2 weeks of thankfulness...

Napping in the CA heat :)

Love the swaddle...

Crashed out

Warming up after his first bath :)

Morning time with Daddy

Well, its been 2 weeks since River was born and we find ourselves falling more and more in love each day. It's been such an overwhelming experience with this little guy - I can't help but feel like God has really out done Himself on this one. We were thankful to simply have a healthy, living son...but God's grace has seriously washed over us in such crazy amounts these last 2 weeks with our little River boy...he's more than we ever could have asked for. We find ourselves crying multiple times a day - only this time not out of mourning and sadness, but from a place of gratitude and joy. I'll be feeding River and the next thing I know, I'm weeping out of thankfulness. Can this be real? Do we really get to keep him? It feels too good to be true.

River has been an exceptionally sweet baby (I know, I'm the Mom and SUPER biased.) Joseph has been sleeping through the nights starting the 2 night home. I've been getting on average 5-6hrs a night (although not in a row!) We wake up full of life every morning. Most of the time we have to just sit and stare at him...pinching ourselves and giving each other looks of amazement. This is our son. This is our family. Sarah's little brother is finally here. Our desert has literally been filled with rivers of joy and fountains of life. I keep telling people that I haven't felt this good in years!! It's been quite the journey for us and I'm so thankful to be on this side of it all.

I wanted to share briefly about our birth story, just because it too felt like the hand of God. We had a wonderful doula by the name of Ronda Berea...if any of you live in SB county and are pregnant or thinking about starting a family - we HIGHLY recommend her (email us or leave a comment and we can get you her phone number.) I had been having early labor signs for a good month before River came, so when the contractions started that night, I was in total denial. My parents were in town and staying at a local hotel, so earlier that day I went and spent a good hour or so "floating" in their pool. It felt so good to relax and feel somewhat weightless. Later that afternoon I got a much needed haircut. When your hair dreads only minutes after brushing it, its a good sign its gotten too long. That evening was really mellow too. My parents cooked a great meal and we retired for the night.

Like I said earlier - I was having consistent contractions, but wasn't convinced it was the real deal. Around midnight (Joseph had already been asleep) I had a feeling it may be real labor. The contractions started getting more intense and longer in nature. I let Joseph sleep a bit more and eventually woke him. We called our doula around 1:30am and by that time, the contractions were even more intense. We labored at home until around 4:30am when Ronda suggested we head to the hospital...seeing it was our second birth, things were progressing a bit faster and she didn't want to have to deliver River in the back of our VW bus :) (for the record: Joseph and I wouldn't have been opposed to this option, ha!) When we arrived at the hospital ER, they offered me a wheelchair, which I kindly said no to...I wanted to walk to keep the labor going. After stopping several times throughout the walk up to the second floor (to breathe through contractions), we made our way to the labor and delivery floor. This was one of the hardest moments for me - as I had all kinds of Sarah memories come flooding back. I did everything I could to hold back the tears, as I knew if I let one come out, it would be the end of my focus on labor...grief would have strongly taken over. So I pushed through and made it to our room.

At that point, they checked me and I was 7cm dilated and totally effaced. After the required 20min of being monitored, I got off the bed and labored for 2 more hours with Joseph by my side through every contraction. Around 6:40am my water finally broke and after just under 40minutes of pushing, we had a beautiful River enter our world at 7:14am. So from start to finish it was just over 7hrs of labor. We made it through 100% natural, which in this day and age is tough at the hospital - they push every kind of drug and alternative your way...Joseph had to ask them to not do several things as he knew I wanted to make it through all natural God willing.

So that's the story. It was obviously painful, but overall pretty quick...thankful we were able to spend most of the time laboring at home before the last 2 1/2 hours at the hospital. Maybe next time we'll have the joy of giving birth in the VW :)

Thanks again to everyone who has been praying for us. It's been quite the journey walking with this little man - I can't help but see Sarah in his face...I know his big sister is looking down on him with as much joy as we have. The next season of life has just begun :)

"Gone Heavenly" - A Tribute to Scott and Joan Pearson

One week ago I watched two smiling people, two loving souls, two beaming hearts overflowing with joy come see their grandson for the first time...

Jen had just given birth an hour earlier - River gave a tremendous and beautiful cry as he was halfway into this world! It was a beautiful announcement of life! It was startling and nearly shocking hearing his voice for the first time. I didn't know how to respond really. It was so overwhelming, so primal, and so piercing... like an eagle emerging from it's nest. It was pure. It came from the gut. It gave me goosebumps hearing it! It was a gift to hear his voice finally... how we had longed to hear it.

With Sarah - her arrival was announced with silence, no crying...it was a dead calm of emptiness and quiet. Her voice was not present to us. It was gone. What you could hear was the sobbing of our voices as tears fell from our eyes to her dormant little frame laying vacant in our arms. Sarah just wasn't there. She was gone, "gone heavenly" you could say - and everything was silent. It is still beyond words to describe what it was like. I remember it clearly though. You saw it in everyone as you looked into their eyes. The dark areas in the room beyond the lights were present with it. The hospital in all it's plastics and metals was cold with it. The nurses acted with it. The doctors were distant with it. It was like everything had a shadow on it. Even with God present, death is still loss and still so awful to experience. Jesus encountered it with His friends Mary and Martha, as he was moved to tears at the death of their brother.

But that moment when Sarah was born, there was also two loving souls, two beaming hearts full of compassion attending to the their daughters first born little girl - and attending to us too. Scott and Joan Pearson were there with River just as they were there with Sarah. As they also kissed and held and loved on River for the first time, they did too Sarah. Joan was there through the whole birth with Sarah, holding one of Jen's legs as Sarah's little broken body came to us - incredible! She held Sarah after she was born and cried all over her, tenderly attending to Sarah's limp frame. She was there with us. And as we came home, leaving Sarah behind, Joan was there at the house - making a home for us, making us feel comfortable in anyway she could. Her heart ever so quick to cry with us, bringing us so much comfort. We were so glad both them were with us. They helped us in that important transition from going to the hospital with Sarah to coming home without her. How do you thank someone for that? We are still learning. All through the journey Joan has been there for us, calling daily - and we love her so for doing it. Blessings to you Mom!

I remember distinctively after Sarah was born - Scott holding up Sarah, holding her close to his chest, thanking God for her life and how it had touched him - how it had touched him to the deepest parts of his heart and soul. He wept with thankfulness! It was a stunning moment of immense beauty as a grandfather accepted the fate of his granddaughter with total surrender and thankfulness to God, worshiping the Lord, while lamenting her parting. I saw the face of God that day in Scott. I'll never forget it. His response was costly, it was from a deep place in him formed over many days of crying out to God... but it's beauty to God I felt within myself. I felt how much it pleased God. Scott got what the journey was all about and it formed beauty and life in him. The redemption of Sarah was alive in Scott whether she lived or died. The issue was settled for him, God was to be glorified and the beauty of Sarah's life was going to be celebrated. It was a picture of love overcoming death. It represented for all of us, how we felt about the whole journey with Sarah, "Your will be done Lord. May it be unto us whatever you wish. We know that you're good no matter what happens. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for Sarah!"

Scott and Joan have been there for us and this is our thank you to them in the Sarah Pages. Thank you for being there in all of it. You have given us a priceless gift and we are deeply indebted to you because of it. I know you would say we owe you nothing, but we say we do. You've set an example to follow, a standard to reach towards. I would say you've been a shelter for us in the midst of these storms and you've been the ones lifting the banners up in celebration as River's life unfolded into our arms. Your support and love and giving and thoughtfulness and kindness and words and care and hard work and serving and laughter and joy and tears and cooking and willingness and intentions and many other things have been a severe blessing of immeasureble value!!! We honor you today!!! We honor you! We honor you... I hope you hear this - bless you for all you have done for us - from Sarah Elizabeth to River James. We know what you've done and we are so grateful to you. We are so thankful for you! We are thankful...thank you. Thank you. Thank you. A thousand thank you's!!!!


So when River was born these two beaming, loving souls (Scott and Joan) came in to see his little self (River)... and what I saw made me cry. What I saw was their joy being made complete. That's what it spoke to me. Our joy was made full too! They had believed with us for this miracle and now he was here. To share it with them, these two, that had stood with us through it all and prayed their guts out for us... it was the sweetest gift. It was a shared victory, a shared joy! In a new way we had "gone heavenly." It was family overcoming, enduring through it all, taking hold of the promise! It was just so wonderful! It was tremendous! It was a beautiful song... and we were all singing it! When I went to go tell them to come in... I couldn't speak, all I could do was bury my head in Scott's shoulder... it was just so unreal and so deeply moving. He held me as I gave way to the promise, to the gift from the Father, the gift of River, of family, of Scott and Joan, the gift of love, of everything... it was all around us.

You are a part of this too. You who have been here in this with us, whether near or far away. I feel to say, River belongs to you too! He is our gift from the Father! Thank you again for standing with us, for your notes of encouragement. Be blessed. Maybe you will meet River some day soon... Maybe your "River" will come to you. Don't give up... He is faithful. He will come and will bring forth all that He has promised. If He promises, He will bring it to pass..

And like it is for us now, when your River comes, we might say of you, you've "gone heavenly."

Life just took a beautiful turn...

Thanks to Meg Fish and her amazing skills...we so enjoyed getting to know her and HIGHLY recommend her to anyone with a pregnant belly, a newborn or toddler...she has a way of capturing life in such a profound way. We'll for sure use her again in the future! Check out her website:

www.megfishphotography.com

"River is His response..."

This is my (Joseph) first time writing on the Sarah pages again since Sarah died. I wrote a message back then that I didn't realize would be a sort of closing statement on that part of my journey with Sarah. Of course the journey has continued with Sarah, but was simply not written down. You could say my heart became the place where the writing went deeper and into secret places of my soul. I feel the effects of Sarah's life ever taking me deeper in things - I'm so thankful.

The tide comes in and you write like mad and then it goes out and you put the pen down. My journey as a father never stopped when Sarah died, it was moving on into new things. River has become a part of that new thing - and Sarah gives so much meaning to River's life...

After River was born in the morning, I held him one moment that afternoon and as I did I felt this rush of emotion overtake me. I wept holding him. Something deep inside me dislodged and flooded me with grief... and strangely enough, joy as well. I cried and then started laughing all in the same breath. I can't say I've ever felt that type of thing so strongly, or in that way ever! What was tapped in me by holding River was the desire that I have always had to hold Sarah...hold her alive. I never had that. And now I was holding River, who is more like Sarah than anyone else. I felt a connection with her to a new depth that just buckled my heart. The longing in my heart for her found a window to reach through. My heart reached through it without asking me permission. It just went there. I followed it with an outpouring of tears and laughter. I was so happy to hold River! What a dream come true - what a gift, what an absolute miracle! It was a promise fulfilled holding him! It was also touching loss and pain and grief.

It was a cry that was filled with beauty too! It meant so tremendously more now to hold River, who felt like the biggest miracle of all time. He was whole! He was beautiful! Everything seemed to be the way you would hope it to be! That's why Sarah gives so much meaning to Rivers life, and that's why that moment was so eternal and so beautiful. It was like I was holding her too for the first time, feeling the warmth of what her body would have felt like, feeling her fragile frame kick and move as she would have rested in my hands. It was all too much in the most wonderful way. I couldn't talk. I had to whisper to tell Jen and her parents what I was feeling. They soon were crying too.

It was a loving exchange with Jesus in the place of my deep heart where Sarah had broken it. In that place of loss, River was being laid in my arms by the Father. River is not to take the place of Sarah of course, but he was being given to me in the same place, where the wound was suffered. Wherever we face loss, Jesus is wanting and willing to make an exchange with us. He has something to give in its place. It's an exchange in the place of pain, or hurt or loss - where we are broken - "beauty for ashes". He came, as He has many times in this journey with Sarah, to bring more healing, more love, more goodness, more care, more beauty, more life - so that the ashes we still hold may be exchanged for "Rivers".

The Bible always talks about how rivers, or pools, or water will come to the desert places - the wastelands or wildernesses in our lives. I can not emphasize enough how true this reality is to us right now - it's overwhelming!!!! What I'm saying is: God is good! He is faithful! He is really, really, really kind and loving! River is his response to our loss. So cool!

How cool? Even before Sarah was born Jen had three dreams about Sarah, followed by two dreams about a little boy. In the dream, Jen was giving birth to a little boy while having the book of James opened up in her lap. She birthed the boy through the book of James. When she lifted him up, his name was River James Dalton. Book of James... interesting huh? God is so previous to everything in our lives. He knows...back then I believe He was already speaking to us, wanting to comfort us with the promise of River. He knew what was going to happen. How kind and thoughtful of Him to start speaking to us years in advance of a difficult season. That's the caring heart of a Father.

I hope I can return to these pages and tell some of the stories of all that's happened with us. A year ago last April (17th) Sarah shot to Heaven in a beam of light! Since then so much has happened. So many cool things. Life has been for me so beautiful, hard in ways, but so amazing - truly! To be honest: maybe the best year and half of my life! I so want to share. I just need time to sit here and do this.

I guess I will be writing more since I felt God wanting me to start another blog: "Conversations with God". Through my work I have the benefit of interacting with Jesus daily on a deep heart level in the lives of so many people, watching him bring healing and restoration to their lives as He talks with them and interacts with the stuff in their hearts and lives. We literally have conversations with God in this setting. So I've been writing them down and I hope to start sharing them soon. They are unbelievably wonderful! The conversations are like unto the book, "The Shack". I'm so excited to share them! They are so encouraging, so real and so raw! They're just out there. But not in a weird way. When you read them, you will know that this is really God speaking with people in profound ways.

HERE is the website if you're interested in what we do.

So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. We love our little "River Boy"! Thank you Father. And we love our Sarah too! How we miss you Sarah... There's so much to say, but for now I'll just end with: There's nothing like the love you feel for your child, especially after you've lost one. Maybe the love we feel for our children is one of closest ways to understand the Father's Love for us. Peace and love to you - Joseph

Note: The picture above was taken in that moment of remembering and rejoicing.

River James Dalton

River James Dalton
Born 7/14/09 @ 7:14am
6lbs 8oz - 20inches

More to come later when we catch up on sleep!!

Still waiting...

3 days until our official due date - July 16th - and no sign of our River yet! We've had several "false alarms"...going into some early labor but then having it calm down again after several hours. We're all so surprised that it hasn't happened yet...but God knows the perfect timing, so we're just patiently waiting on that. Our last appointment, the doctor was sure she'd see me in the hospital within the next 48 hours. His head is dropped as low as it can go and I was about 2cm dilated...but alas...he's decided to hang out and get those cheeks a little chubbier before he joins us. We're okay with that! We've "been there, done that" with the whole inducing thing last pregnancy. It was obviously for different reasons we had to do it - a minor detail like saving my uterus - but I still know what it is like and don't want to go down that path again. We're opting out for as natural as we can go. Hopefully laboring at home as long as possible and then heading to the hospital for the last leg of the River journey.

I hope you all hear from us soon!! Thanks for all the prayer...wish we had more to tell you, but we're just trying to live life normal and not put too much pressure on the little guy to come out. It'll happen when its time. My parents surprised us and came out as well...so that's been a good distraction! Nice having them around :)

Stay tuned...news of a River coming SOON! (we hope)

Thinking of Sarah today...

Listen to this song...and remember her with us today...



Happy 4th of July! Maybe River will decide to grace us with his presence today...

Dreaming of a River...

Waiting on our River...