Words From Jen's Journal

"Meditation is old and honorable, so why should I
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, properly
attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion.
Can one be passionate about the just, the ideal, the
sublime, and the holy, and yet commit to no labor
in it's cause? I don't think so.

All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds towards radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of - indolence, or action.

Be ignited, or be gone." - Mary Oliver

I know there is more to this journey than simply a great tragedy. I know that mixed into the grieving and the pain are laces of humor and joy, romance and love. I can't help but think of my Sarah as a seed of kindness, sown into my womb by Joseph... and developed and nurtured in grace by God. The seed was planted deep within me on my birthday - a gift I will never forget. My state of weakness and silence from my Father left me in a vulnerable seat I called home for the last nine months. Daily Joseph would visit my heart in this seat - carefully tending to the fragile seed within me that we now know to call Sarah. He watered me with his love and encouragement, his affection, his grace and compassion. He spoke to me of the wisdom of God - of the truth that he is so familiar with, because of pain resurrected into joy in the past. Laughter was slowly filling his cup and from it, he poured into me. God spoke to Joseph - Joseph spoke to my heart - and the seed grew.

Sarah was more than a seed, she represented life, joy, courage, endurance, fight, grace and kindness. She represented victory over this consuming world of pain and loss. When i thought she had lived her last day, she'd gently remind me of her presence by a soft blow to the ribs... and sure enough, the water would pour a fresh from Joseph's heart and give me the courage to carry her yet another day. I can honestly say it was never easy. I never felt confident to move forward without the arms of my Joseph carrying me - and the arms of our Father, invisible as they may have seemed, wrapped around the three of us ever so tightly. His touch was never felt. His breath never heard - but His manifestation was made known through my husbands willing ear to hear.

Sarah was a gift on so many different levels - she was a seed of kindness planted in my womb. She was a humble, beautiful heart seen in my husbands sacrificial love and service. She was the invisible voice of God only making itself visible through the words written on the Sarah Pages. She was my grace in the morning - my reason to live. She was a gift immeasurable. I know God's plans far exceed my own - but my aching breasts and my love filled arms already miss the weight of her presence. I can't understand why she's better off next to you in Heaven Father - but I surrender my trust to you - for i really don't have another choice. If I choose anger or frustration, I wouldn't be true to what my heart knows of you. If I choose silence and distance, my heart will grow famished... For now it needs love more than ever. So I choose love - even though it comes with pain and sorrow, grieving and loss. I would be lying to myself and others if I didn't take the time my heart needs to breath out all the pain - all the loss. I've suffered an incredible loss, the loss of my motherhood - and that void will have to sit empty for awhile. Only God knows what's next...