Field of dreams....

I just woke up from an eventful night of "sleeping". Eventful because I had wild and colorful dreams. "Sleeping", not sleeping, because I have a crazy-strong little boy inside my belly who kicks like there is no tomorrow. Not only are his kicks so strong that they throw off my sense of balance (not joking), but I also start getting sick to my stomach as if I'm on the world's loopiest roller-coaster ride ever! I used to think Sarah was a strong kicker...but I guess I didn't have another pregnancy/child to compare it to. My gosh River - try aiming for my intestines or kidneys or bladder or anything, but have mercy on my poor ribs!

Now back to the dream. Nights filled with wild and colorful dreams are pretty common for me...but nights filled with wild and colorful dreams that speak to my heart of hope are not an everyday occurrence. I woke up this morning feeling as if I had been kissed by the sun itself :)

The dream...

The setting was a beautiful farm with rolling hills. All of the land was covered in healthy and vibrant looking crops like corn, wheat, all kinds of veggies and mature fruit trees in abundance. It was a beautiful scene. The interesting part is that the entire dream (which felt like it spanned over a few weeks) took place at sunset. The sun wasn't setting...it was permanently in the sunset position with warm colors filling the sky and reflecting on the already breath taking crops.

The next thing I know, my heart is taken from a place of ecstasy to a place of mourning and heartache. Without it having to be spoken, I was aware that God's presence had departed from me and that I would no longer walk the fields of this farm/harvest with Him. Without any hesitation, I knew what needed to be done. I got out all the tractors and began plowing the healthy and abundant fields of this farm down to nothing. I drove over all the crops, tore out fruit trees from their roots and destroyed the lush vegetables waiting to be harvested. The field went from a place of love and abundance to rolling hills of soil with nothing growing anymore. My heart was so broken, yet I knew it was what needed to be done. Nothing mattered, not even a field full of crops ready to be harvested, without God's presence there. The interesting part is that He departed from me. He literally up and left. (All of this happening still at the moment of sunset).

After the ground was down to just soil, I left the field and went into a structure I had on the property where I began to cook a meal to "celebrate" the mourning and loss of His presence. It was odd - because I was broken and sad, yet knew it was a good thing so I chose to celebrate by preparing food. There were others around during the entire dream, but they were mere spectators at best. After preparing the meal, I went outside to the field once again and suddenly felt the need to water the soil. Although His presence had really only been gone a fraction of time (especially since the position of the sun didn't change the entire dream), it felt like an eternity had passed. Even though I knew I had sprinkler systems spread throughout the fields, I grabbed a basic garden hose and began to water the empty soil. There were random people laying face down in the dirt crying and mourning my loss, but it didn't seem to faze me - I just sprayed the water right on top of them (funny visual!). It didn't matter that the soil had been stripped of everything...I had this underlying hope that kept me watering the ground until it was almost flooded.

Within minutes of watering, little green sprouts began to shoot up out of the ground. It was like a scene from the show Planet Earth where they show time lapsed growth of plants, yet this fast growth was happening at regular speed/time. Green plants began to shoot up wherever I had watered...so I made my way (by hand) around the entire property and drenched the ground. As the plants began to sprout, I made my way back into the structure where I had prepared the food and I sat down to eat. My hope was slowly being restored. Within minutes of eating, I looked out the window to my left and saw the most unbelievable, panoramic scene. What used to be an empty field of soil was now a field of "perfectly in bloom" flowers of every species. Up on the hill were gladiolas (my mother's favorite) and closest to me were the most mature rose bushes exploding with perfectly opened roses of every color and scent. I ran outside and fell to my knees by the roses...the ground still saturated with water...and I began to weep.

I wept tears of thankfulness. Tears of hope and restoration. Tears of joy and solace. What I had once known was gone...but He had supernaturally replaced it with something new, something beautiful, something I never could have planted/grown on my own. Rather than being a practical field of food - it had turned into a field of thankfulness. A place to come and sit, rest, reflect...a place to breathe in the smells and the colors of grace. I stayed there with my knees drenched and my face and hands full of wet soil...crying out tears of thankfulness....for hope had finally been restored.

Remembering Sarah

This past Friday (April 17, 2009) marked what would have been Sarah's 1st Birthday. It also marked Joseph's birthday - a day that passed without any recognition last year because of the painful circumstances surrounding Sarah's birth/death. So, for the last month I've been dreaming up ways to make this birthday special for him - after all the attention and care he's given me over the last year of healing, he deserved a day set aside for him!

We got up early Friday morning and loaded up the VW for a weekend adventure up in the Eastern Sierras. I wondered how I would feel that morning. So many sad and painful memories are now linked to his birthday, so I didn't know what to expect of my heart that day. By God's grace I woke up with such joy and anticipation for the weekend. About an hour into the drive I surprised Joseph with a small gift for him to open. I wanted to wait and open it when we got into the heart of the mountains, but he was so excited we couldn't put it off any longer :) The surprise was two tickets to the U2 concert at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena October 25th!! He's always wanted to see Bono live and it just so happens that they're touring this year for the first time in a while. Tickets sold out shortly after the ticket boxes opened up, but I was fortunate to remember (especially with my preggo brain!) and get us a couple tickets before they were all out. Joseph was speechless...he cried...he definitely wasn't expecting it. I love blessing him. I love making him feel special and set apart. He so deserves that...

The trip was magical. We camped out at a hot spring the first night...with no one else in sight, no city lights, no distractions...we laid back in the warm pool and watched the dark sky light up with stars. Its a night I won't soon forget. Before we went to bed, I made Joseph close his eyes while I prepared one last surprise. Two chocolate cupcakes - one with a pink candle and the other with a blue candle - one for Joseph and one for Sarah. The visual was almost too much for my heart. We should have had her with us. We should have been watching her stuff her face with chocolate and then get cranky a little later from her rare encounter with refined sugar. It was a hard reality...a look straight in the face of loss. Joseph and I both cried and embraced before blowing out the candles and enjoying the treat. What a day.

The next two days were equally magical. We hiked up to a beautiful frozen lake surrounded by the majestic Sierras. We camped that night in the middle of a field of sage, drowning in the smell and the silence of the air around us. We both felt so embraced by God. By each other. We also managed to hike our way up a stunning river canyon just before we hit the road for the journey back...I love adventure.

Yesterday Joseph was back to his crazy/busy schedule and my heart was left missing him after 3 days of solid, uninterrupted time together. I didn't realize the reality of my heart until I crawled into bed last night. The weekend came and left in what felt like a blink of an eye and my heart spent no time grieving or remembering or reflecting on the loss of our sweet Sarah. It was like a rushing waterfall was released and the emotions of my heart came flooding out of my mouth and eyes and soul as Joseph and I held each other in bed. I didn't know I needed that. I didn't know I had expectations and dreams for her day. I was so caught up in making it special for Joseph, that I didn't stop to think what might be healthy for my/our hearts regarding Sarah. It's not that I wanted to dwell on the pain or anything like that - I simply wanted to remember. I wanted others to remember. But they didn't.

I received one card. A bouquet of flowers and card from another friend. A text from a dear family friend. My parents were so sweet to send a bouquet of small pink roses...I couldn't help but cry my eyes out when I saw them being delivered. To have someone else (someone other than me who carried her) remember was so healing. Someone else remembered. They remembered that she was actually a living, breathing creature that had life and a giving heart within her. They remembered the excruciating pain my physical body went through that day - pushing and laboring out our precious, lifeless little girl. They remembered what it was like for our hearts to finally realize that the journey fighting for her life was over - the crushing blow to our spirits and the horrific feeling of leaving the hospital with empty arms. I guess I expected to come home from the long weekend away with my mailbox full of cards, my mantle full of blooming flowers and my email in-box filled with kind words....but none of that happened. 3 people remembered. I didn't realize until last night how much that hurt my heart...

Even though my heart was expecting so much - my head knew that the reality was different. How can I expect people to remember? It's unfair. I mean, how many deaths and losses have other people experienced where I've missed "remembering" with them?! How many people lose loved ones to disease and accidents everyday without anyone knowing or reflecting? I'd be a hypocrite to hold any judgment...yet to be honest with my heart, I knew I still needed that. I needed others to remember. I realize now (even more) how important community is. How important it is to walk with others through pain and trials. I don't want to miss that chance with others...its too important and life is too short.

All this to say, I wanted to express what my heart was breathing out this morning. The beauty, the serenity, the love...and the reality of pain and loss and a life quickly forgotten. Thankfully...she will always live on in our spirits. She will always be our first born daughter - our Sarah Elizabeth. Not a day goes by where I don't remember her...and that's all that matters. I so appreciate all of you...forgive me for not walking closer to you in your losses and grief. Life is short and its fortunately not all about me.......

Pregnancy brain has officially arrived...

Okay, so hopefully my profile is a bit cuter than Homer Simpson's...but nevertheless, you get the idea. My brain feels as if its slowly shrinking into a world of nothingness (is that a word?). I thought I was in the clear this time around, because our pregnancy with Sarah looked like the above photo the ENTIRE pregnancy! I would make lists to remember things and then forget about the lists. That's how bad it was. Joseph would do his best to bite his tongue when he came home from a long day of work to find that the 3 small things he asked me to do - would of course be left undone. Now hear me out. Part of that was due to my intimate relationship with the toilet. Yes, the toilet and I got very close last pregnancy. He often left for work as I was on the floor puking my brains out (maybe that's why our brains shrink!?) and then would find me in the same position when he came home 8hrs later. Oh the joy of 9 months of "morning" sickness. Ugh. This pregnancy has been different though...little throwing up has led (according to my new theory) to actually keeping my brains a bit longer! Ha.

So I'm officially in the third trimester now. Time flies when you're keeping your food in! 2/3rds of the way through...gosh, who would have thought! Last year at this time I was still carrying our sweet Sarah...next Friday is her 1 year birthday, its really hard to believe its been a year already. So much has happened in the last year. What's even crazier is that at the end of this pregnancy, I will have officially been pregnant 20 out of the last 24 months. That's insane. My poor body!! One positive aspect is that I'm not afraid of giving birth this time around. Nothing could be as painful and heartbreaking as the birth process last time around...all that pain and trauma and drawn out emotions...whew...I'll be happy to experience all the birth pain this time around with the final outcome a crying, chubby cheeked little guy. I can hardly wait. :)

So back to my original entry theme...pregnancy brain...see, I can't even write about it without getting side tracked and forgetting what I'm writing about! Just a few pregnancy brain (or as my friend put it: PIS - pregnancy induced stupidity) stories from the last week...

- Making dinner last week, I put the rice in the rice cooker like always and heard the "ding" indicating it was done waaaay faster than usual. My first thought was, wow...time really IS flying by! I discovered quickly that the rice actually was done....over done...because I had conveniently forgot to put the water in with it. I had prepared nicely heated and burnt smelling rice kernels ready for crunching on :)

- I planted some seeds last week in order to get some "starters" ready for spring planting. Lettuce, herbs, tomatoes...I can hardly wait...although I'll have to wait a little longer than normal because I planted the seeds and forgot a vital part of the process - water. They sat in nicely sunned soil for a good 3 or 4 days before I realized they weren't sprouting due to a lack of...ahem...water. Man, what's with me and water!?

- That reminds me....I've boiled water (again!?) on the stove at least 3 times, totally forgetting that I was boiling water. Come to find out later (after the water has all evaporated), that a little moisture in the air is actually great for my current allergy battle. Those were good "forgettings".

- There are so many more stories...but maybe one of the best was last night. I usually try and have dinner ready for Joseph every night when he gets home from work because he's always famished. If dinner isn't ready, our pantry doors will fly open and he'll start devouring anything and everything in sight until his belly is soon full of saltine crackers, corn chips and cereal. All very nutritious choices. :) Back to the story...last night he walked in the door to a wonderful house full of "baking" smells...he was so excited to see what it was I had created for dinner because again, he was starving! I was so proud to hand over a few dozen of his favorite oatmeal cookies...when he asked, "Wait, but what's for dinner?", I was a bit stunned...I had been so caught up in the after dinner dessert that I had altogether forgotten dinner itself! Gosh, at least that one didn't have to do with water...or did it?

- Okay...this last one is in honor of all those husbands living out the "sympathy pregnancy" symptoms. My husband has officially left the car keys to our beloved VW Vanagon in - yes, you guessed it - the ignition. Not once, not twice, but at least 4 times in the last couple months. Yesterday I was stuck at home because of these so called "lost keys". If only I didn't have pregnancy brain with him, or I would have remembered this bad little habit of his. I'm just thankful no one else has caught on to his bad habit or we may be absent of a very cool van :)

That's it for now. Third trimester here I come! If you think about us...pray that our (yes, Joseph too!) brains would begin to grow rather than shrink...otherwise we may forget we're pregnant all together!

Transition and Song :)

For those of you who know me well...you know that I've been in a a bit of a "desert" season for the last 3 years or so. So much has changed and shifted and been stripped away...I've cried more in these last 3 years than I probably have cried in my entire life put together! It's a long story and full of many ups and downs (which I'd be happy to share with you some day over a cup of coffee sitting on my porch - if only I wasn't in denial about my allergy to coffee - okay, tea!). Some of it was circumstantial (losing our daughter), but most of it was not...it was just God moving in and through my heart in a way that was desperately needed. Joseph has been an absolute life saver in the midst of it all...I'm thankful that God waited for such a time as this to allow me to wander through this desert with Joseph by my side - I honestly don't think I would have made it through to the other side without him!

All that to say - our sweet little boy has been a huge source of joy and life the last several months...living up to his name already! I guess I haven't shared with you his name yet! I had a few intense dreams back when I was still pregnant with Sarah. In the dream, I was giving birth to a beautiful, healthy little boy! This next part is a bit of an odd visual, but I had the Bible opened up between my legs to the book of James and I was literally pushing/delivering him through the book of James and into our arms :) What a dream, huh? In the dream, I heard the voice of God tell me that our little boy's name was River James Dalton. I've literally been given a River in the desert (Isaiah 43:19, "Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert."). The name James is also being lived out - "to take the place of" - which in this case, he has literally been taking the place of the pain, sorrow, deep sadness I've experienced in losing Sarah and my motherhood. He has been a true River of joy and peace in my belly...

A few weeks ago there was a visitor at church who played a song that totally wrecked me. I haven't really been moved by music in the last 3 years (serious desert!), but when this man started playing "How He Loves Us" I was totally undone. I can't remember if I blogged about it in an earlier entry...but I was doing great during the whole service, then at the end when this guy started playing the song, my heart broke and the mourning of Sarah was so fresh and real again. As I looked around me, there were literally about 8-10 little girls on all sides of me...some infants, some toddlers, but it didn't matter...the sadness came back like a tidal wave and I so badly wanted our little Sarah in my arms. I wanted to be the one holding our little girl. She should have been the one dressed up cute in the back row with little pink bows in her hair. It wrecked me. I know that mourning will be a life long process, so I'm thankful for little waves that God allows to wash over me ever so often...it reminds me that I'm human, that I'm weak and vulnerable and that only by His grace am I still standing in joy and peace.

I mention all this because a few days ago I heard the same song again. Something about this song kept washing over me and taking me to the core of my heart, my pain, my joy...I decided to look it up on You Tube and see who it was that wrote the song. I was amazed to listen to the story behind it and learn that the song was written for a friend who died...a friend whom this man missed terribly. A friend whose life was taken early, but with such great purpose. I like to believe this song is filled with Sarah's life too....maybe that's why it so moves my heart.

Here's the link to the video where the writer of the song shares his story...I'll attach another link below it with a version done by Kim Walker that I absolutely LOVE. I hope God moves in you as He did through me....enjoy :)

- John Mark McMillan's story about the song
- Kim Walker's version (love this one!)

23 weeks and counting...

A week shy of the 6th month mark and I'm definitely showing! I think its a combo of this being my second pregnancy (muscles are already used to pregnancy mode and don't have to be stretched out again) and the fact that I'm not throwing up everything I eat like the last pregnancy. It's definitely been a different journey with this little guy - I can hardly wait to have him in my arms - feels like July is ages away!

We set up the crib this last week and I can hardly stop looking at it :) It's something we didn't get to do with Sarah and having it set up is making the whole pregnancy that much more real. God willing, we get to take a baby home with us this time around!! The combination of my uncontrollable excitement with a bit of OCD when it comes to keeping a clean and organized house is definitely leading to a "prepared" nursery :) We're actually keeping everything to a bare minimum, as I'm a firm believer in simplicity...so many toys, products, etc are marketed to the baby world without there being a real need for the product. So we're sticking to the basics and we'll wing it from there.

Overall, Joseph and I are doing really well. The sadness and mourning that I thought would never lift from my heart, has definitely made itself more scarce this last month or so. I find myself overwhelmed with joy and laughter - enjoying things I haven't been able to enjoy for months now. It's been 11 months since Sarah passed and in some ways it feels like just yesterday. I'm so thankful for the journey we've been on...for the gift of our sweet little girl...and the light that I'm beginning to feel/see at the end of the tunnel :)

Not the most exciting blog entry, but I thought I'd fill you in on my belly/crib/baby excitement anyway! :)

Healthy, Perfect little BOY!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the prayers and support today! I felt crazy nerves all morning leading up to the appointment, but as soon as we parked and got out of the car - all the nerves left and I was totally at peace. The appointment was 100% different than last time. Everything out of his mouth was great news...he kept saying "perfect" as he scanned our sweet little boy head to toe. He's 11 inches long already and looks like he's going to be a lanky one :) Long arms and legs. We hardly got any good photos because he wouldn't sit still long enough to snap a picture! We do have one sweet profile picture of his face in 3D...I'll try to upload it sometime soon.

We are soooooo thankful. I feel like we jumped a HUGE hurdle today in this journey of healing. What a blessing to have a healthy little boy on the way. I can hardly wait for July to get here....

Thanks again for all the prayers....couldn't have done it without you!! Woooohoooo!! Time to celebrate :)

Learning to Grieve

(picture taken from Associated Press)

I'll never forget moments living overseas where I've experienced other cultures grieving the loss of loved ones. During one stint in South Africa, I lost my Grandfather to a quick battle with cancer. It was devastating, but he had lived a long life and had lost his wife only months before to the same deadly disease...so if I can even assume such a thing, I think he was ready. No matter the timing of death, it is always tragic and a loss to those left behind. My dear friend from Kenya (Chep) wrapped her arms around me after finding out the news of my Grandfather and she began to weep with me. Chep was so concerned that I wasn't taking the time I needed to mourn and grieve the loss. In her tribe in Kenya, families from miles away tear their clothes and walk to the home of the mourning family with gifts of food and drink. People will literally stop everything in order to join this mourning feast. They will eat and cry and sleep and eat and cry some more...this can last up to a month before they assume "living" again.

As Westerners, I feel like we often dust mourning under the rug because of its inconvenience and discomfort to our daily lives. It's not always convenient to not go to work...and half the time we don't have the luxury of stopping work anyway. We also just don't know how to mourn. I personally never experienced death until I was 24 years old and lost my grandparents. I didn't know what to do, or what was appropriate.

All this to say...losing Sarah has been an extreme learning curve!!

It's been 10 months since I gave birth to Sarah. I've definitely struggled with my grieving "time line", not knowing how long it will or should last. Lately, I feel as if I can go days and days without feeling a hint of the deep sadness that came with her death. However, the grieving has definitely come in waves. It's felt a bit like a roller coaster, with each drop into sadness being a bit easier to handle. This last week I experienced another wave of grieving that felt different from the rest. I was at church and was actually having a really good day. The last 15 minutes of the service the kids came flooding back into the sanctuary after kids church and I suddenly found myself surrounded by little girls. It wasn't just one or two, but literally about 8 beautiful little girls ranging in age from 4 months to 4 years. Something in me broke and the tears came like a flood...I was missing my little girl. The girl I never had the chance to wrap in pink or dress with cute bows in her hair. I felt a sudden jealousy (I think in a healthy way), wishing that things had turned out differently and that one of those little girls was mine. I've learned that "wishing" doesn't lead to much change...so it quickly passed, but the sadness stayed with me for about a week. I'm not kidding - driving down the street and seeing little girls walking on the sidewalk would send me into a river of tears right behind the steering wheel.

It's okay. I know that. I think I just feel the pressure of our Western world often telling me to "get over it" and "move on". I can honestly say, I know I'll miss my little girl until the day I myself die. It's only natural. And I think its healthy...not to sit in the sadness and pout in the "should haves" and "I deserves"....but to allow the waves to come naturally, without a fight. I've found that by riding these waves, each new wave is a bit easier to cope with. I'm thankful for that.

Today is our 20 week ultra sound with Dr. Soffici. The day has finally come. Thanks for all your prayers and support...I'll post soon to let you know how it goes. Thankfully, my heart is at peace :)