An old friend sent a video link to me the other day. It's a short video (6 minutes), but helped bring some much needed healing to my heart. It's a story about another couple who went through a similar journey to Joseph and mine...only this family was graced with 99 days with their little Eliot. Please watch, we really think you'd be as blessed as we were. (thanks to Stone Crandall for recommending it!)
99 Balloons
In case the above link doesn't work...here is the web address: http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons
much love, jen
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Words From Jen's Journal
"Meditation is old and honorable, so why should I
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, properly
attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion.
Can one be passionate about the just, the ideal, the
sublime, and the holy, and yet commit to no labor
in it's cause? I don't think so.
All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds towards radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of - indolence, or action.
Be ignited, or be gone." - Mary Oliver
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, properly
attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion.
Can one be passionate about the just, the ideal, the
sublime, and the holy, and yet commit to no labor
in it's cause? I don't think so.
All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds towards radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of - indolence, or action.
Be ignited, or be gone." - Mary Oliver
I know there is more to this journey than simply a great tragedy. I know that mixed into the grieving and the pain are laces of humor and joy, romance and love. I can't help but think of my Sarah as a seed of kindness, sown into my womb by Joseph... and developed and nurtured in grace by God. The seed was planted deep within me on my birthday - a gift I will never forget. My state of weakness and silence from my Father left me in a vulnerable seat I called home for the last nine months. Daily Joseph would visit my heart in this seat - carefully tending to the fragile seed within me that we now know to call Sarah. He watered me with his love and encouragement, his affection, his grace and compassion. He spoke to me of the wisdom of God - of the truth that he is so familiar with, because of pain resurrected into joy in the past. Laughter was slowly filling his cup and from it, he poured into me. God spoke to Joseph - Joseph spoke to my heart - and the seed grew.
Sarah was more than a seed, she represented life, joy, courage, endurance, fight, grace and kindness. She represented victory over this consuming world of pain and loss. When i thought she had lived her last day, she'd gently remind me of her presence by a soft blow to the ribs... and sure enough, the water would pour a fresh from Joseph's heart and give me the courage to carry her yet another day. I can honestly say it was never easy. I never felt confident to move forward without the arms of my Joseph carrying me - and the arms of our Father, invisible as they may have seemed, wrapped around the three of us ever so tightly. His touch was never felt. His breath never heard - but His manifestation was made known through my husbands willing ear to hear.
Sarah was a gift on so many different levels - she was a seed of kindness planted in my womb. She was a humble, beautiful heart seen in my husbands sacrificial love and service. She was the invisible voice of God only making itself visible through the words written on the Sarah Pages. She was my grace in the morning - my reason to live. She was a gift immeasurable. I know God's plans far exceed my own - but my aching breasts and my love filled arms already miss the weight of her presence. I can't understand why she's better off next to you in Heaven Father - but I surrender my trust to you - for i really don't have another choice. If I choose anger or frustration, I wouldn't be true to what my heart knows of you. If I choose silence and distance, my heart will grow famished... For now it needs love more than ever. So I choose love - even though it comes with pain and sorrow, grieving and loss. I would be lying to myself and others if I didn't take the time my heart needs to breath out all the pain - all the loss. I've suffered an incredible loss, the loss of my motherhood - and that void will have to sit empty for awhile. Only God knows what's next...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
"running with the wild horses..."
This entry is from an email I received from my friend Joyce in Ontario. I felt it should be shared here. Thanks Joyce!
"Your story of Sarah makes me want to share so much, and maybe I will one day. All I want to say right now is that I feel your journey of running with the wild horses...of running with the river. ..letting its current make you run faster than you would have on your own steam. I feel your abandonment to it, feeling the scrape of the rocks and other things but letting the exhilaration of where you are going pull you along. It's a nervous and adrenalin pumping run, but when you collapse on the bank of the river, you feel the breeze on your wet skin and the throbbing of bruised and beaten up limbs.... and when your heart eventually quiets, you will feel the sun penetrate you and something happening inside. When you are rested and ready, you'll know when it is time to get up and see what happens next. And you'll never doubt that you should have run so full on with the currant. The bruises and the scrapes will be healed. And you will see with the eyes of your heart that it was all worth it. That by opening the door to Sarah, you opened the door to so much more...her decision to come to earth was a fight for others who are not fought for....things will be different for those who do not have a voice, for she stands before the Lord with the voice of authourity, speaking for those other little ones who agreed to come to earth and for their parents who do not open a door for them. things will never be the same here on earth because of Sarah and because of you. In the secret and the quiet place where God is vulnerable and gives Himself and lets part of Himself manifest and grow into a little baby, there is holiness, and there is a healthy fear of the Lord. Sarah fought for that.
Please put this away if it's not good for you. Please forgive me if it's not right. I feel joy and triumph for Sarah and for your spirits. My soul identifies somewhat with your journey of walking to the cross...like Mary who watched her baby walk to his cross, taking her heart with him."
I love you guys from up here in Ontario. Thank you for including me.
your sister and friend
Joyce
"Your story of Sarah makes me want to share so much, and maybe I will one day. All I want to say right now is that I feel your journey of running with the wild horses...of running with the river. ..letting its current make you run faster than you would have on your own steam. I feel your abandonment to it, feeling the scrape of the rocks and other things but letting the exhilaration of where you are going pull you along. It's a nervous and adrenalin pumping run, but when you collapse on the bank of the river, you feel the breeze on your wet skin and the throbbing of bruised and beaten up limbs.... and when your heart eventually quiets, you will feel the sun penetrate you and something happening inside. When you are rested and ready, you'll know when it is time to get up and see what happens next. And you'll never doubt that you should have run so full on with the currant. The bruises and the scrapes will be healed. And you will see with the eyes of your heart that it was all worth it. That by opening the door to Sarah, you opened the door to so much more...her decision to come to earth was a fight for others who are not fought for....things will be different for those who do not have a voice, for she stands before the Lord with the voice of authourity, speaking for those other little ones who agreed to come to earth and for their parents who do not open a door for them. things will never be the same here on earth because of Sarah and because of you. In the secret and the quiet place where God is vulnerable and gives Himself and lets part of Himself manifest and grow into a little baby, there is holiness, and there is a healthy fear of the Lord. Sarah fought for that.
Please put this away if it's not good for you. Please forgive me if it's not right. I feel joy and triumph for Sarah and for your spirits. My soul identifies somewhat with your journey of walking to the cross...like Mary who watched her baby walk to his cross, taking her heart with him."
I love you guys from up here in Ontario. Thank you for including me.
your sister and friend
Joyce
Sunday, April 20, 2008
From us to you (News of Sarah's Passing)
From us to you –
Jen and I wanted to let everyone know what has recently taken place concerning Sarah. A few days ago our time of caring for her came to an end. Sarah is no longer with us. She is now free and enjoying all that God has for her. We are so thankful for that. We are so glad she could go be with Him before ever knowing the kind of pain we feel today. Our loss is so very real. There are no words to describe what this is like. But I can also say the comfort of His love is equally as real and present for us. We don’t have answers to so many things, but having questions isn’t bad. It comes with the territory. Pain and loss is never easy to understand. We are allowing the questions to be present without forcing there to be answers. We are so glad to know she is running free, wide eyed and full of joy. This is comforting to remember when our hands are left empty. We had hoped for and believed in a different outcome to this story, and we are glad we did. It is what gave us hope, and hope is a good thing, it’s sometimes the best of things. Without it we would of withered a long time ago. Instead we had days filled with joy, laughter and the dreams of what might come of us with Sarah. We cannot tell you how much our lives were enriched by her being with us. Each day was a gift. And like it is when you lose a son or a daughter, the loss is overwhelming… It’s hard not to be undone. We feel the loss today but it’s only because we loved, and loving is never wrong. We knew there was only one bridge to life for Sarah for her to finally be with us. We knew that bridge would be one of miracles. It was a long shot, but there was no other way for us to go. We were entrusted with her to give her the best possible chance at life. We feel we’ve done that to the best of our ability. So we don’t feel any regret. Instead we truly feel the pleasure of God over us for caring for her life in the way it feels He wanted us to. Life is hard sometimes and circumstances can feel unfair. We know what that’s like… we just want people to know that you can face anything with God next to you. It’s not to say you won’t feel pain, because you will, it’s just you won’t be alone in it, and you won’t stay broken and shattered when it’s all over. He will stay with you… He will come… and He will heal all that hurts, and then He will show you there is life after the ashes. We are in the midst of this right now.
God saw that there was a better way for this to end, or you could say, carry on. We are yet to understand all the ways in which this was the better way… but we will soon enough, and if not, that’s okay too. It won’t change what we know to be true. God is good… He is faithful and loving – perfectly loving. And in this situation it was and is so evident, and so very true that He is all those things. He has done great things. If we had the time and the energy, we could tell you story after story of His perfect love in this situation. Some day maybe we will.
For us this journey carries on. It carries on for all of us. So many of you stood with us. You have no idea how much this has meant to us. We weep with thankfulness over your hearts for us and for Sarah. We want you to know you have touched us deeply with your many acts of kindness and love. All of you who prayed and wept with us, who laughed and celebrated our victory over death, who carried us in the bosom of your hearts… you are our treasures, our lights in the darkness as we walked through this valley. Our debt to you is beyond repaying. Please know it didn’t go unnoticed, not by us, and certainly not by God who sees in secret. Your hearts are beautiful to us and we only wish to be there for you in the same way you’ve been here for us. We are eternally grateful to you – We so want to say thank you. Thank you a thousand times for lifting us up when all we could do was lay down and surrender. Heaven touched our hearts on countless days and we know it was you who opened the window to let in the cool breeze. If we could compare you to anything we would say you are like the sunshine after the rain. You refreshed our hearts and gave us of your own faith, which strengthened us on many days when we could walk no longer – blessings to you. You will be remembered… and if I could speak for Sarah I’m sure she would say to you as well – “thank you. Thank you for caring for my Mom and Dad.”
Though she is not with us, she is alive, and the journey continues on, except she is there and we are here. We carry on seeing her in our minds dancing and spinning in the beauty of our dreams, where she is the pearl – the princess of our lives, running along the beach where we long to lift her up into our arms and kiss her bright and shiny face. We feel her absence so very intensely and our grief pours out.
So this is how it happened:
On the seventeenth of April, Jen gave birth to Sarah. Unfortunately Sarah’s heart had stopped working some time before the seventeenth, possibly two days before, but we’re not sure. For Sarah her life with us began on Jen’s birthday when she was conceived. And by the hand of God her life with us ended as timely as it began, on my birthday. It seems her life and her times were truly chosen by God. And now thankfully, Sarah and I share the same birthday. Jen and I will be able to celebrate my birthday and Sarah’s birthday together for years to come. For me as her father, it’s a special gift.
So as the story goes we checked into the hospital on Wednesday because Jen had been having contractions consistently for well over twelve hours. Soon after arriving we had an ultra-sound done. We had a sense something was wrong the previous day. The ultra-sound confirmed it - her heart was no longer beating. That was Wednesday morning. Thursday night at ten twenty-two, after a sleepless night and hours of labor, Jen gave birth to Sarah. I won’t go into details of all that happened while in the hospital. I will just say it was rough. It was emotionally draining, physically exhausting, and spiritually difficult. I have to say though, that Jen was a true champion in the way she gave herself to giving birth to Sarah. She showed incredible courage and strength enduring unbelievably hard circumstances. I saw so much beauty in her during that time. I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. I witnessed her as an expression of grace - selfless, sacrificial, loving while under tremendous pressure. She fought for her little girl like the best Mom would finishing the race with honor, dignity and heart like I’ve never seen before. I’m sure she made Sarah proud too. She was my hero that day, as she was every day carrying Sarah with love and tenderness. What I saw in her these many months made me understand so much more how some blooms are more beautiful than others because of the adversity in which they open up.
After Sarah was born we were able to have as much time with her as we needed. It was incredibly hard and confusing and painful. You don’t know how to feel in moments like that. Sarah is beautiful and looks so much like her mother. Her lips and nose and facial features spoke of Jen. She had a stout head of hair as well like her Dad, dark and thick. Holding her was timeless. She was so delicate and tiny and sweetly serene, like she had known no trauma. It was like looking at a face you would someday know intimately in your heart… the connection between parent and child is undeniable. Everything was sort of surreal when we were with her with so many different emotions colliding and running into each other in the same space. We are still feeling that now. The journey without Sarah is now beginning and many things in our hearts are still finding a place to land. It seems it will take time, and time we will take. We can join with others in saying we don’t understand why things happen the way they do. We know there is a tendency to seek answers and understanding so as to comfort the pain. But we are just trying to allow the questions to be there without requiring answers or understanding. We are simply trusting God for his timing and understandings with things. He’s shared with us so much already, it’s just that death has a way of confronting what’s inside like nothing else. That’s why we are moving slowly through all of this and letting our hearts breathe out all that’s happened, while breathing in what His is giving us today.
Please pray for us… for this is not over. We have many more obstacles to walk through. We are so thankful for friends and for family. You have all made us feel very much not alone. We thank you for that. We plan on sharing in the grieving with all of you, for it is a loss for all of us. We realize this is not just about us, it’s about the collective “us”. And we are in this together. We aren’t wanting to isolate at all, so please understand that. We’ve just needed a few days to collect ourselves and find shelter for our hearts. It took a lot out of us over the last so many days and we are gathering the pieces of our hearts back together… and we want to do that with our friends, and we will. Thank you for giving us this time. Thankfully we are in a new home, which is a perfect gift from God… we love it here already. It’s a home full of light, full of perspective (a view), and sits on a hill looking to horizons (ocean) that fall off the earth. It is a kiss from God to be here.
Thanks again for traveling with us this far… we love being with you all. And if you would like… we would like to invite you to stay with us still, as we would like to carry on with you wherever life will take us. Our lives all come into rough waters sooner or later, without fail and to have friends in the storm can often be the difference between arriving or being lost at sea. The storms are also a part of what makes this life worth living, for the joys wouldn’t be as great without the valleys in between. We are all traveling together towards the same destination, towards our true resting place. And for us when we get there, there will be a little toe head in the welcoming party that will run to us with arms open wide… we will finally be reunited with our little girl, and nothing will separate us from her again.
May God be the one to receive Glory from her life, from all that she gave to us. May all that has come from this circumstance bring Him honor. Let it be for ages to come and for eternity to come a testimony of His unfailing love, of His unrelenting faithfulness. When things are most difficult and it seems like there is no way out and all is lost, that even then, God is trustworthy - that in His infinite power, wisdom and love, He will see us through to a brighter day. For we know and are to know that our lives will continue to see a life of love and laughter increasing, even when we suffer loss. We are to see this joy growing more and more, even as we come to know that the ones we have lost, though they are departed, are laughing with Jesus, enjoying the splendor and beauty of His outrageous personality, and that soon we will join them and every low place in our hearts will be filled. God is so good… we know it even more today. Thank you Jesus. You are more wonderful than words. Bless you guys. Thanks again for being with us. May your reward from Him be Heaven itself, alive and living in your hearts. And as Jen dreamt one night about Sarah and having a conversation with God about Sarah in the dream He said: “Sarah is a fire starter, she’s to ignite hearts.” May it be so. May her life give to your heart and life, a new fire to go live life well, even when it all seems lost.
From us to you with thanks,
Joseph and Jen
and Sarah Elizabeth too
Jen and I wanted to let everyone know what has recently taken place concerning Sarah. A few days ago our time of caring for her came to an end. Sarah is no longer with us. She is now free and enjoying all that God has for her. We are so thankful for that. We are so glad she could go be with Him before ever knowing the kind of pain we feel today. Our loss is so very real. There are no words to describe what this is like. But I can also say the comfort of His love is equally as real and present for us. We don’t have answers to so many things, but having questions isn’t bad. It comes with the territory. Pain and loss is never easy to understand. We are allowing the questions to be present without forcing there to be answers. We are so glad to know she is running free, wide eyed and full of joy. This is comforting to remember when our hands are left empty. We had hoped for and believed in a different outcome to this story, and we are glad we did. It is what gave us hope, and hope is a good thing, it’s sometimes the best of things. Without it we would of withered a long time ago. Instead we had days filled with joy, laughter and the dreams of what might come of us with Sarah. We cannot tell you how much our lives were enriched by her being with us. Each day was a gift. And like it is when you lose a son or a daughter, the loss is overwhelming… It’s hard not to be undone. We feel the loss today but it’s only because we loved, and loving is never wrong. We knew there was only one bridge to life for Sarah for her to finally be with us. We knew that bridge would be one of miracles. It was a long shot, but there was no other way for us to go. We were entrusted with her to give her the best possible chance at life. We feel we’ve done that to the best of our ability. So we don’t feel any regret. Instead we truly feel the pleasure of God over us for caring for her life in the way it feels He wanted us to. Life is hard sometimes and circumstances can feel unfair. We know what that’s like… we just want people to know that you can face anything with God next to you. It’s not to say you won’t feel pain, because you will, it’s just you won’t be alone in it, and you won’t stay broken and shattered when it’s all over. He will stay with you… He will come… and He will heal all that hurts, and then He will show you there is life after the ashes. We are in the midst of this right now.
God saw that there was a better way for this to end, or you could say, carry on. We are yet to understand all the ways in which this was the better way… but we will soon enough, and if not, that’s okay too. It won’t change what we know to be true. God is good… He is faithful and loving – perfectly loving. And in this situation it was and is so evident, and so very true that He is all those things. He has done great things. If we had the time and the energy, we could tell you story after story of His perfect love in this situation. Some day maybe we will.
For us this journey carries on. It carries on for all of us. So many of you stood with us. You have no idea how much this has meant to us. We weep with thankfulness over your hearts for us and for Sarah. We want you to know you have touched us deeply with your many acts of kindness and love. All of you who prayed and wept with us, who laughed and celebrated our victory over death, who carried us in the bosom of your hearts… you are our treasures, our lights in the darkness as we walked through this valley. Our debt to you is beyond repaying. Please know it didn’t go unnoticed, not by us, and certainly not by God who sees in secret. Your hearts are beautiful to us and we only wish to be there for you in the same way you’ve been here for us. We are eternally grateful to you – We so want to say thank you. Thank you a thousand times for lifting us up when all we could do was lay down and surrender. Heaven touched our hearts on countless days and we know it was you who opened the window to let in the cool breeze. If we could compare you to anything we would say you are like the sunshine after the rain. You refreshed our hearts and gave us of your own faith, which strengthened us on many days when we could walk no longer – blessings to you. You will be remembered… and if I could speak for Sarah I’m sure she would say to you as well – “thank you. Thank you for caring for my Mom and Dad.”
Though she is not with us, she is alive, and the journey continues on, except she is there and we are here. We carry on seeing her in our minds dancing and spinning in the beauty of our dreams, where she is the pearl – the princess of our lives, running along the beach where we long to lift her up into our arms and kiss her bright and shiny face. We feel her absence so very intensely and our grief pours out.
So this is how it happened:
On the seventeenth of April, Jen gave birth to Sarah. Unfortunately Sarah’s heart had stopped working some time before the seventeenth, possibly two days before, but we’re not sure. For Sarah her life with us began on Jen’s birthday when she was conceived. And by the hand of God her life with us ended as timely as it began, on my birthday. It seems her life and her times were truly chosen by God. And now thankfully, Sarah and I share the same birthday. Jen and I will be able to celebrate my birthday and Sarah’s birthday together for years to come. For me as her father, it’s a special gift.
So as the story goes we checked into the hospital on Wednesday because Jen had been having contractions consistently for well over twelve hours. Soon after arriving we had an ultra-sound done. We had a sense something was wrong the previous day. The ultra-sound confirmed it - her heart was no longer beating. That was Wednesday morning. Thursday night at ten twenty-two, after a sleepless night and hours of labor, Jen gave birth to Sarah. I won’t go into details of all that happened while in the hospital. I will just say it was rough. It was emotionally draining, physically exhausting, and spiritually difficult. I have to say though, that Jen was a true champion in the way she gave herself to giving birth to Sarah. She showed incredible courage and strength enduring unbelievably hard circumstances. I saw so much beauty in her during that time. I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. I witnessed her as an expression of grace - selfless, sacrificial, loving while under tremendous pressure. She fought for her little girl like the best Mom would finishing the race with honor, dignity and heart like I’ve never seen before. I’m sure she made Sarah proud too. She was my hero that day, as she was every day carrying Sarah with love and tenderness. What I saw in her these many months made me understand so much more how some blooms are more beautiful than others because of the adversity in which they open up.
After Sarah was born we were able to have as much time with her as we needed. It was incredibly hard and confusing and painful. You don’t know how to feel in moments like that. Sarah is beautiful and looks so much like her mother. Her lips and nose and facial features spoke of Jen. She had a stout head of hair as well like her Dad, dark and thick. Holding her was timeless. She was so delicate and tiny and sweetly serene, like she had known no trauma. It was like looking at a face you would someday know intimately in your heart… the connection between parent and child is undeniable. Everything was sort of surreal when we were with her with so many different emotions colliding and running into each other in the same space. We are still feeling that now. The journey without Sarah is now beginning and many things in our hearts are still finding a place to land. It seems it will take time, and time we will take. We can join with others in saying we don’t understand why things happen the way they do. We know there is a tendency to seek answers and understanding so as to comfort the pain. But we are just trying to allow the questions to be there without requiring answers or understanding. We are simply trusting God for his timing and understandings with things. He’s shared with us so much already, it’s just that death has a way of confronting what’s inside like nothing else. That’s why we are moving slowly through all of this and letting our hearts breathe out all that’s happened, while breathing in what His is giving us today.
Please pray for us… for this is not over. We have many more obstacles to walk through. We are so thankful for friends and for family. You have all made us feel very much not alone. We thank you for that. We plan on sharing in the grieving with all of you, for it is a loss for all of us. We realize this is not just about us, it’s about the collective “us”. And we are in this together. We aren’t wanting to isolate at all, so please understand that. We’ve just needed a few days to collect ourselves and find shelter for our hearts. It took a lot out of us over the last so many days and we are gathering the pieces of our hearts back together… and we want to do that with our friends, and we will. Thank you for giving us this time. Thankfully we are in a new home, which is a perfect gift from God… we love it here already. It’s a home full of light, full of perspective (a view), and sits on a hill looking to horizons (ocean) that fall off the earth. It is a kiss from God to be here.
Thanks again for traveling with us this far… we love being with you all. And if you would like… we would like to invite you to stay with us still, as we would like to carry on with you wherever life will take us. Our lives all come into rough waters sooner or later, without fail and to have friends in the storm can often be the difference between arriving or being lost at sea. The storms are also a part of what makes this life worth living, for the joys wouldn’t be as great without the valleys in between. We are all traveling together towards the same destination, towards our true resting place. And for us when we get there, there will be a little toe head in the welcoming party that will run to us with arms open wide… we will finally be reunited with our little girl, and nothing will separate us from her again.
May God be the one to receive Glory from her life, from all that she gave to us. May all that has come from this circumstance bring Him honor. Let it be for ages to come and for eternity to come a testimony of His unfailing love, of His unrelenting faithfulness. When things are most difficult and it seems like there is no way out and all is lost, that even then, God is trustworthy - that in His infinite power, wisdom and love, He will see us through to a brighter day. For we know and are to know that our lives will continue to see a life of love and laughter increasing, even when we suffer loss. We are to see this joy growing more and more, even as we come to know that the ones we have lost, though they are departed, are laughing with Jesus, enjoying the splendor and beauty of His outrageous personality, and that soon we will join them and every low place in our hearts will be filled. God is so good… we know it even more today. Thank you Jesus. You are more wonderful than words. Bless you guys. Thanks again for being with us. May your reward from Him be Heaven itself, alive and living in your hearts. And as Jen dreamt one night about Sarah and having a conversation with God about Sarah in the dream He said: “Sarah is a fire starter, she’s to ignite hearts.” May it be so. May her life give to your heart and life, a new fire to go live life well, even when it all seems lost.
From us to you with thanks,
Joseph and Jen
and Sarah Elizabeth too
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