Learning to trust

(Above are my parents, little sister Mali and Joseph and I at Mali's college graduation! It's the closest thing I have to a pregnancy picture at this point (32 weeks)...more to come later)

Pregnancy has been quite the journey for me. It has required a walk of faith that I've never had to endure before. As of today, I've been pregnant 16.5 out of the last 20 months of my life. Wow. I can honestly say its been a journey of learning to trust every single day. Walking through life with Sarah was an incredible gift, but also such a stretch for my heart and faith. I grew so much during those months of fighting for her life. I was constantly having to check myself...make sure I wasn't giving into fear or feelings of failure. There were days when she wouldn't move at all, challenging me to trust her into God's hands over and over again. It's amazing how responsible you feel as the mother carrying the child. I felt a sort of helplessness - there was nothing I could do to ensure her health or life. I would cry my eyes out asking for peace and rest for my heart...needing God more desperately than any other time in my life. In the end, we were given the gift of a journey we wouldn't trade for anything...but the aftershocks of that season have been showing their ugly face again more recently.

For those of you who have lost a child...I'm assuming you've experienced similar "aftershocks". I've had to fight fear and worry - even on days when I'm full of joy and laughter. If our little guy is more quiet than usual (not moving as much), my mind immediately goes back to the days with Sarah and I find myself in a battle of the mind. I have to stop what I'm doing, close my eyes and make a conscious effort to stay in peace and rest - trusting that God is in control.

Two weeks ago presented the obstacle of visiting the hospital again. The last time we were there, my body had gone into early labor and we showed up only to find that our little girl had died. This time around, the same thing happened - I went into early labor, the doc made us go to the hospital to get monitored...and thankfully, it had a different outcome. A healthy heartbeat and a kicking little boy who didn't like getting monitored. It felt so good to hear that heartbeat - but definitely stirred up all kinds of emotions and fears and required a lot of trust. I'm glad its a hurdle we've crossed...but in some ways I am ready for a normal pregnancy (if there is such a thing!).

The last few days have been a real challenge as well. River hasn't been moving as rapidly and as strong as usual...which I'm sure is normal as women get closer to their due date...but because of our last pregnancy, it immediately sends me into a place of worry that I have to battle my way out of. Today was the icing on the cake. Each doctor's appointment I go to, we always place bets on how much weight I've gained. My last appointment was 2 weeks ago and everyone was guessing around 2lbs. So...I get to the doctor, climb up on the scale and find that I've actually LOST 2 1/2 lbs. What!? I've been eating the same. Living life the same. Okay...I kept my heart at peace and stayed in a place of rest while waiting for the doctor. River's heart beat sounded great - as healthy as ever - but when she measured my uterus, it was measuring small too. Great. Sooo...all that has led to another trip to good ol' Dr. Soffici where I have to get another ultra sound to make sure he's growing okay. My initial reaction looked something like this: fear. what am i doing wrong? peace. everything will be okay. worry. what if i lose another child? pressure. am i not a good mom? peace. everything will be okay. fear again. etc etc etc. In the end, I came up with a hundred reasons why my uterus is measuring small and why I've lost weight. Even my doctor said it could be as simple as my height...I'm 5'10"...so maybe I just carry smaller because he has such a big space to grow in.

I don't know. I'm kind of over trying to figure it out. From now until Friday (when I get the ultra sound) I need to just continue in this journey of trust. There really is nothing I can do to ensure we deliver a healthy, perfect little boy into our arms in the next several weeks. Only God is in control of that. Overall its been such a beautiful and joyful journey...just the last few weeks have spun me out in a bit of an emotional/hormonal/dizzying spin of worry. I guess I'm just sharing all this so that if there are others out there who have walked through something similar - you know you're not alone. It's normal to have these fears and worries come up. I think its normal to feel protective and responsible for the life within you....and I'm longing for it to be normal to fall into the loving and peaceful arms of God the Father in the midst of it all.

I'll let you know how Friday goes. If anything...it'll be nice to get another look inside at this cute little guy :) Maybe I'll have some pictures to post. ALSO...I have my first ever baby shower this Saturday - so I'm sure I'll have lots of pictures and stories to share from that! Stay tuned :) Thanks for reading...I love knowing I have support out there.