Friday, February 6, 2009
Healthy Heartbeat
Just a quick note...went to the doc today for my 18 week checkup and everything was great. The heartbeat was strong and healthy...it was like music to my ears after being sick for the last couple weeks! Babies are so tough, they really can endure tough situations thanks to the safety of the womb. Anyway, also found out that we have our "determining the sex" ultra sound on Feb. 26th, so that's exciting!! That's the appointment where we found out about Sarah's condition last time, so we're praying for some serious redemption this time around :) Just thought I'd let you know...thanks for reading!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Adventures at the County Clinic and Compassion
Okay. So, for the last two weeks I've been really sick. I'm sure half of you reading this can attest to having fought the same sickness, as it seems like everyone I know is getting it. Even my parents, 3 states away, both got it! It's the nasty migraine, sore throat, sore ears, cough like crazy until you throw up type of sickness. Not fun. I've been fighting it with sleep (when my cough doesn't keep me awake) and lots of water, but its been two weeks and I'm still coughing like crazy and feel like my head is going to explode. Seeing that I'm 17 weeks pregnant, I thought it would be a good idea to go get checked out - just to make sure its not bacterial.
I was in a mourning group after we lost Sarah. The group was made up of about 7 women who had lost children. Most of the women had lost children to miscarriages in the first trimester, but a few had similar stories to ours. One lady had recently lost a 12 year old son to a sudden onset of leukemia. After spending 9 months with my little girl in the womb, I felt unbelievable love and connection to her...I can't even fathom losing a child you've spent 12 years of memories with. Breaks my heart. Anyway, one of the women was 30 weeks along when she picked up just a common virus from one of her son's friends. It was a sickness her body fought off, but for some reason it got through to the baby and caused him to go into heart failure and die. At the loss of Sarah, I really felt like it was also a loss of my innocence...but hearing this brought it to a whole new level. Healthy, normal, ten finger and ten toe babies are seeming more and more like a rare miracle to me! Those of you who have been gifted with healthy children - it truly is a gift.
All that to say...after battling this sickness for 2 weeks, I thought it was about time to get checked out just to make sure the baby was okay and that it wasn't something bacterial that could cause an infection in the womb.
The appointment was fine, the doctor did a quick (5 minute) exam and ruled out anything bacterial. She gave me a prescription that is "safe" for pregnant women and told me to get better. I won't take the prescription, but am thankful to know its not bacterial. I'll just have to keep resting. The true adventure though, was the smorgasbord of people that filled the 6 (yes 6!) different waiting rooms I was shuffled through. You had migrant workers, homeless, mentally ill, elderly, felons (two different people in shackles with cops waiting beside them)...you name it, they were there. I've never experienced government medicine before - I hope to never experience it again. I was shocked at the state of our local government health system. Shelves were barely stocked, doctors were depressed, patients were desperate...I was praying that I'd leave there free of any more sickness than when I came! Who knows what you can catch in those waiting rooms. My heart broke as I witnessed those in need being treated just as that...the desperate, the lonely, the uneducated and poor.
Joseph and I have been studying a bunch about judgment lately. I hate how easily I judge, it comes so naturally that its as if its woven into our DNA as humans. I see a woman walking down State Street with a bunch of Saks Fifth Ave bags hanging from her shoulder and I immediately judge her for being selfish and not giving that money to the poor. I see a migrant worker and judge him uneducated just because of stereotypes. How dare me! Most of the time I'm not even consciously doing it. A huge lesson I've learned in all of this....judgement and compassion CANNOT co-exist. If I'm judging, I can't be walking in compassion. Ouch. To take it a step deeper, I learned last night that the root of compassion is the literal word "womb". We are called to carry others as if they were in a womb...a place of peace, rest, love and unconditional care. I learned so much from my Sarah - I learned how to love the unlovely, how to care for those who are deemed "lost" or "unworthy". After having that revelation about compassion and the womb, it seemed even more appropriate that Sarah survived as long as she did - she was not only surrounded by my physical care and love, but she was breathing in and out the very essence of compassion. I love that...and I want to do that for the people around me. I want to be in places like the County Clinic and have eyes that envelope people with compassion and a heart that pours from the River of Life...sweet love and care.
Lord, teach us how to love....how to not judge...and how to walk in compassion.
I was in a mourning group after we lost Sarah. The group was made up of about 7 women who had lost children. Most of the women had lost children to miscarriages in the first trimester, but a few had similar stories to ours. One lady had recently lost a 12 year old son to a sudden onset of leukemia. After spending 9 months with my little girl in the womb, I felt unbelievable love and connection to her...I can't even fathom losing a child you've spent 12 years of memories with. Breaks my heart. Anyway, one of the women was 30 weeks along when she picked up just a common virus from one of her son's friends. It was a sickness her body fought off, but for some reason it got through to the baby and caused him to go into heart failure and die. At the loss of Sarah, I really felt like it was also a loss of my innocence...but hearing this brought it to a whole new level. Healthy, normal, ten finger and ten toe babies are seeming more and more like a rare miracle to me! Those of you who have been gifted with healthy children - it truly is a gift.
All that to say...after battling this sickness for 2 weeks, I thought it was about time to get checked out just to make sure the baby was okay and that it wasn't something bacterial that could cause an infection in the womb.
The appointment was fine, the doctor did a quick (5 minute) exam and ruled out anything bacterial. She gave me a prescription that is "safe" for pregnant women and told me to get better. I won't take the prescription, but am thankful to know its not bacterial. I'll just have to keep resting. The true adventure though, was the smorgasbord of people that filled the 6 (yes 6!) different waiting rooms I was shuffled through. You had migrant workers, homeless, mentally ill, elderly, felons (two different people in shackles with cops waiting beside them)...you name it, they were there. I've never experienced government medicine before - I hope to never experience it again. I was shocked at the state of our local government health system. Shelves were barely stocked, doctors were depressed, patients were desperate...I was praying that I'd leave there free of any more sickness than when I came! Who knows what you can catch in those waiting rooms. My heart broke as I witnessed those in need being treated just as that...the desperate, the lonely, the uneducated and poor.
Joseph and I have been studying a bunch about judgment lately. I hate how easily I judge, it comes so naturally that its as if its woven into our DNA as humans. I see a woman walking down State Street with a bunch of Saks Fifth Ave bags hanging from her shoulder and I immediately judge her for being selfish and not giving that money to the poor. I see a migrant worker and judge him uneducated just because of stereotypes. How dare me! Most of the time I'm not even consciously doing it. A huge lesson I've learned in all of this....judgement and compassion CANNOT co-exist. If I'm judging, I can't be walking in compassion. Ouch. To take it a step deeper, I learned last night that the root of compassion is the literal word "womb". We are called to carry others as if they were in a womb...a place of peace, rest, love and unconditional care. I learned so much from my Sarah - I learned how to love the unlovely, how to care for those who are deemed "lost" or "unworthy". After having that revelation about compassion and the womb, it seemed even more appropriate that Sarah survived as long as she did - she was not only surrounded by my physical care and love, but she was breathing in and out the very essence of compassion. I love that...and I want to do that for the people around me. I want to be in places like the County Clinic and have eyes that envelope people with compassion and a heart that pours from the River of Life...sweet love and care.
Lord, teach us how to love....how to not judge...and how to walk in compassion.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Baby Dalton #2
At the beginning of the month we had our 3 month ultra sound for little Dalton #2 and it went great. It never fails that on the way to the doctor my stomach gets tied into knots and I feel like I'm going to lose whatever I just ate! Every doctor appointment with Sarah was stressful and hard. We'd pray and prepare our hearts just to go in, knowing that it most likely wouldn't be good news. We chose to stay in a place of hope, knowing God was bigger...but the reality of disappointment is still real. Its funny, because my heart went into this particular doctor appointment really excited and hopeful, but its as if my body knows just by the route we're driving that we're about to embark on another dreaded doctor day. Ha.
It was a little disappointing because most of the appointment was spent talking about the last pregnancy and the chances of that happening again, etc. We know that what Sarah had wasn't genetic, but we also know that bad things happen - its just life...and just because it happened to us once, doesn't mean it can't happen again. So in the midst of hope, we're also being real. Don't get me wrong, we're not expecting anything to be wrong...we're just living life and taking it day by day...and let me tell you, we are extremely thankful for each day :)
It was such a relief to see our little one on the ultra sound when the time finally came. It was a quick encounter, but definitely worth the wait! He/she was all curled up in fetal position and at one point had his/her hand resting on his cheek. Too cute! (okay, the whole "his/her" thing is too hard, or maybe I'm just lazy...haha, but we have a hunch its a boy so I'll just go with that!) The picture above isn't the greatest - its a picture from below him...so you're looking at the back of his head on the left, then the back of the little shoulders and then his back...the legs and arms are tucked in. I know, not super exciting....but I wanted to share it with you anyway! You all have been such an encouragement and a support to us in this season. I love knowing that we're not alone...and each time I see a comment I'm shocked that people are actually still reading this! Our little Sarah is still living on in our hearts and I'm thankful to keep this page going as well. I know she's probably excited to be sharing it now with her little sibling to come :)
A few things I'm especially excited for this time around:
1. Baby showers!!
2. Actually registering for baby stuff
3. Being able to relate with other pregnant moms in their excitement
4. Preparing our house for a baby and not having to put it all away after the big day
5. Taking the baby stuff out of the closet...every time I walk by this particular closet I get a bit sad knowing that all these precious baby clothes and gifts are stuffed away.
6. Hearing our little one cry...just thinking about it makes me cry!
7. The joy of breast feeding and not having to endure the pain of letting my milk dry up like last time...
8. And finally...leaving the hospital with a child in my arms, wow...what a gift that will be
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
My New Year....
Today is January 7th. The day that rocked my world one year ago. Joseph and I got up and made a special breakfast. It was going to be a good day. The cabin was cold and we had a fire going, nothing like waking up to a fire on a frosty mountain morning. It was the day we were to find out the sex of our child! We had just come back from a CO Christmas where we had received a HD Video Camera for Christmas...we were so excited to use it. So excited to start documenting our beautiful child's life. Today was the beginning. We got ready. Got the camera rolling. I was especially excited....I had remembered several dreams about this little child and I was sure it was a girl. Everything in me knew. But I also had a gut feeling that something wasn't quite right. Even from the beginning...the very first pregnancy test...my heart knew something was wrong. This day only confirmed it.
We had the video camera rolling the entire drive down the mountain. It was a beautiful day. The ocean was glassy and the islands were especially crisp and clear. We had Red House Painters playing in the background...it couldn't have been more peaceful, more serine. We eventually made our way to Dr. Soffici's office - his name still haunts me...he was the bearer of ALL bad news throughout our whole journey with Sarah. After parking, Joseph got the camera rolling again as I shyly spoke into the lense to tell of our mornings adventure. We were about to find out if we were having a little boy or girl. I was nervous. He continued filming as I climbed the steps up to the doctors office. Told the receptionist my name. Sat down in the waiting area among other pregnant women. I never felt like I fit in. They were huge...glowing with excitement with bellies that looked like they were about to pop. I was already 5 months along and still hardly showing. Something in my gut knew there was something off....something wrong.
Eventually they called my name and we stumbled back into his office. I laid out on the table, showing my non-existant belly as he grabbed the bottle of jelly and squeezed. Joseph tried to get the video camera rolling again, but for some odd reason the battery had died. By the grace of God.
The next few moments were moments I'll never forget. As I watched the screen and saw what looked like a beautiful little girl, the doctor went on to say things like, "Oh no" and "I'm so sorry". I turned cold and white. Joseph put his jacket over me to try and stop the shivering. I was in shock. My baby was going to die. The doctor advised us to abort soon.
We left with tears in our eyes, shaking bodies and sunken hearts. I remember looking out at the women in the waiting room with such sadness. They were having healthy babies. Mine had just had a death sentence spoken over her. Life would never be the same...
That was the beginning of our year. It was the beginning of a crazy year of hope and faith, as well as death and loss...depression and doubts. Nothing in me would take it all back. Nothing in me would trade our journey with my sweet little girl for the comfortable life. She was our first born. Our Sarah...
I'm considering today my New Years Eve...and tomorrow the beginning of a whole NEW year. Ironically, tomorrow I go in for my first ultra sound for this new little one within me. I'm only 14 weeks along, but it will be refreshing to see our little one moving and kicking around. I can't say I don't have some fear and worry in me...but I've learned through all this to not expect anything. I'm not expecting a perfect child to be placed in my arms at the end of this pregnancy, but I'm also not expecting the worst to happen again. Instead, I'm allowing my heart to rest in peace and just take things one day at a time. There's no other way to live...
So...Happy New Year to those who have continued to read our blog. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your prayers. I can only hope that this new year will hold more joy and laughter than the last....
We had the video camera rolling the entire drive down the mountain. It was a beautiful day. The ocean was glassy and the islands were especially crisp and clear. We had Red House Painters playing in the background...it couldn't have been more peaceful, more serine. We eventually made our way to Dr. Soffici's office - his name still haunts me...he was the bearer of ALL bad news throughout our whole journey with Sarah. After parking, Joseph got the camera rolling again as I shyly spoke into the lense to tell of our mornings adventure. We were about to find out if we were having a little boy or girl. I was nervous. He continued filming as I climbed the steps up to the doctors office. Told the receptionist my name. Sat down in the waiting area among other pregnant women. I never felt like I fit in. They were huge...glowing with excitement with bellies that looked like they were about to pop. I was already 5 months along and still hardly showing. Something in my gut knew there was something off....something wrong.
Eventually they called my name and we stumbled back into his office. I laid out on the table, showing my non-existant belly as he grabbed the bottle of jelly and squeezed. Joseph tried to get the video camera rolling again, but for some odd reason the battery had died. By the grace of God.
The next few moments were moments I'll never forget. As I watched the screen and saw what looked like a beautiful little girl, the doctor went on to say things like, "Oh no" and "I'm so sorry". I turned cold and white. Joseph put his jacket over me to try and stop the shivering. I was in shock. My baby was going to die. The doctor advised us to abort soon.
We left with tears in our eyes, shaking bodies and sunken hearts. I remember looking out at the women in the waiting room with such sadness. They were having healthy babies. Mine had just had a death sentence spoken over her. Life would never be the same...
That was the beginning of our year. It was the beginning of a crazy year of hope and faith, as well as death and loss...depression and doubts. Nothing in me would take it all back. Nothing in me would trade our journey with my sweet little girl for the comfortable life. She was our first born. Our Sarah...
I'm considering today my New Years Eve...and tomorrow the beginning of a whole NEW year. Ironically, tomorrow I go in for my first ultra sound for this new little one within me. I'm only 14 weeks along, but it will be refreshing to see our little one moving and kicking around. I can't say I don't have some fear and worry in me...but I've learned through all this to not expect anything. I'm not expecting a perfect child to be placed in my arms at the end of this pregnancy, but I'm also not expecting the worst to happen again. Instead, I'm allowing my heart to rest in peace and just take things one day at a time. There's no other way to live...
So...Happy New Year to those who have continued to read our blog. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your prayers. I can only hope that this new year will hold more joy and laughter than the last....
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Dear Sarah,
I'm really missing you today. We had a house full of guests over the holidays...all of your family was here running around like crazy, enjoying the festivities of your Auntie's engagement and a Thanksgiving feast! Ellie and Nicholas were here too...they would have really loved you. You would have loved them. They were busy playing with trucks and dolls and exploring the backyard. Ellie and I combed the beach for sea glass and ran from the waves before they touched our feet. I didn't realize how much I was missing you in all of this until everyone left...until the house was quiet again. It was then I realized what we're missing in not having you here.
I had dreamed of your joy and laughter and even cries filling our little house. Every space would have been occupied with your presence...with your life. Now, we sit empty...and after having the kids here for a week, my heart grieves even more the silence that embodies us.
For the most part we're doing really well. Your memorial service was so healing. I didn't want to let that dove go...I felt I was finally letting you go...but after releasing it and watching it join the rest of the flock, I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. Thanks for being there with us. Thanks for showing up. I feel the reality of your heavenly presence even more now than I did before. Your ashes are no longer sitting on our book shelf and your baby blanket is no longer in view. My heart deeply misses you, but I'm thankful to have stepped further into healing.
Another change is that we're pregnant again! We're not sure whether we're 2 or 3 months along - we still have to visit the doctor - but its exciting none the less :) I know that this child will never replace you, but only add to our family. I've been pushing away the fears that something is wrong with this child too. The pregnancy has been relatively easy so far compared to when I carried you, so in some ways it feels too good to be true. Hopefully it is just the grace of God.
I miss you my sweet girl. I miss the sounds that never came from your beautiful mouth. I miss the memories that will never be....but I'm thankful for the time I did have with you. I'm thankful that you are safe and comfortable, away from the pain and struggle of this world. I'm thankful for you.
With all my heart,
Your Mommy
I had dreamed of your joy and laughter and even cries filling our little house. Every space would have been occupied with your presence...with your life. Now, we sit empty...and after having the kids here for a week, my heart grieves even more the silence that embodies us.
For the most part we're doing really well. Your memorial service was so healing. I didn't want to let that dove go...I felt I was finally letting you go...but after releasing it and watching it join the rest of the flock, I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. Thanks for being there with us. Thanks for showing up. I feel the reality of your heavenly presence even more now than I did before. Your ashes are no longer sitting on our book shelf and your baby blanket is no longer in view. My heart deeply misses you, but I'm thankful to have stepped further into healing.
Another change is that we're pregnant again! We're not sure whether we're 2 or 3 months along - we still have to visit the doctor - but its exciting none the less :) I know that this child will never replace you, but only add to our family. I've been pushing away the fears that something is wrong with this child too. The pregnancy has been relatively easy so far compared to when I carried you, so in some ways it feels too good to be true. Hopefully it is just the grace of God.
I miss you my sweet girl. I miss the sounds that never came from your beautiful mouth. I miss the memories that will never be....but I'm thankful for the time I did have with you. I'm thankful that you are safe and comfortable, away from the pain and struggle of this world. I'm thankful for you.
With all my heart,
Your Mommy
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Memorial Service for Sarah Elizabeth...
Hello again,
It's been a while since we have written concerning Sarah Elizabeth. Six months have passed since her birth and we have slowly been moving forward in healing and restoration of our hearts. We have decided that it is time to do a memorial service. We questioned doing one at all, but have found that our hearts really need this closure.
It is not necessary to wear the traditional "black" - just come as you are, there is no need to dress up unless you want to.
Thank you. We really look forward to seeing you there.
Joseph and Jennifer Dalton
It's been a while since we have written concerning Sarah Elizabeth. Six months have passed since her birth and we have slowly been moving forward in healing and restoration of our hearts. We have decided that it is time to do a memorial service. We questioned doing one at all, but have found that our hearts really need this closure.
We wanted to extend an open invitation to anyone who would like to come. The service is at noon, it will be a simple and short service to honor God and to honor Sarah. We chose this time for those that may be working so you can stop by on your lunch break.
Memorial Service for Sarah Elizabeth Dalton
Friday, November 21st, 2008 at twelve o'clock noon
Santa Barbara Cemetery
901 Channel Dr
Santa Barbara, CA 93108
Friday, November 21st, 2008 at twelve o'clock noon
Santa Barbara Cemetery
901 Channel Dr
Santa Barbara, CA 93108
It is not necessary to wear the traditional "black" - just come as you are, there is no need to dress up unless you want to.
Thank you. We really look forward to seeing you there.
Joseph and Jennifer Dalton
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