Dear Sarah,

I'm really missing you today. We had a house full of guests over the holidays...all of your family was here running around like crazy, enjoying the festivities of your Auntie's engagement and a Thanksgiving feast! Ellie and Nicholas were here too...they would have really loved you. You would have loved them. They were busy playing with trucks and dolls and exploring the backyard. Ellie and I combed the beach for sea glass and ran from the waves before they touched our feet. I didn't realize how much I was missing you in all of this until everyone left...until the house was quiet again. It was then I realized what we're missing in not having you here.

I had dreamed of your joy and laughter and even cries filling our little house. Every space would have been occupied with your presence...with your life. Now, we sit empty...and after having the kids here for a week, my heart grieves even more the silence that embodies us.

For the most part we're doing really well. Your memorial service was so healing. I didn't want to let that dove go...I felt I was finally letting you go...but after releasing it and watching it join the rest of the flock, I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. Thanks for being there with us. Thanks for showing up. I feel the reality of your heavenly presence even more now than I did before. Your ashes are no longer sitting on our book shelf and your baby blanket is no longer in view. My heart deeply misses you, but I'm thankful to have stepped further into healing.

Another change is that we're pregnant again! We're not sure whether we're 2 or 3 months along - we still have to visit the doctor - but its exciting none the less :) I know that this child will never replace you, but only add to our family. I've been pushing away the fears that something is wrong with this child too. The pregnancy has been relatively easy so far compared to when I carried you, so in some ways it feels too good to be true. Hopefully it is just the grace of God.

I miss you my sweet girl. I miss the sounds that never came from your beautiful mouth. I miss the memories that will never be....but I'm thankful for the time I did have with you. I'm thankful that you are safe and comfortable, away from the pain and struggle of this world. I'm thankful for you.

With all my heart,

Your Mommy