23 weeks and counting...

A week shy of the 6th month mark and I'm definitely showing! I think its a combo of this being my second pregnancy (muscles are already used to pregnancy mode and don't have to be stretched out again) and the fact that I'm not throwing up everything I eat like the last pregnancy. It's definitely been a different journey with this little guy - I can hardly wait to have him in my arms - feels like July is ages away!

We set up the crib this last week and I can hardly stop looking at it :) It's something we didn't get to do with Sarah and having it set up is making the whole pregnancy that much more real. God willing, we get to take a baby home with us this time around!! The combination of my uncontrollable excitement with a bit of OCD when it comes to keeping a clean and organized house is definitely leading to a "prepared" nursery :) We're actually keeping everything to a bare minimum, as I'm a firm believer in simplicity...so many toys, products, etc are marketed to the baby world without there being a real need for the product. So we're sticking to the basics and we'll wing it from there.

Overall, Joseph and I are doing really well. The sadness and mourning that I thought would never lift from my heart, has definitely made itself more scarce this last month or so. I find myself overwhelmed with joy and laughter - enjoying things I haven't been able to enjoy for months now. It's been 11 months since Sarah passed and in some ways it feels like just yesterday. I'm so thankful for the journey we've been on...for the gift of our sweet little girl...and the light that I'm beginning to feel/see at the end of the tunnel :)

Not the most exciting blog entry, but I thought I'd fill you in on my belly/crib/baby excitement anyway! :)

Healthy, Perfect little BOY!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the prayers and support today! I felt crazy nerves all morning leading up to the appointment, but as soon as we parked and got out of the car - all the nerves left and I was totally at peace. The appointment was 100% different than last time. Everything out of his mouth was great news...he kept saying "perfect" as he scanned our sweet little boy head to toe. He's 11 inches long already and looks like he's going to be a lanky one :) Long arms and legs. We hardly got any good photos because he wouldn't sit still long enough to snap a picture! We do have one sweet profile picture of his face in 3D...I'll try to upload it sometime soon.

We are soooooo thankful. I feel like we jumped a HUGE hurdle today in this journey of healing. What a blessing to have a healthy little boy on the way. I can hardly wait for July to get here....

Thanks again for all the prayers....couldn't have done it without you!! Woooohoooo!! Time to celebrate :)

Learning to Grieve

(picture taken from Associated Press)

I'll never forget moments living overseas where I've experienced other cultures grieving the loss of loved ones. During one stint in South Africa, I lost my Grandfather to a quick battle with cancer. It was devastating, but he had lived a long life and had lost his wife only months before to the same deadly disease...so if I can even assume such a thing, I think he was ready. No matter the timing of death, it is always tragic and a loss to those left behind. My dear friend from Kenya (Chep) wrapped her arms around me after finding out the news of my Grandfather and she began to weep with me. Chep was so concerned that I wasn't taking the time I needed to mourn and grieve the loss. In her tribe in Kenya, families from miles away tear their clothes and walk to the home of the mourning family with gifts of food and drink. People will literally stop everything in order to join this mourning feast. They will eat and cry and sleep and eat and cry some more...this can last up to a month before they assume "living" again.

As Westerners, I feel like we often dust mourning under the rug because of its inconvenience and discomfort to our daily lives. It's not always convenient to not go to work...and half the time we don't have the luxury of stopping work anyway. We also just don't know how to mourn. I personally never experienced death until I was 24 years old and lost my grandparents. I didn't know what to do, or what was appropriate.

All this to say...losing Sarah has been an extreme learning curve!!

It's been 10 months since I gave birth to Sarah. I've definitely struggled with my grieving "time line", not knowing how long it will or should last. Lately, I feel as if I can go days and days without feeling a hint of the deep sadness that came with her death. However, the grieving has definitely come in waves. It's felt a bit like a roller coaster, with each drop into sadness being a bit easier to handle. This last week I experienced another wave of grieving that felt different from the rest. I was at church and was actually having a really good day. The last 15 minutes of the service the kids came flooding back into the sanctuary after kids church and I suddenly found myself surrounded by little girls. It wasn't just one or two, but literally about 8 beautiful little girls ranging in age from 4 months to 4 years. Something in me broke and the tears came like a flood...I was missing my little girl. The girl I never had the chance to wrap in pink or dress with cute bows in her hair. I felt a sudden jealousy (I think in a healthy way), wishing that things had turned out differently and that one of those little girls was mine. I've learned that "wishing" doesn't lead to much change...so it quickly passed, but the sadness stayed with me for about a week. I'm not kidding - driving down the street and seeing little girls walking on the sidewalk would send me into a river of tears right behind the steering wheel.

It's okay. I know that. I think I just feel the pressure of our Western world often telling me to "get over it" and "move on". I can honestly say, I know I'll miss my little girl until the day I myself die. It's only natural. And I think its healthy...not to sit in the sadness and pout in the "should haves" and "I deserves"....but to allow the waves to come naturally, without a fight. I've found that by riding these waves, each new wave is a bit easier to cope with. I'm thankful for that.

Today is our 20 week ultra sound with Dr. Soffici. The day has finally come. Thanks for all your prayers and support...I'll post soon to let you know how it goes. Thankfully, my heart is at peace :)

Healthy Heartbeat

Just a quick note...went to the doc today for my 18 week checkup and everything was great. The heartbeat was strong and healthy...it was like music to my ears after being sick for the last couple weeks! Babies are so tough, they really can endure tough situations thanks to the safety of the womb. Anyway, also found out that we have our "determining the sex" ultra sound on Feb. 26th, so that's exciting!! That's the appointment where we found out about Sarah's condition last time, so we're praying for some serious redemption this time around :) Just thought I'd let you know...thanks for reading!

Adventures at the County Clinic and Compassion

Okay. So, for the last two weeks I've been really sick. I'm sure half of you reading this can attest to having fought the same sickness, as it seems like everyone I know is getting it. Even my parents, 3 states away, both got it! It's the nasty migraine, sore throat, sore ears, cough like crazy until you throw up type of sickness. Not fun. I've been fighting it with sleep (when my cough doesn't keep me awake) and lots of water, but its been two weeks and I'm still coughing like crazy and feel like my head is going to explode. Seeing that I'm 17 weeks pregnant, I thought it would be a good idea to go get checked out - just to make sure its not bacterial.

I was in a mourning group after we lost Sarah. The group was made up of about 7 women who had lost children. Most of the women had lost children to miscarriages in the first trimester, but a few had similar stories to ours. One lady had recently lost a 12 year old son to a sudden onset of leukemia. After spending 9 months with my little girl in the womb, I felt unbelievable love and connection to her...I can't even fathom losing a child you've spent 12 years of memories with. Breaks my heart. Anyway, one of the women was 30 weeks along when she picked up just a common virus from one of her son's friends. It was a sickness her body fought off, but for some reason it got through to the baby and caused him to go into heart failure and die. At the loss of Sarah, I really felt like it was also a loss of my innocence...but hearing this brought it to a whole new level. Healthy, normal, ten finger and ten toe babies are seeming more and more like a rare miracle to me! Those of you who have been gifted with healthy children - it truly is a gift.

All that to say...after battling this sickness for 2 weeks, I thought it was about time to get checked out just to make sure the baby was okay and that it wasn't something bacterial that could cause an infection in the womb.

The appointment was fine, the doctor did a quick (5 minute) exam and ruled out anything bacterial. She gave me a prescription that is "safe" for pregnant women and told me to get better. I won't take the prescription, but am thankful to know its not bacterial. I'll just have to keep resting. The true adventure though, was the smorgasbord of people that filled the 6 (yes 6!) different waiting rooms I was shuffled through. You had migrant workers, homeless, mentally ill, elderly, felons (two different people in shackles with cops waiting beside them)...you name it, they were there. I've never experienced government medicine before - I hope to never experience it again. I was shocked at the state of our local government health system. Shelves were barely stocked, doctors were depressed, patients were desperate...I was praying that I'd leave there free of any more sickness than when I came! Who knows what you can catch in those waiting rooms. My heart broke as I witnessed those in need being treated just as that...the desperate, the lonely, the uneducated and poor.

Joseph and I have been studying a bunch about judgment lately. I hate how easily I judge, it comes so naturally that its as if its woven into our DNA as humans. I see a woman walking down State Street with a bunch of Saks Fifth Ave bags hanging from her shoulder and I immediately judge her for being selfish and not giving that money to the poor. I see a migrant worker and judge him uneducated just because of stereotypes. How dare me! Most of the time I'm not even consciously doing it. A huge lesson I've learned in all of this....judgement and compassion CANNOT co-exist. If I'm judging, I can't be walking in compassion. Ouch. To take it a step deeper, I learned last night that the root of compassion is the literal word "womb". We are called to carry others as if they were in a womb...a place of peace, rest, love and unconditional care. I learned so much from my Sarah - I learned how to love the unlovely, how to care for those who are deemed "lost" or "unworthy". After having that revelation about compassion and the womb, it seemed even more appropriate that Sarah survived as long as she did - she was not only surrounded by my physical care and love, but she was breathing in and out the very essence of compassion. I love that...and I want to do that for the people around me. I want to be in places like the County Clinic and have eyes that envelope people with compassion and a heart that pours from the River of Life...sweet love and care.

Lord, teach us how to love....how to not judge...and how to walk in compassion.

Baby Dalton #2

At the beginning of the month we had our 3 month ultra sound for little Dalton #2 and it went great. It never fails that on the way to the doctor my stomach gets tied into knots and I feel like I'm going to lose whatever I just ate! Every doctor appointment with Sarah was stressful and hard. We'd pray and prepare our hearts just to go in, knowing that it most likely wouldn't be good news. We chose to stay in a place of hope, knowing God was bigger...but the reality of disappointment is still real. Its funny, because my heart went into this particular doctor appointment really excited and hopeful, but its as if my body knows just by the route we're driving that we're about to embark on another dreaded doctor day. Ha.

It was a little disappointing because most of the appointment was spent talking about the last pregnancy and the chances of that happening again, etc. We know that what Sarah had wasn't genetic, but we also know that bad things happen - its just life...and just because it happened to us once, doesn't mean it can't happen again. So in the midst of hope, we're also being real. Don't get me wrong, we're not expecting anything to be wrong...we're just living life and taking it day by day...and let me tell you, we are extremely thankful for each day :)

It was such a relief to see our little one on the ultra sound when the time finally came. It was a quick encounter, but definitely worth the wait! He/she was all curled up in fetal position and at one point had his/her hand resting on his cheek. Too cute! (okay, the whole "his/her" thing is too hard, or maybe I'm just lazy...haha, but we have a hunch its a boy so I'll just go with that!) The picture above isn't the greatest - its a picture from below him...so you're looking at the back of his head on the left, then the back of the little shoulders and then his back...the legs and arms are tucked in. I know, not super exciting....but I wanted to share it with you anyway! You all have been such an encouragement and a support to us in this season. I love knowing that we're not alone...and each time I see a comment I'm shocked that people are actually still reading this! Our little Sarah is still living on in our hearts and I'm thankful to keep this page going as well. I know she's probably excited to be sharing it now with her little sibling to come :)

A few things I'm especially excited for this time around:
1. Baby showers!!
2. Actually registering for baby stuff
3. Being able to relate with other pregnant moms in their excitement
4. Preparing our house for a baby and not having to put it all away after the big day
5. Taking the baby stuff out of the closet...every time I walk by this particular closet I get a bit sad knowing that all these precious baby clothes and gifts are stuffed away.
6. Hearing our little one cry...just thinking about it makes me cry!
7. The joy of breast feeding and not having to endure the pain of letting my milk dry up like last time...
8. And finally...leaving the hospital with a child in my arms, wow...what a gift that will be

My New Year....

Today is January 7th. The day that rocked my world one year ago. Joseph and I got up and made a special breakfast. It was going to be a good day. The cabin was cold and we had a fire going, nothing like waking up to a fire on a frosty mountain morning. It was the day we were to find out the sex of our child! We had just come back from a CO Christmas where we had received a HD Video Camera for Christmas...we were so excited to use it. So excited to start documenting our beautiful child's life. Today was the beginning. We got ready. Got the camera rolling. I was especially excited....I had remembered several dreams about this little child and I was sure it was a girl. Everything in me knew. But I also had a gut feeling that something wasn't quite right. Even from the beginning...the very first pregnancy test...my heart knew something was wrong. This day only confirmed it.

We had the video camera rolling the entire drive down the mountain. It was a beautiful day. The ocean was glassy and the islands were especially crisp and clear. We had Red House Painters playing in the background...it couldn't have been more peaceful, more serine. We eventually made our way to Dr. Soffici's office - his name still haunts me...he was the bearer of ALL bad news throughout our whole journey with Sarah. After parking, Joseph got the camera rolling again as I shyly spoke into the lense to tell of our mornings adventure. We were about to find out if we were having a little boy or girl. I was nervous. He continued filming as I climbed the steps up to the doctors office. Told the receptionist my name. Sat down in the waiting area among other pregnant women. I never felt like I fit in. They were huge...glowing with excitement with bellies that looked like they were about to pop. I was already 5 months along and still hardly showing. Something in my gut knew there was something off....something wrong.

Eventually they called my name and we stumbled back into his office. I laid out on the table, showing my non-existant belly as he grabbed the bottle of jelly and squeezed. Joseph tried to get the video camera rolling again, but for some odd reason the battery had died. By the grace of God.

The next few moments were moments I'll never forget. As I watched the screen and saw what looked like a beautiful little girl, the doctor went on to say things like, "Oh no" and "I'm so sorry". I turned cold and white. Joseph put his jacket over me to try and stop the shivering. I was in shock. My baby was going to die. The doctor advised us to abort soon.

We left with tears in our eyes, shaking bodies and sunken hearts. I remember looking out at the women in the waiting room with such sadness. They were having healthy babies. Mine had just had a death sentence spoken over her. Life would never be the same...

That was the beginning of our year. It was the beginning of a crazy year of hope and faith, as well as death and loss...depression and doubts. Nothing in me would take it all back. Nothing in me would trade our journey with my sweet little girl for the comfortable life. She was our first born. Our Sarah...

I'm considering today my New Years Eve...and tomorrow the beginning of a whole NEW year. Ironically, tomorrow I go in for my first ultra sound for this new little one within me. I'm only 14 weeks along, but it will be refreshing to see our little one moving and kicking around. I can't say I don't have some fear and worry in me...but I've learned through all this to not expect anything. I'm not expecting a perfect child to be placed in my arms at the end of this pregnancy, but I'm also not expecting the worst to happen again. Instead, I'm allowing my heart to rest in peace and just take things one day at a time. There's no other way to live...

So...Happy New Year to those who have continued to read our blog. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your prayers. I can only hope that this new year will hold more joy and laughter than the last....