Overdue Update!

Jaya (River's buddy - 3 days apart) and River

River meeting his "cousins" (Joseph's sister's horses)

Joseph and River at the Golden Gate Bridge

Mr. Blue Eyes

Happy baby

River loves his dad

I can't believe how long its been since I've updated this thing. I have so many stories to tell. Tears I've cried. Laughter. Some scary moments....but I'm exhausted right now and don't have the energy to type. But I promise to update soon...I really miss writing on here, its been such a refuge and place of processing. So for now, here are a bunch of recent pictures. River and his buddy Jaya (Jaya's mom Bobbi and I were pregnant together and gave birth 3 days apart...its been so fun watching them grow together!) Also, we took a trip up north to visit Joseph's family...so a few pictures from that trip too. Hope you all are well. I miss being on here....more to come soon!!

Fall has officially arrived

Fall has officially arrived. I realized this morning that I've been living in a constant winter since we found out about Sarah. This January it will have been 2 years since we stepped into the doctor's office and heard the diagnosis of death for our child. Seasons have come and gone and my senses have only picked up on the cold, damp tears of winter. 2 years of winter.

But this morning...this morning I woke up and smelled fall in the air. My skin experienced the cold northern winds and my heart moved forward. This isn't to say that I haven't walked through some healing, experienced joy and laughter and felt the warmth of the sun. I have lived and enjoyed life, but to be honest...I literally didn't notice a change in seasons. It all felt and looked the same to me. But this morning, the seasons have come alive again and I am no longer wrapped up in my winter coat.

I've come so far in this journey of healing...thank God for a change in the weather of my heart. I can hear a song of passion starting to flow through my blood again...warming my heart and steadying my soul.

Oh to feel again....welcome fall, I've missed you.

Not moving on

A friend sent this to me today and I was really touched. I can only hope that 60 years from now I'm still talking about Sarah...thanks Nathalie for thinking of us. You've been an amazing support through all of this!

Here's the post:

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Don't Move On

When you're grieving, well-intended people sometimes say, "It's time to move on." And if you get stuck in the early phase of grief where every single thing you do -- eat, sleep, dress, talk -- relates directly to your loss, people might say behind your back, "She really needs to move on."

The very notion of moving on has made me fear I'm grieving incorrectly -- I'm stuck, depressed, or insane. But today, six years since my triplets died, I can finally say with confidence that I'm not moving on. When an intimate dies, it's up to you to respond in your own way. If you need to move on, maybe because the person or their dysfunction tormented you, then you're finally free to enjoy this world without them. But if you weren't ready for them to leave, then you can keep them close.

Theologian William Spencer writes in this month's Christians for Biblical Equality newsletter about his mother. As her Alzheimer's progressed, a physician asked her how many children she had, as a memory test. She added one to the usual number, but it wasn't due to memory loss. Bill learned she had a stillborn baby, and never spoke of the baby even to its siblings. Another friend of mine said that, as her mother was dying, she spoke most often of her baby who had died sixty years earlier. She was eager to finally get to hold that baby.

You don't have to move on; you can move with. As I'm sure many of you do, I have a small collection of dearly departed friends and family who move with me in this life. They each offer something different to me - hope, love, courage, and joy. May they rest, and may we move, in peace.

// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 1:08 PM 4 comments

http://jenellparis.blogspot.com/

A river of joy...

Here's a video of a happy River this morning :) Just ignore the proud Mom and her silly "baby talk" in the background! Enjoy...

Can I keep him forever....please?

It has been exceptionally hot here in Santa Barbara the last several days...and like most homes here, we don't have air conditioning. So, that means a naked little baby most days...he's a lot like his mom and dad - he doesn't like heat! Joseph hasn't been sleeping well (he hears River and I up every 2hrs), so he got run down and sick this last week...River wasn't feeling the best either (it finally hit me today, bummer). All that to say, the last few days he's been especially "needy". He doesn't like to be put down, prefers to be held during naps (whew, working the arms for sure!) Yesterday we had to drive up to San Luis Obispo to pick up a part for our VW and he required one of us holding his hand on and off during the drive or else he'd fuss.

All this may seem like a bit much...or like I'd be overwhelmed with him needing to be touched all the time the last couple days...but to be perfectly honest, I'm in heaven. The fact that I'm a mom who has a son who even needs me in the first place, is absolutely beautiful. Overall he has been such an easy and pleasant baby...totally entertains himself, full of smiles and laughs. He actually likes the car seat because he knows we're going somewhere (or getting in the stroller, he LOVES being outside!) He fits his name well...he likes to be on the move!

My heart sinks when I even entertain the thought that he isn't forever...none of us are. We live in a broken world full of broken people and this means bad stuff happens. We've already experienced it first hand with the death of Sarah. I never would have dreamed I'd be standing graveside burying my first born child. Never. Yet it happened. Despite all the prayers. It happened. That experience was a sort of "loss of my innocence". I know now not to expect the perfect outcomes...its okay to hope and dream - but there are never guarantees in life. River growing old with us is not something I can count on...and so these days are beautiful.

The smell of his skin. The weight of his sweet little 2 month old body sleeping in our arms. His noises, laughs and smiles. The way his hair stands up in front. His little hands and how they collect lint like it was their job. His beautiful blue eyes. Watching his chest rise and fall as he breathes...

These days truly are beautiful. After losing Sarah, there's not a single thing I take for granted with my sweet boy. I know not to count on "forever", so today is what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful to have a son who is healthy and growing. A son whose personality is already showing itself - we can't wait for the days ahead! I'm thankful for my husband, the love of my life and my best friend. The man who stuck by my side through a really dark season. The father of my son (and daughter).

Today is a new day...and today I'm thankful. Because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Life is a journey and we never quite know what's around the corner. Rather than living in fear of losing what I have and love - I want to live each day in thankfulness and joy. I want to look back at these early days of River's life and remember just how sweet life is...no need to complain about losing sleep. Dirty diapers. A needy son. I'm simply thankful.

Growing like a weed - only cuter :)

Our little River is growing like a weed, only cuter :) We had our 1 month check-up yesterday and I was in shock when the measurements were read! She also told me that River is acting more like a 2 month old than a 1 month old in terms of eye movement, strength, talking and all around development. Forget being the President or playing for the NFL, that did it for me! One proud Mom :) I know you probably don't care all that much, but for people like my mom I figure its worth writing about - here are the measurements from yesterday:

1 week check-up: 20 inches long & 6lbs 8oz
1 month check-up: 23 inches long & 9lbs 9oz

If that's not growing like a weed, I don't know what is!! 3 inches and 3lbs 1oz...I was so impressed by my little man that I took the time to try a spoonful of my milk last night (I know, probably something you also don't really care to hear)...it seriously tasted like sugar filled cream...all that was missing was the coffee. No wonder the little guy wants to eat all the time! How nice to be a baby :)

I had no idea what a gift it would be to actually have River in my arms. I've mentioned it before, but to see Sarah in him makes it that much better. It's also been so nice having people comment on how cute he is or how peaceful he is (they don't see him getting his diaper changed some days!) - but without fail comes the dreaded question, "Is he your first?" The scenario from there is the same every time (some responses vary, but mostly the same):

Me: No, he's not our first.
Curious bystander: Oh! How old is your first?
Me: Actually, we had a little girl and she died a year ago April.
Curious bystander: (with the 'Dang I feel like a fool, why did I ask that stupid question' look on their face) Oh, I'm so sorry.
Me: Thanks. We wouldn't trade her or the experience for anything in the world.
Curious bystander: Ok, have a great day (as they walk away awkwardly)

I find myself immediately in conversation with Sarah as I walk away from these encounters - "You were/are worth it! We wouldn't trade you for anything Sarah...we just wish you were here."

Such is life...I can't wait until River is old enough to understand all of this. I can't even fathom the joy my heart will get hearing his sister's name come out of his little mouth. Family will take on a whole new meaning :)

Send us rain

A friend's blog reminded me of a song that has kept me going in some of the most difficult times, thought I'd share the link. Thanks Doris, for the reminder :)

Little Olives