Remembering Sarah

This past Friday (April 17, 2009) marked what would have been Sarah's 1st Birthday. It also marked Joseph's birthday - a day that passed without any recognition last year because of the painful circumstances surrounding Sarah's birth/death. So, for the last month I've been dreaming up ways to make this birthday special for him - after all the attention and care he's given me over the last year of healing, he deserved a day set aside for him!

We got up early Friday morning and loaded up the VW for a weekend adventure up in the Eastern Sierras. I wondered how I would feel that morning. So many sad and painful memories are now linked to his birthday, so I didn't know what to expect of my heart that day. By God's grace I woke up with such joy and anticipation for the weekend. About an hour into the drive I surprised Joseph with a small gift for him to open. I wanted to wait and open it when we got into the heart of the mountains, but he was so excited we couldn't put it off any longer :) The surprise was two tickets to the U2 concert at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena October 25th!! He's always wanted to see Bono live and it just so happens that they're touring this year for the first time in a while. Tickets sold out shortly after the ticket boxes opened up, but I was fortunate to remember (especially with my preggo brain!) and get us a couple tickets before they were all out. Joseph was speechless...he cried...he definitely wasn't expecting it. I love blessing him. I love making him feel special and set apart. He so deserves that...

The trip was magical. We camped out at a hot spring the first night...with no one else in sight, no city lights, no distractions...we laid back in the warm pool and watched the dark sky light up with stars. Its a night I won't soon forget. Before we went to bed, I made Joseph close his eyes while I prepared one last surprise. Two chocolate cupcakes - one with a pink candle and the other with a blue candle - one for Joseph and one for Sarah. The visual was almost too much for my heart. We should have had her with us. We should have been watching her stuff her face with chocolate and then get cranky a little later from her rare encounter with refined sugar. It was a hard reality...a look straight in the face of loss. Joseph and I both cried and embraced before blowing out the candles and enjoying the treat. What a day.

The next two days were equally magical. We hiked up to a beautiful frozen lake surrounded by the majestic Sierras. We camped that night in the middle of a field of sage, drowning in the smell and the silence of the air around us. We both felt so embraced by God. By each other. We also managed to hike our way up a stunning river canyon just before we hit the road for the journey back...I love adventure.

Yesterday Joseph was back to his crazy/busy schedule and my heart was left missing him after 3 days of solid, uninterrupted time together. I didn't realize the reality of my heart until I crawled into bed last night. The weekend came and left in what felt like a blink of an eye and my heart spent no time grieving or remembering or reflecting on the loss of our sweet Sarah. It was like a rushing waterfall was released and the emotions of my heart came flooding out of my mouth and eyes and soul as Joseph and I held each other in bed. I didn't know I needed that. I didn't know I had expectations and dreams for her day. I was so caught up in making it special for Joseph, that I didn't stop to think what might be healthy for my/our hearts regarding Sarah. It's not that I wanted to dwell on the pain or anything like that - I simply wanted to remember. I wanted others to remember. But they didn't.

I received one card. A bouquet of flowers and card from another friend. A text from a dear family friend. My parents were so sweet to send a bouquet of small pink roses...I couldn't help but cry my eyes out when I saw them being delivered. To have someone else (someone other than me who carried her) remember was so healing. Someone else remembered. They remembered that she was actually a living, breathing creature that had life and a giving heart within her. They remembered the excruciating pain my physical body went through that day - pushing and laboring out our precious, lifeless little girl. They remembered what it was like for our hearts to finally realize that the journey fighting for her life was over - the crushing blow to our spirits and the horrific feeling of leaving the hospital with empty arms. I guess I expected to come home from the long weekend away with my mailbox full of cards, my mantle full of blooming flowers and my email in-box filled with kind words....but none of that happened. 3 people remembered. I didn't realize until last night how much that hurt my heart...

Even though my heart was expecting so much - my head knew that the reality was different. How can I expect people to remember? It's unfair. I mean, how many deaths and losses have other people experienced where I've missed "remembering" with them?! How many people lose loved ones to disease and accidents everyday without anyone knowing or reflecting? I'd be a hypocrite to hold any judgment...yet to be honest with my heart, I knew I still needed that. I needed others to remember. I realize now (even more) how important community is. How important it is to walk with others through pain and trials. I don't want to miss that chance with others...its too important and life is too short.

All this to say, I wanted to express what my heart was breathing out this morning. The beauty, the serenity, the love...and the reality of pain and loss and a life quickly forgotten. Thankfully...she will always live on in our spirits. She will always be our first born daughter - our Sarah Elizabeth. Not a day goes by where I don't remember her...and that's all that matters. I so appreciate all of you...forgive me for not walking closer to you in your losses and grief. Life is short and its fortunately not all about me.......