It's been 6 weeks since I walked out of Cottage Hospital and straight into the face of grief. 6 weeks since my body shrunk and left behind a beautiful sleeping child in the hands of her Creator. Days have passed...and are still passing...
I'm not sure where to start, but I wanted to share with you how Joseph and I are holding up since the passing of our precious Sarah Elizabeth. Joseph has definitely worn the pain a lot more gracefully than I can admit to...but I know also that he didn't have the experience of carrying Sarah and connecting with her every hour of every day. The grief is real and the loss is tangible, but his heart is grateful and his eyes full of life. For me, on the other hand...let's just say that if I had been given the task of writing updates on this blog, well, they wouldn't have washed over you quite as nicely as Joseph's words did. Don't get me wrong...my heart said "yes" to every word he wrote. I'm thankful for the way he positioned his heart. It allowed all of us to join in the journey that God had so evidently orchestrated. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it had been my hands writing the updates...it would have looked more like a chaotic combination of instruments rather than a peaceful river of music.
So how are we now? Well...it depends on the day, the hour and often even the minute that you may ask. Some days I'm filled with joy and thankfulness, others I give life my best effort and may only get to the end of our driveway before turning around and deciding I'm not ready to face the world. Every car seat and stroller, pregnant woman and baby girl seem to pull the plug on my never ending tears...it seems that everything around me reminds me of Sarah and the loss of my motherhood. I know that we will have healthy children when the time comes to get pregnant again...but the reality is that I wanted my beautiful little girl in my arms NOW, not someday when I make my way into life after death. I had spent 9 months preparing my heart, my mind, my emotions and even my home for this sweet little girl to be joining our family. 9 months passed and instead of giving birth to a healthy little girl like we had dreamed and hoped and prayed for...I gave birth to silence. And that silence seems to be what I'm fighting the most in this sadness. My home, even though she never was here, seems to be so silent with her laughter and cries missing. It's a silence that no music can fill...a void that seems to be a sort of endless pit.
I have hope.
Although my arms are empty and my heart full of pain and loss, I know that my little girl is in the best possible place we could ask for as her parents. I know that God is good and that in the midst of all of this, His character and His incredible destiny for us has not been shaken or moved. I know that there are people going through pain and grief so similar to mine every day of every year...
Yet all that "knowing" still doesn't erase what I'm feeling. So...I'm learning to be real. I'm learning that its okay to "not be okay". I'm learning that for once, I don't have to be strong or spiritual about all of this...but that I can sit back and rest and cry and take the time I need to breathe through all that's needing to be processed. I have a husband that is incredibly patient and loving and family and friends who I know are praying and loving me the best they know how. I'm so thankful for all of that. I'm so grateful to "know" and have a foundation with God that has allowed me to ask the hard questions and look into the pain without ignoring the truth of how wonderful our Father truly is.
I wanted to let you all know that we are well. It has been hard (that may be an understatement), but it has also been beautiful and surprisingly special. I'm thankful that God chose us to walk through Sarah's 9 months of life with her...I have so much to learn from her. Although to some, she seems like only a passing wind, I know that Sarah will be a part of our lives forever. She will forever be our daughter and we will forever be her mom and dad.
Thanks again for all the prayers and support that continue to come our way...all the flowers and cards and meals. You all have been such an encouragement to Joseph and I. Thank you.
We are hoping to continue to update The Sarah Pages as time goes on...so check back every once in a while to see if we've taken the time to write again :) We have loved sharing in this journey with all of you and hope to continue to share with you in all that's to come...
With a thankful heart,
Jen (and Joseph)
Monday, June 2, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
99 Balloons...
An old friend sent a video link to me the other day. It's a short video (6 minutes), but helped bring some much needed healing to my heart. It's a story about another couple who went through a similar journey to Joseph and mine...only this family was graced with 99 days with their little Eliot. Please watch, we really think you'd be as blessed as we were. (thanks to Stone Crandall for recommending it!)
99 Balloons
In case the above link doesn't work...here is the web address: http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons
much love, jen
99 Balloons
In case the above link doesn't work...here is the web address: http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons
much love, jen
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Words From Jen's Journal
"Meditation is old and honorable, so why should I
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, properly
attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion.
Can one be passionate about the just, the ideal, the
sublime, and the holy, and yet commit to no labor
in it's cause? I don't think so.
All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds towards radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of - indolence, or action.
Be ignited, or be gone." - Mary Oliver
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, properly
attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion.
Can one be passionate about the just, the ideal, the
sublime, and the holy, and yet commit to no labor
in it's cause? I don't think so.
All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds towards radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of - indolence, or action.
Be ignited, or be gone." - Mary Oliver
I know there is more to this journey than simply a great tragedy. I know that mixed into the grieving and the pain are laces of humor and joy, romance and love. I can't help but think of my Sarah as a seed of kindness, sown into my womb by Joseph... and developed and nurtured in grace by God. The seed was planted deep within me on my birthday - a gift I will never forget. My state of weakness and silence from my Father left me in a vulnerable seat I called home for the last nine months. Daily Joseph would visit my heart in this seat - carefully tending to the fragile seed within me that we now know to call Sarah. He watered me with his love and encouragement, his affection, his grace and compassion. He spoke to me of the wisdom of God - of the truth that he is so familiar with, because of pain resurrected into joy in the past. Laughter was slowly filling his cup and from it, he poured into me. God spoke to Joseph - Joseph spoke to my heart - and the seed grew.
Sarah was more than a seed, she represented life, joy, courage, endurance, fight, grace and kindness. She represented victory over this consuming world of pain and loss. When i thought she had lived her last day, she'd gently remind me of her presence by a soft blow to the ribs... and sure enough, the water would pour a fresh from Joseph's heart and give me the courage to carry her yet another day. I can honestly say it was never easy. I never felt confident to move forward without the arms of my Joseph carrying me - and the arms of our Father, invisible as they may have seemed, wrapped around the three of us ever so tightly. His touch was never felt. His breath never heard - but His manifestation was made known through my husbands willing ear to hear.
Sarah was a gift on so many different levels - she was a seed of kindness planted in my womb. She was a humble, beautiful heart seen in my husbands sacrificial love and service. She was the invisible voice of God only making itself visible through the words written on the Sarah Pages. She was my grace in the morning - my reason to live. She was a gift immeasurable. I know God's plans far exceed my own - but my aching breasts and my love filled arms already miss the weight of her presence. I can't understand why she's better off next to you in Heaven Father - but I surrender my trust to you - for i really don't have another choice. If I choose anger or frustration, I wouldn't be true to what my heart knows of you. If I choose silence and distance, my heart will grow famished... For now it needs love more than ever. So I choose love - even though it comes with pain and sorrow, grieving and loss. I would be lying to myself and others if I didn't take the time my heart needs to breath out all the pain - all the loss. I've suffered an incredible loss, the loss of my motherhood - and that void will have to sit empty for awhile. Only God knows what's next...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
"running with the wild horses..."
This entry is from an email I received from my friend Joyce in Ontario. I felt it should be shared here. Thanks Joyce!
"Your story of Sarah makes me want to share so much, and maybe I will one day. All I want to say right now is that I feel your journey of running with the wild horses...of running with the river. ..letting its current make you run faster than you would have on your own steam. I feel your abandonment to it, feeling the scrape of the rocks and other things but letting the exhilaration of where you are going pull you along. It's a nervous and adrenalin pumping run, but when you collapse on the bank of the river, you feel the breeze on your wet skin and the throbbing of bruised and beaten up limbs.... and when your heart eventually quiets, you will feel the sun penetrate you and something happening inside. When you are rested and ready, you'll know when it is time to get up and see what happens next. And you'll never doubt that you should have run so full on with the currant. The bruises and the scrapes will be healed. And you will see with the eyes of your heart that it was all worth it. That by opening the door to Sarah, you opened the door to so much more...her decision to come to earth was a fight for others who are not fought for....things will be different for those who do not have a voice, for she stands before the Lord with the voice of authourity, speaking for those other little ones who agreed to come to earth and for their parents who do not open a door for them. things will never be the same here on earth because of Sarah and because of you. In the secret and the quiet place where God is vulnerable and gives Himself and lets part of Himself manifest and grow into a little baby, there is holiness, and there is a healthy fear of the Lord. Sarah fought for that.
Please put this away if it's not good for you. Please forgive me if it's not right. I feel joy and triumph for Sarah and for your spirits. My soul identifies somewhat with your journey of walking to the cross...like Mary who watched her baby walk to his cross, taking her heart with him."
I love you guys from up here in Ontario. Thank you for including me.
your sister and friend
Joyce
"Your story of Sarah makes me want to share so much, and maybe I will one day. All I want to say right now is that I feel your journey of running with the wild horses...of running with the river. ..letting its current make you run faster than you would have on your own steam. I feel your abandonment to it, feeling the scrape of the rocks and other things but letting the exhilaration of where you are going pull you along. It's a nervous and adrenalin pumping run, but when you collapse on the bank of the river, you feel the breeze on your wet skin and the throbbing of bruised and beaten up limbs.... and when your heart eventually quiets, you will feel the sun penetrate you and something happening inside. When you are rested and ready, you'll know when it is time to get up and see what happens next. And you'll never doubt that you should have run so full on with the currant. The bruises and the scrapes will be healed. And you will see with the eyes of your heart that it was all worth it. That by opening the door to Sarah, you opened the door to so much more...her decision to come to earth was a fight for others who are not fought for....things will be different for those who do not have a voice, for she stands before the Lord with the voice of authourity, speaking for those other little ones who agreed to come to earth and for their parents who do not open a door for them. things will never be the same here on earth because of Sarah and because of you. In the secret and the quiet place where God is vulnerable and gives Himself and lets part of Himself manifest and grow into a little baby, there is holiness, and there is a healthy fear of the Lord. Sarah fought for that.
Please put this away if it's not good for you. Please forgive me if it's not right. I feel joy and triumph for Sarah and for your spirits. My soul identifies somewhat with your journey of walking to the cross...like Mary who watched her baby walk to his cross, taking her heart with him."
I love you guys from up here in Ontario. Thank you for including me.
your sister and friend
Joyce
Sunday, April 20, 2008
From us to you (News of Sarah's Passing)
From us to you –
Jen and I wanted to let everyone know what has recently taken place concerning Sarah. A few days ago our time of caring for her came to an end. Sarah is no longer with us. She is now free and enjoying all that God has for her. We are so thankful for that. We are so glad she could go be with Him before ever knowing the kind of pain we feel today. Our loss is so very real. There are no words to describe what this is like. But I can also say the comfort of His love is equally as real and present for us. We don’t have answers to so many things, but having questions isn’t bad. It comes with the territory. Pain and loss is never easy to understand. We are allowing the questions to be present without forcing there to be answers. We are so glad to know she is running free, wide eyed and full of joy. This is comforting to remember when our hands are left empty. We had hoped for and believed in a different outcome to this story, and we are glad we did. It is what gave us hope, and hope is a good thing, it’s sometimes the best of things. Without it we would of withered a long time ago. Instead we had days filled with joy, laughter and the dreams of what might come of us with Sarah. We cannot tell you how much our lives were enriched by her being with us. Each day was a gift. And like it is when you lose a son or a daughter, the loss is overwhelming… It’s hard not to be undone. We feel the loss today but it’s only because we loved, and loving is never wrong. We knew there was only one bridge to life for Sarah for her to finally be with us. We knew that bridge would be one of miracles. It was a long shot, but there was no other way for us to go. We were entrusted with her to give her the best possible chance at life. We feel we’ve done that to the best of our ability. So we don’t feel any regret. Instead we truly feel the pleasure of God over us for caring for her life in the way it feels He wanted us to. Life is hard sometimes and circumstances can feel unfair. We know what that’s like… we just want people to know that you can face anything with God next to you. It’s not to say you won’t feel pain, because you will, it’s just you won’t be alone in it, and you won’t stay broken and shattered when it’s all over. He will stay with you… He will come… and He will heal all that hurts, and then He will show you there is life after the ashes. We are in the midst of this right now.
God saw that there was a better way for this to end, or you could say, carry on. We are yet to understand all the ways in which this was the better way… but we will soon enough, and if not, that’s okay too. It won’t change what we know to be true. God is good… He is faithful and loving – perfectly loving. And in this situation it was and is so evident, and so very true that He is all those things. He has done great things. If we had the time and the energy, we could tell you story after story of His perfect love in this situation. Some day maybe we will.
For us this journey carries on. It carries on for all of us. So many of you stood with us. You have no idea how much this has meant to us. We weep with thankfulness over your hearts for us and for Sarah. We want you to know you have touched us deeply with your many acts of kindness and love. All of you who prayed and wept with us, who laughed and celebrated our victory over death, who carried us in the bosom of your hearts… you are our treasures, our lights in the darkness as we walked through this valley. Our debt to you is beyond repaying. Please know it didn’t go unnoticed, not by us, and certainly not by God who sees in secret. Your hearts are beautiful to us and we only wish to be there for you in the same way you’ve been here for us. We are eternally grateful to you – We so want to say thank you. Thank you a thousand times for lifting us up when all we could do was lay down and surrender. Heaven touched our hearts on countless days and we know it was you who opened the window to let in the cool breeze. If we could compare you to anything we would say you are like the sunshine after the rain. You refreshed our hearts and gave us of your own faith, which strengthened us on many days when we could walk no longer – blessings to you. You will be remembered… and if I could speak for Sarah I’m sure she would say to you as well – “thank you. Thank you for caring for my Mom and Dad.”
Though she is not with us, she is alive, and the journey continues on, except she is there and we are here. We carry on seeing her in our minds dancing and spinning in the beauty of our dreams, where she is the pearl – the princess of our lives, running along the beach where we long to lift her up into our arms and kiss her bright and shiny face. We feel her absence so very intensely and our grief pours out.
So this is how it happened:
On the seventeenth of April, Jen gave birth to Sarah. Unfortunately Sarah’s heart had stopped working some time before the seventeenth, possibly two days before, but we’re not sure. For Sarah her life with us began on Jen’s birthday when she was conceived. And by the hand of God her life with us ended as timely as it began, on my birthday. It seems her life and her times were truly chosen by God. And now thankfully, Sarah and I share the same birthday. Jen and I will be able to celebrate my birthday and Sarah’s birthday together for years to come. For me as her father, it’s a special gift.
So as the story goes we checked into the hospital on Wednesday because Jen had been having contractions consistently for well over twelve hours. Soon after arriving we had an ultra-sound done. We had a sense something was wrong the previous day. The ultra-sound confirmed it - her heart was no longer beating. That was Wednesday morning. Thursday night at ten twenty-two, after a sleepless night and hours of labor, Jen gave birth to Sarah. I won’t go into details of all that happened while in the hospital. I will just say it was rough. It was emotionally draining, physically exhausting, and spiritually difficult. I have to say though, that Jen was a true champion in the way she gave herself to giving birth to Sarah. She showed incredible courage and strength enduring unbelievably hard circumstances. I saw so much beauty in her during that time. I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. I witnessed her as an expression of grace - selfless, sacrificial, loving while under tremendous pressure. She fought for her little girl like the best Mom would finishing the race with honor, dignity and heart like I’ve never seen before. I’m sure she made Sarah proud too. She was my hero that day, as she was every day carrying Sarah with love and tenderness. What I saw in her these many months made me understand so much more how some blooms are more beautiful than others because of the adversity in which they open up.
After Sarah was born we were able to have as much time with her as we needed. It was incredibly hard and confusing and painful. You don’t know how to feel in moments like that. Sarah is beautiful and looks so much like her mother. Her lips and nose and facial features spoke of Jen. She had a stout head of hair as well like her Dad, dark and thick. Holding her was timeless. She was so delicate and tiny and sweetly serene, like she had known no trauma. It was like looking at a face you would someday know intimately in your heart… the connection between parent and child is undeniable. Everything was sort of surreal when we were with her with so many different emotions colliding and running into each other in the same space. We are still feeling that now. The journey without Sarah is now beginning and many things in our hearts are still finding a place to land. It seems it will take time, and time we will take. We can join with others in saying we don’t understand why things happen the way they do. We know there is a tendency to seek answers and understanding so as to comfort the pain. But we are just trying to allow the questions to be there without requiring answers or understanding. We are simply trusting God for his timing and understandings with things. He’s shared with us so much already, it’s just that death has a way of confronting what’s inside like nothing else. That’s why we are moving slowly through all of this and letting our hearts breathe out all that’s happened, while breathing in what His is giving us today.
Please pray for us… for this is not over. We have many more obstacles to walk through. We are so thankful for friends and for family. You have all made us feel very much not alone. We thank you for that. We plan on sharing in the grieving with all of you, for it is a loss for all of us. We realize this is not just about us, it’s about the collective “us”. And we are in this together. We aren’t wanting to isolate at all, so please understand that. We’ve just needed a few days to collect ourselves and find shelter for our hearts. It took a lot out of us over the last so many days and we are gathering the pieces of our hearts back together… and we want to do that with our friends, and we will. Thank you for giving us this time. Thankfully we are in a new home, which is a perfect gift from God… we love it here already. It’s a home full of light, full of perspective (a view), and sits on a hill looking to horizons (ocean) that fall off the earth. It is a kiss from God to be here.
Thanks again for traveling with us this far… we love being with you all. And if you would like… we would like to invite you to stay with us still, as we would like to carry on with you wherever life will take us. Our lives all come into rough waters sooner or later, without fail and to have friends in the storm can often be the difference between arriving or being lost at sea. The storms are also a part of what makes this life worth living, for the joys wouldn’t be as great without the valleys in between. We are all traveling together towards the same destination, towards our true resting place. And for us when we get there, there will be a little toe head in the welcoming party that will run to us with arms open wide… we will finally be reunited with our little girl, and nothing will separate us from her again.
May God be the one to receive Glory from her life, from all that she gave to us. May all that has come from this circumstance bring Him honor. Let it be for ages to come and for eternity to come a testimony of His unfailing love, of His unrelenting faithfulness. When things are most difficult and it seems like there is no way out and all is lost, that even then, God is trustworthy - that in His infinite power, wisdom and love, He will see us through to a brighter day. For we know and are to know that our lives will continue to see a life of love and laughter increasing, even when we suffer loss. We are to see this joy growing more and more, even as we come to know that the ones we have lost, though they are departed, are laughing with Jesus, enjoying the splendor and beauty of His outrageous personality, and that soon we will join them and every low place in our hearts will be filled. God is so good… we know it even more today. Thank you Jesus. You are more wonderful than words. Bless you guys. Thanks again for being with us. May your reward from Him be Heaven itself, alive and living in your hearts. And as Jen dreamt one night about Sarah and having a conversation with God about Sarah in the dream He said: “Sarah is a fire starter, she’s to ignite hearts.” May it be so. May her life give to your heart and life, a new fire to go live life well, even when it all seems lost.
From us to you with thanks,
Joseph and Jen
and Sarah Elizabeth too
Jen and I wanted to let everyone know what has recently taken place concerning Sarah. A few days ago our time of caring for her came to an end. Sarah is no longer with us. She is now free and enjoying all that God has for her. We are so thankful for that. We are so glad she could go be with Him before ever knowing the kind of pain we feel today. Our loss is so very real. There are no words to describe what this is like. But I can also say the comfort of His love is equally as real and present for us. We don’t have answers to so many things, but having questions isn’t bad. It comes with the territory. Pain and loss is never easy to understand. We are allowing the questions to be present without forcing there to be answers. We are so glad to know she is running free, wide eyed and full of joy. This is comforting to remember when our hands are left empty. We had hoped for and believed in a different outcome to this story, and we are glad we did. It is what gave us hope, and hope is a good thing, it’s sometimes the best of things. Without it we would of withered a long time ago. Instead we had days filled with joy, laughter and the dreams of what might come of us with Sarah. We cannot tell you how much our lives were enriched by her being with us. Each day was a gift. And like it is when you lose a son or a daughter, the loss is overwhelming… It’s hard not to be undone. We feel the loss today but it’s only because we loved, and loving is never wrong. We knew there was only one bridge to life for Sarah for her to finally be with us. We knew that bridge would be one of miracles. It was a long shot, but there was no other way for us to go. We were entrusted with her to give her the best possible chance at life. We feel we’ve done that to the best of our ability. So we don’t feel any regret. Instead we truly feel the pleasure of God over us for caring for her life in the way it feels He wanted us to. Life is hard sometimes and circumstances can feel unfair. We know what that’s like… we just want people to know that you can face anything with God next to you. It’s not to say you won’t feel pain, because you will, it’s just you won’t be alone in it, and you won’t stay broken and shattered when it’s all over. He will stay with you… He will come… and He will heal all that hurts, and then He will show you there is life after the ashes. We are in the midst of this right now.
God saw that there was a better way for this to end, or you could say, carry on. We are yet to understand all the ways in which this was the better way… but we will soon enough, and if not, that’s okay too. It won’t change what we know to be true. God is good… He is faithful and loving – perfectly loving. And in this situation it was and is so evident, and so very true that He is all those things. He has done great things. If we had the time and the energy, we could tell you story after story of His perfect love in this situation. Some day maybe we will.
For us this journey carries on. It carries on for all of us. So many of you stood with us. You have no idea how much this has meant to us. We weep with thankfulness over your hearts for us and for Sarah. We want you to know you have touched us deeply with your many acts of kindness and love. All of you who prayed and wept with us, who laughed and celebrated our victory over death, who carried us in the bosom of your hearts… you are our treasures, our lights in the darkness as we walked through this valley. Our debt to you is beyond repaying. Please know it didn’t go unnoticed, not by us, and certainly not by God who sees in secret. Your hearts are beautiful to us and we only wish to be there for you in the same way you’ve been here for us. We are eternally grateful to you – We so want to say thank you. Thank you a thousand times for lifting us up when all we could do was lay down and surrender. Heaven touched our hearts on countless days and we know it was you who opened the window to let in the cool breeze. If we could compare you to anything we would say you are like the sunshine after the rain. You refreshed our hearts and gave us of your own faith, which strengthened us on many days when we could walk no longer – blessings to you. You will be remembered… and if I could speak for Sarah I’m sure she would say to you as well – “thank you. Thank you for caring for my Mom and Dad.”
Though she is not with us, she is alive, and the journey continues on, except she is there and we are here. We carry on seeing her in our minds dancing and spinning in the beauty of our dreams, where she is the pearl – the princess of our lives, running along the beach where we long to lift her up into our arms and kiss her bright and shiny face. We feel her absence so very intensely and our grief pours out.
So this is how it happened:
On the seventeenth of April, Jen gave birth to Sarah. Unfortunately Sarah’s heart had stopped working some time before the seventeenth, possibly two days before, but we’re not sure. For Sarah her life with us began on Jen’s birthday when she was conceived. And by the hand of God her life with us ended as timely as it began, on my birthday. It seems her life and her times were truly chosen by God. And now thankfully, Sarah and I share the same birthday. Jen and I will be able to celebrate my birthday and Sarah’s birthday together for years to come. For me as her father, it’s a special gift.
So as the story goes we checked into the hospital on Wednesday because Jen had been having contractions consistently for well over twelve hours. Soon after arriving we had an ultra-sound done. We had a sense something was wrong the previous day. The ultra-sound confirmed it - her heart was no longer beating. That was Wednesday morning. Thursday night at ten twenty-two, after a sleepless night and hours of labor, Jen gave birth to Sarah. I won’t go into details of all that happened while in the hospital. I will just say it was rough. It was emotionally draining, physically exhausting, and spiritually difficult. I have to say though, that Jen was a true champion in the way she gave herself to giving birth to Sarah. She showed incredible courage and strength enduring unbelievably hard circumstances. I saw so much beauty in her during that time. I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. I witnessed her as an expression of grace - selfless, sacrificial, loving while under tremendous pressure. She fought for her little girl like the best Mom would finishing the race with honor, dignity and heart like I’ve never seen before. I’m sure she made Sarah proud too. She was my hero that day, as she was every day carrying Sarah with love and tenderness. What I saw in her these many months made me understand so much more how some blooms are more beautiful than others because of the adversity in which they open up.
After Sarah was born we were able to have as much time with her as we needed. It was incredibly hard and confusing and painful. You don’t know how to feel in moments like that. Sarah is beautiful and looks so much like her mother. Her lips and nose and facial features spoke of Jen. She had a stout head of hair as well like her Dad, dark and thick. Holding her was timeless. She was so delicate and tiny and sweetly serene, like she had known no trauma. It was like looking at a face you would someday know intimately in your heart… the connection between parent and child is undeniable. Everything was sort of surreal when we were with her with so many different emotions colliding and running into each other in the same space. We are still feeling that now. The journey without Sarah is now beginning and many things in our hearts are still finding a place to land. It seems it will take time, and time we will take. We can join with others in saying we don’t understand why things happen the way they do. We know there is a tendency to seek answers and understanding so as to comfort the pain. But we are just trying to allow the questions to be there without requiring answers or understanding. We are simply trusting God for his timing and understandings with things. He’s shared with us so much already, it’s just that death has a way of confronting what’s inside like nothing else. That’s why we are moving slowly through all of this and letting our hearts breathe out all that’s happened, while breathing in what His is giving us today.
Please pray for us… for this is not over. We have many more obstacles to walk through. We are so thankful for friends and for family. You have all made us feel very much not alone. We thank you for that. We plan on sharing in the grieving with all of you, for it is a loss for all of us. We realize this is not just about us, it’s about the collective “us”. And we are in this together. We aren’t wanting to isolate at all, so please understand that. We’ve just needed a few days to collect ourselves and find shelter for our hearts. It took a lot out of us over the last so many days and we are gathering the pieces of our hearts back together… and we want to do that with our friends, and we will. Thank you for giving us this time. Thankfully we are in a new home, which is a perfect gift from God… we love it here already. It’s a home full of light, full of perspective (a view), and sits on a hill looking to horizons (ocean) that fall off the earth. It is a kiss from God to be here.
Thanks again for traveling with us this far… we love being with you all. And if you would like… we would like to invite you to stay with us still, as we would like to carry on with you wherever life will take us. Our lives all come into rough waters sooner or later, without fail and to have friends in the storm can often be the difference between arriving or being lost at sea. The storms are also a part of what makes this life worth living, for the joys wouldn’t be as great without the valleys in between. We are all traveling together towards the same destination, towards our true resting place. And for us when we get there, there will be a little toe head in the welcoming party that will run to us with arms open wide… we will finally be reunited with our little girl, and nothing will separate us from her again.
May God be the one to receive Glory from her life, from all that she gave to us. May all that has come from this circumstance bring Him honor. Let it be for ages to come and for eternity to come a testimony of His unfailing love, of His unrelenting faithfulness. When things are most difficult and it seems like there is no way out and all is lost, that even then, God is trustworthy - that in His infinite power, wisdom and love, He will see us through to a brighter day. For we know and are to know that our lives will continue to see a life of love and laughter increasing, even when we suffer loss. We are to see this joy growing more and more, even as we come to know that the ones we have lost, though they are departed, are laughing with Jesus, enjoying the splendor and beauty of His outrageous personality, and that soon we will join them and every low place in our hearts will be filled. God is so good… we know it even more today. Thank you Jesus. You are more wonderful than words. Bless you guys. Thanks again for being with us. May your reward from Him be Heaven itself, alive and living in your hearts. And as Jen dreamt one night about Sarah and having a conversation with God about Sarah in the dream He said: “Sarah is a fire starter, she’s to ignite hearts.” May it be so. May her life give to your heart and life, a new fire to go live life well, even when it all seems lost.
From us to you with thanks,
Joseph and Jen
and Sarah Elizabeth too
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Reed Baskets...
"She (moses' mother) got him a papyrus reed basket and covered it over with tar and pitch. Then she put the child into it, and set it among the reeds by the bank of the Nile." Exodus 2
A few days ago Father showed me this basket of tar and pitch. I was praying... waiting... listening, as you do, and this picture, in the spirit, came into view. I saw this reed basket floating on the water. I saw it set among the reeds, gently moving to the ripples in the water as they rolled through the long stems of the plants. And then it was like this understanding started to unfold inside me as I considered what I was seeing. I felt God saying:
"Place Sarah there. . ."
"Where Father? . . ."
"Place Sarah in there."
There came a time for even the mother of Moses to step into abandoned trust, possibly deeper than she had ever known. In her situation there was nothing left for her to do to help her son. All the options had been exhausted. She had kept Moses from death for three months. But then it says, "... when she could hide him no longer...", she built a basket to place her son in. Imagine doing this with your child, placing him/her in a basket on a river among the reeds... How desperate must she had been to do that. It seems Moses' mother didn't know what was going to happen to Moses. Her child had a destiny, but early on it was weighing in the balance. They didn't know what was going to happen to him. All it says is that, "... his sister stood at a distance to find out what would happen to him." Imagine the powerlessness she must of felt... unbelievable.
Jen and I know what this feels like. There's nothing more we can do to keep Sarah from all the trouble and/or death that's being spoken over her. We don't agree with that outcome... but that's where things are going if we don't see God's intervention, for her condition has been clearly stated to us by the doctors who have looked at her. There's no other option for us, for her, except for the power of God to come and be revealed.
So like Moses' mother we are now building our reed basket. We are trusting God once again for the outcome of her life. We are so thankful to be able to do that because there is no better or safer place to put her in. It's where we've been... it's just now the complexity of the problem is increasing. I can't go into here. But we have decisions to make that are not easy... Therefore we are building our "reed boat" trusting her into the arms of God.
The faithfulness of God finds us when we are weak. Jen and I are in a place of weakness. And He is finding us everyday. We are not strong and hear Him telling us again, "His power(strength) is perfected in our weakness." So we've been finding that our strength is really in the happy countenance of Jesus - in His perspective, in His irrepressible joyfulness. It's been securing us in love so far as we have been facing things with Sarah. Since the diagnosis of Sarah's condition, joy and laughter has been a present strength in our hearts and lives. We are keeping ourselves there as much as we can. Things can get too serious too fast. We're doing our best not to move from this place of joy... but sometimes it's not easy - pray for us. We know how unable we are to change things for her without Him. The situation is impossible... there is nearly nothing we can do fix it. But these impossibilities are subject to the Word of God. And we are going to keep speaking the Word of God over her until the Word becomes flesh - that's the plan.
Thankfully we have felt His manifest goodness surrounding us. It's been tangible. And so many people have represented to us how wonderful He is. We've felt people's care for us. We see His face in all of you. We've seen Him reveal His heart in all the countless ways people have opened to us in kindness and compassion. All of it is treasured in our hearts. We are so thankful for all of it. We are so thankful for all the love you've shown us.
But right now it's been a rough two weeks and we feel the toll that it's taken on our hearts. We have felt our hearts hurt with the gravity of all that could go wrong. Doctor visits are difficult and becoming even more difficult. The reality of what could happen to Sarah is sometimes difficult not to feel in our hearts. We feel the pressure building and we have decisions to make.
An added stress to our situation is that we are still unable to find a place to live. We didn't get the rental we were hoping for - that's okay, but it would be great to get into a place soon. June third is our due date - not too far away. Where we are staying now is a real gift to us. We have no complaints whatsoever, but we've felt is was temporary and we don't want to over stay our welcome. We want to be in the place He has for us. And right now, it's here, and we are thankful for that - we truly are. We are loved here, and it's safe for us. I could say many wonderful things about this arrangement, but it's not like having your own place where you can prepare a room for your child - we can't. It's not that kind of a situation. So it makes it ackward to know how to handle that. Jen's feeling the natural desires to create a place for Sarah, and we aren't able to do that right now. We aren't preparing physically for her arrival yet... and we need to. It's apart of expressing what our faith believes to be true, that she is going to live and be with us. It's all quite intense. We are walking on water and risking. We want to create a room that would be filled with a little life. But there is no guarantees. It's all faith. What is faith without risk? So we are in a holding pattern right now resting in His timing. But when we are cleared to land we want to get the signal and get down on the ground accordingly. We want to hear the sound, see the way, and go in it.
"And when she saw that he was beautiful, she hid him for three months." There she (Moses' mother) is hiding her baby from death - what a situation. Jen and I have been experiencing this. We've been doing the same. We see that Sarah is beautiful and we want to keep her hidden from death.
And like it is for us, so it was for Moses' mother. There came a day when she could no longer keep the child hidden. Her own abilities to keep the child out of harms way were running out. There was no avoiding the reality that she was limited in what she could do to keep the child alive. Whatever things she could do to facilitate keeping him safe were no longer available to her anymore. She had to do something else. It seems at this point there was no other option for her but to move to a whole new place of trust. Somehow another way did open up to her. Something happened to give her the idea of a reed basket. All other doors seemed to have closed on her. Maybe God gave her the idea, I don't know. One thing it's saying to me from this story is that with God there is always a way, especially when it seems impossible. A reed basket covered in pitch and tar... what an idea to save a life.
Little Moses was placed in a basket covered with tar and pitch, the very life blood of trees. Once placed in the basket his life was surrounded by it. We are doing the same with our Sarah. We are placing her in the blood of Jesus and it covers her. As she sits in the reed basket of Jen's body, as she sits in the faithfulness of God, as her Mom and Dad trust her into the care of the Father, we wait patiently to see what will happen to her. We cover her with life everyday as we pray for her. She is our Sarah, our song, the princess we make melody in our hearts about.
It's about trust. It's about persevering under pressure. It's about resting in the faithfulness of God, trusting in who He is to us. We can do only so much in our capacities as people. We are limited. But with God, crazy things can happen - amazing things. Things that defy explanation other than the fact that God is real and does care about us and can do wonderful things for us simply because He is like that - He's wonderful! He's loving. He's unbelievably beautiful. Think of the most beautiful thing... and whatever that is doesn't come close to the beauty of God. So anyway, God is present and for us. He's got our backs and well He's got just about everything else too. All of us can't forget that. We are trying not to forget as well.
Thank you for praying for us. We so need it. Bless you for caring about us, for reading all this. May you come to know what we have come to know about Him through this situation... that He is trustworthy and good - I mean really, really good, incredibly good! And He's funny. I'm not kidding. The sense of humor in God is a killer! For us it has been a pure gift. It's like soothing balm on the heart releasing a fragrance of life. Because of Him we have been soaring like eagles the last couple of months. We could of easily been crawling under stones depressed to hide. But it's not been that way. It's so wonderful to not be alone... to be with Him, and Him with us. What a delight. He's been so available to us. I can't tell you how much that's meant to us. The presence of God... what a gift. It's so wonderful to hear Him whisper in your ear each day and say... "it's gonna be okay... don't worry. It's gonna be okay. I'm here, I'm with ya... I got ya... It's gonna be okay"
Remember, we all have times of reed baskets... and that's okay. Sometimes the options run out, and there isn't another way to go. In those moments be attentive to the way that seems impossible where you need a reed basket. They come in all shapes and sizes. Nevertheless you have to take a risk and put your trust in that reed basket that God is providing. You might be trusting with what you most love. You might be trusting in the midst of what you most fear, either way it is trust. It is trust in God, in who He is, and who He is for your life. This is faith... sometimes there is nothing left for us to lean on - everything else is gone and all we have is our faith. In those moments it's just you and Him. And you know, i think that's the way He likes it. Things get real for you then. They get transparently real between you and Him. What's in you comes to the surface. But that's okay, better it that way than smoke screens and illusions. We want reality, not religious non-sense. God's not afraid of taking us to the edge of what we fear the most... He's not. He'll take us there not for the sake of scaring us, but for the sake of setting us free. He doesn't like fear in any way. He makes no allowances for our worries and fears. He simply says, "Do not fear." In other words - get rid of it. Then He gives us the solution for our fears, "Perfect love casts out fear." That's where we are going. That's where He's taking Jen and I, and that's where He's taking you. So He'll lead you it seems straight into what is most terrifying at times for He's knows that freedom is just a veil away.
We are here in this life and have no control over what is going to happen in life, to our loved ones, or to us. It's out of our control. We learn that so very quick in circumstances like this that Jen and I are facing. We may be facing this now as if we are the only ones, but we're not the only ones. All of us will face them. We get to choose how we want to face them and walk through them. That choosing starts today, not tomorrow. If we wait to walk with God when crisis comes, we won't be ready, we'll likely fold. But if we start now, He will prepare us for what's to come. Either way He'll be God, it's just we have an advantage if we start now because we will have taken the time to understand Him and know how He does things and how to walk through difficult things the way that is most helpful to Him and to us. For what we are going to face in the days ahead will be glorious if we will but choose to be with Him and learn from Him, enjoy Him and receive from Him. For He knows the plans He has for you, for me, for all of us, plans to prosper you, to give you a future and a hope. We are to have hope! He has a future for us. Jen and I and Sarah have a future and a hope. We do. So come find yours if you haven't already. Come and see... And when all shakes loose, if and when it does, you'll be lifted on wings like eagles. You'll take to the air on the shoulders of the wind. We all are meant to fly. And Jesus says we are to fly when storms are raging... We can even still them. We first have to be still on the inside. All we need is time with Him and it will all make sense.
I bless you as you come to your moments of reed baskets. I bless you that joy and laughter is waiting there for you. May you know that He waits there for you, with open arms, anticipating giving you that bear hug that will squeeze into you all of His perfect love. I bless you. Trust Him... He is so worthy of your trust. He's shown it to us... just look at Jesus again, as if for the first time. Allow Him to pull off of your eyes the veils that blind Him to how trustworthy He really is. He loves you. He will never leave you to yourself... He will come. Just ask Him to. And like with Moses, He'll take whatever is trusted to Him and turn it into something so very special and beautiful.
A few days ago Father showed me this basket of tar and pitch. I was praying... waiting... listening, as you do, and this picture, in the spirit, came into view. I saw this reed basket floating on the water. I saw it set among the reeds, gently moving to the ripples in the water as they rolled through the long stems of the plants. And then it was like this understanding started to unfold inside me as I considered what I was seeing. I felt God saying:
"Place Sarah there. . ."
"Where Father? . . ."
"Place Sarah in there."
There came a time for even the mother of Moses to step into abandoned trust, possibly deeper than she had ever known. In her situation there was nothing left for her to do to help her son. All the options had been exhausted. She had kept Moses from death for three months. But then it says, "... when she could hide him no longer...", she built a basket to place her son in. Imagine doing this with your child, placing him/her in a basket on a river among the reeds... How desperate must she had been to do that. It seems Moses' mother didn't know what was going to happen to Moses. Her child had a destiny, but early on it was weighing in the balance. They didn't know what was going to happen to him. All it says is that, "... his sister stood at a distance to find out what would happen to him." Imagine the powerlessness she must of felt... unbelievable.
Jen and I know what this feels like. There's nothing more we can do to keep Sarah from all the trouble and/or death that's being spoken over her. We don't agree with that outcome... but that's where things are going if we don't see God's intervention, for her condition has been clearly stated to us by the doctors who have looked at her. There's no other option for us, for her, except for the power of God to come and be revealed.
So like Moses' mother we are now building our reed basket. We are trusting God once again for the outcome of her life. We are so thankful to be able to do that because there is no better or safer place to put her in. It's where we've been... it's just now the complexity of the problem is increasing. I can't go into here. But we have decisions to make that are not easy... Therefore we are building our "reed boat" trusting her into the arms of God.
The faithfulness of God finds us when we are weak. Jen and I are in a place of weakness. And He is finding us everyday. We are not strong and hear Him telling us again, "His power(strength) is perfected in our weakness." So we've been finding that our strength is really in the happy countenance of Jesus - in His perspective, in His irrepressible joyfulness. It's been securing us in love so far as we have been facing things with Sarah. Since the diagnosis of Sarah's condition, joy and laughter has been a present strength in our hearts and lives. We are keeping ourselves there as much as we can. Things can get too serious too fast. We're doing our best not to move from this place of joy... but sometimes it's not easy - pray for us. We know how unable we are to change things for her without Him. The situation is impossible... there is nearly nothing we can do fix it. But these impossibilities are subject to the Word of God. And we are going to keep speaking the Word of God over her until the Word becomes flesh - that's the plan.
Thankfully we have felt His manifest goodness surrounding us. It's been tangible. And so many people have represented to us how wonderful He is. We've felt people's care for us. We see His face in all of you. We've seen Him reveal His heart in all the countless ways people have opened to us in kindness and compassion. All of it is treasured in our hearts. We are so thankful for all of it. We are so thankful for all the love you've shown us.
But right now it's been a rough two weeks and we feel the toll that it's taken on our hearts. We have felt our hearts hurt with the gravity of all that could go wrong. Doctor visits are difficult and becoming even more difficult. The reality of what could happen to Sarah is sometimes difficult not to feel in our hearts. We feel the pressure building and we have decisions to make.
An added stress to our situation is that we are still unable to find a place to live. We didn't get the rental we were hoping for - that's okay, but it would be great to get into a place soon. June third is our due date - not too far away. Where we are staying now is a real gift to us. We have no complaints whatsoever, but we've felt is was temporary and we don't want to over stay our welcome. We want to be in the place He has for us. And right now, it's here, and we are thankful for that - we truly are. We are loved here, and it's safe for us. I could say many wonderful things about this arrangement, but it's not like having your own place where you can prepare a room for your child - we can't. It's not that kind of a situation. So it makes it ackward to know how to handle that. Jen's feeling the natural desires to create a place for Sarah, and we aren't able to do that right now. We aren't preparing physically for her arrival yet... and we need to. It's apart of expressing what our faith believes to be true, that she is going to live and be with us. It's all quite intense. We are walking on water and risking. We want to create a room that would be filled with a little life. But there is no guarantees. It's all faith. What is faith without risk? So we are in a holding pattern right now resting in His timing. But when we are cleared to land we want to get the signal and get down on the ground accordingly. We want to hear the sound, see the way, and go in it.
"And when she saw that he was beautiful, she hid him for three months." There she (Moses' mother) is hiding her baby from death - what a situation. Jen and I have been experiencing this. We've been doing the same. We see that Sarah is beautiful and we want to keep her hidden from death.
And like it is for us, so it was for Moses' mother. There came a day when she could no longer keep the child hidden. Her own abilities to keep the child out of harms way were running out. There was no avoiding the reality that she was limited in what she could do to keep the child alive. Whatever things she could do to facilitate keeping him safe were no longer available to her anymore. She had to do something else. It seems at this point there was no other option for her but to move to a whole new place of trust. Somehow another way did open up to her. Something happened to give her the idea of a reed basket. All other doors seemed to have closed on her. Maybe God gave her the idea, I don't know. One thing it's saying to me from this story is that with God there is always a way, especially when it seems impossible. A reed basket covered in pitch and tar... what an idea to save a life.
Little Moses was placed in a basket covered with tar and pitch, the very life blood of trees. Once placed in the basket his life was surrounded by it. We are doing the same with our Sarah. We are placing her in the blood of Jesus and it covers her. As she sits in the reed basket of Jen's body, as she sits in the faithfulness of God, as her Mom and Dad trust her into the care of the Father, we wait patiently to see what will happen to her. We cover her with life everyday as we pray for her. She is our Sarah, our song, the princess we make melody in our hearts about.
It's about trust. It's about persevering under pressure. It's about resting in the faithfulness of God, trusting in who He is to us. We can do only so much in our capacities as people. We are limited. But with God, crazy things can happen - amazing things. Things that defy explanation other than the fact that God is real and does care about us and can do wonderful things for us simply because He is like that - He's wonderful! He's loving. He's unbelievably beautiful. Think of the most beautiful thing... and whatever that is doesn't come close to the beauty of God. So anyway, God is present and for us. He's got our backs and well He's got just about everything else too. All of us can't forget that. We are trying not to forget as well.
Thank you for praying for us. We so need it. Bless you for caring about us, for reading all this. May you come to know what we have come to know about Him through this situation... that He is trustworthy and good - I mean really, really good, incredibly good! And He's funny. I'm not kidding. The sense of humor in God is a killer! For us it has been a pure gift. It's like soothing balm on the heart releasing a fragrance of life. Because of Him we have been soaring like eagles the last couple of months. We could of easily been crawling under stones depressed to hide. But it's not been that way. It's so wonderful to not be alone... to be with Him, and Him with us. What a delight. He's been so available to us. I can't tell you how much that's meant to us. The presence of God... what a gift. It's so wonderful to hear Him whisper in your ear each day and say... "it's gonna be okay... don't worry. It's gonna be okay. I'm here, I'm with ya... I got ya... It's gonna be okay"
Remember, we all have times of reed baskets... and that's okay. Sometimes the options run out, and there isn't another way to go. In those moments be attentive to the way that seems impossible where you need a reed basket. They come in all shapes and sizes. Nevertheless you have to take a risk and put your trust in that reed basket that God is providing. You might be trusting with what you most love. You might be trusting in the midst of what you most fear, either way it is trust. It is trust in God, in who He is, and who He is for your life. This is faith... sometimes there is nothing left for us to lean on - everything else is gone and all we have is our faith. In those moments it's just you and Him. And you know, i think that's the way He likes it. Things get real for you then. They get transparently real between you and Him. What's in you comes to the surface. But that's okay, better it that way than smoke screens and illusions. We want reality, not religious non-sense. God's not afraid of taking us to the edge of what we fear the most... He's not. He'll take us there not for the sake of scaring us, but for the sake of setting us free. He doesn't like fear in any way. He makes no allowances for our worries and fears. He simply says, "Do not fear." In other words - get rid of it. Then He gives us the solution for our fears, "Perfect love casts out fear." That's where we are going. That's where He's taking Jen and I, and that's where He's taking you. So He'll lead you it seems straight into what is most terrifying at times for He's knows that freedom is just a veil away.
We are here in this life and have no control over what is going to happen in life, to our loved ones, or to us. It's out of our control. We learn that so very quick in circumstances like this that Jen and I are facing. We may be facing this now as if we are the only ones, but we're not the only ones. All of us will face them. We get to choose how we want to face them and walk through them. That choosing starts today, not tomorrow. If we wait to walk with God when crisis comes, we won't be ready, we'll likely fold. But if we start now, He will prepare us for what's to come. Either way He'll be God, it's just we have an advantage if we start now because we will have taken the time to understand Him and know how He does things and how to walk through difficult things the way that is most helpful to Him and to us. For what we are going to face in the days ahead will be glorious if we will but choose to be with Him and learn from Him, enjoy Him and receive from Him. For He knows the plans He has for you, for me, for all of us, plans to prosper you, to give you a future and a hope. We are to have hope! He has a future for us. Jen and I and Sarah have a future and a hope. We do. So come find yours if you haven't already. Come and see... And when all shakes loose, if and when it does, you'll be lifted on wings like eagles. You'll take to the air on the shoulders of the wind. We all are meant to fly. And Jesus says we are to fly when storms are raging... We can even still them. We first have to be still on the inside. All we need is time with Him and it will all make sense.
I bless you as you come to your moments of reed baskets. I bless you that joy and laughter is waiting there for you. May you know that He waits there for you, with open arms, anticipating giving you that bear hug that will squeeze into you all of His perfect love. I bless you. Trust Him... He is so worthy of your trust. He's shown it to us... just look at Jesus again, as if for the first time. Allow Him to pull off of your eyes the veils that blind Him to how trustworthy He really is. He loves you. He will never leave you to yourself... He will come. Just ask Him to. And like with Moses, He'll take whatever is trusted to Him and turn it into something so very special and beautiful.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
28 weeks of life with Sarah, and more to come
The amazing "growing belly"!
We've reached 28 weeks now...can't believe how fast time has flown by the last 2 months since we received the diagnosis. I'm loving being pregnant and am feeling more and more connected to little Sarah every day. I love waking up to her kicking feet and imagining her snuggled up napping in my womb later in the day...so amazing. I've been playing lots of music for her and she seems to kick a lot more when her daddy is around...she loves his voice :) She's still breeched, but has a few more weeks to turn around...its actually been nice having her little hands up above punching me in the ribs, rather than her strong little legs! She's quite the fighter...beating all odds and proving the doctors wrong.
Last friday was such a shock - we weren't shocked by the news, we were prepared for that, but I wasn't prepared for the attitude of the doctor. Again he encouraged aborting our little girl...I had a hard time understanding how he could look up at the computer screen and see Sarah's beautiful face on there and STILL have that word "abort" come out of his mouth. It's sad to see how medicine has moved into a place of disposable life, where a child is no longer a child but simply an object inside my womb that can be disposed of. If something isn't perfect - they feel its okay to just discard it. Our prayers have been that God's glory would be revealed to the medical world surrounding us right now - that they would see that miracles still do happen and that God is a reality. We'd love for you to join us in praying for this...
I haven't been sleeping as well the last couple of weeks...I seem to wake up several times at night and have a hard time falling back asleep. In some ways, I've really enjoyed my alone time in the middle of the night, praying for my little girl and fighting for her life...I feel like my prayers and thoughts are consumed with her these days...I don't want to let a day go by where I'm not speaking life and blessing over her sweet little body. Joseph and I have both encountered miraculous healings all across the world - seeing the blind and deaf healed, broken bones set to perfection, etc - and we know that He is capable of healing our little girls heart and mind.
I've been thinking a lot about Joseph's job lately. He is a pastoral counselor, helping heal broken hearts and set captive minds free...we are seeing so much fruit and freedom coming from his ministry (Healing for the Heart)! It's been amazing to watch people transform before our eyes as God brings healing to pain that has been there for years...sometimes their entire lives. The ironic thing is - Joseph is working to heal hearts and minds - and that is the very thing being taken from our little girl, her heart and her mind. Jesus, we pray that you would redeem our little girl's heart and mind and bring freedom to her body. He is so capable and I feel our sweet Sarah is so worthy...I understand at a new level what its like for God to watch us in our pain. If I could take away the pain Sarah is feeling as her mom, I would do so in a heart beat. Watching your child suffer has to be the hardest thing we'll experience in life...I can't imagine how God must grieve as we as the church struggle for life here on earth.
Okay, enough rambling...just thought I'd fill you guys in on a snap shot of my journey with Sarah. I feel so honored and blessed to have been chosen as her mother - I honestly don't deserve a child as special as she is. God is gracious....
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