Okay. I promised to write on here sooner, but once again time has slipped by. Joseph happens to be at work and River is down for a nap, so I thought I'd get a quick entry in while the house is quiet. Soooo, where to start. It's been quite the month. A few weeks back we had some friends over for dinner and River was fast asleep in his kanoe (
click here to see what a kanoe is). Joseph and his friend went out on the front porch to enjoy the stars while my friend and I sat on the couch inside. A few minutes passed and I had a funny feeling in my gut....something told me to check on River. So, I went into the room and touched his cheek...it felt a bit cold. I then put my hand on his stomach to make sure he was breathing okay (I don't know about other Moms out there...but I'm always checking his breathing!). I didn't feel any movement. I figured he was just in a deep sleep and moved to his chest. No movement. I grabbed his hand (which will usually cause him to pull it back or wrap his little fingers around my finger) and it litterally just dropped to his side when I let go. At this point I had the craziest surge of adrenaline. Thoughts started filling my head, assuring me that I had just lost another child. I was thinking SIDS or something. I pulled the blanket back from him, reached in and started to shake (not violent of course) him and yell his name. River. RIVER.
RIVER. It felt like an eternity, but after about a minute or so he finally gasped and took in a deep breath. With his eyes still shut, he went back to normal breathing and kept right on with sleeping. OH MY GOSH. I can't tell you how terrifying this was. All my fears (after losing Sarah) were alive and raw, reminding me of how fragile life really is. We haven't taken a single day with River for granted....most days I don't think anything of it, but every once in a while I have this horrible feeling like we're not going to be able to keep him for long. Like God must have plans to take this child away as well. I know it sounds terrible, but that's how I feel. So all of those emotions came welling up and I burst into tears after leaving the room. Ahhhhh, I can't lose another child. I think my heart would implode.
I called his pediatrician the next morning and he told us it was time to move him out of the kanoe and into his crib (with a flat/hard mattress). Sooooo, down with the kanoe and up with the crib. We had figured we'd put him in a crib later on when he was older...but for now he was LOVING his kanoe. I guess the doc said that sleep apnea can happen with babies if they don't have enough space to stretch out...so we no longer swaddle or tuck him in...its just him and his cute little dinasour pjs. Of course we put a blanket over him, but nothing tight. Ahhhh. So glad that's over.
Then this last week our poor little guy got the flu (NOT H1N1 thankfully). My mom called on Friday to tell me our little 6month old niece in CO got H1N1. The poor little thing has been throwing up and coughing up a storm. Literally hours later, River came down with a 103` temperature and was super sick. By Tuesday of this week he was finally feeling more himself - smiling and laughing again - but for a few long days, he was miserable. I admit. I cried right along with him a few times. I felt so helpless! This was probably the first of many tears I'll cry over not being able to help him in certain situations....but it was hard. Other Moms, you know what I'm talking about. I kept thinking about my mom who had to mother my older brother through a dozen surgeries growing up (
hydrocephalus). I can't even watch the poor guy suffer through the flu, can't imagine watching him go under the knife. Ugh. I also kept thinking about moms in developing nations who can't just drive down the street to buy some Tylenol to knock out the fever. Moms who have to watch their children die in their arms because they don't have medical care or food. My heart breaks for those moms....more like aches. Sigh.
On a lighter note....River has started the wonderful world of teething! I don't think teeth will actually pop through anytime soon, but the process has begun! We change shirts often and enjoy drool baths throughout the day as he slobbers and spits and chews on everything and anything. We're loving it. He's just so darn cute. The camera has been dead for a while and we couldn't find the charger anywhere...but thankfully we found it today, so after charging up tonight I'll start getting more pictures! Not that you've been missing them or anything...but I'm wanting to share my handsome son with you!!
Being River's Mom has been an absolute delight. He's so much fun. So full of joy and laughter. I can't help but feel thankful. Tonight as I was rocking him to sleep I had a flashback of the hospital room that night I gave birth to Sarah. I saw me holding her, just as I was holding River....only her little body was lifeless. I couldn't remember what she felt like. I couldn't remember how heavy she was or how her little hand felt in mine. I don't want to forget. I can't forget. I asked God to remind me. I hear stories of other women who have lost children and God giving them dreams or pictures of their child. I would love to see Sarah in my dreams....someday.
Okay. Until next time.
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