Can I keep him forever....please?

It has been exceptionally hot here in Santa Barbara the last several days...and like most homes here, we don't have air conditioning. So, that means a naked little baby most days...he's a lot like his mom and dad - he doesn't like heat! Joseph hasn't been sleeping well (he hears River and I up every 2hrs), so he got run down and sick this last week...River wasn't feeling the best either (it finally hit me today, bummer). All that to say, the last few days he's been especially "needy". He doesn't like to be put down, prefers to be held during naps (whew, working the arms for sure!) Yesterday we had to drive up to San Luis Obispo to pick up a part for our VW and he required one of us holding his hand on and off during the drive or else he'd fuss.

All this may seem like a bit much...or like I'd be overwhelmed with him needing to be touched all the time the last couple days...but to be perfectly honest, I'm in heaven. The fact that I'm a mom who has a son who even needs me in the first place, is absolutely beautiful. Overall he has been such an easy and pleasant baby...totally entertains himself, full of smiles and laughs. He actually likes the car seat because he knows we're going somewhere (or getting in the stroller, he LOVES being outside!) He fits his name well...he likes to be on the move!

My heart sinks when I even entertain the thought that he isn't forever...none of us are. We live in a broken world full of broken people and this means bad stuff happens. We've already experienced it first hand with the death of Sarah. I never would have dreamed I'd be standing graveside burying my first born child. Never. Yet it happened. Despite all the prayers. It happened. That experience was a sort of "loss of my innocence". I know now not to expect the perfect outcomes...its okay to hope and dream - but there are never guarantees in life. River growing old with us is not something I can count on...and so these days are beautiful.

The smell of his skin. The weight of his sweet little 2 month old body sleeping in our arms. His noises, laughs and smiles. The way his hair stands up in front. His little hands and how they collect lint like it was their job. His beautiful blue eyes. Watching his chest rise and fall as he breathes...

These days truly are beautiful. After losing Sarah, there's not a single thing I take for granted with my sweet boy. I know not to count on "forever", so today is what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful to have a son who is healthy and growing. A son whose personality is already showing itself - we can't wait for the days ahead! I'm thankful for my husband, the love of my life and my best friend. The man who stuck by my side through a really dark season. The father of my son (and daughter).

Today is a new day...and today I'm thankful. Because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Life is a journey and we never quite know what's around the corner. Rather than living in fear of losing what I have and love - I want to live each day in thankfulness and joy. I want to look back at these early days of River's life and remember just how sweet life is...no need to complain about losing sleep. Dirty diapers. A needy son. I'm simply thankful.