Days have passed...

It's been 6 weeks since I walked out of Cottage Hospital and straight into the face of grief. 6 weeks since my body shrunk and left behind a beautiful sleeping child in the hands of her Creator. Days have passed...and are still passing...

I'm not sure where to start, but I wanted to share with you how Joseph and I are holding up since the passing of our precious Sarah Elizabeth. Joseph has definitely worn the pain a lot more gracefully than I can admit to...but I know also that he didn't have the experience of carrying Sarah and connecting with her every hour of every day. The grief is real and the loss is tangible, but his heart is grateful and his eyes full of life. For me, on the other hand...let's just say that if I had been given the task of writing updates on this blog, well, they wouldn't have washed over you quite as nicely as Joseph's words did. Don't get me wrong...my heart said "yes" to every word he wrote. I'm thankful for the way he positioned his heart. It allowed all of us to join in the journey that God had so evidently orchestrated. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it had been my hands writing the updates...it would have looked more like a chaotic combination of instruments rather than a peaceful river of music.

So how are we now? Well...it depends on the day, the hour and often even the minute that you may ask. Some days I'm filled with joy and thankfulness, others I give life my best effort and may only get to the end of our driveway before turning around and deciding I'm not ready to face the world. Every car seat and stroller, pregnant woman and baby girl seem to pull the plug on my never ending tears...it seems that everything around me reminds me of Sarah and the loss of my motherhood. I know that we will have healthy children when the time comes to get pregnant again...but the reality is that I wanted my beautiful little girl in my arms NOW, not someday when I make my way into life after death. I had spent 9 months preparing my heart, my mind, my emotions and even my home for this sweet little girl to be joining our family. 9 months passed and instead of giving birth to a healthy little girl like we had dreamed and hoped and prayed for...I gave birth to silence. And that silence seems to be what I'm fighting the most in this sadness. My home, even though she never was here, seems to be so silent with her laughter and cries missing. It's a silence that no music can fill...a void that seems to be a sort of endless pit.

I have hope.

Although my arms are empty and my heart full of pain and loss, I know that my little girl is in the best possible place we could ask for as her parents. I know that God is good and that in the midst of all of this, His character and His incredible destiny for us has not been shaken or moved. I know that there are people going through pain and grief so similar to mine every day of every year...

Yet all that "knowing" still doesn't erase what I'm feeling. So...I'm learning to be real. I'm learning that its okay to "not be okay". I'm learning that for once, I don't have to be strong or spiritual about all of this...but that I can sit back and rest and cry and take the time I need to breathe through all that's needing to be processed. I have a husband that is incredibly patient and loving and family and friends who I know are praying and loving me the best they know how. I'm so thankful for all of that. I'm so grateful to "know" and have a foundation with God that has allowed me to ask the hard questions and look into the pain without ignoring the truth of how wonderful our Father truly is.

I wanted to let you all know that we are well. It has been hard (that may be an understatement), but it has also been beautiful and surprisingly special. I'm thankful that God chose us to walk through Sarah's 9 months of life with her...I have so much to learn from her. Although to some, she seems like only a passing wind, I know that Sarah will be a part of our lives forever. She will forever be our daughter and we will forever be her mom and dad.

Thanks again for all the prayers and support that continue to come our way...all the flowers and cards and meals. You all have been such an encouragement to Joseph and I. Thank you.

We are hoping to continue to update The Sarah Pages as time goes on...so check back every once in a while to see if we've taken the time to write again :) We have loved sharing in this journey with all of you and hope to continue to share with you in all that's to come...

With a thankful heart,

Jen (and Joseph)