He is for your life. This is faith... sometimes there is nothing left for us to lean on - everything else is gone and all we have is our faith. In those moments it's just you and Him. And you know, i think that's the way He likes it. Things get real for you then. They get transparently real between you and Him. What's in you comes to the surface. But that's okay, better it that way than smoke screens and illusions. We want reality, not religious non-sense. God's not afraid of taking us to the edge of what we fear the most... He's not. He'll take us there not for the sake of scaring us, but for the sake of setting us free. He doesn't like fear in any way. He makes no allowances for our worries and fears. He simply says, "Do not fear." In other words - get rid of it. Then He gives us the solution for our fears, "Perfect love casts out fear." That's where we are going. That's where He's taking Jen and I, and that's where He's taking you. So He'll lead you it seems straight into what is most terrifying at times for He's knows that freedom is just a veil away.
We are here in this life and have no control over what is going to happen in life, to our loved ones, or to us. It's out of our control. We learn that so very quick in circumstances like this that Jen and I are facing. We may be facing this now as if we are the only ones, but we're not the only ones. All of us will face them. We get to choose how we want to face them and walk through them. That choosing starts today, not tomorrow. If we wait to walk with God when crisis comes, we won't be ready, we'll likely fold. But if we start now, He will prepare us for what's to come. Either way He'll be God, it's just we have an advantage if we start now because we will have taken the time to understand Him and know how He does things and how to walk through difficult things the way that is most helpful to Him and to us. For what we are going to face in the days ahead will be glorious if we will but choose to be with Him and learn from Him, enjoy Him and receive from Him. For He knows the plans He has for you, for me, for all of us, plans to prosper you, to give you a future and a hope. We are to have hope! He has a future for us. Jen and I and Sarah have a future and a hope. We do. So come find yours if you haven't already. Come and see... And when all shakes loose, if and when it does, you'll be lifted on wings like eagles. You'll take to the air on the shoulders of the wind. We all are meant to fly. And Jesus says we are to fly when storms are raging... We can even still them. We first have to be still on the inside. All we need is time with Him and it will all make sense.
I bless you as you come to your moments of reed baskets. I bless you that joy and laughter is waiting there for you. May you know that He waits there for you, with open arms, anticipating giving you that bear hug that will squeeze into you all of His perfect love. I bless you. Trust Him... He is so worthy of your trust. He's shown it to us... just look at Jesus again, as if for the first time. Allow Him to pull off of your eyes the veils that blind Him to how trustworthy He really is. He loves you. He will never leave you to yourself... He will come. Just ask Him to. And like with Moses, He'll take whatever is trusted to Him and turn it into something so very special and beautiful.
A few days ago Father showed me this basket of tar and pitch. I was praying... waiting... listening, as you do, and this picture, in the spirit, came into view. I saw this reed basket floating on the water. I saw it set among the reeds, gently moving to the ripples in the water as they rolled through the long stems of the plants. And then it was like this understanding started to unfold inside me as I considered what I was seeing. I felt God saying:
"Place Sarah there. . ."
"Where Father? . . ."
"Place Sarah in there."
There came a time for even the mother of Moses to step into abandoned trust, possibly deeper than she had ever known. In her situation there was nothing left for her to do to help her son. All the options had been exhausted. She had kept Moses from death for three months. But then it says, "... when she could hide him no longer...", she built a basket to place her son in. Imagine doing this with your child, placing him/her in a basket on a river among the reeds... How desperate must she had been to do that. It seems Moses' mother didn't know what was going to happen to Moses. Her child had a destiny, but early on it was weighing in the balance. They didn't know what was going to happen to him. All it says is that, "... his sister stood at a distance to find out what would happen to him." Imagine the powerlessness she must of felt... unbelievable.
Jen and I know what this feels like. There's nothing more we can do to keep Sarah from all the trouble and/or death that's being spoken over her. We don't agree with that outcome... but that's where things are going if we don't see God's intervention, for her condition has been clearly stated to us by the doctors who have looked at her. There's no other option for us, for her, except for the power of God to come and be revealed.
So like Moses' mother we are now building our reed basket. We are trusting God once again for the outcome of her life. We are so thankful to be able to do that because there is no better or safer place to put her in. It's where we've been... it's just now the complexity of the problem is increasing. I can't go into here. But we have decisions to make that are not easy... Therefore we are building our "reed boat" trusting her into the arms of God.
The faithfulness of God finds us when we are weak. Jen and I are in a place of weakness. And He is finding us everyday. We are not strong and hear Him telling us again, "His power(strength) is perfected in our weakness." So we've been finding that our strength is really in the happy countenance of Jesus - in His perspective, in His irrepressible joyfulness. It's been securing us in love so far as we have been facing things with Sarah. Since the diagnosis of Sarah's condition, joy and laughter has been a present strength in our hearts and lives. We are keeping ourselves there as much as we can. Things can get too serious too fast. We're doing our best not to move from this place of joy... but sometimes it's not easy - pray for us. We know how unable we are to change things for her without Him. The situation is impossible... there is nearly nothing we can do fix it. But these impossibilities are subject to the Word of God. And we are going to keep speaking the Word of God over her until the Word becomes flesh - that's the plan.
Thankfully we have felt His manifest goodness surrounding us. It's been tangible. And so many people have represented to us how wonderful He is. We've felt people's care for us. We see His face in all of you. We've seen Him reveal His heart in all the countless ways people have opened to us in kindness and compassion. All of it is treasured in our hearts. We are so thankful for all of it. We are so thankful for all the love you've shown us.
But right now it's been a rough two weeks and we feel the toll that it's taken on our hearts. We have felt our hearts hurt with the gravity of all that could go wrong. Doctor visits are difficult and becoming even more difficult. The reality of what could happen to Sarah is sometimes difficult not to feel in our hearts. We feel the pressure building and we have decisions to make.
An added stress to our situation is that we are still unable to find a place to live. We didn't get the rental we were hoping for - that's okay, but it would be great to get into a place soon. June third is our due date - not too far away. Where we are staying now is a real gift to us. We have no complaints whatsoever, but we've felt is was temporary and we don't want to over stay our welcome. We want to be in the place He has for us. And right now, it's here, and we are thankful for that - we truly are. We are loved here, and it's safe for us. I could say many wonderful things about this arrangement, but it's not like having your own place where you can prepare a room for your child - we can't. It's not that kind of a situation. So it makes it ackward to know how to handle that. Jen's feeling the natural desires to create a place for Sarah, and we aren't able to do that right now. We aren't preparing physically for her arrival yet... and we need to. It's apart of expressing what our faith believes to be true, that she is going to live and be with us. It's all quite intense. We are walking on water and risking. We want to create a room that would be filled with a little life. But there is no guarantees. It's all faith. What is faith without risk? So we are in a holding pattern right now resting in His timing. But when we are cleared to land we want to get the signal and get down on the ground accordingly. We want to hear the sound, see the way, and go in it.
"And when she saw that he was beautiful, she hid him for three months." There she (Moses' mother) is hiding her baby from death - what a situation. Jen and I have been experiencing this. We've been doing the same. We see that Sarah is beautiful and we want to keep her hidden from death.
And like it is for us, so it was for Moses' mother. There came a day when she could no longer keep the child hidden. Her own abilities to keep the child out of harms way were running out. There was no avoiding the reality that she was limited in what she could do to keep the child alive. Whatever things she could do to facilitate keeping him safe were no longer available to her anymore. She had to do something else. It seems at this point there was no other option for her but to move to a whole new place of trust. Somehow another way did open up to her. Something happened to give her the idea of a reed basket. All other doors seemed to have closed on her. Maybe God gave her the idea, I don't know. One thing it's saying to me from this story is that with God there is always a way, especially when it seems impossible. A reed basket covered in pitch and tar... what an idea to save a life.
Little Moses was placed in a basket covered with tar and pitch, the very life blood of trees. Once placed in the basket his life was surrounded by it. We are doing the same with our Sarah. We are placing her in the blood of Jesus and it covers her. As she sits in the reed basket of Jen's body, as she sits in the faithfulness of God, as her Mom and Dad trust her into the care of the Father, we wait patiently to see what will happen to her. We cover her with life everyday as we pray for her. She is our Sarah, our song, the princess we make melody in our hearts about.
It's about trust. It's about persevering under pressure. It's about resting in the faithfulness of God, trusting in who He is to us. We can do only so much in our capacities as people. We are limited. But with God, crazy things can happen - amazing things. Things that defy explanation other than the fact that God is real and does care about us and can do wonderful things for us simply because He is like that - He's wonderful! He's loving. He's unbelievably beautiful. Think of the most beautiful thing... and whatever that is doesn't come close to the beauty of God. So anyway, God is present and for us. He's got our backs and well He's got just about everything else too. All of us can't forget that. We are trying not to forget as well.
Thank you for praying for us. We so need it. Bless you for caring about us, for reading all this. May you come to know what we have come to know about Him through this situation... that He is trustworthy and good - I mean really, really good, incredibly good! And He's funny. I'm not kidding. The sense of humor in God is a killer! For us it has been a pure gift. It's like soothing balm on the heart releasing a fragrance of life. Because of Him we have been soaring like eagles the last couple of months. We could of easily been crawling under stones depressed to hide. But it's not been that way. It's so wonderful to not be alone... to be with Him, and Him with us. What a delight. He's been so available to us. I can't tell you how much that's meant to us. The presence of God... what a gift. It's so wonderful to hear Him whisper in your ear each day and say... "it's gonna be okay... don't worry. It's gonna be okay. I'm here, I'm with ya... I got ya... It's gonna be okay"
Remember, we all have times of reed baskets... and that's okay. Sometimes the options run out, and there isn't another way to go. In those moments be attentive to the way that seems impossible where you need a reed basket. They come in all shapes and sizes. Nevertheless you have to take a risk and put your trust in that reed basket that God is providing. You might be trusting with what you most love. You might be trusting in the midst of what you most fear, either way it is trust. It is trust in God, in who He is, and who He is for your life. This is faith... sometimes there is nothing left for us to lean on - everything else is gone and all we have is our faith. In those moments it's just you and Him. And you know, i think that's the way He likes it. Things get real for you then. They get transparently real between you and Him. What's in you comes to the surface. But that's okay, better it that way than smoke screens and illusions. We want reality, not religious non-sense. God's not afraid of taking us to the edge of what we fear the most... He's not. He'll take us there not for the sake of scaring us, but for the sake of setting us free. He doesn't like fear in any way. He makes no allowances for our worries and fears. He simply says, "Do not fear." In other words - get rid of it. Then He gives us the solution for our fears, "Perfect love casts out fear." That's where we are going. That's where He's taking Jen and I, and that's where He's taking you. So He'll lead you it seems straight into what is most terrifying at times for He's knows that freedom is just a veil away.
We are here in this life and have no control over what is going to happen in life, to our loved ones, or to us. It's out of our control. We learn that so very quick in circumstances like this that Jen and I are facing. We may be facing this now as if we are the only ones, but we're not the only ones. All of us will face them. We get to choose how we want to face them and walk through them. That choosing starts today, not tomorrow. If we wait to walk with God when crisis comes, we won't be ready, we'll likely fold. But if we start now, He will prepare us for what's to come. Either way He'll be God, it's just we have an advantage if we start now because we will have taken the time to understand Him and know how He does things and how to walk through difficult things the way that is most helpful to Him and to us. For what we are going to face in the days ahead will be glorious if we will but choose to be with Him and learn from Him, enjoy Him and receive from Him. For He knows the plans He has for you, for me, for all of us, plans to prosper you, to give you a future and a hope. We are to have hope! He has a future for us. Jen and I and Sarah have a future and a hope. We do. So come find yours if you haven't already. Come and see... And when all shakes loose, if and when it does, you'll be lifted on wings like eagles. You'll take to the air on the shoulders of the wind. We all are meant to fly. And Jesus says we are to fly when storms are raging... We can even still them. We first have to be still on the inside. All we need is time with Him and it will all make sense.
I bless you as you come to your moments of reed baskets. I bless you that joy and laughter is waiting there for you. May you know that He waits there for you, with open arms, anticipating giving you that bear hug that will squeeze into you all of His perfect love. I bless you. Trust Him... He is so worthy of your trust. He's shown it to us... just look at Jesus again, as if for the first time. Allow Him to pull off of your eyes the veils that blind Him to how trustworthy He really is. He loves you. He will never leave you to yourself... He will come. Just ask Him to. And like with Moses, He'll take whatever is trusted to Him and turn it into something so very special and beautiful.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
28 weeks of life with Sarah, and more to come
The amazing "growing belly"!
We've reached 28 weeks now...can't believe how fast time has flown by the last 2 months since we received the diagnosis. I'm loving being pregnant and am feeling more and more connected to little Sarah every day. I love waking up to her kicking feet and imagining her snuggled up napping in my womb later in the day...so amazing. I've been playing lots of music for her and she seems to kick a lot more when her daddy is around...she loves his voice :) She's still breeched, but has a few more weeks to turn around...its actually been nice having her little hands up above punching me in the ribs, rather than her strong little legs! She's quite the fighter...beating all odds and proving the doctors wrong.
Last friday was such a shock - we weren't shocked by the news, we were prepared for that, but I wasn't prepared for the attitude of the doctor. Again he encouraged aborting our little girl...I had a hard time understanding how he could look up at the computer screen and see Sarah's beautiful face on there and STILL have that word "abort" come out of his mouth. It's sad to see how medicine has moved into a place of disposable life, where a child is no longer a child but simply an object inside my womb that can be disposed of. If something isn't perfect - they feel its okay to just discard it. Our prayers have been that God's glory would be revealed to the medical world surrounding us right now - that they would see that miracles still do happen and that God is a reality. We'd love for you to join us in praying for this...
I haven't been sleeping as well the last couple of weeks...I seem to wake up several times at night and have a hard time falling back asleep. In some ways, I've really enjoyed my alone time in the middle of the night, praying for my little girl and fighting for her life...I feel like my prayers and thoughts are consumed with her these days...I don't want to let a day go by where I'm not speaking life and blessing over her sweet little body. Joseph and I have both encountered miraculous healings all across the world - seeing the blind and deaf healed, broken bones set to perfection, etc - and we know that He is capable of healing our little girls heart and mind.
I've been thinking a lot about Joseph's job lately. He is a pastoral counselor, helping heal broken hearts and set captive minds free...we are seeing so much fruit and freedom coming from his ministry (Healing for the Heart)! It's been amazing to watch people transform before our eyes as God brings healing to pain that has been there for years...sometimes their entire lives. The ironic thing is - Joseph is working to heal hearts and minds - and that is the very thing being taken from our little girl, her heart and her mind. Jesus, we pray that you would redeem our little girl's heart and mind and bring freedom to her body. He is so capable and I feel our sweet Sarah is so worthy...I understand at a new level what its like for God to watch us in our pain. If I could take away the pain Sarah is feeling as her mom, I would do so in a heart beat. Watching your child suffer has to be the hardest thing we'll experience in life...I can't imagine how God must grieve as we as the church struggle for life here on earth.
Okay, enough rambling...just thought I'd fill you guys in on a snap shot of my journey with Sarah. I feel so honored and blessed to have been chosen as her mother - I honestly don't deserve a child as special as she is. God is gracious....
Friday, March 7, 2008
Drinking the Cup of Our Father...
Sarah Elizabeth Dalton
So we are drinking the cup of our Father... We are drinking the cup of our Father willing to follow Him where ever He leads. Our Sarah isn't what she should be yet. She is still awaiting her miracle. We are in the place of seeing the dream, though we feel like Joseph (Biblical) looking out from the bottom of a pit. Things appear as if they are going in the opposite direction, as Sarah's body is not yet compatible with life outside Jen's womb. Our ultra-sound today revealed no change in Sarah's condition. Our little girl is without half of her heart. She is also still missing parts of her brain matter and her hands are bent at the wrists, not properly developed. Remember though, this was not the voice of heaven speaking today. It was just man, and his machines, nothing more, nothing less. Our hearts are heavy today as you can imagine; nevertheless, we are leaning into our Father... for there is no one more faithful than Him. There is no one more trustworthy. We feel the weight of the news today... it was not easy to see her in a broken body still. Her body from the outside is beautiful (her hands are not formed properly, but the rest of her body seems to be okay), its just the inside that is desperate for healing. But this story is not over...
So our response is simple, we are rising to heavenly places and going beyond where we've been. We are taking her further into heaven in our hearts, in prayer, lifting her again into the face of our Father. We will continue to lay her into the arms of Jesus, into the arms of mercy, so that the things that would want to hold her life down would be released from her. She is still captive by her body, not yet whole, but we know that Jesus took captivity captive. So our hope is undiminished. We know things can change when His voice gives the command. We know that wings are given to angels. Sarah is a perfect candidate for those. We know that ashes and dirt can give way to new life. Seeds lay hidden for a time, but when they re-emerge they come forth green, like a bird escaping from a snare. They come forth set free. They come forth into light because nothing can hold down life. It will come forth. It will emerge.
There is so much we feel God has spoken about Sarah. We've been hearing and writing down the vision. They are the seeds of life that have yet to come forth... but we believe they will. So what exists in His heart, in Heaven, that has yet to come forth in the earth, in Sarah, we will contend for. We will continue to stay in a place of faith for her. Into our world may faith be born. Into all that would say otherwise, may life come forth. We can live faithless and join the masses or we can believe Him and take the journey wherever He leads. We can drink the cup like Jesus did or live without hope. For the joy set before us... We are drinking the cup of our Father.
Jen and I want you to know how thankful we are for holding us and Sarah up in prayer. It means the world to us. We are so blessed by the love and support people have been showing to us the last two months. If it's in you to keep praying with us, we would love for you to stay with us until we see Sarah born into our arms. Thanks again,
Joseph and Jen
Sunday, March 2, 2008
27 weeks and counting...
Here are a few pictures of my growing belly :) My sister-in-law was asking for some, so here they are Catherine! I'm a bit larger than the last time you saw me!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Waiting to land...in faith! (from Jen)
A friend of ours gave us a cd last week with the most beautiful song on it. She went through the loss of a child in her womb and found hope and comfort in this song...so she passed it along to us in this season of walking through impossible situations! Joseph and I have been listening to it daily, letting the faith within us grow. Allowing our hearts to remember daily that God is truly in control of this situation and that all we can do is posture our hearts in a place of faith and simply wait.
We're in a waiting period right now...a holding pattern over the runway below us...we're waiting on many things. We're believing that Sarah's life will truly be a sign and a wonder to this world of unbelief. March 7th marks exactly 2 months since we received the original news...it also marks the day that we go back to the man who gave us the news for a second ultra sound. He's the local expert and had advised us it was best to probably abort because there wasn't hope of her living much longer. It will be two months. She has grown, her heart is strong and her feet and arms are moving like crazy. We're praying for the next two weeks leading up to the appointment, that God would allow this doctor to see the improvements and healing taking place in Sarah's life and be drawn to the glory of God. Like Joseph has said over and over...this is bigger than us, its bigger than Sarah...it's about His glory being revealed. I wrote out the lyrics to the song below because I wanted to share with you the power of agreement...agreeing with us and agreeing with God that Sarah will be healed...that Sarah will truly be a sign and a wonder to this world of unbelief, to this world of hopelessness. It's a bit repetitive, but until I can figure out a way to put the song up on this page for you to listen to, this is the best I can do:
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
And even though the enemy tried to put you out.
And even though the enemy tried to snuff you out.
And even though the enemy tried to abort your destiny...
He will not succeed.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
Your life will be a sign and a wonder.
A testimony of the faithfulness of God.
Your life will be a sign and a wonder.
A testimony of the faithfulness of God.
Let faith be born into a world of disbelief.
Let faith be born into a world,
Into a world of faithlessness
Into a world of hopelessness
Let faith be born
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
And even though the enemy tried to snuff you out.
And even thou the enemy tried to abort your destiny...
He will not succeed.
Your life will be a sign and a wonder.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
The heart of the Father will be heard.
The heart of the Father will be heard.
Let the little children come to Me.
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
Let the little children come to Me.
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
If your father forsook you.
If your mother never comforted you.
I have the kingdom for you,
I've prepared a place for you.
And its deep within My heart.
So let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
Let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
If your father forsook you.
If your mother never comforted you.
I have the kingdom for you,
I've prepared a place for you,
And its deep within My heart.
I want you.
I want you.
I want you.
I want you.
I want you.
I want you.
You're accepted not rejected
You're loved and not despised.
You're accepted not rejected.
You're loved and not despised.
I'm calling you.
I'm calling you.
Little children....
You're accepted not rejected.
You're loved and not despised.
And mothers and fathers hear My heart.
And mothers and fathers hear My heart.
So let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
Let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
Let them come...
(Please continue to pray with us for the complete healing of little Sarah...she's fighting for her life and I want to continue to fight with her. Thank you!!)
We're in a waiting period right now...a holding pattern over the runway below us...we're waiting on many things. We're believing that Sarah's life will truly be a sign and a wonder to this world of unbelief. March 7th marks exactly 2 months since we received the original news...it also marks the day that we go back to the man who gave us the news for a second ultra sound. He's the local expert and had advised us it was best to probably abort because there wasn't hope of her living much longer. It will be two months. She has grown, her heart is strong and her feet and arms are moving like crazy. We're praying for the next two weeks leading up to the appointment, that God would allow this doctor to see the improvements and healing taking place in Sarah's life and be drawn to the glory of God. Like Joseph has said over and over...this is bigger than us, its bigger than Sarah...it's about His glory being revealed. I wrote out the lyrics to the song below because I wanted to share with you the power of agreement...agreeing with us and agreeing with God that Sarah will be healed...that Sarah will truly be a sign and a wonder to this world of unbelief, to this world of hopelessness. It's a bit repetitive, but until I can figure out a way to put the song up on this page for you to listen to, this is the best I can do:
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
And even though the enemy tried to put you out.
And even though the enemy tried to snuff you out.
And even though the enemy tried to abort your destiny...
He will not succeed.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
Your life will be a sign and a wonder.
A testimony of the faithfulness of God.
Your life will be a sign and a wonder.
A testimony of the faithfulness of God.
Let faith be born into a world of disbelief.
Let faith be born into a world,
Into a world of faithlessness
Into a world of hopelessness
Let faith be born
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
And even though the enemy tried to snuff you out.
And even thou the enemy tried to abort your destiny...
He will not succeed.
Your life will be a sign and a wonder.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
The heart of the Father will be heard.
The heart of the Father will be heard.
Let the little children come to Me.
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
Let the little children come to Me.
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
If your father forsook you.
If your mother never comforted you.
I have the kingdom for you,
I've prepared a place for you.
And its deep within My heart.
So let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
Let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
If your father forsook you.
If your mother never comforted you.
I have the kingdom for you,
I've prepared a place for you,
And its deep within My heart.
I want you.
I want you.
I want you.
I want you.
I want you.
I want you.
You're accepted not rejected
You're loved and not despised.
You're accepted not rejected.
You're loved and not despised.
I'm calling you.
I'm calling you.
Little children....
You're accepted not rejected.
You're loved and not despised.
And mothers and fathers hear My heart.
And mothers and fathers hear My heart.
So let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
Let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
Let them come...
(Please continue to pray with us for the complete healing of little Sarah...she's fighting for her life and I want to continue to fight with her. Thank you!!)
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
About Sarah - New Update
Family and friends -
We had our first visit with our new doctor yesterday. It was mostly an informative meeting getting to know the doctor and allowing the doctor to get know us. But when all of that was over, we checked Sarah's heartbeat. Scott and Joan (jen's parents) are in town, so we invited them in to hear the heartbeat. While doing that, the doctor decided to suddenly to do a quick ultra sound scan of Sarah to see where her body position was. Suddenly without warning, we were looking at a screen of Sarah's body. This was the first time seeing her since our very first ultra sound. Here we are again, looking at Sarah on a black and white screen. It was a little unsettling at first. You're believing to see the promises of God, but it's still overwhelming to stand in that place and look into her little life. But this time something was different about her. She's wasn't looking like she did the first time. We all looked on in amazement at what appeared to be a healthy well formed child. We saw hands and fingers. We could see her body and spinal cord and legs. We saw her little face and eyes and it seemed like her head was not swollen with hydracephalus at all. She looked, in all respects, like what we've all been believing for and praying for - she looked healthy and whole.
Doctor Echt was not reading the ultra sound looking for problems, all she was doing was letting us see how she was positioned in Jen, pointing out different parts of her body like the heart, which was beating beautifully by the way. So there was no analysis happening, but we were looking. As she was moving the ultra sound wand around on Jen's stomach, little Sarah was kicking and moving all over the place. Sarah seems to be developing fine! The doctor wasn't saying that. She didn't have time to really take an in depth look at what the ultra sound was revealing. But to u,s we felt we were seeing a miracle. We have another ultra sound on the seventh of March with the doctor who gave us the results of the first ultra sound, so we'll have more analysis on another ultra sound then. But by our perspective, we are seeing the power of prayer, and the power of a miracle working God bringing about a supernatural healing of our little Sarah's life. We are excited! So we wanted to share that with everyone who is standing with us.
This journey with Sarah started with unfavorable news. Presently, we are no where near the other end of this journey with her. She only weighs a pound a half - so she's tiny and still being formed. We are moving toward the fulfillment of things we feel God has spoken to us but we're not there yet. We haven't left our knees concerning her, though we are encouraged by what we saw yesterday. We need and would love your continued support and prayers until the glory of God is fully revealed. Thanks again from Jen and I for praying. We so appreciate it. Praise God for His kindness to us...
- Joseph and Jen
We had our first visit with our new doctor yesterday. It was mostly an informative meeting getting to know the doctor and allowing the doctor to get know us. But when all of that was over, we checked Sarah's heartbeat. Scott and Joan (jen's parents) are in town, so we invited them in to hear the heartbeat. While doing that, the doctor decided to suddenly to do a quick ultra sound scan of Sarah to see where her body position was. Suddenly without warning, we were looking at a screen of Sarah's body. This was the first time seeing her since our very first ultra sound. Here we are again, looking at Sarah on a black and white screen. It was a little unsettling at first. You're believing to see the promises of God, but it's still overwhelming to stand in that place and look into her little life. But this time something was different about her. She's wasn't looking like she did the first time. We all looked on in amazement at what appeared to be a healthy well formed child. We saw hands and fingers. We could see her body and spinal cord and legs. We saw her little face and eyes and it seemed like her head was not swollen with hydracephalus at all. She looked, in all respects, like what we've all been believing for and praying for - she looked healthy and whole.
Doctor Echt was not reading the ultra sound looking for problems, all she was doing was letting us see how she was positioned in Jen, pointing out different parts of her body like the heart, which was beating beautifully by the way. So there was no analysis happening, but we were looking. As she was moving the ultra sound wand around on Jen's stomach, little Sarah was kicking and moving all over the place. Sarah seems to be developing fine! The doctor wasn't saying that. She didn't have time to really take an in depth look at what the ultra sound was revealing. But to u,s we felt we were seeing a miracle. We have another ultra sound on the seventh of March with the doctor who gave us the results of the first ultra sound, so we'll have more analysis on another ultra sound then. But by our perspective, we are seeing the power of prayer, and the power of a miracle working God bringing about a supernatural healing of our little Sarah's life. We are excited! So we wanted to share that with everyone who is standing with us.
This journey with Sarah started with unfavorable news. Presently, we are no where near the other end of this journey with her. She only weighs a pound a half - so she's tiny and still being formed. We are moving toward the fulfillment of things we feel God has spoken to us but we're not there yet. We haven't left our knees concerning her, though we are encouraged by what we saw yesterday. We need and would love your continued support and prayers until the glory of God is fully revealed. Thanks again from Jen and I for praying. We so appreciate it. Praise God for His kindness to us...
- Joseph and Jen
Friday, February 15, 2008
Sarah Update from Jen...
Hello friends and family,
Just a quick update on Sarah Elizabeth. I had my 25 week checkup today and again, she's totally shocking the doctors with her strength. I've gained 5lbs (a total of 7 now!!) and my uterus is the exact size it should be at this point. Her heart rate was even stronger than last month's appointment (142bpm)...I literally had to remind the doctor of his diagnosis a few months ago (one because he's older and a bit out of it, but also because she's so healthy and growing so strong!). They literally look at me in shock every appointment, in disbelief that she's still alive. Sarah has also been kicking quite a bit the last few weeks, even waking me up in the middle of the night with the strength of her kicks. We have a little fighter :)
All of that to say....we wouldn't be where we are today without all the prayers and faith and hope that you have been sending our way! God has been so gracious and so kind through this journey. Thanks for the prayers....keep praying, we see a new doctor on Wednesday of this next week and are excited to have a doctor that will support us in our decision to move forward in the pregnancy.
Be blessed to know that your prayers are being answered....we will continue to fight for the healing of Sarah Elizabeth, knowing that God is ultimately in control :) (Isn't that a relief?)
Just a quick update on Sarah Elizabeth. I had my 25 week checkup today and again, she's totally shocking the doctors with her strength. I've gained 5lbs (a total of 7 now!!) and my uterus is the exact size it should be at this point. Her heart rate was even stronger than last month's appointment (142bpm)...I literally had to remind the doctor of his diagnosis a few months ago (one because he's older and a bit out of it, but also because she's so healthy and growing so strong!). They literally look at me in shock every appointment, in disbelief that she's still alive. Sarah has also been kicking quite a bit the last few weeks, even waking me up in the middle of the night with the strength of her kicks. We have a little fighter :)
All of that to say....we wouldn't be where we are today without all the prayers and faith and hope that you have been sending our way! God has been so gracious and so kind through this journey. Thanks for the prayers....keep praying, we see a new doctor on Wednesday of this next week and are excited to have a doctor that will support us in our decision to move forward in the pregnancy.
Be blessed to know that your prayers are being answered....we will continue to fight for the healing of Sarah Elizabeth, knowing that God is ultimately in control :) (Isn't that a relief?)
Monday, February 11, 2008
Learning to live under waterfalls
"... they had no depth of soil."
Our depth of soil is important. God wants to take the power of His word, the power of His presence to depth in us. He wants His life in us to go deeper than the vaneers we might know Him in and keep Him in. He is not satisfied with small depth. He wants more relationship than that. He wants more closeness. He wants more connection. He wants nothing in the way. He wants everything. He wants full disclosure, full unveiling. He wants nothing short than complete oneness. He wants union realized, not just union positionally given. He wants to go to deep places in us.
"... Deep calls out to deep to the sound of your waterfalls..."
The deep places in God are calling out to the deep places in us. We are both the ones hearing the "calling out", and we are the ones "calling out." That "calling out" in the heart of God is to be heard in our hearts as they open to God and to others. God is speaking heart to heart... with us.
If you listen with the ears of your heart, you will hear a sound that's reaching to the deep places in you. When Jesus spoke there was a sound heard in the heavens speaking to the deep places in the hearts of men. And for those who had ears to hear, it was heard in their hearts as well. You could say what Jesus spoke was more beautiful than anything else that had ever been spoken. His voice released a sound to the listening ear. It was a sound that would set mens hearts free. At the entrance of His words there was light, and that light was the light of men. The movement of His heart under the anointing as He disclosed Himself to men, as He spoke to His beloved people, from prositutes to lawyers, from drunkards to business men, to tax collectors, was the most beautiful of songs that had ever been sung. It was pure music. And those who heard it fell to their knees and worshiped. It was the greatest of poetry that had ever been spoken. His life was poetry. It was the song of all songs in living color, in human flesh as He dwelt among us. He still dwells among us today and His heart is open to us as it was then.
What was on John the Baptist was great. His calling out was great. But what's in us is even greater than he. And our calling out is just as important or greater. That's what Jesus said. God is connecting us to the eternal sound of His words. He wants us to hear it.. for when we do, that hearing produces faith.
Jesus is still speaking today. With the same romance that was in his heart when He walked the earth is still in Him today as He walks the earth of mens hearts. There is a sound for this moment, for now. He is pulling from the eternal song a melody for us to sing today. That's what has been happening with Jen and I. Father is tuning us into what He's singing right now. We are hearing a sound in our hearts that is calling out to us. We can hear it... it's like the sound of water. It's beautiful. It says that His voice is like the sound of many waters. If you have ever sat next to a brook, and stopped to listen you know the sound.
There was a special place that I used to love to go to and listen to the sound of "many waters". In that place my eyes would close and listen. I would listen with the deepest parts of me. I wanted the sound to fill me. That place was my familys cabin.
When I was only a boy my Father bought a piece of property on the Trinity River. I remember the first day I saw it with my mother... it was a dream. All she could do when she saw it was cry. There was no place like it on this earth, at least to some of us. It was a place of utter beauty and wonder. I spent many, many days there exploring God, myself and the creation He had made. All of it came together where two streams met. My heart and God's heart were forever tied together in that place as my life flowed into His and His into mine. I would get lost there in all the colors, sounds, textures, smells, and thoughts that would collide with my heart. I was the floating leaf. I was the beetle rounding the stone. I was the hawk circling over head. I was the grey squirrel leaping to another tree. I was the only deer in the meadow. Everything was too wonderful to be true. And to each wonderful discovery there was the sound of water escorting my heart to understand the essence of things. It was a special place and is a special place to me still. I will never forget my life along the banks of the trinity.
I spent thirty years there, a good portion of my life, enjoying a most precious gift from God to our family. The property was situated among streams. There was the mighty crown jewel called the Trinity, and then there was the Hawkins Creek rolling down past the cabin by the deck into the river. There was a location on the deck between the creek and the river that afforded the attentive listener a multiplicity of water sounds. All you had to do was quiet yourself and listen. You would then hear a most beautiful sound. You would hear the trickling of the creek to your left, and it's soft pounding of waterfalls as it flowed to the base of the creek where it spilled into the river. There the river would sing as it received the offering the creek was giving. The river hummed quietly to you and strong. It was not prideful in its passing, but confindent in it's course. You could feel it's power in the main channel, though its shoulders were gentle along the banks. It moved swiftly and gracefully whispering to you escorting you down river to where you would hear the roar of its powerful set of rapids. It's authority was ever true and unyielding.
You could isolate each sound if you wanted to. Or you could stand perfectly still and let all the sounds come together as they flowed in from near and far. I always would think of Jesus there and consider that this sound was like His voice. When the psalmist would try to express the beauty of His voice, all he could say was that it was like the sound of many waters. Or they would say it's like thunder. But on those days sitting on the deck with the warmth of the sun, I was being romanced by the eternal song of God as He called out to me, from deep unto deep at the sound of His waterfalls, as all his waves and breakers washed over me. It was a chorus of sounds lifting me into something more. There wasn't just rocks and trees there. There wasn't just birds and animals. There was a voice speaking. I heard a sound there that I'm hearing today. It's the same sound that brought me home. I felt at home in that place like no other place on earth. Jesus gave that to me there. He's giving it to Jen and I here now. This sound is the stuff of faith. We are learning to hear it and let it fill us. The eternal song of the eternal lover. He is love. Our lives are about love. That's why we are smiling. That's why we can laugh. We are hearing the song that God is singing over us. We are learning to live under waterfalls.
Faith to me is not like a cold stone or a hard rough object. It's not like cement or poured concrete. It's not hard really at all. But then faith can be hard and cold it seems... I don't know maybe we make it that way more than it's supposed to be. But one things for sure, I want to find the faith that is like a flowing stream, or a bubbling brook, that isn't made of cement. Can faith be gentle, full of hope, full of grace, full of love and full of delight, even full of laughter? I'm hoping so. We are venturing to believe so.
And those sounds we are wanting to hear for our lives are not just far off. They are close by too, just off the deck of our lives. They are in us even, coming forth from our own hearts. Our hearts are to be filled with music, with love, with the sounds of heaven. Our hearts are to overflow with this music, with worship. We are to release this sound to others. We do that by opening our hearts.
An open hearted person comes to depth and comes to healing. As a heart opens to people again, it opens to the Presence in a special way. Through God's people there is a voice crying out, like one crying out in the wilderness. It is crying out to the wilderness of soul so many people are living in. That cry in the heart of God to the cry of the broken hearted, to ones who have not been comforted by the words of Jesus, by the love of Father, is to be heard through us. You can say we become the sound of Heaven's Cry in the earth. We release the sound by our hearts opening to care for them. We allow the depth of us that's been touched by the sound of heaven to be opened to them. Our hearts open with the words of God to love as we ourselves have been loved. That's why it is so important to be loved and to be healed. Our hearts become beacons of a homecoming. Healing is a sound. It is a word. It's like a waterfall. Jesus said of Himself:
"I have come to bring good news to the afflicted;
I have come to bind up the borkenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives..." (among many things)
Jesus spoke this... He was calling out. Deep unto deep at the sound of His waterfalls. What does the waterfall from heaven sound like? Read the verse again and you will hear it. The brokenhearted healed. That's what's in the waterfall. That's what the rocks under the water are revealing. They would cry out if we don't. They know, creation knows, that there is healing for itself in us. Creation groans for the sons of God to be revealed. Creation as well as the peoples of the earth are waiting to hear from us. We will sing, we will rejoice and worship when we ourselves learn to hear the sound and the words Jesus is singing. We simply need to return to the decks of hearts where two streams meet. We need to return to the healing sound, to the poetry in the heart of God as He sings over us His song of love. Let us hear again Him "calling out". Let us return to all that's pure and good. We will once again be like children at play in His fields. We will be the beetle finding it's way. We will be the deer filling up on blackberrys. We will be tree planted by the living water. We will be the trout meadering in the shade of the deep pool. We will come home. We will be living in "our cabins", in our dreams forever.
This is what we learning to do with Sarah in our lives. We are learning to be in our dreams. She is apart of that. She is our little dream in a bundle under a veil of flesh. Without hearing the sound of heaven, without understanding the melody and the words to the song, we would not be in a dream. We would be in a tradegy. Thank you God that we don't live where streams don't flow. We live in a place where rivers flow. Jen and I are staying in the song Jesus is singing over Sarah. It's a word. It's a sound. And everyday we are moving ourselves under the waterfall, moving to a place of faith, to hear God speak to us.. deep unto deep.
Friday, February 1, 2008
All We Need is Love... (short entry from Jen)
Joseph has been doing all of the writing for the Sarah Pages...I've been so blessed and so encouraged to get on here and chew on the words he's been writing. His heart has been incredibly "God inspired" and its a joy to get to tap into that place through this blog...
I read a quote today by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and simply wanted to share it...it seems to go with the flow of where Joseph's heart has been leading this blog:
"The person who loves their dream of community, will destroy community, even if their intentions are ever so ernest. But the person who loves those around them will create community."
All we need is love :)
I read a quote today by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and simply wanted to share it...it seems to go with the flow of where Joseph's heart has been leading this blog:
"The person who loves their dream of community, will destroy community, even if their intentions are ever so ernest. But the person who loves those around them will create community."
All we need is love :)
Thursday, January 31, 2008
"You give them something to eat!"
In this circumstance with Sarah, Jen and I, it may seem like we don't have much to give. We should be worried about ourselves, putting ourselves first in everything. It's okay, I guess, to think this way. But we've felt there is another way to think about things. It could seem like all we have to give in this situation is five loaves of bread and two fish; as if that wasn't enough. Well, it's kind of true, that about sums it up. But I'm realizing with the little we have WITH God, it sometimes is too much! We have more than we need for ourselves and our five loaves and two fish can feed a multitude of folks. He's saying we have an abundance, so we can give it all away. We can give it to Jesus. We can open up our hearts and care about not only ourselves, but others too. And that's how it's been feeling lately since Sarah has arrived. We have more than enough for ourselves. We have so much to give. "Look at Jesus and the Father... What do we not have?!" Our hearts are also saying: "Let's give it away." God is very gracious. He's teaching us to be the same way. He is continuing to teach us how to position our lives and lay down our perspectives and ways of approaching life and healing, so that not only we are fed but those around us. When He breaks the bread of our lives, everyone gets to eat.
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ in me."
God showed me a picture in my heart yesterday while I was praying with Jen. I saw a cross in my heart, with the front of my heart wide open, allowing anyone looking to see in. I felt God speaking that there is a cross in us. God is drawing people to it. That cross in us takes the pain of the world upon it. Jesus took it all from us. He took all the pain, the hurt, the sin, the sickness, the disease, He took it all so that we could be free. So it is. And the work was a complete one. You can add nothing to it. We are free. The problem is so many of us are not seeing that fully realized in our lives, to see it come to full expression in our experience. Positionally it's done, but experienctially most of us are still in progress. That would describe Jen and I...and Sarah too. So this is the jist of what I was hearing yesterday as an insight into healing. This is by no means a complete picture of my theology of healing - it's only an aspect of healing I felt Him revealing to me. This is the beginning of a meditation on a aspect of healing I'm still processing. So this is not a complete thought - I'm simply journaling what I'm hearing. May it bless you...
By us opening our hearts to care for people, the cross in our hearts become visible. The power of the cross and all that it represents is present to heal. The people in pain see their freedom when they are allowed to look into our hearts and see the cross and the freedom we have. The cross to Jesus symbolized death, but to us it is not a symbol of death but rather a symbol of life. It represents so many things, but the one I felt God emphasizing here was the one of "freedom through love". The cross is a symbol of our freedom. When people are allowed to look into our hearts they are able to see life not death. And when they see our freedom through an open heart, they are seeing Jesus, they are seeing the Father, they are seeing the power of the cross in our lives, that is also available to them.
"It is no longer I who live but Christ in me." It's like what Jesus said to Phillip about seeing the Father in Him: "He who has seen Me has seen the Father..." And then following: "Believe Me that I am in the Father, and the Father is in Me..."
For people to see the Father in Jesus, Jesus had to open His heart. How else would they see the Father without looking "into" Him, "into" His heart? The walls had to be out of the way. This openness of heart Jesus lived in was the way in which He was to reveal the Father through the power of the Holy Spirit. He said to Phillip if you don't believe Me, and can't see the Father this way, "... believe on account of the works themselves." His "works", and His words were also ways in which He was revealing the Father. There are others. But what I felt God emphasizing to me was the way His openness of heart revealed the Father. His open heart was a key to a lifestyle of living and abiding in the Holy Spirit and the kingdom and seeing healings and miracles of every kind. For us it's the same. We are to allow people to see "into" us who is dwelling there. Something happens when they do. Something is available to them if we will. Not only are miracles available to them but they are to see Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and the resulting freedom and healing that's accessible to them. I feel that's why God showed me a cross visible in my heart. When they see the cross in our hearts, they see the heart of God. It's a revelation of love for them. It speaks to a life laid down for their sake. That's what they saw in Jesus even before He gave His life on the cross. They saw that the cross was already alive in His heart. He had already given His life for them. The cross confirmed outwardly to the world an inward reality that was already true. That's partly why people followed Him. No one lived that way. Everyone was out for their own interests not those of others. Our hearts and lives are to reflect that same truth. Paul said it like this when he saw this same kind of heart come alive in Timothy.
"For I have no one else of kindred spirit who will genuinely be concerned for your welfare. For they seek after their own interests, not those of Christ Jesus."
"... no longer I who live but Christ in me." People are looking for a love that is about them, that is for them, that chooses them, that takes the time to care and accept them, that cares about their pain and helps them to get free. People want to see that kind of heart in us that was so visible in Jesus. When we live open to people's pain to care for their pain, the cross of Jesus is made available to them through us. And what they see draws them to us, just like it drew them to Jesus. When we open our hearts not only are they drawn to us, but God draws near to them. The spiritual atmosphere begins to change in that moment over them concerning the problem they face as we allow compassion to flow through us. We can see in any situation the Spirit of God about to turn water into wine, "the Word into flesh", ashes blown into worship, depression into joy, and pain into peace. We simply have to learn how to love and take the risk of opening our hearts to care and to love. By doing so we give that person an opportunity for an encounter with a living God who gave his life to them on a cross so that they would be free.
Jesus wants us to open our hearts to them and care about what they are struggling with. He says: "You give them something to eat." And like in the feeding of the thousands, Jesus heals the people because He "felt compassion for them healing their sick." We are to do the same. Compassion is a heart opening up to care. Out of it flows healing. But something else was happening in the hearts of His disciples, in those who were with Him. Somehow the hearts of His disciples were not understanding the heart of God for the multitude. Who knows why? But it's clear to see one thing Jesus is showing us through this story. There was a heart condition in His followers that needed to be lovingly confronted and changed.
This is what was in their hearts concerning the people. This is what they said: "The place is desolate, and the time is already past; so send the multitudes away, that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves."
Jesus responded by saying: "They do not need to go away; you give them something to eat!"
Jesus turns it back to them, telling them to be apart of the answer to the people's problem. It's simple, we bring what we have to Jesus and He multiplies what we can give, but first we must be willing to give. What's being spoke of here isn't only about multiplying food. I believe what Jesus is showing us and is looking for is more than believing for a miracle and faith to do that. He's looking at the heart, looking for love. He's looking into them to see what's there. And what He sees is confronted, "They do not need to go away; you give them something to eat!"
In other words He said, "How 'bout you open your heart to care. Sending people away is not the answer. Closing your heart to their needs is not the answer. I want you to do something about it. I want you to give them something. I want you to open your heart. I'm here with you. What you lack in caring for them all, I will make up the difference. For I have more than enough to go around. I just need you to care about them. Get your heart repositioned and let the love flow. Give me what you have and I'll increase it. If you'll do that, they will see me. What you do is a reflection of me, as what I do reflects on the Father. I'm here with you. Open to them and give to them what you have so that I may give to them my abundance, all that's been made available to you and to them through my life."
"He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, He blessed the food, and breaking the loaves He gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave to the multitudes, and they all ate and were satisfied."
One of the most satisfying things in life is to care about people. Everyone gets to partake of the goodness of God when people are cared for. We all have five loaves and two fish. In our eyes, that kind of care and love for someone isn't enough. Well it isn't if you don't open your heart. But as soon as you do, Jesus is blessing what you give, and breaking it wide open to increase it. The multiplication starts to happen with the opening of the heart. All that was paid for on the cross is a free gift to us now. It's a free gift to them. We don't have to go buy it somewhere else and go into the village to get it. It's freely given. A life, a beautiful one, already paid for it all. Listen:
"Ho! Every one who thirst, come to the waters;
And you who have no money come, buy and eat.
Come, buy wine and milk without mony and without cost.
Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And delight yourself in abundance.
Incline your ear and come to Me.
Listen that you may live...
And let him return to the Lord
And He will have compassion on him..."
The man who is saying all of this has healing in His wings - He is Almighty God, Prince of Peace, Eternal Father, Wonderful Counselor! Imagine thousands upon thousands with all the needs, hurts and problems there to deal with, and to boot, they are hungry. Sound familiar? Do you ever see situations like this, or lives like this, or communities or cities like this? And Jesus says, not only to them, but to me, to all of us, "You give them something to eat." "They don't need to go away."
To be continued...
Monday, January 28, 2008
In the confidence of our Father
"Be joyful... rejoice for her, all who love her." (continued)
Part 2 KNOWING EACH OTHER ACCORDING TO THE SPIRIT
"... As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you;
And shall be comforted in Jerusalem.
Then you shall see this, and your heart shall be glad.
And your bones will flourish like the new grass."
We've been realizing again how God looks upon the church, upon us, even Sarah, and sees everything complete. He knows us acording to the Spirit, not according to the flesh. He sees us wrapped in Jesus. We are clothed with Him. So the Father is not looking at us seeing all our imperfections, flaws, and sins. It seems He is looking to bring to fruition and bring to light all that is already existing in His heart for us, what He's already done. His intent is to manifest what already is true. If parts of our lives are where they should be, if Sarah isn't whole in body, soul, mind and spirit and heart the way she should be, then He's wanting to correct that and bring about a change. He wants "the word" - His opinion, His testimony of her life to be realized, to become flesh. He wants the reality of Heaven to fill the earth, even little Sarah's body. "The Word became flesh" He's forever doing that, causing the Spirit to be "fleshed out" in us, so we become the embodiment of that word. We are to be moms and dads... like Him of course. So He speaks to us sharing His perspective according to the Spirit, not according to the flesh. He's speaking to us about Sarah according to how He sees her, not accordding to how the doctors might see her.
God sees the Church complete and perfected. It's not living that out yet, but He's purposed in His heart to move her there. He's moving her to a place where she is fully the mother giving the full measure of comfort she was and is meant to give. In her, in the her bosom we will be comforted. When we see this come into a more complete expression, whether now or later, it says our hearts will be glad. I think He's speaking of tremendous, outrageous joy and gladness.
With the gift of Sarah to our lives, God is saying:
"I am making you into my church, a mother and father who comforts and cares for my beautiful child-bride. She may seem incomplete and not fully formed to the fullness I have for her, but she will be. I want you to see her that way. I want you to stop looking at her shortcomings and her sins. Do not reject her or despise her. I want you to get my heart for her. I desire that you would get my heart of love for her and see how beautiful she is as if seeing her for the first time, like when you see a little boy or a little girl whose pure and innocent and full of life, joy and excitement about life. It's like what Adam saw when he first set eyes on Eve. I want to give you eyes to see her that way. I will help you see that in her, not only in Sarah but in my people. I want you to see it in those that have yet to come to know me, for they are like Sarah too. Not only do I want you to know people according to the Spirit, but I want you to see every circumstance according to the Spirit. Every circumstance, every conversation, every moment of your life there is a perspective for you to step into that I've made available to you. You simply have to train your eyes and ears to live there. The gates of the kingdom are always open to you. I am always with you and all that I have is yours. I have something for you in every situation. I've already prepared these things for you. All you have to do is simply live without walls. You must live open heartedly... live without fear. If you learn to do that with every person, with every circumstance that you face, nothing will be impossible for you. Mountains will move and the gates of hell will not prevail. You will be indomitable You'll be more than an overcomer. You'll live in perfect peace. You'll be unmoved by the storms of life. You'll be able to speak peace to the storms and they will be still. And this life will be for you - a celebration of my life in you. You will be rejoicing always and full of my joy. Behold I extend peace to you like a river."
Through the gift of Sarah to our lives, we are learning that God wants to teach us to live increasingly in the Spirit. Watching Jen with Sarah everyday is a constant reminder of where we need to be living. It's a choice we have to make moment by moment. It might seem as if we are living a fantasy at times trying to escape what's really going on. I often wonder if people think we're doing that. I'm sure some do. It doesn't really matter either way. We have to live out this situation the best we can. We also know how easy it is to become cynical and calloused and to have a dull heart, an unbelieving heart. We want to avoid that. That would be far worse to allow our hearts to be filled with that kind of poison.
Listening to God is sometimes subjective and unclear. But I know He's okay with us making mistakes. He's wanting us to grow in the knowledge of His ways, and get to know Him better. He's more concerned about our trusting Him I think, than us always getting it right. We are going to stay imperfect. We will always live with weakness and our inadequacies. And I'm so thankful He's okay with that. In the gospels He made that reall clear to Peter.
We are learning to keep embracing our weaknesses and accepting them while leaning into the perfection and healing of God and all His strength made available to us in our weakness. Without God we are powerless to do anything for Sarah. But with God, we have the power to see the impossible submit to the authority and lordship of Jesus. We are expectant, but fully vulnerable in holding our hearts out this way. We do it because His hands are underneath us. We also know what joy it brings Him to see His kids confident in who He is to them as they face difficult circumstances. That's something any father would enjoy. Fathers I think love seeing their kids take risks when it is directly influenced by their fathering in their life. I can hear a father saying even now: "That's my boy... look at him now... look at him go! I'm so proud of Him."
While we hold onto the words Father has shared with us, we are willing to yield where we still need to. We are willing to change course if He wants us to. We want our hopes to be solely in Him alone, not in Sarah's healing. In all that has been said, this is true, we are trusting not in what we want to happen, but in what He says He wants to do. We do our best to hear what that is. We try to keep ourselves from running down paths that are in an attempt to comfort ourselves. If we took paths like that we could end up disappointed and deeply wounded, or possibly disillusioned.
Thank you God for your ways and your thoughts. Bring us more Holy Spirit... tell us of what Father has been dreaming up even before we were born. Take from Him that which He wants to give to us in this time.
I saw the stars tonight. God reminded me of what He said to Abraham, of what He promise Abraham. Abraham is a father to us. And as it was for him so it is with us. We are walking down paths others have worn in before us, even paths Abraham himself walked. They are not new. Solomon said, "There is nothing new under the sun." Our situation is not new, it's the stuff of dreams. God shared His dream for Abraham with Him and I feel He's doing the same with us. So we take the way of of our father going in the confidence He has given to us looking to the stars and there blinking faces to remember the promises that we all share in common.
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