Transition and Song :)

For those of you who know me well...you know that I've been in a a bit of a "desert" season for the last 3 years or so. So much has changed and shifted and been stripped away...I've cried more in these last 3 years than I probably have cried in my entire life put together! It's a long story and full of many ups and downs (which I'd be happy to share with you some day over a cup of coffee sitting on my porch - if only I wasn't in denial about my allergy to coffee - okay, tea!). Some of it was circumstantial (losing our daughter), but most of it was not...it was just God moving in and through my heart in a way that was desperately needed. Joseph has been an absolute life saver in the midst of it all...I'm thankful that God waited for such a time as this to allow me to wander through this desert with Joseph by my side - I honestly don't think I would have made it through to the other side without him!

All that to say - our sweet little boy has been a huge source of joy and life the last several months...living up to his name already! I guess I haven't shared with you his name yet! I had a few intense dreams back when I was still pregnant with Sarah. In the dream, I was giving birth to a beautiful, healthy little boy! This next part is a bit of an odd visual, but I had the Bible opened up between my legs to the book of James and I was literally pushing/delivering him through the book of James and into our arms :) What a dream, huh? In the dream, I heard the voice of God tell me that our little boy's name was River James Dalton. I've literally been given a River in the desert (Isaiah 43:19, "Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert."). The name James is also being lived out - "to take the place of" - which in this case, he has literally been taking the place of the pain, sorrow, deep sadness I've experienced in losing Sarah and my motherhood. He has been a true River of joy and peace in my belly...

A few weeks ago there was a visitor at church who played a song that totally wrecked me. I haven't really been moved by music in the last 3 years (serious desert!), but when this man started playing "How He Loves Us" I was totally undone. I can't remember if I blogged about it in an earlier entry...but I was doing great during the whole service, then at the end when this guy started playing the song, my heart broke and the mourning of Sarah was so fresh and real again. As I looked around me, there were literally about 8-10 little girls on all sides of me...some infants, some toddlers, but it didn't matter...the sadness came back like a tidal wave and I so badly wanted our little Sarah in my arms. I wanted to be the one holding our little girl. She should have been the one dressed up cute in the back row with little pink bows in her hair. It wrecked me. I know that mourning will be a life long process, so I'm thankful for little waves that God allows to wash over me ever so often...it reminds me that I'm human, that I'm weak and vulnerable and that only by His grace am I still standing in joy and peace.

I mention all this because a few days ago I heard the same song again. Something about this song kept washing over me and taking me to the core of my heart, my pain, my joy...I decided to look it up on You Tube and see who it was that wrote the song. I was amazed to listen to the story behind it and learn that the song was written for a friend who died...a friend whom this man missed terribly. A friend whose life was taken early, but with such great purpose. I like to believe this song is filled with Sarah's life too....maybe that's why it so moves my heart.

Here's the link to the video where the writer of the song shares his story...I'll attach another link below it with a version done by Kim Walker that I absolutely LOVE. I hope God moves in you as He did through me....enjoy :)

- John Mark McMillan's story about the song
- Kim Walker's version (love this one!)

23 weeks and counting...

A week shy of the 6th month mark and I'm definitely showing! I think its a combo of this being my second pregnancy (muscles are already used to pregnancy mode and don't have to be stretched out again) and the fact that I'm not throwing up everything I eat like the last pregnancy. It's definitely been a different journey with this little guy - I can hardly wait to have him in my arms - feels like July is ages away!

We set up the crib this last week and I can hardly stop looking at it :) It's something we didn't get to do with Sarah and having it set up is making the whole pregnancy that much more real. God willing, we get to take a baby home with us this time around!! The combination of my uncontrollable excitement with a bit of OCD when it comes to keeping a clean and organized house is definitely leading to a "prepared" nursery :) We're actually keeping everything to a bare minimum, as I'm a firm believer in simplicity...so many toys, products, etc are marketed to the baby world without there being a real need for the product. So we're sticking to the basics and we'll wing it from there.

Overall, Joseph and I are doing really well. The sadness and mourning that I thought would never lift from my heart, has definitely made itself more scarce this last month or so. I find myself overwhelmed with joy and laughter - enjoying things I haven't been able to enjoy for months now. It's been 11 months since Sarah passed and in some ways it feels like just yesterday. I'm so thankful for the journey we've been on...for the gift of our sweet little girl...and the light that I'm beginning to feel/see at the end of the tunnel :)

Not the most exciting blog entry, but I thought I'd fill you in on my belly/crib/baby excitement anyway! :)