Pregnancy brain has officially arrived...

Okay, so hopefully my profile is a bit cuter than Homer Simpson's...but nevertheless, you get the idea. My brain feels as if its slowly shrinking into a world of nothingness (is that a word?). I thought I was in the clear this time around, because our pregnancy with Sarah looked like the above photo the ENTIRE pregnancy! I would make lists to remember things and then forget about the lists. That's how bad it was. Joseph would do his best to bite his tongue when he came home from a long day of work to find that the 3 small things he asked me to do - would of course be left undone. Now hear me out. Part of that was due to my intimate relationship with the toilet. Yes, the toilet and I got very close last pregnancy. He often left for work as I was on the floor puking my brains out (maybe that's why our brains shrink!?) and then would find me in the same position when he came home 8hrs later. Oh the joy of 9 months of "morning" sickness. Ugh. This pregnancy has been different though...little throwing up has led (according to my new theory) to actually keeping my brains a bit longer! Ha.

So I'm officially in the third trimester now. Time flies when you're keeping your food in! 2/3rds of the way through...gosh, who would have thought! Last year at this time I was still carrying our sweet Sarah...next Friday is her 1 year birthday, its really hard to believe its been a year already. So much has happened in the last year. What's even crazier is that at the end of this pregnancy, I will have officially been pregnant 20 out of the last 24 months. That's insane. My poor body!! One positive aspect is that I'm not afraid of giving birth this time around. Nothing could be as painful and heartbreaking as the birth process last time around...all that pain and trauma and drawn out emotions...whew...I'll be happy to experience all the birth pain this time around with the final outcome a crying, chubby cheeked little guy. I can hardly wait. :)

So back to my original entry theme...pregnancy brain...see, I can't even write about it without getting side tracked and forgetting what I'm writing about! Just a few pregnancy brain (or as my friend put it: PIS - pregnancy induced stupidity) stories from the last week...

- Making dinner last week, I put the rice in the rice cooker like always and heard the "ding" indicating it was done waaaay faster than usual. My first thought was, wow...time really IS flying by! I discovered quickly that the rice actually was done....over done...because I had conveniently forgot to put the water in with it. I had prepared nicely heated and burnt smelling rice kernels ready for crunching on :)

- I planted some seeds last week in order to get some "starters" ready for spring planting. Lettuce, herbs, tomatoes...I can hardly wait...although I'll have to wait a little longer than normal because I planted the seeds and forgot a vital part of the process - water. They sat in nicely sunned soil for a good 3 or 4 days before I realized they weren't sprouting due to a lack of...ahem...water. Man, what's with me and water!?

- That reminds me....I've boiled water (again!?) on the stove at least 3 times, totally forgetting that I was boiling water. Come to find out later (after the water has all evaporated), that a little moisture in the air is actually great for my current allergy battle. Those were good "forgettings".

- There are so many more stories...but maybe one of the best was last night. I usually try and have dinner ready for Joseph every night when he gets home from work because he's always famished. If dinner isn't ready, our pantry doors will fly open and he'll start devouring anything and everything in sight until his belly is soon full of saltine crackers, corn chips and cereal. All very nutritious choices. :) Back to the story...last night he walked in the door to a wonderful house full of "baking" smells...he was so excited to see what it was I had created for dinner because again, he was starving! I was so proud to hand over a few dozen of his favorite oatmeal cookies...when he asked, "Wait, but what's for dinner?", I was a bit stunned...I had been so caught up in the after dinner dessert that I had altogether forgotten dinner itself! Gosh, at least that one didn't have to do with water...or did it?

- Okay...this last one is in honor of all those husbands living out the "sympathy pregnancy" symptoms. My husband has officially left the car keys to our beloved VW Vanagon in - yes, you guessed it - the ignition. Not once, not twice, but at least 4 times in the last couple months. Yesterday I was stuck at home because of these so called "lost keys". If only I didn't have pregnancy brain with him, or I would have remembered this bad little habit of his. I'm just thankful no one else has caught on to his bad habit or we may be absent of a very cool van :)

That's it for now. Third trimester here I come! If you think about us...pray that our (yes, Joseph too!) brains would begin to grow rather than shrink...otherwise we may forget we're pregnant all together!

Transition and Song :)

For those of you who know me well...you know that I've been in a a bit of a "desert" season for the last 3 years or so. So much has changed and shifted and been stripped away...I've cried more in these last 3 years than I probably have cried in my entire life put together! It's a long story and full of many ups and downs (which I'd be happy to share with you some day over a cup of coffee sitting on my porch - if only I wasn't in denial about my allergy to coffee - okay, tea!). Some of it was circumstantial (losing our daughter), but most of it was not...it was just God moving in and through my heart in a way that was desperately needed. Joseph has been an absolute life saver in the midst of it all...I'm thankful that God waited for such a time as this to allow me to wander through this desert with Joseph by my side - I honestly don't think I would have made it through to the other side without him!

All that to say - our sweet little boy has been a huge source of joy and life the last several months...living up to his name already! I guess I haven't shared with you his name yet! I had a few intense dreams back when I was still pregnant with Sarah. In the dream, I was giving birth to a beautiful, healthy little boy! This next part is a bit of an odd visual, but I had the Bible opened up between my legs to the book of James and I was literally pushing/delivering him through the book of James and into our arms :) What a dream, huh? In the dream, I heard the voice of God tell me that our little boy's name was River James Dalton. I've literally been given a River in the desert (Isaiah 43:19, "Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert."). The name James is also being lived out - "to take the place of" - which in this case, he has literally been taking the place of the pain, sorrow, deep sadness I've experienced in losing Sarah and my motherhood. He has been a true River of joy and peace in my belly...

A few weeks ago there was a visitor at church who played a song that totally wrecked me. I haven't really been moved by music in the last 3 years (serious desert!), but when this man started playing "How He Loves Us" I was totally undone. I can't remember if I blogged about it in an earlier entry...but I was doing great during the whole service, then at the end when this guy started playing the song, my heart broke and the mourning of Sarah was so fresh and real again. As I looked around me, there were literally about 8-10 little girls on all sides of me...some infants, some toddlers, but it didn't matter...the sadness came back like a tidal wave and I so badly wanted our little Sarah in my arms. I wanted to be the one holding our little girl. She should have been the one dressed up cute in the back row with little pink bows in her hair. It wrecked me. I know that mourning will be a life long process, so I'm thankful for little waves that God allows to wash over me ever so often...it reminds me that I'm human, that I'm weak and vulnerable and that only by His grace am I still standing in joy and peace.

I mention all this because a few days ago I heard the same song again. Something about this song kept washing over me and taking me to the core of my heart, my pain, my joy...I decided to look it up on You Tube and see who it was that wrote the song. I was amazed to listen to the story behind it and learn that the song was written for a friend who died...a friend whom this man missed terribly. A friend whose life was taken early, but with such great purpose. I like to believe this song is filled with Sarah's life too....maybe that's why it so moves my heart.

Here's the link to the video where the writer of the song shares his story...I'll attach another link below it with a version done by Kim Walker that I absolutely LOVE. I hope God moves in you as He did through me....enjoy :)

- John Mark McMillan's story about the song
- Kim Walker's version (love this one!)

23 weeks and counting...

A week shy of the 6th month mark and I'm definitely showing! I think its a combo of this being my second pregnancy (muscles are already used to pregnancy mode and don't have to be stretched out again) and the fact that I'm not throwing up everything I eat like the last pregnancy. It's definitely been a different journey with this little guy - I can hardly wait to have him in my arms - feels like July is ages away!

We set up the crib this last week and I can hardly stop looking at it :) It's something we didn't get to do with Sarah and having it set up is making the whole pregnancy that much more real. God willing, we get to take a baby home with us this time around!! The combination of my uncontrollable excitement with a bit of OCD when it comes to keeping a clean and organized house is definitely leading to a "prepared" nursery :) We're actually keeping everything to a bare minimum, as I'm a firm believer in simplicity...so many toys, products, etc are marketed to the baby world without there being a real need for the product. So we're sticking to the basics and we'll wing it from there.

Overall, Joseph and I are doing really well. The sadness and mourning that I thought would never lift from my heart, has definitely made itself more scarce this last month or so. I find myself overwhelmed with joy and laughter - enjoying things I haven't been able to enjoy for months now. It's been 11 months since Sarah passed and in some ways it feels like just yesterday. I'm so thankful for the journey we've been on...for the gift of our sweet little girl...and the light that I'm beginning to feel/see at the end of the tunnel :)

Not the most exciting blog entry, but I thought I'd fill you in on my belly/crib/baby excitement anyway! :)

Healthy, Perfect little BOY!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the prayers and support today! I felt crazy nerves all morning leading up to the appointment, but as soon as we parked and got out of the car - all the nerves left and I was totally at peace. The appointment was 100% different than last time. Everything out of his mouth was great news...he kept saying "perfect" as he scanned our sweet little boy head to toe. He's 11 inches long already and looks like he's going to be a lanky one :) Long arms and legs. We hardly got any good photos because he wouldn't sit still long enough to snap a picture! We do have one sweet profile picture of his face in 3D...I'll try to upload it sometime soon.

We are soooooo thankful. I feel like we jumped a HUGE hurdle today in this journey of healing. What a blessing to have a healthy little boy on the way. I can hardly wait for July to get here....

Thanks again for all the prayers....couldn't have done it without you!! Woooohoooo!! Time to celebrate :)

Learning to Grieve

(picture taken from Associated Press)

I'll never forget moments living overseas where I've experienced other cultures grieving the loss of loved ones. During one stint in South Africa, I lost my Grandfather to a quick battle with cancer. It was devastating, but he had lived a long life and had lost his wife only months before to the same deadly disease...so if I can even assume such a thing, I think he was ready. No matter the timing of death, it is always tragic and a loss to those left behind. My dear friend from Kenya (Chep) wrapped her arms around me after finding out the news of my Grandfather and she began to weep with me. Chep was so concerned that I wasn't taking the time I needed to mourn and grieve the loss. In her tribe in Kenya, families from miles away tear their clothes and walk to the home of the mourning family with gifts of food and drink. People will literally stop everything in order to join this mourning feast. They will eat and cry and sleep and eat and cry some more...this can last up to a month before they assume "living" again.

As Westerners, I feel like we often dust mourning under the rug because of its inconvenience and discomfort to our daily lives. It's not always convenient to not go to work...and half the time we don't have the luxury of stopping work anyway. We also just don't know how to mourn. I personally never experienced death until I was 24 years old and lost my grandparents. I didn't know what to do, or what was appropriate.

All this to say...losing Sarah has been an extreme learning curve!!

It's been 10 months since I gave birth to Sarah. I've definitely struggled with my grieving "time line", not knowing how long it will or should last. Lately, I feel as if I can go days and days without feeling a hint of the deep sadness that came with her death. However, the grieving has definitely come in waves. It's felt a bit like a roller coaster, with each drop into sadness being a bit easier to handle. This last week I experienced another wave of grieving that felt different from the rest. I was at church and was actually having a really good day. The last 15 minutes of the service the kids came flooding back into the sanctuary after kids church and I suddenly found myself surrounded by little girls. It wasn't just one or two, but literally about 8 beautiful little girls ranging in age from 4 months to 4 years. Something in me broke and the tears came like a flood...I was missing my little girl. The girl I never had the chance to wrap in pink or dress with cute bows in her hair. I felt a sudden jealousy (I think in a healthy way), wishing that things had turned out differently and that one of those little girls was mine. I've learned that "wishing" doesn't lead to much change...so it quickly passed, but the sadness stayed with me for about a week. I'm not kidding - driving down the street and seeing little girls walking on the sidewalk would send me into a river of tears right behind the steering wheel.

It's okay. I know that. I think I just feel the pressure of our Western world often telling me to "get over it" and "move on". I can honestly say, I know I'll miss my little girl until the day I myself die. It's only natural. And I think its healthy...not to sit in the sadness and pout in the "should haves" and "I deserves"....but to allow the waves to come naturally, without a fight. I've found that by riding these waves, each new wave is a bit easier to cope with. I'm thankful for that.

Today is our 20 week ultra sound with Dr. Soffici. The day has finally come. Thanks for all your prayers and support...I'll post soon to let you know how it goes. Thankfully, my heart is at peace :)

Healthy Heartbeat

Just a quick note...went to the doc today for my 18 week checkup and everything was great. The heartbeat was strong and healthy...it was like music to my ears after being sick for the last couple weeks! Babies are so tough, they really can endure tough situations thanks to the safety of the womb. Anyway, also found out that we have our "determining the sex" ultra sound on Feb. 26th, so that's exciting!! That's the appointment where we found out about Sarah's condition last time, so we're praying for some serious redemption this time around :) Just thought I'd let you know...thanks for reading!

Adventures at the County Clinic and Compassion

Okay. So, for the last two weeks I've been really sick. I'm sure half of you reading this can attest to having fought the same sickness, as it seems like everyone I know is getting it. Even my parents, 3 states away, both got it! It's the nasty migraine, sore throat, sore ears, cough like crazy until you throw up type of sickness. Not fun. I've been fighting it with sleep (when my cough doesn't keep me awake) and lots of water, but its been two weeks and I'm still coughing like crazy and feel like my head is going to explode. Seeing that I'm 17 weeks pregnant, I thought it would be a good idea to go get checked out - just to make sure its not bacterial.

I was in a mourning group after we lost Sarah. The group was made up of about 7 women who had lost children. Most of the women had lost children to miscarriages in the first trimester, but a few had similar stories to ours. One lady had recently lost a 12 year old son to a sudden onset of leukemia. After spending 9 months with my little girl in the womb, I felt unbelievable love and connection to her...I can't even fathom losing a child you've spent 12 years of memories with. Breaks my heart. Anyway, one of the women was 30 weeks along when she picked up just a common virus from one of her son's friends. It was a sickness her body fought off, but for some reason it got through to the baby and caused him to go into heart failure and die. At the loss of Sarah, I really felt like it was also a loss of my innocence...but hearing this brought it to a whole new level. Healthy, normal, ten finger and ten toe babies are seeming more and more like a rare miracle to me! Those of you who have been gifted with healthy children - it truly is a gift.

All that to say...after battling this sickness for 2 weeks, I thought it was about time to get checked out just to make sure the baby was okay and that it wasn't something bacterial that could cause an infection in the womb.

The appointment was fine, the doctor did a quick (5 minute) exam and ruled out anything bacterial. She gave me a prescription that is "safe" for pregnant women and told me to get better. I won't take the prescription, but am thankful to know its not bacterial. I'll just have to keep resting. The true adventure though, was the smorgasbord of people that filled the 6 (yes 6!) different waiting rooms I was shuffled through. You had migrant workers, homeless, mentally ill, elderly, felons (two different people in shackles with cops waiting beside them)...you name it, they were there. I've never experienced government medicine before - I hope to never experience it again. I was shocked at the state of our local government health system. Shelves were barely stocked, doctors were depressed, patients were desperate...I was praying that I'd leave there free of any more sickness than when I came! Who knows what you can catch in those waiting rooms. My heart broke as I witnessed those in need being treated just as that...the desperate, the lonely, the uneducated and poor.

Joseph and I have been studying a bunch about judgment lately. I hate how easily I judge, it comes so naturally that its as if its woven into our DNA as humans. I see a woman walking down State Street with a bunch of Saks Fifth Ave bags hanging from her shoulder and I immediately judge her for being selfish and not giving that money to the poor. I see a migrant worker and judge him uneducated just because of stereotypes. How dare me! Most of the time I'm not even consciously doing it. A huge lesson I've learned in all of this....judgement and compassion CANNOT co-exist. If I'm judging, I can't be walking in compassion. Ouch. To take it a step deeper, I learned last night that the root of compassion is the literal word "womb". We are called to carry others as if they were in a womb...a place of peace, rest, love and unconditional care. I learned so much from my Sarah - I learned how to love the unlovely, how to care for those who are deemed "lost" or "unworthy". After having that revelation about compassion and the womb, it seemed even more appropriate that Sarah survived as long as she did - she was not only surrounded by my physical care and love, but she was breathing in and out the very essence of compassion. I love that...and I want to do that for the people around me. I want to be in places like the County Clinic and have eyes that envelope people with compassion and a heart that pours from the River of Life...sweet love and care.

Lord, teach us how to love....how to not judge...and how to walk in compassion.