"River is His response..."

This is my (Joseph) first time writing on the Sarah pages again since Sarah died. I wrote a message back then that I didn't realize would be a sort of closing statement on that part of my journey with Sarah. Of course the journey has continued with Sarah, but was simply not written down. You could say my heart became the place where the writing went deeper and into secret places of my soul. I feel the effects of Sarah's life ever taking me deeper in things - I'm so thankful.

The tide comes in and you write like mad and then it goes out and you put the pen down. My journey as a father never stopped when Sarah died, it was moving on into new things. River has become a part of that new thing - and Sarah gives so much meaning to River's life...

After River was born in the morning, I held him one moment that afternoon and as I did I felt this rush of emotion overtake me. I wept holding him. Something deep inside me dislodged and flooded me with grief... and strangely enough, joy as well. I cried and then started laughing all in the same breath. I can't say I've ever felt that type of thing so strongly, or in that way ever! What was tapped in me by holding River was the desire that I have always had to hold Sarah...hold her alive. I never had that. And now I was holding River, who is more like Sarah than anyone else. I felt a connection with her to a new depth that just buckled my heart. The longing in my heart for her found a window to reach through. My heart reached through it without asking me permission. It just went there. I followed it with an outpouring of tears and laughter. I was so happy to hold River! What a dream come true - what a gift, what an absolute miracle! It was a promise fulfilled holding him! It was also touching loss and pain and grief.

It was a cry that was filled with beauty too! It meant so tremendously more now to hold River, who felt like the biggest miracle of all time. He was whole! He was beautiful! Everything seemed to be the way you would hope it to be! That's why Sarah gives so much meaning to Rivers life, and that's why that moment was so eternal and so beautiful. It was like I was holding her too for the first time, feeling the warmth of what her body would have felt like, feeling her fragile frame kick and move as she would have rested in my hands. It was all too much in the most wonderful way. I couldn't talk. I had to whisper to tell Jen and her parents what I was feeling. They soon were crying too.

It was a loving exchange with Jesus in the place of my deep heart where Sarah had broken it. In that place of loss, River was being laid in my arms by the Father. River is not to take the place of Sarah of course, but he was being given to me in the same place, where the wound was suffered. Wherever we face loss, Jesus is wanting and willing to make an exchange with us. He has something to give in its place. It's an exchange in the place of pain, or hurt or loss - where we are broken - "beauty for ashes". He came, as He has many times in this journey with Sarah, to bring more healing, more love, more goodness, more care, more beauty, more life - so that the ashes we still hold may be exchanged for "Rivers".

The Bible always talks about how rivers, or pools, or water will come to the desert places - the wastelands or wildernesses in our lives. I can not emphasize enough how true this reality is to us right now - it's overwhelming!!!! What I'm saying is: God is good! He is faithful! He is really, really, really kind and loving! River is his response to our loss. So cool!

How cool? Even before Sarah was born Jen had three dreams about Sarah, followed by two dreams about a little boy. In the dream, Jen was giving birth to a little boy while having the book of James opened up in her lap. She birthed the boy through the book of James. When she lifted him up, his name was River James Dalton. Book of James... interesting huh? God is so previous to everything in our lives. He knows...back then I believe He was already speaking to us, wanting to comfort us with the promise of River. He knew what was going to happen. How kind and thoughtful of Him to start speaking to us years in advance of a difficult season. That's the caring heart of a Father.

I hope I can return to these pages and tell some of the stories of all that's happened with us. A year ago last April (17th) Sarah shot to Heaven in a beam of light! Since then so much has happened. So many cool things. Life has been for me so beautiful, hard in ways, but so amazing - truly! To be honest: maybe the best year and half of my life! I so want to share. I just need time to sit here and do this.

I guess I will be writing more since I felt God wanting me to start another blog: "Conversations with God". Through my work I have the benefit of interacting with Jesus daily on a deep heart level in the lives of so many people, watching him bring healing and restoration to their lives as He talks with them and interacts with the stuff in their hearts and lives. We literally have conversations with God in this setting. So I've been writing them down and I hope to start sharing them soon. They are unbelievably wonderful! The conversations are like unto the book, "The Shack". I'm so excited to share them! They are so encouraging, so real and so raw! They're just out there. But not in a weird way. When you read them, you will know that this is really God speaking with people in profound ways.

HERE is the website if you're interested in what we do.

So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. We love our little "River Boy"! Thank you Father. And we love our Sarah too! How we miss you Sarah... There's so much to say, but for now I'll just end with: There's nothing like the love you feel for your child, especially after you've lost one. Maybe the love we feel for our children is one of closest ways to understand the Father's Love for us. Peace and love to you - Joseph

Note: The picture above was taken in that moment of remembering and rejoicing.