My New Year....

Today is January 7th. The day that rocked my world one year ago. Joseph and I got up and made a special breakfast. It was going to be a good day. The cabin was cold and we had a fire going, nothing like waking up to a fire on a frosty mountain morning. It was the day we were to find out the sex of our child! We had just come back from a CO Christmas where we had received a HD Video Camera for Christmas...we were so excited to use it. So excited to start documenting our beautiful child's life. Today was the beginning. We got ready. Got the camera rolling. I was especially excited....I had remembered several dreams about this little child and I was sure it was a girl. Everything in me knew. But I also had a gut feeling that something wasn't quite right. Even from the beginning...the very first pregnancy test...my heart knew something was wrong. This day only confirmed it.

We had the video camera rolling the entire drive down the mountain. It was a beautiful day. The ocean was glassy and the islands were especially crisp and clear. We had Red House Painters playing in the background...it couldn't have been more peaceful, more serine. We eventually made our way to Dr. Soffici's office - his name still haunts me...he was the bearer of ALL bad news throughout our whole journey with Sarah. After parking, Joseph got the camera rolling again as I shyly spoke into the lense to tell of our mornings adventure. We were about to find out if we were having a little boy or girl. I was nervous. He continued filming as I climbed the steps up to the doctors office. Told the receptionist my name. Sat down in the waiting area among other pregnant women. I never felt like I fit in. They were huge...glowing with excitement with bellies that looked like they were about to pop. I was already 5 months along and still hardly showing. Something in my gut knew there was something off....something wrong.

Eventually they called my name and we stumbled back into his office. I laid out on the table, showing my non-existant belly as he grabbed the bottle of jelly and squeezed. Joseph tried to get the video camera rolling again, but for some odd reason the battery had died. By the grace of God.

The next few moments were moments I'll never forget. As I watched the screen and saw what looked like a beautiful little girl, the doctor went on to say things like, "Oh no" and "I'm so sorry". I turned cold and white. Joseph put his jacket over me to try and stop the shivering. I was in shock. My baby was going to die. The doctor advised us to abort soon.

We left with tears in our eyes, shaking bodies and sunken hearts. I remember looking out at the women in the waiting room with such sadness. They were having healthy babies. Mine had just had a death sentence spoken over her. Life would never be the same...

That was the beginning of our year. It was the beginning of a crazy year of hope and faith, as well as death and loss...depression and doubts. Nothing in me would take it all back. Nothing in me would trade our journey with my sweet little girl for the comfortable life. She was our first born. Our Sarah...

I'm considering today my New Years Eve...and tomorrow the beginning of a whole NEW year. Ironically, tomorrow I go in for my first ultra sound for this new little one within me. I'm only 14 weeks along, but it will be refreshing to see our little one moving and kicking around. I can't say I don't have some fear and worry in me...but I've learned through all this to not expect anything. I'm not expecting a perfect child to be placed in my arms at the end of this pregnancy, but I'm also not expecting the worst to happen again. Instead, I'm allowing my heart to rest in peace and just take things one day at a time. There's no other way to live...

So...Happy New Year to those who have continued to read our blog. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your prayers. I can only hope that this new year will hold more joy and laughter than the last....