Pictures!! (Baby shower and River's Ultra Sound)

Mom and I at the end of the long shower day

My River Belly at 32 weeks

Lacee and Loree :)

I was pregnant with these dear friends last time with Sarah...

Camille and Ander at the grill :)

We tie-dyed about 15 onsies (different sizes)...they turned out so cute!

And finally...my sweet River James! Look at those lips :)

Thanks for praying...the ultra sound went great - River is exactly as he should be, my uterus is as it should be...all the amniotic fluid is fine...phew. It was a relief. Also, it was a nice surprise to get to see all the shots of River this far along in the pregnancy. He's such a cutie. He was in a classic yoga position with his feet all the way up over his head. Can't wait to meet him!!!

Learning to trust

(Above are my parents, little sister Mali and Joseph and I at Mali's college graduation! It's the closest thing I have to a pregnancy picture at this point (32 weeks)...more to come later)

Pregnancy has been quite the journey for me. It has required a walk of faith that I've never had to endure before. As of today, I've been pregnant 16.5 out of the last 20 months of my life. Wow. I can honestly say its been a journey of learning to trust every single day. Walking through life with Sarah was an incredible gift, but also such a stretch for my heart and faith. I grew so much during those months of fighting for her life. I was constantly having to check myself...make sure I wasn't giving into fear or feelings of failure. There were days when she wouldn't move at all, challenging me to trust her into God's hands over and over again. It's amazing how responsible you feel as the mother carrying the child. I felt a sort of helplessness - there was nothing I could do to ensure her health or life. I would cry my eyes out asking for peace and rest for my heart...needing God more desperately than any other time in my life. In the end, we were given the gift of a journey we wouldn't trade for anything...but the aftershocks of that season have been showing their ugly face again more recently.

For those of you who have lost a child...I'm assuming you've experienced similar "aftershocks". I've had to fight fear and worry - even on days when I'm full of joy and laughter. If our little guy is more quiet than usual (not moving as much), my mind immediately goes back to the days with Sarah and I find myself in a battle of the mind. I have to stop what I'm doing, close my eyes and make a conscious effort to stay in peace and rest - trusting that God is in control.

Two weeks ago presented the obstacle of visiting the hospital again. The last time we were there, my body had gone into early labor and we showed up only to find that our little girl had died. This time around, the same thing happened - I went into early labor, the doc made us go to the hospital to get monitored...and thankfully, it had a different outcome. A healthy heartbeat and a kicking little boy who didn't like getting monitored. It felt so good to hear that heartbeat - but definitely stirred up all kinds of emotions and fears and required a lot of trust. I'm glad its a hurdle we've crossed...but in some ways I am ready for a normal pregnancy (if there is such a thing!).

The last few days have been a real challenge as well. River hasn't been moving as rapidly and as strong as usual...which I'm sure is normal as women get closer to their due date...but because of our last pregnancy, it immediately sends me into a place of worry that I have to battle my way out of. Today was the icing on the cake. Each doctor's appointment I go to, we always place bets on how much weight I've gained. My last appointment was 2 weeks ago and everyone was guessing around 2lbs. So...I get to the doctor, climb up on the scale and find that I've actually LOST 2 1/2 lbs. What!? I've been eating the same. Living life the same. Okay...I kept my heart at peace and stayed in a place of rest while waiting for the doctor. River's heart beat sounded great - as healthy as ever - but when she measured my uterus, it was measuring small too. Great. Sooo...all that has led to another trip to good ol' Dr. Soffici where I have to get another ultra sound to make sure he's growing okay. My initial reaction looked something like this: fear. what am i doing wrong? peace. everything will be okay. worry. what if i lose another child? pressure. am i not a good mom? peace. everything will be okay. fear again. etc etc etc. In the end, I came up with a hundred reasons why my uterus is measuring small and why I've lost weight. Even my doctor said it could be as simple as my height...I'm 5'10"...so maybe I just carry smaller because he has such a big space to grow in.

I don't know. I'm kind of over trying to figure it out. From now until Friday (when I get the ultra sound) I need to just continue in this journey of trust. There really is nothing I can do to ensure we deliver a healthy, perfect little boy into our arms in the next several weeks. Only God is in control of that. Overall its been such a beautiful and joyful journey...just the last few weeks have spun me out in a bit of an emotional/hormonal/dizzying spin of worry. I guess I'm just sharing all this so that if there are others out there who have walked through something similar - you know you're not alone. It's normal to have these fears and worries come up. I think its normal to feel protective and responsible for the life within you....and I'm longing for it to be normal to fall into the loving and peaceful arms of God the Father in the midst of it all.

I'll let you know how Friday goes. If anything...it'll be nice to get another look inside at this cute little guy :) Maybe I'll have some pictures to post. ALSO...I have my first ever baby shower this Saturday - so I'm sure I'll have lots of pictures and stories to share from that! Stay tuned :) Thanks for reading...I love knowing I have support out there.

Fire...again!

As most of you already know, Santa Barbara is on fire....again. The picture above shows the current evacuation areas...we're not a very large town, 90,000ppl at best...and 30,000ppl are currently evacuated with more scheduled to happen soon. That's a third of our town! Dozens of homes have been burned. Some 36 schools are shut down (some due to air quality). It's absolutely mind blowing. The worst of it is, this is our 3rd major fire in the last 12 months! The last fire (Tea Fire) in November burned more than 200 homes down. The current Jesusita Fire (named after a popular hiking trail where the fire was thought to have started) is said to be the worst emergency Santa Barbara has faced in 25 years. The latest update said the fire is about 10% contained - not the most hopeful statistics, but better than 0%. The temperature is expected to get to 100`F again today, so the firemen are working hard this morning to try and get some of it under control.

With all that said, we're thankfully on the ocean side of the 101 Freeway - which looks to be the safest place in town. So we have not been evacuated and I don't think we will be. We've actually planned to leave today for my little sister's college graduation down in Orange County. As bad as I feel leaving our community in a time like this - there's nothing much I can do to improve the situation, so I'll selfishly take some "fresh" Orange County air and a chance to sit by the pool and relax this belly of mine.

We had a bit of a scare yesterday. My body seems to really love going into labor. I had some early labor episodes with Sarah and have had some earlier on in this pregnancy, but yesterday was a little much. It started about 4pm on Wednesday...my body for no reason went into having consistent contractions for several hours. Even laying down didn't calm them down. Right before bed they started to mellow out, but a few hours into sleep they woke me up and I was up the rest of the night with painful, strong contractions. I was having all the signs of early labor - cramping, pressure down low, nausea, lower back pain, etc etc. I called the doc and she made us immediately go to the hospital to get monitored. Thankfully, my cervix hadn't dilated at all - so I was able to go home after a little over an hour of being on the monitors. I've basically been on my back ever since...trying to get my uterus to calm down. Like I said, I guess my body just loves labor! HA. Either that or River is especially excited to come join us this side of the world :)

It was a bit of a treat - as well as a definite hurdle crossed - going to the hospital and having a positive experience. Our last time there was filled with such sad and painful memories. Even being hooked up to all the monitors was a source of joy because River was as wild as always - kicking and moving non-stop, making it hard for the nurses to get the best reading. I love this little guy already :) I think he takes after his dad....haha.

Anyway, enough drama for one blog entry....hope this finds you well! Thanks for all the prayers - it would be great to have a downpour of rain right about now!