the Sarah pages...

Nanna and Poppa's House

2010-04-25T06:52:00.000-07:00

We're in Colorado visiting Nanna and Poppa and they have.....stairs! River's been loving them. Here's proof:

Growing fast...

2010-04-20T06:43:00.000-07:00

April 17, 2010: Sarah would be two now. Here's a picture of Joseph and River where we buried her ashes, along with some flowers my parents sent for her. It was a really hard day, harder than we expected actually. A lot of healing has taken place in our hearts, but something in us still can't shake the "unfinished" feeling. Maybe we'll carry it with us forever, who knows...we sure do wish she was here with us. River would have loved having a big sister!

River is quickly on his way to being mobile! He's scooting around, but not quite crawling yet. It's fun watching him change and grow...and the smallest accomplishments feel so big! This is a picture of him standing in the VW on a camping trip we were on up north.

River has pets! Well, kindof. Joseph and I worked night and day building a chicken coop and getting our yard ready for 6 hens. River LOVES them, plus we're loving the 6 fresh eggs we're getting every day. We live just blocks away from the ocean in a family oriented neighborhood, but something about these chickens in our yard transformed our "urban" feeling home to a "ranch" feel. We're loving it! We call them the ladies...each one has been named as well, but every morning when we go to let them out of the coop River is beside himself with excitement. What a fun adventure its been! Next stop, the veggie garden. (isn't River looking so grown up!?)

Time flies...

2010-03-17T21:46:00.001-07:00

Well, River is 8 months old now! The older he gets, the more time consuming he is (which is fun and tiring!). I used to be able to get some posts in while he napped the day away...these days he takes 2 naps, and its usually time for me to run around and clean the house, do laundry, wash dishes, try to remember to eat, etc etc. Most of you have already experienced this yourself...its a full time job being a mom! Anyway, just wanted to add some pictures of him from a couple days ago. He's turning into such a little boy...don't know where my baby has gone! Time really does fly when you're having fun....

We're so thankful :)

River Jam Session

2009-12-21T08:57:00.000-08:00

River LOVES music. He especially loves when Joseph plays the drum for him...its almost like electricity gets built up in his body and he just wants to explode! The videos are a little long (around 3min), I made them for my parents but decided to share them on here as well. Tommy and Joseph played music for River last night and he was in heaven. He does this funny thing where he opens and shuts his mouth to the beat...its like its his way of contributing to the jam session. Haha. We were getting a kick out of it. Anyway, hope you enjoy. The videos can be accessed by the three links below. Love you all!

River Jam Session I

River Jam Session II

River Jam Session III

5 month picture update!

2009-12-12T17:02:00.000-08:00

Thankful

2009-11-29T19:54:00.000-08:00

So much to be thankful for. River has been such a gift from God in the midst of this holiday season. It doesn't seem to matter how much time has passed, I still feel the absence of Sarah a bit stronger during the holidays. At times, it feels like our family is missing something - someone. I load up the car with River and have a feeling of absence, knowing his big sister isn't crawling into the car with us. There's a family we know at church who gave birth to their daughter a few days before I gave birth to Sarah. She's walking and talking...always dressed in cute little dresses with her hair in blonde pigtails...a constant reminder to my heart of how big Sarah would be if she hadn't died. Sarah and River would have had so much fun together.

I can't help but overflow with joy when I look at River. He's constantly laughing and smiling, filling our house with the sounds that I so longed for these last so many months. Our house never felt more quiet after losing Sarah. The silence was intensely painful. In the same way, River's joy has been intensely beautiful. He has seriously been such a river in the desert...a source of life and laughter. Joy is so healing. His love is so pure and real.

I was reminded over Thanksgiving just how vulnerable and precious our lives are. Losing Sarah has allowed Joseph and I a place of such gratitude in our hearts...the little guy could be crying at his absolute worst and I still well up with gratitude. I just can't take him for granted...I can't. I waited and fought and cried and experienced such loss....he is a gift that I get to open and re-open every single day of his life. What a beautiful thing life is.

How precious our lives are.

How thankful I am for my family.

How thankful I am for the gift of life and gratitude.

Breathing scare, flu and teething....oh my!

2009-11-19T18:54:00.000-08:00

Okay. I promised to write on here sooner, but once again time has slipped by. Joseph happens to be at work and River is down for a nap, so I thought I'd get a quick entry in while the house is quiet. Soooo, where to start. It's been quite the month. A few weeks back we had some friends over for dinner and River was fast asleep in his kanoe (click here to see what a kanoe is). Joseph and his friend went out on the front porch to enjoy the stars while my friend and I sat on the couch inside. A few minutes passed and I had a funny feeling in my gut....something told me to check on River. So, I went into the room and touched his cheek...it felt a bit cold. I then put my hand on his stomach to make sure he was breathing okay (I don't know about other Moms out there...but I'm always checking his breathing!). I didn't feel any movement. I figured he was just in a deep sleep and moved to his chest. No movement. I grabbed his hand (which will usually cause him to pull it back or wrap his little fingers around my finger) and it litterally just dropped to his side when I let go. At this point I had the craziest surge of adrenaline. Thoughts started filling my head, assuring me that I had just lost another child. I was thinking SIDS or something. I pulled the blanket back from him, reached in and started to shake (not violent of course) him and yell his name. River. RIVER. RIVER. It felt like an eternity, but after about a minute or so he finally gasped and took in a deep breath. With his eyes still shut, he went back to normal breathing and kept right on with sleeping. OH MY GOSH. I can't tell you how terrifying this was. All my fears (after losing Sarah) were alive and raw, reminding me of how fragile life really is. We haven't taken a single day with River for granted....most days I don't think anything of it, but every once in a while I have this horrible feeling like we're not going to be able to keep him for long. Like God must have plans to take this child away as well. I know it sounds terrible, but that's how I feel. So all of those emotions came welling up and I burst into tears after leaving the room. Ahhhhh, I can't lose another child. I think my heart would implode.

I called his pediatrician the next morning and he told us it was time to move him out of the kanoe and into his crib (with a flat/hard mattress). Sooooo, down with the kanoe and up with the crib. We had figured we'd put him in a crib later on when he was older...but for now he was LOVING his kanoe. I guess the doc said that sleep apnea can happen with babies if they don't have enough space to stretch out...so we no longer swaddle or tuck him in...its just him and his cute little dinasour pjs. Of course we put a blanket over him, but nothing tight. Ahhhh. So glad that's over.

Then this last week our poor little guy got the flu (NOT H1N1 thankfully). My mom called on Friday to tell me our little 6month old niece in CO got H1N1. The poor little thing has been throwing up and coughing up a storm. Literally hours later, River came down with a 103` temperature and was super sick. By Tuesday of this week he was finally feeling more himself - smiling and laughing again - but for a few long days, he was miserable. I admit. I cried right along with him a few times. I felt so helpless! This was probably the first of many tears I'll cry over not being able to help him in certain situations....but it was hard. Other Moms, you know what I'm talking about. I kept thinking about my mom who had to mother my older brother through a dozen surgeries growing up (hydrocephalus). I can't even watch the poor guy suffer through the flu, can't imagine watching him go under the knife. Ugh. I also kept thinking about moms in developing nations who can't just drive down the street to buy some Tylenol to knock out the fever. Moms who have to watch their children die in their arms because they don't have medical care or food. My heart breaks for those moms....more like aches. Sigh.

On a lighter note....River has started the wonderful world of teething! I don't think teeth will actually pop through anytime soon, but the process has begun! We change shirts often and enjoy drool baths throughout the day as he slobbers and spits and chews on everything and anything. We're loving it. He's just so darn cute. The camera has been dead for a while and we couldn't find the charger anywhere...but thankfully we found it today, so after charging up tonight I'll start getting more pictures! Not that you've been missing them or anything...but I'm wanting to share my handsome son with you!!

Being River's Mom has been an absolute delight. He's so much fun. So full of joy and laughter. I can't help but feel thankful. Tonight as I was rocking him to sleep I had a flashback of the hospital room that night I gave birth to Sarah. I saw me holding her, just as I was holding River....only her little body was lifeless. I couldn't remember what she felt like. I couldn't remember how heavy she was or how her little hand felt in mine. I don't want to forget. I can't forget. I asked God to remind me. I hear stories of other women who have lost children and God giving them dreams or pictures of their child. I would love to see Sarah in my dreams....someday.

Okay. Until next time.

Overdue Update!

2009-11-06T15:43:00.001-08:00

Jaya (River's buddy - 3 days apart) and River

River meeting his "cousins" (Joseph's sister's horses)

Joseph and River at the Golden Gate Bridge

Mr. Blue Eyes

Happy baby

River loves his dad

I can't believe how long its been since I've updated this thing. I have so many stories to tell. Tears I've cried. Laughter. Some scary moments....but I'm exhausted right now and don't have the energy to type. But I promise to update soon...I really miss writing on here, its been such a refuge and place of processing. So for now, here are a bunch of recent pictures. River and his buddy Jaya (Jaya's mom Bobbi and I were pregnant together and gave birth 3 days apart...its been so fun watching them grow together!) Also, we took a trip up north to visit Joseph's family...so a few pictures from that trip too. Hope you all are well. I miss being on here....more to come soon!!

Fall has officially arrived

2009-10-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

Fall has officially arrived. I realized this morning that I've been living in a constant winter since we found out about Sarah. This January it will have been 2 years since we stepped into the doctor's office and heard the diagnosis of death for our child. Seasons have come and gone and my senses have only picked up on the cold, damp tears of winter. 2 years of winter.

But this morning...this morning I woke up and smelled fall in the air. My skin experienced the cold northern winds and my heart moved forward. This isn't to say that I haven't walked through some healing, experienced joy and laughter and felt the warmth of the sun. I have lived and enjoyed life, but to be honest...I literally didn't notice a change in seasons. It all felt and looked the same to me. But this morning, the seasons have come alive again and I am no longer wrapped up in my winter coat.

I've come so far in this journey of healing...thank God for a change in the weather of my heart. I can hear a song of passion starting to flow through my blood again...warming my heart and steadying my soul.

Oh to feel again....welcome fall, I've missed you.

Not moving on

2009-09-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

A friend sent this to me today and I was really touched. I can only hope that 60 years from now I'm still talking about Sarah...thanks Nathalie for thinking of us. You've been an amazing support through all of this!

Here's the post:

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Don't Move On

When you're grieving, well-intended people sometimes say, "It's time to move on." And if you get stuck in the early phase of grief where every single thing you do -- eat, sleep, dress, talk -- relates directly to your loss, people might say behind your back, "She really needs to move on."

The very notion of moving on has made me fear I'm grieving incorrectly -- I'm stuck, depressed, or insane. But today, six years since my triplets died, I can finally say with confidence that I'm not moving on. When an intimate dies, it's up to you to respond in your own way. If you need to move on, maybe because the person or their dysfunction tormented you, then you're finally free to enjoy this world without them. But if you weren't ready for them to leave, then you can keep them close.

Theologian William Spencer writes in this month's Christians for Biblical Equality newsletter about his mother. As her Alzheimer's progressed, a physician asked her how many children she had, as a memory test. She added one to the usual number, but it wasn't due to memory loss. Bill learned she had a stillborn baby, and never spoke of the baby even to its siblings. Another friend of mine said that, as her mother was dying, she spoke most often of her baby who had died sixty years earlier. She was eager to finally get to hold that baby.

You don't have to move on; you can move with. As I'm sure many of you do, I have a small collection of dearly departed friends and family who move with me in this life. They each offer something different to me - hope, love, courage, and joy. May they rest, and may we move, in peace.

// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 1:08 PM 4 comments

http://jenellparis.blogspot.com/

A river of joy...

2009-09-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

Here's a video of a happy River this morning :) Just ignore the proud Mom and her silly "baby talk" in the background! Enjoy...

Can I keep him forever....please?

2009-09-07T08:19:00.000-07:00

It has been exceptionally hot here in Santa Barbara the last several days...and like most homes here, we don't have air conditioning. So, that means a naked little baby most days...he's a lot like his mom and dad - he doesn't like heat! Joseph hasn't been sleeping well (he hears River and I up every 2hrs), so he got run down and sick this last week...River wasn't feeling the best either (it finally hit me today, bummer). All that to say, the last few days he's been especially "needy". He doesn't like to be put down, prefers to be held during naps (whew, working the arms for sure!) Yesterday we had to drive up to San Luis Obispo to pick up a part for our VW and he required one of us holding his hand on and off during the drive or else he'd fuss.

All this may seem like a bit much...or like I'd be overwhelmed with him needing to be touched all the time the last couple days...but to be perfectly honest, I'm in heaven. The fact that I'm a mom who has a son who even needs me in the first place, is absolutely beautiful. Overall he has been such an easy and pleasant baby...totally entertains himself, full of smiles and laughs. He actually likes the car seat because he knows we're going somewhere (or getting in the stroller, he LOVES being outside!) He fits his name well...he likes to be on the move!

My heart sinks when I even entertain the thought that he isn't forever...none of us are. We live in a broken world full of broken people and this means bad stuff happens. We've already experienced it first hand with the death of Sarah. I never would have dreamed I'd be standing graveside burying my first born child. Never. Yet it happened. Despite all the prayers. It happened. That experience was a sort of "loss of my innocence". I know now not to expect the perfect outcomes...its okay to hope and dream - but there are never guarantees in life. River growing old with us is not something I can count on...and so these days are beautiful.

The smell of his skin. The weight of his sweet little 2 month old body sleeping in our arms. His noises, laughs and smiles. The way his hair stands up in front. His little hands and how they collect lint like it was their job. His beautiful blue eyes. Watching his chest rise and fall as he breathes...

These days truly are beautiful. After losing Sarah, there's not a single thing I take for granted with my sweet boy. I know not to count on "forever", so today is what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful to have a son who is healthy and growing. A son whose personality is already showing itself - we can't wait for the days ahead! I'm thankful for my husband, the love of my life and my best friend. The man who stuck by my side through a really dark season. The father of my son (and daughter).

Today is a new day...and today I'm thankful. Because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Life is a journey and we never quite know what's around the corner. Rather than living in fear of losing what I have and love - I want to live each day in thankfulness and joy. I want to look back at these early days of River's life and remember just how sweet life is...no need to complain about losing sleep. Dirty diapers. A needy son. I'm simply thankful.

Growing like a weed - only cuter :)

2009-08-21T10:26:00.000-07:00

Our little River is growing like a weed, only cuter :) We had our 1 month check-up yesterday and I was in shock when the measurements were read! She also told me that River is acting more like a 2 month old than a 1 month old in terms of eye movement, strength, talking and all around development. Forget being the President or playing for the NFL, that did it for me! One proud Mom :) I know you probably don't care all that much, but for people like my mom I figure its worth writing about - here are the measurements from yesterday:

1 week check-up: 20 inches long & 6lbs 8oz
1 month check-up: 23 inches long & 9lbs 9oz

If that's not growing like a weed, I don't know what is!! 3 inches and 3lbs 1oz...I was so impressed by my little man that I took the time to try a spoonful of my milk last night (I know, probably something you also don't really care to hear)...it seriously tasted like sugar filled cream...all that was missing was the coffee. No wonder the little guy wants to eat all the time! How nice to be a baby :)

I had no idea what a gift it would be to actually have River in my arms. I've mentioned it before, but to see Sarah in him makes it that much better. It's also been so nice having people comment on how cute he is or how peaceful he is (they don't see him getting his diaper changed some days!) - but without fail comes the dreaded question, "Is he your first?" The scenario from there is the same every time (some responses vary, but mostly the same):

Me: No, he's not our first.
Curious bystander: Oh! How old is your first?
Me: Actually, we had a little girl and she died a year ago April.
Curious bystander: (with the 'Dang I feel like a fool, why did I ask that stupid question' look on their face) Oh, I'm so sorry.
Me: Thanks. We wouldn't trade her or the experience for anything in the world.
Curious bystander: Ok, have a great day (as they walk away awkwardly)

I find myself immediately in conversation with Sarah as I walk away from these encounters - "You were/are worth it! We wouldn't trade you for anything Sarah...we just wish you were here."

Such is life...I can't wait until River is old enough to understand all of this. I can't even fathom the joy my heart will get hearing his sister's name come out of his little mouth. Family will take on a whole new meaning :)

Send us rain

2009-08-19T08:23:00.000-07:00

A friend's blog reminded me of a song that has kept me going in some of the most difficult times, thought I'd share the link. Thanks Doris, for the reminder :)

Little Olives

1 month old & trip to CO

2009-08-17T14:12:00.001-07:00

Fairplay, CO flyfishing with River in tow :)

He's smiling!

Flyfishing with my son :)

He's growing! 8lbs 6ounces and 23inches long now :)

Bath time

Big Thompson River for my little sister's wedding :)

Handsome father and son at the dress rehersal :)

Sorry its been a while since the last post. Those of you who have ever had a newborn can probably guess why :) Not as much time on your hands as before! We just got back last night from 10 days in Colorado visiting my family, fly fishing and attending my little sister's much anticipated wedding!! We had a blast! It was so much fun to show River off to all the family and friend's who have been such a support through the last couple years. People who have been praying for us so faithfully with all that happened with Sarah...it felt like he was a promise fulfilled in their lives just as much as in ours.

We also spent about a week on the river doing some fly fishing, a family favorite. River caught his first fish...well, he was in a sling as we caught the fish, but hey...it still counts! It was so healing and relaxing to be deep in the mountains with nothing but the sound of the river for miles around. Nothing like it.

River has been going through a bit of a growth spurt as well. He's outgrowing clothes like nobody's business and he's also nice and fussy at night, which leads to LONG nights for me and a quick move to the couch for his daddy. Joseph needs sleep for work everyday, so I've been up most of the night with him as he tries to decide whether he wants to cry or sleep or eat some more...its been draining, but totally worth it. He's started smiling a lot more and also laughing in his sleep, which has to be the best thing I've ever seen or heard! I see Sarah in him more and more - whether in his physical features or in his personality - I love that he has a big sister :)

Okay, he's waking up from a nap so I should get going...but wanted to post so you don't think we've fallen off the face of the earth! More to come soon!!

2 weeks of thankfulness...

2009-07-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

Napping in the CA heat :)

Love the swaddle...

Crashed out

Warming up after his first bath :)

Morning time with Daddy

Well, its been 2 weeks since River was born and we find ourselves falling more and more in love each day. It's been such an overwhelming experience with this little guy - I can't help but feel like God has really out done Himself on this one. We were thankful to simply have a healthy, living son...but God's grace has seriously washed over us in such crazy amounts these last 2 weeks with our little River boy...he's more than we ever could have asked for. We find ourselves crying multiple times a day - only this time not out of mourning and sadness, but from a place of gratitude and joy. I'll be feeding River and the next thing I know, I'm weeping out of thankfulness. Can this be real? Do we really get to keep him? It feels too good to be true.

River has been an exceptionally sweet baby (I know, I'm the Mom and SUPER biased.) Joseph has been sleeping through the nights starting the 2 night home. I've been getting on average 5-6hrs a night (although not in a row!) We wake up full of life every morning. Most of the time we have to just sit and stare at him...pinching ourselves and giving each other looks of amazement. This is our son. This is our family. Sarah's little brother is finally here. Our desert has literally been filled with rivers of joy and fountains of life. I keep telling people that I haven't felt this good in years!! It's been quite the journey for us and I'm so thankful to be on this side of it all.

I wanted to share briefly about our birth story, just because it too felt like the hand of God. We had a wonderful doula by the name of Ronda Berea...if any of you live in SB county and are pregnant or thinking about starting a family - we HIGHLY recommend her (email us or leave a comment and we can get you her phone number.) I had been having early labor signs for a good month before River came, so when the contractions started that night, I was in total denial. My parents were in town and staying at a local hotel, so earlier that day I went and spent a good hour or so "floating" in their pool. It felt so good to relax and feel somewhat weightless. Later that afternoon I got a much needed haircut. When your hair dreads only minutes after brushing it, its a good sign its gotten too long. That evening was really mellow too. My parents cooked a great meal and we retired for the night.

Like I said earlier - I was having consistent contractions, but wasn't convinced it was the real deal. Around midnight (Joseph had already been asleep) I had a feeling it may be real labor. The contractions started getting more intense and longer in nature. I let Joseph sleep a bit more and eventually woke him. We called our doula around 1:30am and by that time, the contractions were even more intense. We labored at home until around 4:30am when Ronda suggested we head to the hospital...seeing it was our second birth, things were progressing a bit faster and she didn't want to have to deliver River in the back of our VW bus :) (for the record: Joseph and I wouldn't have been opposed to this option, ha!) When we arrived at the hospital ER, they offered me a wheelchair, which I kindly said no to...I wanted to walk to keep the labor going. After stopping several times throughout the walk up to the second floor (to breathe through contractions), we made our way to the labor and delivery floor. This was one of the hardest moments for me - as I had all kinds of Sarah memories come flooding back. I did everything I could to hold back the tears, as I knew if I let one come out, it would be the end of my focus on labor...grief would have strongly taken over. So I pushed through and made it to our room.

At that point, they checked me and I was 7cm dilated and totally effaced. After the required 20min of being monitored, I got off the bed and labored for 2 more hours with Joseph by my side through every contraction. Around 6:40am my water finally broke and after just under 40minutes of pushing, we had a beautiful River enter our world at 7:14am. So from start to finish it was just over 7hrs of labor. We made it through 100% natural, which in this day and age is tough at the hospital - they push every kind of drug and alternative your way...Joseph had to ask them to not do several things as he knew I wanted to make it through all natural God willing.

So that's the story. It was obviously painful, but overall pretty quick...thankful we were able to spend most of the time laboring at home before the last 2 1/2 hours at the hospital. Maybe next time we'll have the joy of giving birth in the VW :)

Thanks again to everyone who has been praying for us. It's been quite the journey walking with this little man - I can't help but see Sarah in his face...I know his big sister is looking down on him with as much joy as we have. The next season of life has just begun :)

"Gone Heavenly" - A Tribute to Scott and Joan Pearson

2009-07-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

One week ago I watched two smiling people, two loving souls, two beaming hearts overflowing with joy come see their grandson for the first time...

Jen had just given birth an hour earlier - River gave a tremendous and beautiful cry as he was halfway into this world! It was a beautiful announcement of life! It was startling and nearly shocking hearing his voice for the first time. I didn't know how to respond really. It was so overwhelming, so primal, and so piercing... like an eagle emerging from it's nest. It was pure. It came from the gut. It gave me goosebumps hearing it! It was a gift to hear his voice finally... how we had longed to hear it.

With Sarah - her arrival was announced with silence, no crying...it was a dead calm of emptiness and quiet. Her voice was not present to us. It was gone. What you could hear was the sobbing of our voices as tears fell from our eyes to her dormant little frame laying vacant in our arms. Sarah just wasn't there. She was gone, "gone heavenly" you could say - and everything was silent. It is still beyond words to describe what it was like. I remember it clearly though. You saw it in everyone as you looked into their eyes. The dark areas in the room beyond the lights were present with it. The hospital in all it's plastics and metals was cold with it. The nurses acted with it. The doctors were distant with it. It was like everything had a shadow on it. Even with God present, death is still loss and still so awful to experience. Jesus encountered it with His friends Mary and Martha, as he was moved to tears at the death of their brother.

But that moment when Sarah was born, there was also two loving souls, two beaming hearts full of compassion attending to the their daughters first born little girl - and attending to us too. Scott and Joan Pearson were there with River just as they were there with Sarah. As they also kissed and held and loved on River for the first time, they did too Sarah. Joan was there through the whole birth with Sarah, holding one of Jen's legs as Sarah's little broken body came to us - incredible! She held Sarah after she was born and cried all over her, tenderly attending to Sarah's limp frame. She was there with us. And as we came home, leaving Sarah behind, Joan was there at the house - making a home for us, making us feel comfortable in anyway she could. Her heart ever so quick to cry with us, bringing us so much comfort. We were so glad both them were with us. They helped us in that important transition from going to the hospital with Sarah to coming home without her. How do you thank someone for that? We are still learning. All through the journey Joan has been there for us, calling daily - and we love her so for doing it. Blessings to you Mom!

I remember distinctively after Sarah was born - Scott holding up Sarah, holding her close to his chest, thanking God for her life and how it had touched him - how it had touched him to the deepest parts of his heart and soul. He wept with thankfulness! It was a stunning moment of immense beauty as a grandfather accepted the fate of his granddaughter with total surrender and thankfulness to God, worshiping the Lord, while lamenting her parting. I saw the face of God that day in Scott. I'll never forget it. His response was costly, it was from a deep place in him formed over many days of crying out to God... but it's beauty to God I felt within myself. I felt how much it pleased God. Scott got what the journey was all about and it formed beauty and life in him. The redemption of Sarah was alive in Scott whether she lived or died. The issue was settled for him, God was to be glorified and the beauty of Sarah's life was going to be celebrated. It was a picture of love overcoming death. It represented for all of us, how we felt about the whole journey with Sarah, "Your will be done Lord. May it be unto us whatever you wish. We know that you're good no matter what happens. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for Sarah!"

Scott and Joan have been there for us and this is our thank you to them in the Sarah Pages. Thank you for being there in all of it. You have given us a priceless gift and we are deeply indebted to you because of it. I know you would say we owe you nothing, but we say we do. You've set an example to follow, a standard to reach towards. I would say you've been a shelter for us in the midst of these storms and you've been the ones lifting the banners up in celebration as River's life unfolded into our arms. Your support and love and giving and thoughtfulness and kindness and words and care and hard work and serving and laughter and joy and tears and cooking and willingness and intentions and many other things have been a severe blessing of immeasureble value!!! We honor you today!!! We honor you! We honor you... I hope you hear this - bless you for all you have done for us - from Sarah Elizabeth to River James. We know what you've done and we are so grateful to you. We are so thankful for you! We are thankful...thank you. Thank you. Thank you. A thousand thank you's!!!!

So when River was born these two beaming, loving souls (Scott and Joan) came in to see his little self (River)... and what I saw made me cry. What I saw was their joy being made complete. That's what it spoke to me. Our joy was made full too! They had believed with us for this miracle and now he was here. To share it with them, these two, that had stood with us through it all and prayed their guts out for us... it was the sweetest gift. It was a shared victory, a shared joy! In a new way we had "gone heavenly." It was family overcoming, enduring through it all, taking hold of the promise! It was just so wonderful! It was tremendous! It was a beautiful song... and we were all singing it! When I went to go tell them to come in... I couldn't speak, all I could do was bury my head in Scott's shoulder... it was just so unreal and so deeply moving. He held me as I gave way to the promise, to the gift from the Father, the gift of River, of family, of Scott and Joan, the gift of love, of everything... it was all around us.

You are a part of this too. You who have been here in this with us, whether near or far away. I feel to say, River belongs to you too! He is our gift from the Father! Thank you again for standing with us, for your notes of encouragement. Be blessed. Maybe you will meet River some day soon... Maybe your "River" will come to you. Don't give up... He is faithful. He will come and will bring forth all that He has promised. If He promises, He will bring it to pass..

And like it is for us now, when your River comes, we might say of you, you've "gone heavenly."

Life just took a beautiful turn...

2009-07-20T15:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Meg Fish and her amazing skills...we so enjoyed getting to know her and HIGHLY recommend her to anyone with a pregnant belly, a newborn or toddler...she has a way of capturing life in such a profound way. We'll for sure use her again in the future! Check out her website:

www.megfishphotography.com

"River is His response..."

2009-07-17T19:54:00.000-07:00

This is my (Joseph) first time writing on the Sarah pages again since Sarah died. I wrote a message back then that I didn't realize would be a sort of closing statement on that part of my journey with Sarah. Of course the journey has continued with Sarah, but was simply not written down. You could say my heart became the place where the writing went deeper and into secret places of my soul. I feel the effects of Sarah's life ever taking me deeper in things - I'm so thankful.

The tide comes in and you write like mad and then it goes out and you put the pen down. My journey as a father never stopped when Sarah died, it was moving on into new things. River has become a part of that new thing - and Sarah gives so much meaning to River's life...

After River was born in the morning, I held him one moment that afternoon and as I did I felt this rush of emotion overtake me. I wept holding him. Something deep inside me dislodged and flooded me with grief... and strangely enough, joy as well. I cried and then started laughing all in the same breath. I can't say I've ever felt that type of thing so strongly, or in that way ever! What was tapped in me by holding River was the desire that I have always had to hold Sarah...hold her alive. I never had that. And now I was holding River, who is more like Sarah than anyone else. I felt a connection with her to a new depth that just buckled my heart. The longing in my heart for her found a window to reach through. My heart reached through it without asking me permission. It just went there. I followed it with an outpouring of tears and laughter. I was so happy to hold River! What a dream come true - what a gift, what an absolute miracle! It was a promise fulfilled holding him! It was also touching loss and pain and grief.

It was a cry that was filled with beauty too! It meant so tremendously more now to hold River, who felt like the biggest miracle of all time. He was whole! He was beautiful! Everything seemed to be the way you would hope it to be! That's why Sarah gives so much meaning to Rivers life, and that's why that moment was so eternal and so beautiful. It was like I was holding her too for the first time, feeling the warmth of what her body would have felt like, feeling her fragile frame kick and move as she would have rested in my hands. It was all too much in the most wonderful way. I couldn't talk. I had to whisper to tell Jen and her parents what I was feeling. They soon were crying too.

It was a loving exchange with Jesus in the place of my deep heart where Sarah had broken it. In that place of loss, River was being laid in my arms by the Father. River is not to take the place of Sarah of course, but he was being given to me in the same place, where the wound was suffered. Wherever we face loss, Jesus is wanting and willing to make an exchange with us. He has something to give in its place. It's an exchange in the place of pain, or hurt or loss - where we are broken - "beauty for ashes". He came, as He has many times in this journey with Sarah, to bring more healing, more love, more goodness, more care, more beauty, more life - so that the ashes we still hold may be exchanged for "Rivers".

The Bible always talks about how rivers, or pools, or water will come to the desert places - the wastelands or wildernesses in our lives. I can not emphasize enough how true this reality is to us right now - it's overwhelming!!!! What I'm saying is: God is good! He is faithful! He is really, really, really kind and loving! River is his response to our loss. So cool!

How cool? Even before Sarah was born Jen had three dreams about Sarah, followed by two dreams about a little boy. In the dream, Jen was giving birth to a little boy while having the book of James opened up in her lap. She birthed the boy through the book of James. When she lifted him up, his name was River James Dalton. Book of James... interesting huh? God is so previous to everything in our lives. He knows...back then I believe He was already speaking to us, wanting to comfort us with the promise of River. He knew what was going to happen. How kind and thoughtful of Him to start speaking to us years in advance of a difficult season. That's the caring heart of a Father.

I hope I can return to these pages and tell some of the stories of all that's happened with us. A year ago last April (17th) Sarah shot to Heaven in a beam of light! Since then so much has happened. So many cool things. Life has been for me so beautiful, hard in ways, but so amazing - truly! To be honest: maybe the best year and half of my life! I so want to share. I just need time to sit here and do this.

I guess I will be writing more since I felt God wanting me to start another blog: "Conversations with God". Through my work I have the benefit of interacting with Jesus daily on a deep heart level in the lives of so many people, watching him bring healing and restoration to their lives as He talks with them and interacts with the stuff in their hearts and lives. We literally have conversations with God in this setting. So I've been writing them down and I hope to start sharing them soon. They are unbelievably wonderful! The conversations are like unto the book, "The Shack". I'm so excited to share them! They are so encouraging, so real and so raw! They're just out there. But not in a weird way. When you read them, you will know that this is really God speaking with people in profound ways.

HERE is the website if you're interested in what we do.

So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. We love our little "River Boy"! Thank you Father. And we love our Sarah too! How we miss you Sarah... There's so much to say, but for now I'll just end with: There's nothing like the love you feel for your child, especially after you've lost one. Maybe the love we feel for our children is one of closest ways to understand the Father's Love for us. Peace and love to you - Joseph

Note: The picture above was taken in that moment of remembering and rejoicing.

River James Dalton

2009-07-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

River James Dalton
Born 7/14/09 @ 7:14am
6lbs 8oz - 20inches

More to come later when we catch up on sleep!!

Still waiting...

2009-07-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

3 days until our official due date - July 16th - and no sign of our River yet! We've had several "false alarms"...going into some early labor but then having it calm down again after several hours. We're all so surprised that it hasn't happened yet...but God knows the perfect timing, so we're just patiently waiting on that. Our last appointment, the doctor was sure she'd see me in the hospital within the next 48 hours. His head is dropped as low as it can go and I was about 2cm dilated...but alas...he's decided to hang out and get those cheeks a little chubbier before he joins us. We're okay with that! We've "been there, done that" with the whole inducing thing last pregnancy. It was obviously for different reasons we had to do it - a minor detail like saving my uterus - but I still know what it is like and don't want to go down that path again. We're opting out for as natural as we can go. Hopefully laboring at home as long as possible and then heading to the hospital for the last leg of the River journey.

I hope you all hear from us soon!! Thanks for all the prayer...wish we had more to tell you, but we're just trying to live life normal and not put too much pressure on the little guy to come out. It'll happen when its time. My parents surprised us and came out as well...so that's been a good distraction! Nice having them around :)

Stay tuned...news of a River coming SOON! (we hope)

Thinking of Sarah today...

2009-07-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

Listen to this song...and remember her with us today...

Happy 4th of July! Maybe River will decide to grace us with his presence today...

Dreaming of a River...

2009-07-02T13:01:00.001-07:00

Waiting on our River...

Self-inducing 101

2009-06-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

(not a bad view for getting things started, huh?)

Soooo...we're officially 2 weeks away from our due date (woooohooo!!). I had a doctor's appointment this morning and they did an ultra sound to check his size - they're guessing between 6 and 6 1/2 lbs right now. She gave us full permission to help jump start the process along! So, that's what we're doing :) I know some people are not into self-inducing and think that when the baby is ready - he'll come. I couldn't agree more. BUT...I've been pregnant for almost two years now and couldn't be more ready to get this show on the road! We're also fully aware that no matter what we do, it is ultimately out of our control. If he's not ready - no measure of self-inducing will budge him. So...we're self-inducing AND asking God to get this party started. Haha. We'll see what happens.

So what are we doing, you ask? Well...some of the methods are, well, ahem...top secret. But I can tell you that I climbed stairs at the local city college today...that was after a 2 1/2 hour nap. We'll see if it gets anything moving. If anything, it can be my head start into getting back in shape. It could be today or it could be in two weeks...either way, I'm just excited he's coming!!! Thanks for the prayers...we'll keep you informed. :)

37 weeks...

2009-06-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

37 weeks tomorrow :) I made it to my goal and am more than excited to start getting out and walking again. Phew...no more laying low...I don't know if I can handle any more of that! Thankfully, the weather has been cloudy for the most part...making it a lot easier. I did go to the beach with Joseph to watch him surf one day, what a treat! Just look at that belly...my gosh, this little guy has to be ready!

I had another appointment on Monday that proved to be a bit frustrating again. I spent the whole last week focused on eating more and doing NOTHING so that all my calories would go to River. I got on the scale 100% positive that I had gained at least a couple pounds...only to find that I LOST a couple pounds again. Man, what's the deal!? I think I'm probably just losing all my muscle mass from having to lay low for so long...that's my only explanation. I even did a calorie count with my mom (I don't know the first thing about counting calories, but my mom's generation sure seems to have it down!). I'm eating the right amount of calories every day...so I don't know. Anyway, River is considered full term now so if my body wants to go into labor, I'm all for it.

Nothing more to say really. Just thankful to have a healthy, kicking little boy in me...and ready to finally have him in our arms. The anticipation is growing, our bags are packed for the hospital (well, River's bag...still have to put stuff together for Joseph and I) and we're more excited than ever. I still have a hard time believing that we'll have a child soon. Joseph was telling me the other day that he's been a bit nervous about giving birth. Last time we made the journey to the hospital to give birth, it resulted in empty arms and an extremely painful journey of losing our daughter. He said he has to remind himself that there will actually be a positive outcome from all the pain of labor this time around. It feels surreal to me as well. Not until he's in our arms will we fully believe that he's coming to stay...or that he's even coming at all. It's been a long two years of being pregnant...

Thanks for your prayers and for walking with us through this journey. I know Sarah will be full of joy, looking down on her little brother. We can hardly wait to share her with him...

Hopefully there will be pictures posted here of River very soon :) Keep praying for a healthy and quick delivery....I would SO appreciate that!

The countdown is on!

2009-06-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

Sooooo, great news - our little guy has officially flipped and has his head deep in my pelvis (yes, this is very comfortable...especially having to get up 5 times at night to pee)! I had a feeling it happened about a week ago, but I was still feeling such strong movement all over and wasn't sure where the heck he was. I'm definitely not one of those moms who can tell the arm from the leg from the butt...the only time I can really identify anything is when he gets his nightly case of the hickups and I can feel his little back moving up and down with each hickup.

The doctor's appointment was pretty entertaining - mostly because Joseph was there with me. We met with the PA instead of our doctor...and let me just say...this PA is not my favorite person in the world. She's freaked out on me on numerous occasions because I'm too small or too tall or this or that. It doesn't seem to matter how great the pregnancy is going, there's always something she can find to gripe about with me. Maybe I'm not her favorite person either. Or maybe she just lives in A LOT of fear.

Today's problem was that I didn't gain weight again (although by looking at the above picture it would sure appear so!) and that I'm still measuring too small for how far along we are. I asked if it could be because he's dropped, which means my uterus has dropped...which means the uterus could measure small. She didn't like my theory - I thought it sounded legit! Sooooo, she took it upon herself to play doctor and did an ultra sound to make sure there was enough amniotic fluid in there. I tried to crack a joke at this point, thought it might lighten the mood...she definitely wasn't into my joke. This is where the whole Joseph/entertaining thing comes along. He was sitting behind her making faces and doing little dances...definitely keeping a smile on my face :)

Anyway...ALL that to say, I feel bad for the lady. So thankful I know the peace of God, I can't imagine walking in such fear and anxiety all day long. I'm also thankful that she took it upon herself to do an ultra sound because it confirmed that the countdown really is here! It also confirmed why my ribs have been so banged up again...his little butt is pushed up right against them...I love this guy. I'm ready to meet him :)

The Sun, by Mary Oliver

2009-06-12T13:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen
anything
in your life
more wonderful

than the way the sun,
every evening,
relaxed and easy,
floats toward the horizon

and into the clouds or the hills,
or the rumpled sea,
and is gone--
and how it slides again

out of the blackness,
every morning,
on the other side of the world,
like a red flower

streaming upward on its heavenly oils,
say, on a morning in early summer,
at its perfect imperial distance--
and have you ever felt for anything
such wild love--
do you think there is anywhere, in any language,
a word billowing enough
for the pleasure

that fills you,
as the sun
reaches out,
as it warms you

as you stand there,
empty-handed--
or have you too
turned from this world--

or have you too
gone crazy
for power,
for things?

Quick Note...

2009-06-10T09:22:00.001-07:00

Just a quick note. I didn't know that only Blogger users could leave comments and no one else. Soooo...I changed that and now everyone can leave comments :) Hope to hear from you! I also added some of my favorite blogs/sites on the right hand column if you want to check them out. All for now...

Patience

2009-06-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

(River and I at Farmer's Market)

Patience. Definitely something I could use some more of right about now. I'm 35 weeks pregnant - officially in new territory since Sarah only made it to 34 weeks before we gave birth. I've also been on "bed rest" (aka - lay low and don't do anything mode) for the last week because my body seems to want to go into labor NOW. Bored you ask? Yes. Ready to have this little guy in your arms? YES. Tired of being pregnant for what seems like FOREVER? Why, yes...thank you for asking!

We're on a 37 week plan...just trying to make it to the 37 mark (I guess if they're born before 37 weeks they automatically have to go to the NICU for observation - and we'd like to avoid a baby stuck in an incubator...we had enough drama the last time around!) So two more weeks of laying low. Two more weeks of waiting. Then its free game and anything can happen! Since my body is so eager to get going with this whole process (I can't lie, I am too....and I think I can speak for River as well, he seems a bit restless in there), I think once I hit 37 weeks I'm going to start going for long walks and help it out. Seeing how I can't even sneeze right now without sending my body into "contraction city", I think a long walk everyday should get the process going. Who knows...maybe my body isn't ready at all and I'll carry the full 40 weeks (or beyond, God help us)...but if my instincts are right I think he'll be coming sooner rather than later :)

I've also found myself needing tons of extra patience for those hours when he has slowed down in movement. I'm pretty sure he's dropped (yes, my bladder is confirming that fact right now) and I've heard babies slow down once they drop. All I know is that it freaks me out. It brings back memories of Sarah's movements stopping and all the emotions that came with losing our little girl. I simply can't go through that again. How weird that I even feel like its a possibility?! I mean...I know its real and it can happen...but I have felt so much peace (overall) in this pregnancy knowing that our little River will be delivered healthy and into our arms. I guess part of me still doesn't believe that yet. That part of me seems to come alive when he stops moving - and let me tell you - its not fun trying to fight those thoughts.

On a brighter note, we are officially ready here at the Dalton house! The crib is set. Dresser/changing table all packed with diapers and clothes (washed and organized by size of course!). We had the car seat bases put in each car today. I have a bag packed with the basics for the hospital. We also found a cool glider/rocking chair on craigslist for $20! Can't beat craigslist :) Thanks to everyone who has given gifts and helped us celebrate in this way...it has been pure joy for me - I'm in serious nesting mode! If only you knew how much these little steps have healed my heart!! Things that I was never able to do with Sarah. We have a big bag of pink clothes tucked away in the closet up above River's crib...I like to call them my Hope Clothes. I wasn't about to lose hope and not get her stuff, but the reality was we really knew we couldn't do more than that. Someday we'll have a sweet little girl to fill them all in :)

All that to say...I'm ready! Patience is needed. And we're so unbelievable thankful that sometimes I can hardly stand it and want to just scream at the top of my lungs!!! Thanks for everyone's prayers and support...keep praying that this little guy stays in a few more days (and if you want to pray an added bonus prayer, that he keeps moving frequently for his momma's sanity!)

More to come soon...

Pictures!! (Baby shower and River's Ultra Sound)

2009-05-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

Mom and I at the end of the long shower day

My River Belly at 32 weeks

Lacee and Loree :)

I was pregnant with these dear friends last time with Sarah...

Camille and Ander at the grill :)

We tie-dyed about 15 onsies (different sizes)...they turned out so cute!

And finally...my sweet River James! Look at those lips :)

Thanks for praying...the ultra sound went great - River is exactly as he should be, my uterus is as it should be...all the amniotic fluid is fine...phew. It was a relief. Also, it was a nice surprise to get to see all the shots of River this far along in the pregnancy. He's such a cutie. He was in a classic yoga position with his feet all the way up over his head. Can't wait to meet him!!!

Learning to trust

2009-05-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

(Above are my parents, little sister Mali and Joseph and I at Mali's college graduation! It's the closest thing I have to a pregnancy picture at this point (32 weeks)...more to come later)

Pregnancy has been quite the journey for me. It has required a walk of faith that I've never had to endure before. As of today, I've been pregnant 16.5 out of the last 20 months of my life. Wow. I can honestly say its been a journey of learning to trust every single day. Walking through life with Sarah was an incredible gift, but also such a stretch for my heart and faith. I grew so much during those months of fighting for her life. I was constantly having to check myself...make sure I wasn't giving into fear or feelings of failure. There were days when she wouldn't move at all, challenging me to trust her into God's hands over and over again. It's amazing how responsible you feel as the mother carrying the child. I felt a sort of helplessness - there was nothing I could do to ensure her health or life. I would cry my eyes out asking for peace and rest for my heart...needing God more desperately than any other time in my life. In the end, we were given the gift of a journey we wouldn't trade for anything...but the aftershocks of that season have been showing their ugly face again more recently.

For those of you who have lost a child...I'm assuming you've experienced similar "aftershocks". I've had to fight fear and worry - even on days when I'm full of joy and laughter. If our little guy is more quiet than usual (not moving as much), my mind immediately goes back to the days with Sarah and I find myself in a battle of the mind. I have to stop what I'm doing, close my eyes and make a conscious effort to stay in peace and rest - trusting that God is in control.

Two weeks ago presented the obstacle of visiting the hospital again. The last time we were there, my body had gone into early labor and we showed up only to find that our little girl had died. This time around, the same thing happened - I went into early labor, the doc made us go to the hospital to get monitored...and thankfully, it had a different outcome. A healthy heartbeat and a kicking little boy who didn't like getting monitored. It felt so good to hear that heartbeat - but definitely stirred up all kinds of emotions and fears and required a lot of trust. I'm glad its a hurdle we've crossed...but in some ways I am ready for a normal pregnancy (if there is such a thing!).

The last few days have been a real challenge as well. River hasn't been moving as rapidly and as strong as usual...which I'm sure is normal as women get closer to their due date...but because of our last pregnancy, it immediately sends me into a place of worry that I have to battle my way out of. Today was the icing on the cake. Each doctor's appointment I go to, we always place bets on how much weight I've gained. My last appointment was 2 weeks ago and everyone was guessing around 2lbs. So...I get to the doctor, climb up on the scale and find that I've actually LOST 2 1/2 lbs. What!? I've been eating the same. Living life the same. Okay...I kept my heart at peace and stayed in a place of rest while waiting for the doctor. River's heart beat sounded great - as healthy as ever - but when she measured my uterus, it was measuring small too. Great. Sooo...all that has led to another trip to good ol' Dr. Soffici where I have to get another ultra sound to make sure he's growing okay. My initial reaction looked something like this: fear. what am i doing wrong? peace. everything will be okay. worry. what if i lose another child? pressure. am i not a good mom? peace. everything will be okay. fear again. etc etc etc. In the end, I came up with a hundred reasons why my uterus is measuring small and why I've lost weight. Even my doctor said it could be as simple as my height...I'm 5'10"...so maybe I just carry smaller because he has such a big space to grow in.

I don't know. I'm kind of over trying to figure it out. From now until Friday (when I get the ultra sound) I need to just continue in this journey of trust. There really is nothing I can do to ensure we deliver a healthy, perfect little boy into our arms in the next several weeks. Only God is in control of that. Overall its been such a beautiful and joyful journey...just the last few weeks have spun me out in a bit of an emotional/hormonal/dizzying spin of worry. I guess I'm just sharing all this so that if there are others out there who have walked through something similar - you know you're not alone. It's normal to have these fears and worries come up. I think its normal to feel protective and responsible for the life within you....and I'm longing for it to be normal to fall into the loving and peaceful arms of God the Father in the midst of it all.

I'll let you know how Friday goes. If anything...it'll be nice to get another look inside at this cute little guy :) Maybe I'll have some pictures to post. ALSO...I have my first ever baby shower this Saturday - so I'm sure I'll have lots of pictures and stories to share from that! Stay tuned :) Thanks for reading...I love knowing I have support out there.

Fire...again!

2009-05-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

As most of you already know, Santa Barbara is on fire....again. The picture above shows the current evacuation areas...we're not a very large town, 90,000ppl at best...and 30,000ppl are currently evacuated with more scheduled to happen soon. That's a third of our town! Dozens of homes have been burned. Some 36 schools are shut down (some due to air quality). It's absolutely mind blowing. The worst of it is, this is our 3rd major fire in the last 12 months! The last fire (Tea Fire) in November burned more than 200 homes down. The current Jesusita Fire (named after a popular hiking trail where the fire was thought to have started) is said to be the worst emergency Santa Barbara has faced in 25 years. The latest update said the fire is about 10% contained - not the most hopeful statistics, but better than 0%. The temperature is expected to get to 100`F again today, so the firemen are working hard this morning to try and get some of it under control.

With all that said, we're thankfully on the ocean side of the 101 Freeway - which looks to be the safest place in town. So we have not been evacuated and I don't think we will be. We've actually planned to leave today for my little sister's college graduation down in Orange County. As bad as I feel leaving our community in a time like this - there's nothing much I can do to improve the situation, so I'll selfishly take some "fresh" Orange County air and a chance to sit by the pool and relax this belly of mine.

We had a bit of a scare yesterday. My body seems to really love going into labor. I had some early labor episodes with Sarah and have had some earlier on in this pregnancy, but yesterday was a little much. It started about 4pm on Wednesday...my body for no reason went into having consistent contractions for several hours. Even laying down didn't calm them down. Right before bed they started to mellow out, but a few hours into sleep they woke me up and I was up the rest of the night with painful, strong contractions. I was having all the signs of early labor - cramping, pressure down low, nausea, lower back pain, etc etc. I called the doc and she made us immediately go to the hospital to get monitored. Thankfully, my cervix hadn't dilated at all - so I was able to go home after a little over an hour of being on the monitors. I've basically been on my back ever since...trying to get my uterus to calm down. Like I said, I guess my body just loves labor! HA. Either that or River is especially excited to come join us this side of the world :)

It was a bit of a treat - as well as a definite hurdle crossed - going to the hospital and having a positive experience. Our last time there was filled with such sad and painful memories. Even being hooked up to all the monitors was a source of joy because River was as wild as always - kicking and moving non-stop, making it hard for the nurses to get the best reading. I love this little guy already :) I think he takes after his dad....haha.

Anyway, enough drama for one blog entry....hope this finds you well! Thanks for all the prayers - it would be great to have a downpour of rain right about now!

Field of dreams....

2009-04-30T08:32:00.000-07:00

I just woke up from an eventful night of "sleeping". Eventful because I had wild and colorful dreams. "Sleeping", not sleeping, because I have a crazy-strong little boy inside my belly who kicks like there is no tomorrow. Not only are his kicks so strong that they throw off my sense of balance (not joking), but I also start getting sick to my stomach as if I'm on the world's loopiest roller-coaster ride ever! I used to think Sarah was a strong kicker...but I guess I didn't have another pregnancy/child to compare it to. My gosh River - try aiming for my intestines or kidneys or bladder or anything, but have mercy on my poor ribs!

Now back to the dream. Nights filled with wild and colorful dreams are pretty common for me...but nights filled with wild and colorful dreams that speak to my heart of hope are not an everyday occurrence. I woke up this morning feeling as if I had been kissed by the sun itself :)

The dream...

The setting was a beautiful farm with rolling hills. All of the land was covered in healthy and vibrant looking crops like corn, wheat, all kinds of veggies and mature fruit trees in abundance. It was a beautiful scene. The interesting part is that the entire dream (which felt like it spanned over a few weeks) took place at sunset. The sun wasn't setting...it was permanently in the sunset position with warm colors filling the sky and reflecting on the already breath taking crops.

The next thing I know, my heart is taken from a place of ecstasy to a place of mourning and heartache. Without it having to be spoken, I was aware that God's presence had departed from me and that I would no longer walk the fields of this farm/harvest with Him. Without any hesitation, I knew what needed to be done. I got out all the tractors and began plowing the healthy and abundant fields of this farm down to nothing. I drove over all the crops, tore out fruit trees from their roots and destroyed the lush vegetables waiting to be harvested. The field went from a place of love and abundance to rolling hills of soil with nothing growing anymore. My heart was so broken, yet I knew it was what needed to be done. Nothing mattered, not even a field full of crops ready to be harvested, without God's presence there. The interesting part is that He departed from me. He literally up and left. (All of this happening still at the moment of sunset).

After the ground was down to just soil, I left the field and went into a structure I had on the property where I began to cook a meal to "celebrate" the mourning and loss of His presence. It was odd - because I was broken and sad, yet knew it was a good thing so I chose to celebrate by preparing food. There were others around during the entire dream, but they were mere spectators at best. After preparing the meal, I went outside to the field once again and suddenly felt the need to water the soil. Although His presence had really only been gone a fraction of time (especially since the position of the sun didn't change the entire dream), it felt like an eternity had passed. Even though I knew I had sprinkler systems spread throughout the fields, I grabbed a basic garden hose and began to water the empty soil. There were random people laying face down in the dirt crying and mourning my loss, but it didn't seem to faze me - I just sprayed the water right on top of them (funny visual!). It didn't matter that the soil had been stripped of everything...I had this underlying hope that kept me watering the ground until it was almost flooded.

Within minutes of watering, little green sprouts began to shoot up out of the ground. It was like a scene from the show Planet Earth where they show time lapsed growth of plants, yet this fast growth was happening at regular speed/time. Green plants began to shoot up wherever I had watered...so I made my way (by hand) around the entire property and drenched the ground. As the plants began to sprout, I made my way back into the structure where I had prepared the food and I sat down to eat. My hope was slowly being restored. Within minutes of eating, I looked out the window to my left and saw the most unbelievable, panoramic scene. What used to be an empty field of soil was now a field of "perfectly in bloom" flowers of every species. Up on the hill were gladiolas (my mother's favorite) and closest to me were the most mature rose bushes exploding with perfectly opened roses of every color and scent. I ran outside and fell to my knees by the roses...the ground still saturated with water...and I began to weep.

I wept tears of thankfulness. Tears of hope and restoration. Tears of joy and solace. What I had once known was gone...but He had supernaturally replaced it with something new, something beautiful, something I never could have planted/grown on my own. Rather than being a practical field of food - it had turned into a field of thankfulness. A place to come and sit, rest, reflect...a place to breathe in the smells and the colors of grace. I stayed there with my knees drenched and my face and hands full of wet soil...crying out tears of thankfulness....for hope had finally been restored.

Remembering Sarah

2009-04-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

This past Friday (April 17, 2009) marked what would have been Sarah's 1st Birthday. It also marked Joseph's birthday - a day that passed without any recognition last year because of the painful circumstances surrounding Sarah's birth/death. So, for the last month I've been dreaming up ways to make this birthday special for him - after all the attention and care he's given me over the last year of healing, he deserved a day set aside for him!

We got up early Friday morning and loaded up the VW for a weekend adventure up in the Eastern Sierras. I wondered how I would feel that morning. So many sad and painful memories are now linked to his birthday, so I didn't know what to expect of my heart that day. By God's grace I woke up with such joy and anticipation for the weekend. About an hour into the drive I surprised Joseph with a small gift for him to open. I wanted to wait and open it when we got into the heart of the mountains, but he was so excited we couldn't put it off any longer :) The surprise was two tickets to the U2 concert at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena October 25th!! He's always wanted to see Bono live and it just so happens that they're touring this year for the first time in a while. Tickets sold out shortly after the ticket boxes opened up, but I was fortunate to remember (especially with my preggo brain!) and get us a couple tickets before they were all out. Joseph was speechless...he cried...he definitely wasn't expecting it. I love blessing him. I love making him feel special and set apart. He so deserves that...

The trip was magical. We camped out at a hot spring the first night...with no one else in sight, no city lights, no distractions...we laid back in the warm pool and watched the dark sky light up with stars. Its a night I won't soon forget. Before we went to bed, I made Joseph close his eyes while I prepared one last surprise. Two chocolate cupcakes - one with a pink candle and the other with a blue candle - one for Joseph and one for Sarah. The visual was almost too much for my heart. We should have had her with us. We should have been watching her stuff her face with chocolate and then get cranky a little later from her rare encounter with refined sugar. It was a hard reality...a look straight in the face of loss. Joseph and I both cried and embraced before blowing out the candles and enjoying the treat. What a day.

The next two days were equally magical. We hiked up to a beautiful frozen lake surrounded by the majestic Sierras. We camped that night in the middle of a field of sage, drowning in the smell and the silence of the air around us. We both felt so embraced by God. By each other. We also managed to hike our way up a stunning river canyon just before we hit the road for the journey back...I love adventure.

Yesterday Joseph was back to his crazy/busy schedule and my heart was left missing him after 3 days of solid, uninterrupted time together. I didn't realize the reality of my heart until I crawled into bed last night. The weekend came and left in what felt like a blink of an eye and my heart spent no time grieving or remembering or reflecting on the loss of our sweet Sarah. It was like a rushing waterfall was released and the emotions of my heart came flooding out of my mouth and eyes and soul as Joseph and I held each other in bed. I didn't know I needed that. I didn't know I had expectations and dreams for her day. I was so caught up in making it special for Joseph, that I didn't stop to think what might be healthy for my/our hearts regarding Sarah. It's not that I wanted to dwell on the pain or anything like that - I simply wanted to remember. I wanted others to remember. But they didn't.

I received one card. A bouquet of flowers and card from another friend. A text from a dear family friend. My parents were so sweet to send a bouquet of small pink roses...I couldn't help but cry my eyes out when I saw them being delivered. To have someone else (someone other than me who carried her) remember was so healing. Someone else remembered. They remembered that she was actually a living, breathing creature that had life and a giving heart within her. They remembered the excruciating pain my physical body went through that day - pushing and laboring out our precious, lifeless little girl. They remembered what it was like for our hearts to finally realize that the journey fighting for her life was over - the crushing blow to our spirits and the horrific feeling of leaving the hospital with empty arms. I guess I expected to come home from the long weekend away with my mailbox full of cards, my mantle full of blooming flowers and my email in-box filled with kind words....but none of that happened. 3 people remembered. I didn't realize until last night how much that hurt my heart...

Even though my heart was expecting so much - my head knew that the reality was different. How can I expect people to remember? It's unfair. I mean, how many deaths and losses have other people experienced where I've missed "remembering" with them?! How many people lose loved ones to disease and accidents everyday without anyone knowing or reflecting? I'd be a hypocrite to hold any judgment...yet to be honest with my heart, I knew I still needed that. I needed others to remember. I realize now (even more) how important community is. How important it is to walk with others through pain and trials. I don't want to miss that chance with others...its too important and life is too short.

All this to say, I wanted to express what my heart was breathing out this morning. The beauty, the serenity, the love...and the reality of pain and loss and a life quickly forgotten. Thankfully...she will always live on in our spirits. She will always be our first born daughter - our Sarah Elizabeth. Not a day goes by where I don't remember her...and that's all that matters. I so appreciate all of you...forgive me for not walking closer to you in your losses and grief. Life is short and its fortunately not all about me.......

Pregnancy brain has officially arrived...

2009-04-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, so hopefully my profile is a bit cuter than Homer Simpson's...but nevertheless, you get the idea. My brain feels as if its slowly shrinking into a world of nothingness (is that a word?). I thought I was in the clear this time around, because our pregnancy with Sarah looked like the above photo the ENTIRE pregnancy! I would make lists to remember things and then forget about the lists. That's how bad it was. Joseph would do his best to bite his tongue when he came home from a long day of work to find that the 3 small things he asked me to do - would of course be left undone. Now hear me out. Part of that was due to my intimate relationship with the toilet. Yes, the toilet and I got very close last pregnancy. He often left for work as I was on the floor puking my brains out (maybe that's why our brains shrink!?) and then would find me in the same position when he came home 8hrs later. Oh the joy of 9 months of "morning" sickness. Ugh. This pregnancy has been different though...little throwing up has led (according to my new theory) to actually keeping my brains a bit longer! Ha.

So I'm officially in the third trimester now. Time flies when you're keeping your food in! 2/3rds of the way through...gosh, who would have thought! Last year at this time I was still carrying our sweet Sarah...next Friday is her 1 year birthday, its really hard to believe its been a year already. So much has happened in the last year. What's even crazier is that at the end of this pregnancy, I will have officially been pregnant 20 out of the last 24 months. That's insane. My poor body!! One positive aspect is that I'm not afraid of giving birth this time around. Nothing could be as painful and heartbreaking as the birth process last time around...all that pain and trauma and drawn out emotions...whew...I'll be happy to experience all the birth pain this time around with the final outcome a crying, chubby cheeked little guy. I can hardly wait. :)

So back to my original entry theme...pregnancy brain...see, I can't even write about it without getting side tracked and forgetting what I'm writing about! Just a few pregnancy brain (or as my friend put it: PIS - pregnancy induced stupidity) stories from the last week...

- Making dinner last week, I put the rice in the rice cooker like always and heard the "ding" indicating it was done waaaay faster than usual. My first thought was, wow...time really IS flying by! I discovered quickly that the rice actually was done....over done...because I had conveniently forgot to put the water in with it. I had prepared nicely heated and burnt smelling rice kernels ready for crunching on :)

- I planted some seeds last week in order to get some "starters" ready for spring planting. Lettuce, herbs, tomatoes...I can hardly wait...although I'll have to wait a little longer than normal because I planted the seeds and forgot a vital part of the process - water. They sat in nicely sunned soil for a good 3 or 4 days before I realized they weren't sprouting due to a lack of...ahem...water. Man, what's with me and water!?

- That reminds me....I've boiled water (again!?) on the stove at least 3 times, totally forgetting that I was boiling water. Come to find out later (after the water has all evaporated), that a little moisture in the air is actually great for my current allergy battle. Those were good "forgettings".

- There are so many more stories...but maybe one of the best was last night. I usually try and have dinner ready for Joseph every night when he gets home from work because he's always famished. If dinner isn't ready, our pantry doors will fly open and he'll start devouring anything and everything in sight until his belly is soon full of saltine crackers, corn chips and cereal. All very nutritious choices. :) Back to the story...last night he walked in the door to a wonderful house full of "baking" smells...he was so excited to see what it was I had created for dinner because again, he was starving! I was so proud to hand over a few dozen of his favorite oatmeal cookies...when he asked, "Wait, but what's for dinner?", I was a bit stunned...I had been so caught up in the after dinner dessert that I had altogether forgotten dinner itself! Gosh, at least that one didn't have to do with water...or did it?

- Okay...this last one is in honor of all those husbands living out the "sympathy pregnancy" symptoms. My husband has officially left the car keys to our beloved VW Vanagon in - yes, you guessed it - the ignition. Not once, not twice, but at least 4 times in the last couple months. Yesterday I was stuck at home because of these so called "lost keys". If only I didn't have pregnancy brain with him, or I would have remembered this bad little habit of his. I'm just thankful no one else has caught on to his bad habit or we may be absent of a very cool van :)

That's it for now. Third trimester here I come! If you think about us...pray that our (yes, Joseph too!) brains would begin to grow rather than shrink...otherwise we may forget we're pregnant all together!

Transition and Song :)

2009-03-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me well...you know that I've been in a a bit of a "desert" season for the last 3 years or so. So much has changed and shifted and been stripped away...I've cried more in these last 3 years than I probably have cried in my entire life put together! It's a long story and full of many ups and downs (which I'd be happy to share with you some day over a cup of coffee sitting on my porch - if only I wasn't in denial about my allergy to coffee - okay, tea!). Some of it was circumstantial (losing our daughter), but most of it was not...it was just God moving in and through my heart in a way that was desperately needed. Joseph has been an absolute life saver in the midst of it all...I'm thankful that God waited for such a time as this to allow me to wander through this desert with Joseph by my side - I honestly don't think I would have made it through to the other side without him!

All that to say - our sweet little boy has been a huge source of joy and life the last several months...living up to his name already! I guess I haven't shared with you his name yet! I had a few intense dreams back when I was still pregnant with Sarah. In the dream, I was giving birth to a beautiful, healthy little boy! This next part is a bit of an odd visual, but I had the Bible opened up between my legs to the book of James and I was literally pushing/delivering him through the book of James and into our arms :) What a dream, huh? In the dream, I heard the voice of God tell me that our little boy's name was River James Dalton. I've literally been given a River in the desert (Isaiah 43:19, "Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert."). The name James is also being lived out - "to take the place of" - which in this case, he has literally been taking the place of the pain, sorrow, deep sadness I've experienced in losing Sarah and my motherhood. He has been a true River of joy and peace in my belly...

A few weeks ago there was a visitor at church who played a song that totally wrecked me. I haven't really been moved by music in the last 3 years (serious desert!), but when this man started playing "How He Loves Us" I was totally undone. I can't remember if I blogged about it in an earlier entry...but I was doing great during the whole service, then at the end when this guy started playing the song, my heart broke and the mourning of Sarah was so fresh and real again. As I looked around me, there were literally about 8-10 little girls on all sides of me...some infants, some toddlers, but it didn't matter...the sadness came back like a tidal wave and I so badly wanted our little Sarah in my arms. I wanted to be the one holding our little girl. She should have been the one dressed up cute in the back row with little pink bows in her hair. It wrecked me. I know that mourning will be a life long process, so I'm thankful for little waves that God allows to wash over me ever so often...it reminds me that I'm human, that I'm weak and vulnerable and that only by His grace am I still standing in joy and peace.

I mention all this because a few days ago I heard the same song again. Something about this song kept washing over me and taking me to the core of my heart, my pain, my joy...I decided to look it up on You Tube and see who it was that wrote the song. I was amazed to listen to the story behind it and learn that the song was written for a friend who died...a friend whom this man missed terribly. A friend whose life was taken early, but with such great purpose. I like to believe this song is filled with Sarah's life too....maybe that's why it so moves my heart.

Here's the link to the video where the writer of the song shares his story...I'll attach another link below it with a version done by Kim Walker that I absolutely LOVE. I hope God moves in you as He did through me....enjoy :)

- John Mark McMillan's story about the song
- Kim Walker's version (love this one!)

23 weeks and counting...

2009-03-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

A week shy of the 6th month mark and I'm definitely showing! I think its a combo of this being my second pregnancy (muscles are already used to pregnancy mode and don't have to be stretched out again) and the fact that I'm not throwing up everything I eat like the last pregnancy. It's definitely been a different journey with this little guy - I can hardly wait to have him in my arms - feels like July is ages away!

We set up the crib this last week and I can hardly stop looking at it :) It's something we didn't get to do with Sarah and having it set up is making the whole pregnancy that much more real. God willing, we get to take a baby home with us this time around!! The combination of my uncontrollable excitement with a bit of OCD when it comes to keeping a clean and organized house is definitely leading to a "prepared" nursery :) We're actually keeping everything to a bare minimum, as I'm a firm believer in simplicity...so many toys, products, etc are marketed to the baby world without there being a real need for the product. So we're sticking to the basics and we'll wing it from there.

Overall, Joseph and I are doing really well. The sadness and mourning that I thought would never lift from my heart, has definitely made itself more scarce this last month or so. I find myself overwhelmed with joy and laughter - enjoying things I haven't been able to enjoy for months now. It's been 11 months since Sarah passed and in some ways it feels like just yesterday. I'm so thankful for the journey we've been on...for the gift of our sweet little girl...and the light that I'm beginning to feel/see at the end of the tunnel :)

Not the most exciting blog entry, but I thought I'd fill you in on my belly/crib/baby excitement anyway! :)

Healthy, Perfect little BOY!!

2009-02-26T14:28:00.000-08:00

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the prayers and support today! I felt crazy nerves all morning leading up to the appointment, but as soon as we parked and got out of the car - all the nerves left and I was totally at peace. The appointment was 100% different than last time. Everything out of his mouth was great news...he kept saying "perfect" as he scanned our sweet little boy head to toe. He's 11 inches long already and looks like he's going to be a lanky one :) Long arms and legs. We hardly got any good photos because he wouldn't sit still long enough to snap a picture! We do have one sweet profile picture of his face in 3D...I'll try to upload it sometime soon.

We are soooooo thankful. I feel like we jumped a HUGE hurdle today in this journey of healing. What a blessing to have a healthy little boy on the way. I can hardly wait for July to get here....

Thanks again for all the prayers....couldn't have done it without you!! Woooohoooo!! Time to celebrate :)

Learning to Grieve

2009-02-25T15:16:00.000-08:00

(picture taken from Associated Press)

I'll never forget moments living overseas where I've experienced other cultures grieving the loss of loved ones. During one stint in South Africa, I lost my Grandfather to a quick battle with cancer. It was devastating, but he had lived a long life and had lost his wife only months before to the same deadly disease...so if I can even assume such a thing, I think he was ready. No matter the timing of death, it is always tragic and a loss to those left behind. My dear friend from Kenya (Chep) wrapped her arms around me after finding out the news of my Grandfather and she began to weep with me. Chep was so concerned that I wasn't taking the time I needed to mourn and grieve the loss. In her tribe in Kenya, families from miles away tear their clothes and walk to the home of the mourning family with gifts of food and drink. People will literally stop everything in order to join this mourning feast. They will eat and cry and sleep and eat and cry some more...this can last up to a month before they assume "living" again.

As Westerners, I feel like we often dust mourning under the rug because of its inconvenience and discomfort to our daily lives. It's not always convenient to not go to work...and half the time we don't have the luxury of stopping work anyway. We also just don't know how to mourn. I personally never experienced death until I was 24 years old and lost my grandparents. I didn't know what to do, or what was appropriate.

All this to say...losing Sarah has been an extreme learning curve!!

It's been 10 months since I gave birth to Sarah. I've definitely struggled with my grieving "time line", not knowing how long it will or should last. Lately, I feel as if I can go days and days without feeling a hint of the deep sadness that came with her death. However, the grieving has definitely come in waves. It's felt a bit like a roller coaster, with each drop into sadness being a bit easier to handle. This last week I experienced another wave of grieving that felt different from the rest. I was at church and was actually having a really good day. The last 15 minutes of the service the kids came flooding back into the sanctuary after kids church and I suddenly found myself surrounded by little girls. It wasn't just one or two, but literally about 8 beautiful little girls ranging in age from 4 months to 4 years. Something in me broke and the tears came like a flood...I was missing my little girl. The girl I never had the chance to wrap in pink or dress with cute bows in her hair. I felt a sudden jealousy (I think in a healthy way), wishing that things had turned out differently and that one of those little girls was mine. I've learned that "wishing" doesn't lead to much change...so it quickly passed, but the sadness stayed with me for about a week. I'm not kidding - driving down the street and seeing little girls walking on the sidewalk would send me into a river of tears right behind the steering wheel.

It's okay. I know that. I think I just feel the pressure of our Western world often telling me to "get over it" and "move on". I can honestly say, I know I'll miss my little girl until the day I myself die. It's only natural. And I think its healthy...not to sit in the sadness and pout in the "should haves" and "I deserves"....but to allow the waves to come naturally, without a fight. I've found that by riding these waves, each new wave is a bit easier to cope with. I'm thankful for that.

Today is our 20 week ultra sound with Dr. Soffici. The day has finally come. Thanks for all your prayers and support...I'll post soon to let you know how it goes. Thankfully, my heart is at peace :)

Healthy Heartbeat

2009-02-06T14:54:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note...went to the doc today for my 18 week checkup and everything was great. The heartbeat was strong and healthy...it was like music to my ears after being sick for the last couple weeks! Babies are so tough, they really can endure tough situations thanks to the safety of the womb. Anyway, also found out that we have our "determining the sex" ultra sound on Feb. 26th, so that's exciting!! That's the appointment where we found out about Sarah's condition last time, so we're praying for some serious redemption this time around :) Just thought I'd let you know...thanks for reading!

Adventures at the County Clinic and Compassion

2009-02-03T15:59:00.000-08:00

Okay. So, for the last two weeks I've been really sick. I'm sure half of you reading this can attest to having fought the same sickness, as it seems like everyone I know is getting it. Even my parents, 3 states away, both got it! It's the nasty migraine, sore throat, sore ears, cough like crazy until you throw up type of sickness. Not fun. I've been fighting it with sleep (when my cough doesn't keep me awake) and lots of water, but its been two weeks and I'm still coughing like crazy and feel like my head is going to explode. Seeing that I'm 17 weeks pregnant, I thought it would be a good idea to go get checked out - just to make sure its not bacterial.

I was in a mourning group after we lost Sarah. The group was made up of about 7 women who had lost children. Most of the women had lost children to miscarriages in the first trimester, but a few had similar stories to ours. One lady had recently lost a 12 year old son to a sudden onset of leukemia. After spending 9 months with my little girl in the womb, I felt unbelievable love and connection to her...I can't even fathom losing a child you've spent 12 years of memories with. Breaks my heart. Anyway, one of the women was 30 weeks along when she picked up just a common virus from one of her son's friends. It was a sickness her body fought off, but for some reason it got through to the baby and caused him to go into heart failure and die. At the loss of Sarah, I really felt like it was also a loss of my innocence...but hearing this brought it to a whole new level. Healthy, normal, ten finger and ten toe babies are seeming more and more like a rare miracle to me! Those of you who have been gifted with healthy children - it truly is a gift.

All that to say...after battling this sickness for 2 weeks, I thought it was about time to get checked out just to make sure the baby was okay and that it wasn't something bacterial that could cause an infection in the womb.

The appointment was fine, the doctor did a quick (5 minute) exam and ruled out anything bacterial. She gave me a prescription that is "safe" for pregnant women and told me to get better. I won't take the prescription, but am thankful to know its not bacterial. I'll just have to keep resting. The true adventure though, was the smorgasbord of people that filled the 6 (yes 6!) different waiting rooms I was shuffled through. You had migrant workers, homeless, mentally ill, elderly, felons (two different people in shackles with cops waiting beside them)...you name it, they were there. I've never experienced government medicine before - I hope to never experience it again. I was shocked at the state of our local government health system. Shelves were barely stocked, doctors were depressed, patients were desperate...I was praying that I'd leave there free of any more sickness than when I came! Who knows what you can catch in those waiting rooms. My heart broke as I witnessed those in need being treated just as that...the desperate, the lonely, the uneducated and poor.

Joseph and I have been studying a bunch about judgment lately. I hate how easily I judge, it comes so naturally that its as if its woven into our DNA as humans. I see a woman walking down State Street with a bunch of Saks Fifth Ave bags hanging from her shoulder and I immediately judge her for being selfish and not giving that money to the poor. I see a migrant worker and judge him uneducated just because of stereotypes. How dare me! Most of the time I'm not even consciously doing it. A huge lesson I've learned in all of this....judgement and compassion CANNOT co-exist. If I'm judging, I can't be walking in compassion. Ouch. To take it a step deeper, I learned last night that the root of compassion is the literal word "womb". We are called to carry others as if they were in a womb...a place of peace, rest, love and unconditional care. I learned so much from my Sarah - I learned how to love the unlovely, how to care for those who are deemed "lost" or "unworthy". After having that revelation about compassion and the womb, it seemed even more appropriate that Sarah survived as long as she did - she was not only surrounded by my physical care and love, but she was breathing in and out the very essence of compassion. I love that...and I want to do that for the people around me. I want to be in places like the County Clinic and have eyes that envelope people with compassion and a heart that pours from the River of Life...sweet love and care.

Lord, teach us how to love....how to not judge...and how to walk in compassion.

Baby Dalton #2

2009-01-25T10:25:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of the month we had our 3 month ultra sound for little Dalton #2 and it went great. It never fails that on the way to the doctor my stomach gets tied into knots and I feel like I'm going to lose whatever I just ate! Every doctor appointment with Sarah was stressful and hard. We'd pray and prepare our hearts just to go in, knowing that it most likely wouldn't be good news. We chose to stay in a place of hope, knowing God was bigger...but the reality of disappointment is still real. Its funny, because my heart went into this particular doctor appointment really excited and hopeful, but its as if my body knows just by the route we're driving that we're about to embark on another dreaded doctor day. Ha.

It was a little disappointing because most of the appointment was spent talking about the last pregnancy and the chances of that happening again, etc. We know that what Sarah had wasn't genetic, but we also know that bad things happen - its just life...and just because it happened to us once, doesn't mean it can't happen again. So in the midst of hope, we're also being real. Don't get me wrong, we're not expecting anything to be wrong...we're just living life and taking it day by day...and let me tell you, we are extremely thankful for each day :)

It was such a relief to see our little one on the ultra sound when the time finally came. It was a quick encounter, but definitely worth the wait! He/she was all curled up in fetal position and at one point had his/her hand resting on his cheek. Too cute! (okay, the whole "his/her" thing is too hard, or maybe I'm just lazy...haha, but we have a hunch its a boy so I'll just go with that!) The picture above isn't the greatest - its a picture from below him...so you're looking at the back of his head on the left, then the back of the little shoulders and then his back...the legs and arms are tucked in. I know, not super exciting....but I wanted to share it with you anyway! You all have been such an encouragement and a support to us in this season. I love knowing that we're not alone...and each time I see a comment I'm shocked that people are actually still reading this! Our little Sarah is still living on in our hearts and I'm thankful to keep this page going as well. I know she's probably excited to be sharing it now with her little sibling to come :)

A few things I'm especially excited for this time around:
1. Baby showers!!
2. Actually registering for baby stuff
3. Being able to relate with other pregnant moms in their excitement
4. Preparing our house for a baby and not having to put it all away after the big day
5. Taking the baby stuff out of the closet...every time I walk by this particular closet I get a bit sad knowing that all these precious baby clothes and gifts are stuffed away.
6. Hearing our little one cry...just thinking about it makes me cry!
7. The joy of breast feeding and not having to endure the pain of letting my milk dry up like last time...
8. And finally...leaving the hospital with a child in my arms, wow...what a gift that will be

My New Year....

2009-01-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

Today is January 7th. The day that rocked my world one year ago. Joseph and I got up and made a special breakfast. It was going to be a good day. The cabin was cold and we had a fire going, nothing like waking up to a fire on a frosty mountain morning. It was the day we were to find out the sex of our child! We had just come back from a CO Christmas where we had received a HD Video Camera for Christmas...we were so excited to use it. So excited to start documenting our beautiful child's life. Today was the beginning. We got ready. Got the camera rolling. I was especially excited....I had remembered several dreams about this little child and I was sure it was a girl. Everything in me knew. But I also had a gut feeling that something wasn't quite right. Even from the beginning...the very first pregnancy test...my heart knew something was wrong. This day only confirmed it.

We had the video camera rolling the entire drive down the mountain. It was a beautiful day. The ocean was glassy and the islands were especially crisp and clear. We had Red House Painters playing in the background...it couldn't have been more peaceful, more serine. We eventually made our way to Dr. Soffici's office - his name still haunts me...he was the bearer of ALL bad news throughout our whole journey with Sarah. After parking, Joseph got the camera rolling again as I shyly spoke into the lense to tell of our mornings adventure. We were about to find out if we were having a little boy or girl. I was nervous. He continued filming as I climbed the steps up to the doctors office. Told the receptionist my name. Sat down in the waiting area among other pregnant women. I never felt like I fit in. They were huge...glowing with excitement with bellies that looked like they were about to pop. I was already 5 months along and still hardly showing. Something in my gut knew there was something off....something wrong.

Eventually they called my name and we stumbled back into his office. I laid out on the table, showing my non-existant belly as he grabbed the bottle of jelly and squeezed. Joseph tried to get the video camera rolling again, but for some odd reason the battery had died. By the grace of God.

The next few moments were moments I'll never forget. As I watched the screen and saw what looked like a beautiful little girl, the doctor went on to say things like, "Oh no" and "I'm so sorry". I turned cold and white. Joseph put his jacket over me to try and stop the shivering. I was in shock. My baby was going to die. The doctor advised us to abort soon.

We left with tears in our eyes, shaking bodies and sunken hearts. I remember looking out at the women in the waiting room with such sadness. They were having healthy babies. Mine had just had a death sentence spoken over her. Life would never be the same...

That was the beginning of our year. It was the beginning of a crazy year of hope and faith, as well as death and loss...depression and doubts. Nothing in me would take it all back. Nothing in me would trade our journey with my sweet little girl for the comfortable life. She was our first born. Our Sarah...

I'm considering today my New Years Eve...and tomorrow the beginning of a whole NEW year. Ironically, tomorrow I go in for my first ultra sound for this new little one within me. I'm only 14 weeks along, but it will be refreshing to see our little one moving and kicking around. I can't say I don't have some fear and worry in me...but I've learned through all this to not expect anything. I'm not expecting a perfect child to be placed in my arms at the end of this pregnancy, but I'm also not expecting the worst to happen again. Instead, I'm allowing my heart to rest in peace and just take things one day at a time. There's no other way to live...

So...Happy New Year to those who have continued to read our blog. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your prayers. I can only hope that this new year will hold more joy and laughter than the last....

Dear Sarah,

2008-11-30T19:25:00.000-08:00

I'm really missing you today. We had a house full of guests over the holidays...all of your family was here running around like crazy, enjoying the festivities of your Auntie's engagement and a Thanksgiving feast! Ellie and Nicholas were here too...they would have really loved you. You would have loved them. They were busy playing with trucks and dolls and exploring the backyard. Ellie and I combed the beach for sea glass and ran from the waves before they touched our feet. I didn't realize how much I was missing you in all of this until everyone left...until the house was quiet again. It was then I realized what we're missing in not having you here.

I had dreamed of your joy and laughter and even cries filling our little house. Every space would have been occupied with your presence...with your life. Now, we sit empty...and after having the kids here for a week, my heart grieves even more the silence that embodies us.

For the most part we're doing really well. Your memorial service was so healing. I didn't want to let that dove go...I felt I was finally letting you go...but after releasing it and watching it join the rest of the flock, I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. Thanks for being there with us. Thanks for showing up. I feel the reality of your heavenly presence even more now than I did before. Your ashes are no longer sitting on our book shelf and your baby blanket is no longer in view. My heart deeply misses you, but I'm thankful to have stepped further into healing.

Another change is that we're pregnant again! We're not sure whether we're 2 or 3 months along - we still have to visit the doctor - but its exciting none the less :) I know that this child will never replace you, but only add to our family. I've been pushing away the fears that something is wrong with this child too. The pregnancy has been relatively easy so far compared to when I carried you, so in some ways it feels too good to be true. Hopefully it is just the grace of God.

I miss you my sweet girl. I miss the sounds that never came from your beautiful mouth. I miss the memories that will never be....but I'm thankful for the time I did have with you. I'm thankful that you are safe and comfortable, away from the pain and struggle of this world. I'm thankful for you.

With all my heart,

Your Mommy

Beauty for Ashes...

2008-11-23T07:54:00.001-08:00

Memorial Service for Sarah Elizabeth...

2008-11-18T11:55:00.000-08:00

Hello again,

It's been a while since we have written concerning Sarah Elizabeth. Six months have passed since her birth and we have slowly been moving forward in healing and restoration of our hearts. We have decided that it is time to do a memorial service. We questioned doing one at all, but have found that our hearts really need this closure.

We wanted to extend an open invitation to anyone who would like to come. The service is at noon, it will be a simple and short service to honor God and to honor Sarah. We chose this time for those that may be working so you can stop by on your lunch break.

Memorial Service for Sarah Elizabeth Dalton
Friday, November 21st, 2008 at twelve o'clock noon

Santa Barbara Cemetery
901 Channel Dr
Santa Barbara, CA 93108

It is not necessary to wear the traditional "black" - just come as you are, there is no need to dress up unless you want to.

Thank you. We really look forward to seeing you there.

Joseph and Jennifer Dalton

Healing for the Heart

2008-10-23T14:21:00.000-07:00

Check out the new website for our ministry Healing for the Heart! We started the journey into this alternative approach to counseling right around the time Sarah was conceived....so her life and our journey with her and intimately intertwined with this ministry. We are so thankful for all that she taught us in her short life here on earth...we will forever be grateful.

Click here....Healing for the Heart website!

6 months

2008-10-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe tomorrow will mark 6 months since I gave birth to Sarah. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday. Other days I feel as if the whole thing was just a dream. Joseph's sister Laura created this beautiful image out of Sarah's footprints...I've loved looking at it every day as I wake up as a reminder of the journey, the loss and the gain.

Yesterday when I saw her footprints, something in me unraveled. It brought back memories of her sweet spirit within me. Her strong kick to my ribs (which I would give anything to have back!) The journey of giving birth to her as a stillborn. I remember laying on the hospital bed and being told "her heart is no longer beating". It was the most devastating end to such a heroic fight for life and for justice. I looked at Joseph and said, "I'm not pushing a dead baby out. They can cut me open. I'm done."

As we sat in the dry, empty room, my mind passed back over the journey and something in me shifted. I had fought for an entire pregnancy, why would I give up now? I don't know if it was the mother within me, or the desire to finish what we had started...but some kind of hope rose up in me and I knew I had to go through with the labor. How could I opt out for a c-section after all that we had been through? I felt like I owed it to Sarah...she deserved a natural entry into this world...even though she would never call it home.

Memories flooded back of holding Sarah. Her long legs and her cute little stomach. Her soft hands and her beautiful head of hair. I have regrets. I regret allowing the nurse to take her from my arms when she did. Why didn't I say no? Why didn't I request more time with my daughter? This was my only chance to hold her in this lifetime. I regret not taking more pictures of Joseph and I holding her. I regret not taking time with her myself. Alone. Just mom and daughter. It all happened so fast and people were busy coming in and out of the room. I regret opening the bag they brought in shortly after they took her away, only to find the outfit we had dressed her in all folded up and back in our hands. Why did they give me these so soon? Why did they leave her naked? I couldn't help but picture my sweet little girl...all alone, naked and cold. I wish they would have kept her clothes on. I wish I wouldn't have opened the bag.

I miss my little girl, but life goes on. We're moving forward and doing our best to balance "remembering" Sarah with staying in the moment of today - not the past. I realized today that I still have a lot to work through. Six months has just scratched the surface of all of my questions, doubts, regrets, confusion, etc. In my heart, I know that Sarah is in the best place possible. She's among the best company we could ask for. I sometimes daydream of Sarah playing in Heaven with Joseph's father Jack. I imagine the look in his eyes as he gazes at our daughter - does he see his son in her? Is he getting a glimpse of me, the daughter-in-law he was never able to meet? I hope they've met...I hope they're in each others arms.

I still need to work through the healing of "why didn't it turn out different?" Why are all my friends having perfectly healthy babies with no complications? Some are 3, 4, 5 healthy kids down the road. My sister-in-law just announced that she's pregnant with her 3rd. As excited as I was to imagine another niece or nephew in our lives, I couldn't help but feel the sadness creep in. Why aren't we pregnant again God? When will you allow us to have children? Is there more healing you want for me before I get pregnant? If so...please, bring it quickly...to have a child in my arms - a child we call our own - I think I will fall to my face in thanksgiving and joy.

Days have passed...

2008-06-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

It's been 6 weeks since I walked out of Cottage Hospital and straight into the face of grief. 6 weeks since my body shrunk and left behind a beautiful sleeping child in the hands of her Creator. Days have passed...and are still passing...

I'm not sure where to start, but I wanted to share with you how Joseph and I are holding up since the passing of our precious Sarah Elizabeth. Joseph has definitely worn the pain a lot more gracefully than I can admit to...but I know also that he didn't have the experience of carrying Sarah and connecting with her every hour of every day. The grief is real and the loss is tangible, but his heart is grateful and his eyes full of life. For me, on the other hand...let's just say that if I had been given the task of writing updates on this blog, well, they wouldn't have washed over you quite as nicely as Joseph's words did. Don't get me wrong...my heart said "yes" to every word he wrote. I'm thankful for the way he positioned his heart. It allowed all of us to join in the journey that God had so evidently orchestrated. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it had been my hands writing the updates...it would have looked more like a chaotic combination of instruments rather than a peaceful river of music.

So how are we now? Well...it depends on the day, the hour and often even the minute that you may ask. Some days I'm filled with joy and thankfulness, others I give life my best effort and may only get to the end of our driveway before turning around and deciding I'm not ready to face the world. Every car seat and stroller, pregnant woman and baby girl seem to pull the plug on my never ending tears...it seems that everything around me reminds me of Sarah and the loss of my motherhood. I know that we will have healthy children when the time comes to get pregnant again...but the reality is that I wanted my beautiful little girl in my arms NOW, not someday when I make my way into life after death. I had spent 9 months preparing my heart, my mind, my emotions and even my home for this sweet little girl to be joining our family. 9 months passed and instead of giving birth to a healthy little girl like we had dreamed and hoped and prayed for...I gave birth to silence. And that silence seems to be what I'm fighting the most in this sadness. My home, even though she never was here, seems to be so silent with her laughter and cries missing. It's a silence that no music can fill...a void that seems to be a sort of endless pit.

I have hope.

Although my arms are empty and my heart full of pain and loss, I know that my little girl is in the best possible place we could ask for as her parents. I know that God is good and that in the midst of all of this, His character and His incredible destiny for us has not been shaken or moved. I know that there are people going through pain and grief so similar to mine every day of every year...

Yet all that "knowing" still doesn't erase what I'm feeling. So...I'm learning to be real. I'm learning that its okay to "not be okay". I'm learning that for once, I don't have to be strong or spiritual about all of this...but that I can sit back and rest and cry and take the time I need to breathe through all that's needing to be processed. I have a husband that is incredibly patient and loving and family and friends who I know are praying and loving me the best they know how. I'm so thankful for all of that. I'm so grateful to "know" and have a foundation with God that has allowed me to ask the hard questions and look into the pain without ignoring the truth of how wonderful our Father truly is.

I wanted to let you all know that we are well. It has been hard (that may be an understatement), but it has also been beautiful and surprisingly special. I'm thankful that God chose us to walk through Sarah's 9 months of life with her...I have so much to learn from her. Although to some, she seems like only a passing wind, I know that Sarah will be a part of our lives forever. She will forever be our daughter and we will forever be her mom and dad.

Thanks again for all the prayers and support that continue to come our way...all the flowers and cards and meals. You all have been such an encouragement to Joseph and I. Thank you.

We are hoping to continue to update The Sarah Pages as time goes on...so check back every once in a while to see if we've taken the time to write again :) We have loved sharing in this journey with all of you and hope to continue to share with you in all that's to come...

With a thankful heart,

Jen (and Joseph)

99 Balloons...

2008-04-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

An old friend sent a video link to me the other day. It's a short video (6 minutes), but helped bring some much needed healing to my heart. It's a story about another couple who went through a similar journey to Joseph and mine...only this family was graced with 99 days with their little Eliot. Please watch, we really think you'd be as blessed as we were. (thanks to Stone Crandall for recommending it!)

99 Balloons

In case the above link doesn't work...here is the web address: http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons

much love, jen

Words From Jen's Journal

2008-04-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

"Meditation is old and honorable, so why should I
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, properly
attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion.
Can one be passionate about the just, the ideal, the
sublime, and the holy, and yet commit to no labor
in it's cause? I don't think so.

All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds towards radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of - indolence, or action.

Be ignited, or be gone." - Mary Oliver

I know there is more to this journey than simply a great tragedy. I know that mixed into the grieving and the pain are laces of humor and joy, romance and love. I can't help but think of my Sarah as a seed of kindness, sown into my womb by Joseph... and developed and nurtured in grace by God. The seed was planted deep within me on my birthday - a gift I will never forget. My state of weakness and silence from my Father left me in a vulnerable seat I called home for the last nine months. Daily Joseph would visit my heart in this seat - carefully tending to the fragile seed within me that we now know to call Sarah. He watered me with his love and encouragement, his affection, his grace and compassion. He spoke to me of the wisdom of God - of the truth that he is so familiar with, because of pain resurrected into joy in the past. Laughter was slowly filling his cup and from it, he poured into me. God spoke to Joseph - Joseph spoke to my heart - and the seed grew.

Sarah was more than a seed, she represented life, joy, courage, endurance, fight, grace and kindness. She represented victory over this consuming world of pain and loss. When i thought she had lived her last day, she'd gently remind me of her presence by a soft blow to the ribs... and sure enough, the water would pour a fresh from Joseph's heart and give me the courage to carry her yet another day. I can honestly say it was never easy. I never felt confident to move forward without the arms of my Joseph carrying me - and the arms of our Father, invisible as they may have seemed, wrapped around the three of us ever so tightly. His touch was never felt. His breath never heard - but His manifestation was made known through my husbands willing ear to hear.

Sarah was a gift on so many different levels - she was a seed of kindness planted in my womb. She was a humble, beautiful heart seen in my husbands sacrificial love and service. She was the invisible voice of God only making itself visible through the words written on the Sarah Pages. She was my grace in the morning - my reason to live. She was a gift immeasurable. I know God's plans far exceed my own - but my aching breasts and my love filled arms already miss the weight of her presence. I can't understand why she's better off next to you in Heaven Father - but I surrender my trust to you - for i really don't have another choice. If I choose anger or frustration, I wouldn't be true to what my heart knows of you. If I choose silence and distance, my heart will grow famished... For now it needs love more than ever. So I choose love - even though it comes with pain and sorrow, grieving and loss. I would be lying to myself and others if I didn't take the time my heart needs to breath out all the pain - all the loss. I've suffered an incredible loss, the loss of my motherhood - and that void will have to sit empty for awhile. Only God knows what's next...

"running with the wild horses..."

2008-04-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

This entry is from an email I received from my friend Joyce in Ontario. I felt it should be shared here. Thanks Joyce!

"Your story of Sarah makes me want to share so much, and maybe I will one day. All I want to say right now is that I feel your journey of running with the wild horses...of running with the river. ..letting its current make you run faster than you would have on your own steam. I feel your abandonment to it, feeling the scrape of the rocks and other things but letting the exhilaration of where you are going pull you along. It's a nervous and adrenalin pumping run, but when you collapse on the bank of the river, you feel the breeze on your wet skin and the throbbing of bruised and beaten up limbs.... and when your heart eventually quiets, you will feel the sun penetrate you and something happening inside. When you are rested and ready, you'll know when it is time to get up and see what happens next. And you'll never doubt that you should have run so full on with the currant. The bruises and the scrapes will be healed. And you will see with the eyes of your heart that it was all worth it. That by opening the door to Sarah, you opened the door to so much more...her decision to come to earth was a fight for others who are not fought for....things will be different for those who do not have a voice, for she stands before the Lord with the voice of authourity, speaking for those other little ones who agreed to come to earth and for their parents who do not open a door for them. things will never be the same here on earth because of Sarah and because of you. In the secret and the quiet place where God is vulnerable and gives Himself and lets part of Himself manifest and grow into a little baby, there is holiness, and there is a healthy fear of the Lord. Sarah fought for that.
Please put this away if it's not good for you. Please forgive me if it's not right. I feel joy and triumph for Sarah and for your spirits. My soul identifies somewhat with your journey of walking to the cross...like Mary who watched her baby walk to his cross, taking her heart with him."

I love you guys from up here in Ontario. Thank you for including me.
your sister and friend
Joyce

From us to you (News of Sarah's Passing)

2008-04-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

From us to you –

Jen and I wanted to let everyone know what has recently taken place concerning Sarah. A few days ago our time of caring for her came to an end. Sarah is no longer with us. She is now free and enjoying all that God has for her. We are so thankful for that. We are so glad she could go be with Him before ever knowing the kind of pain we feel today. Our loss is so very real. There are no words to describe what this is like. But I can also say the comfort of His love is equally as real and present for us. We don’t have answers to so many things, but having questions isn’t bad. It comes with the territory. Pain and loss is never easy to understand. We are allowing the questions to be present without forcing there to be answers. We are so glad to know she is running free, wide eyed and full of joy. This is comforting to remember when our hands are left empty. We had hoped for and believed in a different outcome to this story, and we are glad we did. It is what gave us hope, and hope is a good thing, it’s sometimes the best of things. Without it we would of withered a long time ago. Instead we had days filled with joy, laughter and the dreams of what might come of us with Sarah. We cannot tell you how much our lives were enriched by her being with us. Each day was a gift. And like it is when you lose a son or a daughter, the loss is overwhelming… It’s hard not to be undone. We feel the loss today but it’s only because we loved, and loving is never wrong. We knew there was only one bridge to life for Sarah for her to finally be with us. We knew that bridge would be one of miracles. It was a long shot, but there was no other way for us to go. We were entrusted with her to give her the best possible chance at life. We feel we’ve done that to the best of our ability. So we don’t feel any regret. Instead we truly feel the pleasure of God over us for caring for her life in the way it feels He wanted us to. Life is hard sometimes and circumstances can feel unfair. We know what that’s like… we just want people to know that you can face anything with God next to you. It’s not to say you won’t feel pain, because you will, it’s just you won’t be alone in it, and you won’t stay broken and shattered when it’s all over. He will stay with you… He will come… and He will heal all that hurts, and then He will show you there is life after the ashes. We are in the midst of this right now.

God saw that there was a better way for this to end, or you could say, carry on. We are yet to understand all the ways in which this was the better way… but we will soon enough, and if not, that’s okay too. It won’t change what we know to be true. God is good… He is faithful and loving – perfectly loving. And in this situation it was and is so evident, and so very true that He is all those things. He has done great things. If we had the time and the energy, we could tell you story after story of His perfect love in this situation. Some day maybe we will.

For us this journey carries on. It carries on for all of us. So many of you stood with us. You have no idea how much this has meant to us. We weep with thankfulness over your hearts for us and for Sarah. We want you to know you have touched us deeply with your many acts of kindness and love. All of you who prayed and wept with us, who laughed and celebrated our victory over death, who carried us in the bosom of your hearts… you are our treasures, our lights in the darkness as we walked through this valley. Our debt to you is beyond repaying. Please know it didn’t go unnoticed, not by us, and certainly not by God who sees in secret. Your hearts are beautiful to us and we only wish to be there for you in the same way you’ve been here for us. We are eternally grateful to you – We so want to say thank you. Thank you a thousand times for lifting us up when all we could do was lay down and surrender. Heaven touched our hearts on countless days and we know it was you who opened the window to let in the cool breeze. If we could compare you to anything we would say you are like the sunshine after the rain. You refreshed our hearts and gave us of your own faith, which strengthened us on many days when we could walk no longer – blessings to you. You will be remembered… and if I could speak for Sarah I’m sure she would say to you as well – “thank you. Thank you for caring for my Mom and Dad.”

Though she is not with us, she is alive, and the journey continues on, except she is there and we are here. We carry on seeing her in our minds dancing and spinning in the beauty of our dreams, where she is the pearl – the princess of our lives, running along the beach where we long to lift her up into our arms and kiss her bright and shiny face. We feel her absence so very intensely and our grief pours out.

So this is how it happened:

On the seventeenth of April, Jen gave birth to Sarah. Unfortunately Sarah’s heart had stopped working some time before the seventeenth, possibly two days before, but we’re not sure. For Sarah her life with us began on Jen’s birthday when she was conceived. And by the hand of God her life with us ended as timely as it began, on my birthday. It seems her life and her times were truly chosen by God. And now thankfully, Sarah and I share the same birthday. Jen and I will be able to celebrate my birthday and Sarah’s birthday together for years to come. For me as her father, it’s a special gift.

So as the story goes we checked into the hospital on Wednesday because Jen had been having contractions consistently for well over twelve hours. Soon after arriving we had an ultra-sound done. We had a sense something was wrong the previous day. The ultra-sound confirmed it - her heart was no longer beating. That was Wednesday morning. Thursday night at ten twenty-two, after a sleepless night and hours of labor, Jen gave birth to Sarah. I won’t go into details of all that happened while in the hospital. I will just say it was rough. It was emotionally draining, physically exhausting, and spiritually difficult. I have to say though, that Jen was a true champion in the way she gave herself to giving birth to Sarah. She showed incredible courage and strength enduring unbelievably hard circumstances. I saw so much beauty in her during that time. I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. I witnessed her as an expression of grace - selfless, sacrificial, loving while under tremendous pressure. She fought for her little girl like the best Mom would finishing the race with honor, dignity and heart like I’ve never seen before. I’m sure she made Sarah proud too. She was my hero that day, as she was every day carrying Sarah with love and tenderness. What I saw in her these many months made me understand so much more how some blooms are more beautiful than others because of the adversity in which they open up.

After Sarah was born we were able to have as much time with her as we needed. It was incredibly hard and confusing and painful. You don’t know how to feel in moments like that. Sarah is beautiful and looks so much like her mother. Her lips and nose and facial features spoke of Jen. She had a stout head of hair as well like her Dad, dark and thick. Holding her was timeless. She was so delicate and tiny and sweetly serene, like she had known no trauma. It was like looking at a face you would someday know intimately in your heart… the connection between parent and child is undeniable. Everything was sort of surreal when we were with her with so many different emotions colliding and running into each other in the same space. We are still feeling that now. The journey without Sarah is now beginning and many things in our hearts are still finding a place to land. It seems it will take time, and time we will take. We can join with others in saying we don’t understand why things happen the way they do. We know there is a tendency to seek answers and understanding so as to comfort the pain. But we are just trying to allow the questions to be there without requiring answers or understanding. We are simply trusting God for his timing and understandings with things. He’s shared with us so much already, it’s just that death has a way of confronting what’s inside like nothing else. That’s why we are moving slowly through all of this and letting our hearts breathe out all that’s happened, while breathing in what His is giving us today.

Please pray for us… for this is not over. We have many more obstacles to walk through. We are so thankful for friends and for family. You have all made us feel very much not alone. We thank you for that. We plan on sharing in the grieving with all of you, for it is a loss for all of us. We realize this is not just about us, it’s about the collective “us”. And we are in this together. We aren’t wanting to isolate at all, so please understand that. We’ve just needed a few days to collect ourselves and find shelter for our hearts. It took a lot out of us over the last so many days and we are gathering the pieces of our hearts back together… and we want to do that with our friends, and we will. Thank you for giving us this time. Thankfully we are in a new home, which is a perfect gift from God… we love it here already. It’s a home full of light, full of perspective (a view), and sits on a hill looking to horizons (ocean) that fall off the earth. It is a kiss from God to be here.

Thanks again for traveling with us this far… we love being with you all. And if you would like… we would like to invite you to stay with us still, as we would like to carry on with you wherever life will take us. Our lives all come into rough waters sooner or later, without fail and to have friends in the storm can often be the difference between arriving or being lost at sea. The storms are also a part of what makes this life worth living, for the joys wouldn’t be as great without the valleys in between. We are all traveling together towards the same destination, towards our true resting place. And for us when we get there, there will be a little toe head in the welcoming party that will run to us with arms open wide… we will finally be reunited with our little girl, and nothing will separate us from her again.

May God be the one to receive Glory from her life, from all that she gave to us. May all that has come from this circumstance bring Him honor. Let it be for ages to come and for eternity to come a testimony of His unfailing love, of His unrelenting faithfulness. When things are most difficult and it seems like there is no way out and all is lost, that even then, God is trustworthy - that in His infinite power, wisdom and love, He will see us through to a brighter day. For we know and are to know that our lives will continue to see a life of love and laughter increasing, even when we suffer loss. We are to see this joy growing more and more, even as we come to know that the ones we have lost, though they are departed, are laughing with Jesus, enjoying the splendor and beauty of His outrageous personality, and that soon we will join them and every low place in our hearts will be filled. God is so good… we know it even more today. Thank you Jesus. You are more wonderful than words. Bless you guys. Thanks again for being with us. May your reward from Him be Heaven itself, alive and living in your hearts. And as Jen dreamt one night about Sarah and having a conversation with God about Sarah in the dream He said: “Sarah is a fire starter, she’s to ignite hearts.” May it be so. May her life give to your heart and life, a new fire to go live life well, even when it all seems lost.

From us to you with thanks,

Joseph and Jen
and Sarah Elizabeth too

Reed Baskets...

2008-03-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

"She (moses' mother) got him a papyrus reed basket and covered it over with tar and pitch. Then she put the child into it, and set it among the reeds by the bank of the Nile." Exodus 2

A few days ago Father showed me this basket of tar and pitch. I was praying... waiting... listening, as you do, and this picture, in the spirit, came into view. I saw this reed basket floating on the water. I saw it set among the reeds, gently moving to the ripples in the water as they rolled through the long stems of the plants. And then it was like this understanding started to unfold inside me as I considered what I was seeing. I felt God saying:

"Place Sarah there. . ."
"Where Father? . . ."
"Place Sarah in there."

There came a time for even the mother of Moses to step into abandoned trust, possibly deeper than she had ever known. In her situation there was nothing left for her to do to help her son. All the options had been exhausted. She had kept Moses from death for three months. But then it says, "... when she could hide him no longer...", she built a basket to place her son in. Imagine doing this with your child, placing him/her in a basket on a river among the reeds... How desperate must she had been to do that. It seems Moses' mother didn't know what was going to happen to Moses. Her child had a destiny, but early on it was weighing in the balance. They didn't know what was going to happen to him. All it says is that, "... his sister stood at a distance to find out what would happen to him." Imagine the powerlessness she must of felt... unbelievable.

Jen and I know what this feels like. There's nothing more we can do to keep Sarah from all the trouble and/or death that's being spoken over her. We don't agree with that outcome... but that's where things are going if we don't see God's intervention, for her condition has been clearly stated to us by the doctors who have looked at her. There's no other option for us, for her, except for the power of God to come and be revealed.

So like Moses' mother we are now building our reed basket. We are trusting God once again for the outcome of her life. We are so thankful to be able to do that because there is no better or safer place to put her in. It's where we've been... it's just now the complexity of the problem is increasing. I can't go into here. But we have decisions to make that are not easy... Therefore we are building our "reed boat" trusting her into the arms of God.

The faithfulness of God finds us when we are weak. Jen and I are in a place of weakness. And He is finding us everyday. We are not strong and hear Him telling us again, "His power(strength) is perfected in our weakness." So we've been finding that our strength is really in the happy countenance of Jesus - in His perspective, in His irrepressible joyfulness. It's been securing us in love so far as we have been facing things with Sarah. Since the diagnosis of Sarah's condition, joy and laughter has been a present strength in our hearts and lives. We are keeping ourselves there as much as we can. Things can get too serious too fast. We're doing our best not to move from this place of joy... but sometimes it's not easy - pray for us. We know how unable we are to change things for her without Him. The situation is impossible... there is nearly nothing we can do fix it. But these impossibilities are subject to the Word of God. And we are going to keep speaking the Word of God over her until the Word becomes flesh - that's the plan.

Thankfully we have felt His manifest goodness surrounding us. It's been tangible. And so many people have represented to us how wonderful He is. We've felt people's care for us. We see His face in all of you. We've seen Him reveal His heart in all the countless ways people have opened to us in kindness and compassion. All of it is treasured in our hearts. We are so thankful for all of it. We are so thankful for all the love you've shown us.

But right now it's been a rough two weeks and we feel the toll that it's taken on our hearts. We have felt our hearts hurt with the gravity of all that could go wrong. Doctor visits are difficult and becoming even more difficult. The reality of what could happen to Sarah is sometimes difficult not to feel in our hearts. We feel the pressure building and we have decisions to make.

An added stress to our situation is that we are still unable to find a place to live. We didn't get the rental we were hoping for - that's okay, but it would be great to get into a place soon. June third is our due date - not too far away. Where we are staying now is a real gift to us. We have no complaints whatsoever, but we've felt is was temporary and we don't want to over stay our welcome. We want to be in the place He has for us. And right now, it's here, and we are thankful for that - we truly are. We are loved here, and it's safe for us. I could say many wonderful things about this arrangement, but it's not like having your own place where you can prepare a room for your child - we can't. It's not that kind of a situation. So it makes it ackward to know how to handle that. Jen's feeling the natural desires to create a place for Sarah, and we aren't able to do that right now. We aren't preparing physically for her arrival yet... and we need to. It's apart of expressing what our faith believes to be true, that she is going to live and be with us. It's all quite intense. We are walking on water and risking. We want to create a room that would be filled with a little life. But there is no guarantees. It's all faith. What is faith without risk? So we are in a holding pattern right now resting in His timing. But when we are cleared to land we want to get the signal and get down on the ground accordingly. We want to hear the sound, see the way, and go in it.

"And when she saw that he was beautiful, she hid him for three months." There she (Moses' mother) is hiding her baby from death - what a situation. Jen and I have been experiencing this. We've been doing the same. We see that Sarah is beautiful and we want to keep her hidden from death.

And like it is for us, so it was for Moses' mother. There came a day when she could no longer keep the child hidden. Her own abilities to keep the child out of harms way were running out. There was no avoiding the reality that she was limited in what she could do to keep the child alive. Whatever things she could do to facilitate keeping him safe were no longer available to her anymore. She had to do something else. It seems at this point there was no other option for her but to move to a whole new place of trust. Somehow another way did open up to her. Something happened to give her the idea of a reed basket. All other doors seemed to have closed on her. Maybe God gave her the idea, I don't know. One thing it's saying to me from this story is that with God there is always a way, especially when it seems impossible. A reed basket covered in pitch and tar... what an idea to save a life.

Little Moses was placed in a basket covered with tar and pitch, the very life blood of trees. Once placed in the basket his life was surrounded by it. We are doing the same with our Sarah. We are placing her in the blood of Jesus and it covers her. As she sits in the reed basket of Jen's body, as she sits in the faithfulness of God, as her Mom and Dad trust her into the care of the Father, we wait patiently to see what will happen to her. We cover her with life everyday as we pray for her. She is our Sarah, our song, the princess we make melody in our hearts about.

It's about trust. It's about persevering under pressure. It's about resting in the faithfulness of God, trusting in who He is to us. We can do only so much in our capacities as people. We are limited. But with God, crazy things can happen - amazing things. Things that defy explanation other than the fact that God is real and does care about us and can do wonderful things for us simply because He is like that - He's wonderful! He's loving. He's unbelievably beautiful. Think of the most beautiful thing... and whatever that is doesn't come close to the beauty of God. So anyway, God is present and for us. He's got our backs and well He's got just about everything else too. All of us can't forget that. We are trying not to forget as well.

Thank you for praying for us. We so need it. Bless you for caring about us, for reading all this. May you come to know what we have come to know about Him through this situation... that He is trustworthy and good - I mean really, really good, incredibly good! And He's funny. I'm not kidding. The sense of humor in God is a killer! For us it has been a pure gift. It's like soothing balm on the heart releasing a fragrance of life. Because of Him we have been soaring like eagles the last couple of months. We could of easily been crawling under stones depressed to hide. But it's not been that way. It's so wonderful to not be alone... to be with Him, and Him with us. What a delight. He's been so available to us. I can't tell you how much that's meant to us. The presence of God... what a gift. It's so wonderful to hear Him whisper in your ear each day and say... "it's gonna be okay... don't worry. It's gonna be okay. I'm here, I'm with ya... I got ya... It's gonna be okay"

Remember, we all have times of reed baskets... and that's okay. Sometimes the options run out, and there isn't another way to go. In those moments be attentive to the way that seems impossible where you need a reed basket. They come in all shapes and sizes. Nevertheless you have to take a risk and put your trust in that reed basket that God is providing. You might be trusting with what you most love. You might be trusting in the midst of what you most fear, either way it is trust. It is trust in God, in who He is, and who He is for your life. This is faith... sometimes there is nothing left for us to lean on - everything else is gone and all we have is our faith. In those moments it's just you and Him. And you know, i think that's the way He likes it. Things get real for you then. They get transparently real between you and Him. What's in you comes to the surface. But that's okay, better it that way than smoke screens and illusions. We want reality, not religious non-sense. God's not afraid of taking us to the edge of what we fear the most... He's not. He'll take us there not for the sake of scaring us, but for the sake of setting us free. He doesn't like fear in any way. He makes no allowances for our worries and fears. He simply says, "Do not fear." In other words - get rid of it. Then He gives us the solution for our fears, "Perfect love casts out fear." That's where we are going. That's where He's taking Jen and I, and that's where He's taking you. So He'll lead you it seems straight into what is most terrifying at times for He's knows that freedom is just a veil away.

We are here in this life and have no control over what is going to happen in life, to our loved ones, or to us. It's out of our control. We learn that so very quick in circumstances like this that Jen and I are facing. We may be facing this now as if we are the only ones, but we're not the only ones. All of us will face them. We get to choose how we want to face them and walk through them. That choosing starts today, not tomorrow. If we wait to walk with God when crisis comes, we won't be ready, we'll likely fold. But if we start now, He will prepare us for what's to come. Either way He'll be God, it's just we have an advantage if we start now because we will have taken the time to understand Him and know how He does things and how to walk through difficult things the way that is most helpful to Him and to us. For what we are going to face in the days ahead will be glorious if we will but choose to be with Him and learn from Him, enjoy Him and receive from Him. For He knows the plans He has for you, for me, for all of us, plans to prosper you, to give you a future and a hope. We are to have hope! He has a future for us. Jen and I and Sarah have a future and a hope. We do. So come find yours if you haven't already. Come and see... And when all shakes loose, if and when it does, you'll be lifted on wings like eagles. You'll take to the air on the shoulders of the wind. We all are meant to fly. And Jesus says we are to fly when storms are raging... We can even still them. We first have to be still on the inside. All we need is time with Him and it will all make sense.

I bless you as you come to your moments of reed baskets. I bless you that joy and laughter is waiting there for you. May you know that He waits there for you, with open arms, anticipating giving you that bear hug that will squeeze into you all of His perfect love. I bless you. Trust Him... He is so worthy of your trust. He's shown it to us... just look at Jesus again, as if for the first time. Allow Him to pull off of your eyes the veils that blind Him to how trustworthy He really is. He loves you. He will never leave you to yourself... He will come. Just ask Him to. And like with Moses, He'll take whatever is trusted to Him and turn it into something so very special and beautiful.

28 weeks of life with Sarah, and more to come

2008-03-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

The amazing "growing belly"!

We've reached 28 weeks now...can't believe how fast time has flown by the last 2 months since we received the diagnosis. I'm loving being pregnant and am feeling more and more connected to little Sarah every day. I love waking up to her kicking feet and imagining her snuggled up napping in my womb later in the day...so amazing. I've been playing lots of music for her and she seems to kick a lot more when her daddy is around...she loves his voice :) She's still breeched, but has a few more weeks to turn around...its actually been nice having her little hands up above punching me in the ribs, rather than her strong little legs! She's quite the fighter...beating all odds and proving the doctors wrong.

Last friday was such a shock - we weren't shocked by the news, we were prepared for that, but I wasn't prepared for the attitude of the doctor. Again he encouraged aborting our little girl...I had a hard time understanding how he could look up at the computer screen and see Sarah's beautiful face on there and STILL have that word "abort" come out of his mouth. It's sad to see how medicine has moved into a place of disposable life, where a child is no longer a child but simply an object inside my womb that can be disposed of. If something isn't perfect - they feel its okay to just discard it. Our prayers have been that God's glory would be revealed to the medical world surrounding us right now - that they would see that miracles still do happen and that God is a reality. We'd love for you to join us in praying for this...

I haven't been sleeping as well the last couple of weeks...I seem to wake up several times at night and have a hard time falling back asleep. In some ways, I've really enjoyed my alone time in the middle of the night, praying for my little girl and fighting for her life...I feel like my prayers and thoughts are consumed with her these days...I don't want to let a day go by where I'm not speaking life and blessing over her sweet little body. Joseph and I have both encountered miraculous healings all across the world - seeing the blind and deaf healed, broken bones set to perfection, etc - and we know that He is capable of healing our little girls heart and mind.

I've been thinking a lot about Joseph's job lately. He is a pastoral counselor, helping heal broken hearts and set captive minds free...we are seeing so much fruit and freedom coming from his ministry (Healing for the Heart)! It's been amazing to watch people transform before our eyes as God brings healing to pain that has been there for years...sometimes their entire lives. The ironic thing is - Joseph is working to heal hearts and minds - and that is the very thing being taken from our little girl, her heart and her mind. Jesus, we pray that you would redeem our little girl's heart and mind and bring freedom to her body. He is so capable and I feel our sweet Sarah is so worthy...I understand at a new level what its like for God to watch us in our pain. If I could take away the pain Sarah is feeling as her mom, I would do so in a heart beat. Watching your child suffer has to be the hardest thing we'll experience in life...I can't imagine how God must grieve as we as the church struggle for life here on earth.

Okay, enough rambling...just thought I'd fill you guys in on a snap shot of my journey with Sarah. I feel so honored and blessed to have been chosen as her mother - I honestly don't deserve a child as special as she is. God is gracious....

Drinking the Cup of Our Father...

2008-03-07T15:17:00.000-08:00

Sarah Elizabeth Dalton

Today we found ourselves staring at an ultra-sound screen again, listening to a doctor tell us what he was seeing about our Sarah's little body. It was our second ultra-sound with in-depth analysis. The last one was two months ago to the day. We were late so I dropped Jen off in front of the office so I could go park the car. As she walked up the steps to the office her whole body felt heavy. Her steps became really labored and she said her legs were hard to lift. By the time she got inside she was light headed and starting to sweat. So she went to locate a bathroom. After wandering around the different office rooms for a moment she finally found it (she said she was in a total daze). By this time her dizziness was out of control and upon entering the bathroom she sat down, losing consciousness and passing out. About 5 minutes later she came to, splashed water on her face and joined me in the waiting room. She was in a relatively peaceful place. It was odd, she said her heart and mind were both totally at rest, but when she started climbing the stairs at that familiar place, her body went into some kind of shock. We both had a really peaceful non-stressful morning, and it continued like that even after she passed out. It was all really odd. Anyway, the results of the ultra-sound were forgetful. Not worth too much of a mention. But we will share the jist of it...

So we are drinking the cup of our Father... We are drinking the cup of our Father willing to follow Him where ever He leads. Our Sarah isn't what she should be yet. She is still awaiting her miracle. We are in the place of seeing the dream, though we feel like Joseph (Biblical) looking out from the bottom of a pit. Things appear as if they are going in the opposite direction, as Sarah's body is not yet compatible with life outside Jen's womb. Our ultra-sound today revealed no change in Sarah's condition. Our little girl is without half of her heart. She is also still missing parts of her brain matter and her hands are bent at the wrists, not properly developed. Remember though, this was not the voice of heaven speaking today. It was just man, and his machines, nothing more, nothing less. Our hearts are heavy today as you can imagine; nevertheless, we are leaning into our Father... for there is no one more faithful than Him. There is no one more trustworthy. We feel the weight of the news today... it was not easy to see her in a broken body still. Her body from the outside is beautiful (her hands are not formed properly, but the rest of her body seems to be okay), its just the inside that is desperate for healing. But this story is not over...

So our response is simple, we are rising to heavenly places and going beyond where we've been. We are taking her further into heaven in our hearts, in prayer, lifting her again into the face of our Father. We will continue to lay her into the arms of Jesus, into the arms of mercy, so that the things that would want to hold her life down would be released from her. She is still captive by her body, not yet whole, but we know that Jesus took captivity captive. So our hope is undiminished. We know things can change when His voice gives the command. We know that wings are given to angels. Sarah is a perfect candidate for those. We know that ashes and dirt can give way to new life. Seeds lay hidden for a time, but when they re-emerge they come forth green, like a bird escaping from a snare. They come forth set free. They come forth into light because nothing can hold down life. It will come forth. It will emerge.

There is so much we feel God has spoken about Sarah. We've been hearing and writing down the vision. They are the seeds of life that have yet to come forth... but we believe they will. So what exists in His heart, in Heaven, that has yet to come forth in the earth, in Sarah, we will contend for. We will continue to stay in a place of faith for her. Into our world may faith be born. Into all that would say otherwise, may life come forth. We can live faithless and join the masses or we can believe Him and take the journey wherever He leads. We can drink the cup like Jesus did or live without hope. For the joy set before us... We are drinking the cup of our Father.

Jen and I want you to know how thankful we are for holding us and Sarah up in prayer. It means the world to us. We are so blessed by the love and support people have been showing to us the last two months. If it's in you to keep praying with us, we would love for you to stay with us until we see Sarah born into our arms. Thanks again,

Joseph and Jen

27 weeks and counting...

2008-03-02T17:13:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures of my growing belly :) My sister-in-law was asking for some, so here they are Catherine! I'm a bit larger than the last time you saw me!

Waiting to land...in faith! (from Jen)

2008-02-27T08:46:00.000-08:00

A friend of ours gave us a cd last week with the most beautiful song on it. She went through the loss of a child in her womb and found hope and comfort in this song...so she passed it along to us in this season of walking through impossible situations! Joseph and I have been listening to it daily, letting the faith within us grow. Allowing our hearts to remember daily that God is truly in control of this situation and that all we can do is posture our hearts in a place of faith and simply wait.

We're in a waiting period right now...a holding pattern over the runway below us...we're waiting on many things. We're believing that Sarah's life will truly be a sign and a wonder to this world of unbelief. March 7th marks exactly 2 months since we received the original news...it also marks the day that we go back to the man who gave us the news for a second ultra sound. He's the local expert and had advised us it was best to probably abort because there wasn't hope of her living much longer. It will be two months. She has grown, her heart is strong and her feet and arms are moving like crazy. We're praying for the next two weeks leading up to the appointment, that God would allow this doctor to see the improvements and healing taking place in Sarah's life and be drawn to the glory of God. Like Joseph has said over and over...this is bigger than us, its bigger than Sarah...it's about His glory being revealed. I wrote out the lyrics to the song below because I wanted to share with you the power of agreement...agreeing with us and agreeing with God that Sarah will be healed...that Sarah will truly be a sign and a wonder to this world of unbelief, to this world of hopelessness. It's a bit repetitive, but until I can figure out a way to put the song up on this page for you to listen to, this is the best I can do:

Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.

Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.

And even though the enemy tried to put you out.
And even though the enemy tried to snuff you out.
And even though the enemy tried to abort your destiny...
He will not succeed.

Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.

Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.

Your life will be a sign and a wonder.
A testimony of the faithfulness of God.
Your life will be a sign and a wonder.
A testimony of the faithfulness of God.

Let faith be born into a world of disbelief.
Let faith be born into a world,
Into a world of faithlessness
Into a world of hopelessness
Let faith be born

Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.
Little Faith, little baby come forth.
You will live and not die thus says the Lord.

And even though the enemy tried to snuff you out.
And even thou the enemy tried to abort your destiny...
He will not succeed.

Your life will be a sign and a wonder.

Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.
Faith, is the assurance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen.

The heart of the Father will be heard.
The heart of the Father will be heard.

Let the little children come to Me.
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
Let the little children come to Me.
Even if nobody wants them, I do.

If your father forsook you.
If your mother never comforted you.
I have the kingdom for you,
I've prepared a place for you.
And its deep within My heart.

So let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
Let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.

If your father forsook you.
If your mother never comforted you.
I have the kingdom for you,
I've prepared a place for you,
And its deep within My heart.

I want you.
I want you.
I want you.

I want you.
I want you.
I want you.

You're accepted not rejected
You're loved and not despised.
You're accepted not rejected.
You're loved and not despised.

I'm calling you.
I'm calling you.

Little children....

You're accepted not rejected.
You're loved and not despised.

And mothers and fathers hear My heart.
And mothers and fathers hear My heart.

So let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.
Let the little children come to Me,
Even if nobody wants them, I do.

Let them come...

(Please continue to pray with us for the complete healing of little Sarah...she's fighting for her life and I want to continue to fight with her. Thank you!!)

About Sarah - New Update

2008-02-20T20:12:00.000-08:00

Family and friends -

We had our first visit with our new doctor yesterday. It was mostly an informative meeting getting to know the doctor and allowing the doctor to get know us. But when all of that was over, we checked Sarah's heartbeat. Scott and Joan (jen's parents) are in town, so we invited them in to hear the heartbeat. While doing that, the doctor decided to suddenly to do a quick ultra sound scan of Sarah to see where her body position was. Suddenly without warning, we were looking at a screen of Sarah's body. This was the first time seeing her since our very first ultra sound. Here we are again, looking at Sarah on a black and white screen. It was a little unsettling at first. You're believing to see the promises of God, but it's still overwhelming to stand in that place and look into her little life. But this time something was different about her. She's wasn't looking like she did the first time. We all looked on in amazement at what appeared to be a healthy well formed child. We saw hands and fingers. We could see her body and spinal cord and legs. We saw her little face and eyes and it seemed like her head was not swollen with hydracephalus at all. She looked, in all respects, like what we've all been believing for and praying for - she looked healthy and whole.

Doctor Echt was not reading the ultra sound looking for problems, all she was doing was letting us see how she was positioned in Jen, pointing out different parts of her body like the heart, which was beating beautifully by the way. So there was no analysis happening, but we were looking. As she was moving the ultra sound wand around on Jen's stomach, little Sarah was kicking and moving all over the place. Sarah seems to be developing fine! The doctor wasn't saying that. She didn't have time to really take an in depth look at what the ultra sound was revealing. But to u,s we felt we were seeing a miracle. We have another ultra sound on the seventh of March with the doctor who gave us the results of the first ultra sound, so we'll have more analysis on another ultra sound then. But by our perspective, we are seeing the power of prayer, and the power of a miracle working God bringing about a supernatural healing of our little Sarah's life. We are excited! So we wanted to share that with everyone who is standing with us.

This journey with Sarah started with unfavorable news. Presently, we are no where near the other end of this journey with her. She only weighs a pound a half - so she's tiny and still being formed. We are moving toward the fulfillment of things we feel God has spoken to us but we're not there yet. We haven't left our knees concerning her, though we are encouraged by what we saw yesterday. We need and would love your continued support and prayers until the glory of God is fully revealed. Thanks again from Jen and I for praying. We so appreciate it. Praise God for His kindness to us...

- Joseph and Jen

Sarah Update from Jen...

2008-02-15T16:10:00.001-08:00

Hello friends and family,

Just a quick update on Sarah Elizabeth. I had my 25 week checkup today and again, she's totally shocking the doctors with her strength. I've gained 5lbs (a total of 7 now!!) and my uterus is the exact size it should be at this point. Her heart rate was even stronger than last month's appointment (142bpm)...I literally had to remind the doctor of his diagnosis a few months ago (one because he's older and a bit out of it, but also because she's so healthy and growing so strong!). They literally look at me in shock every appointment, in disbelief that she's still alive. Sarah has also been kicking quite a bit the last few weeks, even waking me up in the middle of the night with the strength of her kicks. We have a little fighter :)

All of that to say....we wouldn't be where we are today without all the prayers and faith and hope that you have been sending our way! God has been so gracious and so kind through this journey. Thanks for the prayers....keep praying, we see a new doctor on Wednesday of this next week and are excited to have a doctor that will support us in our decision to move forward in the pregnancy.

Be blessed to know that your prayers are being answered....we will continue to fight for the healing of Sarah Elizabeth, knowing that God is ultimately in control :) (Isn't that a relief?)

Learning to live under waterfalls

2008-02-11T09:08:00.000-08:00

"... they had no depth of soil."

Our depth of soil is important. God wants to take the power of His word, the power of His presence to depth in us. He wants His life in us to go deeper than the vaneers we might know Him in and keep Him in. He is not satisfied with small depth. He wants more relationship than that. He wants more closeness. He wants more connection. He wants nothing in the way. He wants everything. He wants full disclosure, full unveiling. He wants nothing short than complete oneness. He wants union realized, not just union positionally given. He wants to go to deep places in us.

"... Deep calls out to deep to the sound of your waterfalls..."

The deep places in God are calling out to the deep places in us. We are both the ones hearing the "calling out", and we are the ones "calling out." That "calling out" in the heart of God is to be heard in our hearts as they open to God and to others. God is speaking heart to heart... with us.

If you listen with the ears of your heart, you will hear a sound that's reaching to the deep places in you. When Jesus spoke there was a sound heard in the heavens speaking to the deep places in the hearts of men. And for those who had ears to hear, it was heard in their hearts as well. You could say what Jesus spoke was more beautiful than anything else that had ever been spoken. His voice released a sound to the listening ear. It was a sound that would set mens hearts free. At the entrance of His words there was light, and that light was the light of men. The movement of His heart under the anointing as He disclosed Himself to men, as He spoke to His beloved people, from prositutes to lawyers, from drunkards to business men, to tax collectors, was the most beautiful of songs that had ever been sung. It was pure music. And those who heard it fell to their knees and worshiped. It was the greatest of poetry that had ever been spoken. His life was poetry. It was the song of all songs in living color, in human flesh as He dwelt among us. He still dwells among us today and His heart is open to us as it was then.

What was on John the Baptist was great. His calling out was great. But what's in us is even greater than he. And our calling out is just as important or greater. That's what Jesus said. God is connecting us to the eternal sound of His words. He wants us to hear it.. for when we do, that hearing produces faith.

Jesus is still speaking today. With the same romance that was in his heart when He walked the earth is still in Him today as He walks the earth of mens hearts. There is a sound for this moment, for now. He is pulling from the eternal song a melody for us to sing today. That's what has been happening with Jen and I. Father is tuning us into what He's singing right now. We are hearing a sound in our hearts that is calling out to us. We can hear it... it's like the sound of water. It's beautiful. It says that His voice is like the sound of many waters. If you have ever sat next to a brook, and stopped to listen you know the sound.

There was a special place that I used to love to go to and listen to the sound of "many waters". In that place my eyes would close and listen. I would listen with the deepest parts of me. I wanted the sound to fill me. That place was my familys cabin.

When I was only a boy my Father bought a piece of property on the Trinity River. I remember the first day I saw it with my mother... it was a dream. All she could do when she saw it was cry. There was no place like it on this earth, at least to some of us. It was a place of utter beauty and wonder. I spent many, many days there exploring God, myself and the creation He had made. All of it came together where two streams met. My heart and God's heart were forever tied together in that place as my life flowed into His and His into mine. I would get lost there in all the colors, sounds, textures, smells, and thoughts that would collide with my heart. I was the floating leaf. I was the beetle rounding the stone. I was the hawk circling over head. I was the grey squirrel leaping to another tree. I was the only deer in the meadow. Everything was too wonderful to be true. And to each wonderful discovery there was the sound of water escorting my heart to understand the essence of things. It was a special place and is a special place to me still. I will never forget my life along the banks of the trinity.

I spent thirty years there, a good portion of my life, enjoying a most precious gift from God to our family. The property was situated among streams. There was the mighty crown jewel called the Trinity, and then there was the Hawkins Creek rolling down past the cabin by the deck into the river. There was a location on the deck between the creek and the river that afforded the attentive listener a multiplicity of water sounds. All you had to do was quiet yourself and listen. You would then hear a most beautiful sound. You would hear the trickling of the creek to your left, and it's soft pounding of waterfalls as it flowed to the base of the creek where it spilled into the river. There the river would sing as it received the offering the creek was giving. The river hummed quietly to you and strong. It was not prideful in its passing, but confindent in it's course. You could feel it's power in the main channel, though its shoulders were gentle along the banks. It moved swiftly and gracefully whispering to you escorting you down river to where you would hear the roar of its powerful set of rapids. It's authority was ever true and unyielding.

You could isolate each sound if you wanted to. Or you could stand perfectly still and let all the sounds come together as they flowed in from near and far. I always would think of Jesus there and consider that this sound was like His voice. When the psalmist would try to express the beauty of His voice, all he could say was that it was like the sound of many waters. Or they would say it's like thunder. But on those days sitting on the deck with the warmth of the sun, I was being romanced by the eternal song of God as He called out to me, from deep unto deep at the sound of His waterfalls, as all his waves and breakers washed over me. It was a chorus of sounds lifting me into something more. There wasn't just rocks and trees there. There wasn't just birds and animals. There was a voice speaking. I heard a sound there that I'm hearing today. It's the same sound that brought me home. I felt at home in that place like no other place on earth. Jesus gave that to me there. He's giving it to Jen and I here now. This sound is the stuff of faith. We are learning to hear it and let it fill us. The eternal song of the eternal lover. He is love. Our lives are about love. That's why we are smiling. That's why we can laugh. We are hearing the song that God is singing over us. We are learning to live under waterfalls.

Faith to me is not like a cold stone or a hard rough object. It's not like cement or poured concrete. It's not hard really at all. But then faith can be hard and cold it seems... I don't know maybe we make it that way more than it's supposed to be. But one things for sure, I want to find the faith that is like a flowing stream, or a bubbling brook, that isn't made of cement. Can faith be gentle, full of hope, full of grace, full of love and full of delight, even full of laughter? I'm hoping so. We are venturing to believe so.

And those sounds we are wanting to hear for our lives are not just far off. They are close by too, just off the deck of our lives. They are in us even, coming forth from our own hearts. Our hearts are to be filled with music, with love, with the sounds of heaven. Our hearts are to overflow with this music, with worship. We are to release this sound to others. We do that by opening our hearts.

An open hearted person comes to depth and comes to healing. As a heart opens to people again, it opens to the Presence in a special way. Through God's people there is a voice crying out, like one crying out in the wilderness. It is crying out to the wilderness of soul so many people are living in. That cry in the heart of God to the cry of the broken hearted, to ones who have not been comforted by the words of Jesus, by the love of Father, is to be heard through us. You can say we become the sound of Heaven's Cry in the earth. We release the sound by our hearts opening to care for them. We allow the depth of us that's been touched by the sound of heaven to be opened to them. Our hearts open with the words of God to love as we ourselves have been loved. That's why it is so important to be loved and to be healed. Our hearts become beacons of a homecoming. Healing is a sound. It is a word. It's like a waterfall. Jesus said of Himself:

"I have come to bring good news to the afflicted;
I have come to bind up the borkenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives..." (among many things)

Jesus spoke this... He was calling out. Deep unto deep at the sound of His waterfalls. What does the waterfall from heaven sound like? Read the verse again and you will hear it. The brokenhearted healed. That's what's in the waterfall. That's what the rocks under the water are revealing. They would cry out if we don't. They know, creation knows, that there is healing for itself in us. Creation groans for the sons of God to be revealed. Creation as well as the peoples of the earth are waiting to hear from us. We will sing, we will rejoice and worship when we ourselves learn to hear the sound and the words Jesus is singing. We simply need to return to the decks of hearts where two streams meet. We need to return to the healing sound, to the poetry in the heart of God as He sings over us His song of love. Let us hear again Him "calling out". Let us return to all that's pure and good. We will once again be like children at play in His fields. We will be the beetle finding it's way. We will be the deer filling up on blackberrys. We will be tree planted by the living water. We will be the trout meadering in the shade of the deep pool. We will come home. We will be living in "our cabins", in our dreams forever.

This is what we learning to do with Sarah in our lives. We are learning to be in our dreams. She is apart of that. She is our little dream in a bundle under a veil of flesh. Without hearing the sound of heaven, without understanding the melody and the words to the song, we would not be in a dream. We would be in a tradegy. Thank you God that we don't live where streams don't flow. We live in a place where rivers flow. Jen and I are staying in the song Jesus is singing over Sarah. It's a word. It's a sound. And everyday we are moving ourselves under the waterfall, moving to a place of faith, to hear God speak to us.. deep unto deep.

All We Need is Love... (short entry from Jen)

2008-02-01T15:45:00.000-08:00

Joseph has been doing all of the writing for the Sarah Pages...I've been so blessed and so encouraged to get on here and chew on the words he's been writing. His heart has been incredibly "God inspired" and its a joy to get to tap into that place through this blog...

I read a quote today by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and simply wanted to share it...it seems to go with the flow of where Joseph's heart has been leading this blog:

"The person who loves their dream of community, will destroy community, even if their intentions are ever so ernest. But the person who loves those around them will create community."

All we need is love :)

"You give them something to eat!"

2008-01-31T09:12:00.000-08:00

In this circumstance with Sarah, Jen and I, it may seem like we don't have much to give. We should be worried about ourselves, putting ourselves first in everything. It's okay, I guess, to think this way. But we've felt there is another way to think about things. It could seem like all we have to give in this situation is five loaves of bread and two fish; as if that wasn't enough. Well, it's kind of true, that about sums it up. But I'm realizing with the little we have WITH God, it sometimes is too much! We have more than we need for ourselves and our five loaves and two fish can feed a multitude of folks. He's saying we have an abundance, so we can give it all away. We can give it to Jesus. We can open up our hearts and care about not only ourselves, but others too. And that's how it's been feeling lately since Sarah has arrived. We have more than enough for ourselves. We have so much to give. "Look at Jesus and the Father... What do we not have?!" Our hearts are also saying: "Let's give it away." God is very gracious. He's teaching us to be the same way. He is continuing to teach us how to position our lives and lay down our perspectives and ways of approaching life and healing, so that not only we are fed but those around us. When He breaks the bread of our lives, everyone gets to eat.

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ in me."

God showed me a picture in my heart yesterday while I was praying with Jen. I saw a cross in my heart, with the front of my heart wide open, allowing anyone looking to see in. I felt God speaking that there is a cross in us. God is drawing people to it. That cross in us takes the pain of the world upon it. Jesus took it all from us. He took all the pain, the hurt, the sin, the sickness, the disease, He took it all so that we could be free. So it is. And the work was a complete one. You can add nothing to it. We are free. The problem is so many of us are not seeing that fully realized in our lives, to see it come to full expression in our experience. Positionally it's done, but experienctially most of us are still in progress. That would describe Jen and I...and Sarah too. So this is the jist of what I was hearing yesterday as an insight into healing. This is by no means a complete picture of my theology of healing - it's only an aspect of healing I felt Him revealing to me. This is the beginning of a meditation on a aspect of healing I'm still processing. So this is not a complete thought - I'm simply journaling what I'm hearing. May it bless you...

By us opening our hearts to care for people, the cross in our hearts become visible. The power of the cross and all that it represents is present to heal. The people in pain see their freedom when they are allowed to look into our hearts and see the cross and the freedom we have. The cross to Jesus symbolized death, but to us it is not a symbol of death but rather a symbol of life. It represents so many things, but the one I felt God emphasizing here was the one of "freedom through love". The cross is a symbol of our freedom. When people are allowed to look into our hearts they are able to see life not death. And when they see our freedom through an open heart, they are seeing Jesus, they are seeing the Father, they are seeing the power of the cross in our lives, that is also available to them.

"It is no longer I who live but Christ in me." It's like what Jesus said to Phillip about seeing the Father in Him: "He who has seen Me has seen the Father..." And then following: "Believe Me that I am in the Father, and the Father is in Me..."

For people to see the Father in Jesus, Jesus had to open His heart. How else would they see the Father without looking "into" Him, "into" His heart? The walls had to be out of the way. This openness of heart Jesus lived in was the way in which He was to reveal the Father through the power of the Holy Spirit. He said to Phillip if you don't believe Me, and can't see the Father this way, "... believe on account of the works themselves." His "works", and His words were also ways in which He was revealing the Father. There are others. But what I felt God emphasizing to me was the way His openness of heart revealed the Father. His open heart was a key to a lifestyle of living and abiding in the Holy Spirit and the kingdom and seeing healings and miracles of every kind. For us it's the same. We are to allow people to see "into" us who is dwelling there. Something happens when they do. Something is available to them if we will. Not only are miracles available to them but they are to see Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and the resulting freedom and healing that's accessible to them. I feel that's why God showed me a cross visible in my heart. When they see the cross in our hearts, they see the heart of God. It's a revelation of love for them. It speaks to a life laid down for their sake. That's what they saw in Jesus even before He gave His life on the cross. They saw that the cross was already alive in His heart. He had already given His life for them. The cross confirmed outwardly to the world an inward reality that was already true. That's partly why people followed Him. No one lived that way. Everyone was out for their own interests not those of others. Our hearts and lives are to reflect that same truth. Paul said it like this when he saw this same kind of heart come alive in Timothy.

"For I have no one else of kindred spirit who will genuinely be concerned for your welfare. For they seek after their own interests, not those of Christ Jesus."

"... no longer I who live but Christ in me." People are looking for a love that is about them, that is for them, that chooses them, that takes the time to care and accept them, that cares about their pain and helps them to get free. People want to see that kind of heart in us that was so visible in Jesus. When we live open to people's pain to care for their pain, the cross of Jesus is made available to them through us. And what they see draws them to us, just like it drew them to Jesus. When we open our hearts not only are they drawn to us, but God draws near to them. The spiritual atmosphere begins to change in that moment over them concerning the problem they face as we allow compassion to flow through us. We can see in any situation the Spirit of God about to turn water into wine, "the Word into flesh", ashes blown into worship, depression into joy, and pain into peace. We simply have to learn how to love and take the risk of opening our hearts to care and to love. By doing so we give that person an opportunity for an encounter with a living God who gave his life to them on a cross so that they would be free.

Jesus wants us to open our hearts to them and care about what they are struggling with. He says: "You give them something to eat." And like in the feeding of the thousands, Jesus heals the people because He "felt compassion for them healing their sick." We are to do the same. Compassion is a heart opening up to care. Out of it flows healing. But something else was happening in the hearts of His disciples, in those who were with Him. Somehow the hearts of His disciples were not understanding the heart of God for the multitude. Who knows why? But it's clear to see one thing Jesus is showing us through this story. There was a heart condition in His followers that needed to be lovingly confronted and changed.

This is what was in their hearts concerning the people. This is what they said: "The place is desolate, and the time is already past; so send the multitudes away, that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves."

Jesus responded by saying: "They do not need to go away; you give them something to eat!"

Jesus turns it back to them, telling them to be apart of the answer to the people's problem. It's simple, we bring what we have to Jesus and He multiplies what we can give, but first we must be willing to give. What's being spoke of here isn't only about multiplying food. I believe what Jesus is showing us and is looking for is more than believing for a miracle and faith to do that. He's looking at the heart, looking for love. He's looking into them to see what's there. And what He sees is confronted, "They do not need to go away; you give them something to eat!"

In other words He said, "How 'bout you open your heart to care. Sending people away is not the answer. Closing your heart to their needs is not the answer. I want you to do something about it. I want you to give them something. I want you to open your heart. I'm here with you. What you lack in caring for them all, I will make up the difference. For I have more than enough to go around. I just need you to care about them. Get your heart repositioned and let the love flow. Give me what you have and I'll increase it. If you'll do that, they will see me. What you do is a reflection of me, as what I do reflects on the Father. I'm here with you. Open to them and give to them what you have so that I may give to them my abundance, all that's been made available to you and to them through my life."

"He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, He blessed the food, and breaking the loaves He gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave to the multitudes, and they all ate and were satisfied."

One of the most satisfying things in life is to care about people. Everyone gets to partake of the goodness of God when people are cared for. We all have five loaves and two fish. In our eyes, that kind of care and love for someone isn't enough. Well it isn't if you don't open your heart. But as soon as you do, Jesus is blessing what you give, and breaking it wide open to increase it. The multiplication starts to happen with the opening of the heart. All that was paid for on the cross is a free gift to us now. It's a free gift to them. We don't have to go buy it somewhere else and go into the village to get it. It's freely given. A life, a beautiful one, already paid for it all. Listen:

"Ho! Every one who thirst, come to the waters;
And you who have no money come, buy and eat.
Come, buy wine and milk without mony and without cost.
Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And delight yourself in abundance.
Incline your ear and come to Me.
Listen that you may live...

And let him return to the Lord
And He will have compassion on him..."

The man who is saying all of this has healing in His wings - He is Almighty God, Prince of Peace, Eternal Father, Wonderful Counselor! Imagine thousands upon thousands with all the needs, hurts and problems there to deal with, and to boot, they are hungry. Sound familiar? Do you ever see situations like this, or lives like this, or communities or cities like this? And Jesus says, not only to them, but to me, to all of us, "You give them something to eat." "They don't need to go away."

To be continued...

In the confidence of our Father

2008-01-28T20:15:00.000-08:00

"Be joyful... rejoice for her, all who love her." (continued)

Part 2 KNOWING EACH OTHER ACCORDING TO THE SPIRIT

"... As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you;
And shall be comforted in Jerusalem.
Then you shall see this, and your heart shall be glad.
And your bones will flourish like the new grass."

We've been realizing again how God looks upon the church, upon us, even Sarah, and sees everything complete. He knows us acording to the Spirit, not according to the flesh. He sees us wrapped in Jesus. We are clothed with Him. So the Father is not looking at us seeing all our imperfections, flaws, and sins. It seems He is looking to bring to fruition and bring to light all that is already existing in His heart for us, what He's already done. His intent is to manifest what already is true. If parts of our lives are where they should be, if Sarah isn't whole in body, soul, mind and spirit and heart the way she should be, then He's wanting to correct that and bring about a change. He wants "the word" - His opinion, His testimony of her life to be realized, to become flesh. He wants the reality of Heaven to fill the earth, even little Sarah's body. "The Word became flesh" He's forever doing that, causing the Spirit to be "fleshed out" in us, so we become the embodiment of that word. We are to be moms and dads... like Him of course. So He speaks to us sharing His perspective according to the Spirit, not according to the flesh. He's speaking to us about Sarah according to how He sees her, not accordding to how the doctors might see her.

God sees the Church complete and perfected. It's not living that out yet, but He's purposed in His heart to move her there. He's moving her to a place where she is fully the mother giving the full measure of comfort she was and is meant to give. In her, in the her bosom we will be comforted. When we see this come into a more complete expression, whether now or later, it says our hearts will be glad. I think He's speaking of tremendous, outrageous joy and gladness.

With the gift of Sarah to our lives, God is saying:

"I am making you into my church, a mother and father who comforts and cares for my beautiful child-bride. She may seem incomplete and not fully formed to the fullness I have for her, but she will be. I want you to see her that way. I want you to stop looking at her shortcomings and her sins. Do not reject her or despise her. I want you to get my heart for her. I desire that you would get my heart of love for her and see how beautiful she is as if seeing her for the first time, like when you see a little boy or a little girl whose pure and innocent and full of life, joy and excitement about life. It's like what Adam saw when he first set eyes on Eve. I want to give you eyes to see her that way. I will help you see that in her, not only in Sarah but in my people. I want you to see it in those that have yet to come to know me, for they are like Sarah too. Not only do I want you to know people according to the Spirit, but I want you to see every circumstance according to the Spirit. Every circumstance, every conversation, every moment of your life there is a perspective for you to step into that I've made available to you. You simply have to train your eyes and ears to live there. The gates of the kingdom are always open to you. I am always with you and all that I have is yours. I have something for you in every situation. I've already prepared these things for you. All you have to do is simply live without walls. You must live open heartedly... live without fear. If you learn to do that with every person, with every circumstance that you face, nothing will be impossible for you. Mountains will move and the gates of hell will not prevail. You will be indomitable You'll be more than an overcomer. You'll live in perfect peace. You'll be unmoved by the storms of life. You'll be able to speak peace to the storms and they will be still. And this life will be for you - a celebration of my life in you. You will be rejoicing always and full of my joy. Behold I extend peace to you like a river."

Through the gift of Sarah to our lives, we are learning that God wants to teach us to live increasingly in the Spirit. Watching Jen with Sarah everyday is a constant reminder of where we need to be living. It's a choice we have to make moment by moment. It might seem as if we are living a fantasy at times trying to escape what's really going on. I often wonder if people think we're doing that. I'm sure some do. It doesn't really matter either way. We have to live out this situation the best we can. We also know how easy it is to become cynical and calloused and to have a dull heart, an unbelieving heart. We want to avoid that. That would be far worse to allow our hearts to be filled with that kind of poison.

Listening to God is sometimes subjective and unclear. But I know He's okay with us making mistakes. He's wanting us to grow in the knowledge of His ways, and get to know Him better. He's more concerned about our trusting Him I think, than us always getting it right. We are going to stay imperfect. We will always live with weakness and our inadequacies. And I'm so thankful He's okay with that. In the gospels He made that reall clear to Peter.

We are learning to keep embracing our weaknesses and accepting them while leaning into the perfection and healing of God and all His strength made available to us in our weakness. Without God we are powerless to do anything for Sarah. But with God, we have the power to see the impossible submit to the authority and lordship of Jesus. We are expectant, but fully vulnerable in holding our hearts out this way. We do it because His hands are underneath us. We also know what joy it brings Him to see His kids confident in who He is to them as they face difficult circumstances. That's something any father would enjoy. Fathers I think love seeing their kids take risks when it is directly influenced by their fathering in their life. I can hear a father saying even now: "That's my boy... look at him now... look at him go! I'm so proud of Him."

While we hold onto the words Father has shared with us, we are willing to yield where we still need to. We are willing to change course if He wants us to. We want our hopes to be solely in Him alone, not in Sarah's healing. In all that has been said, this is true, we are trusting not in what we want to happen, but in what He says He wants to do. We do our best to hear what that is. We try to keep ourselves from running down paths that are in an attempt to comfort ourselves. If we took paths like that we could end up disappointed and deeply wounded, or possibly disillusioned.

Thank you God for your ways and your thoughts. Bring us more Holy Spirit... tell us of what Father has been dreaming up even before we were born. Take from Him that which He wants to give to us in this time.

I saw the stars tonight. God reminded me of what He said to Abraham, of what He promise Abraham. Abraham is a father to us. And as it was for him so it is with us. We are walking down paths others have worn in before us, even paths Abraham himself walked. They are not new. Solomon said, "There is nothing new under the sun." Our situation is not new, it's the stuff of dreams. God shared His dream for Abraham with Him and I feel He's doing the same with us. So we take the way of of our father going in the confidence He has given to us looking to the stars and there blinking faces to remember the promises that we all share in common.

"Be joyful.. rejoice for her, all who love her"

2008-01-28T14:29:00.000-08:00

Jen shared with me a revelation the other day concerning this situation with Sarah. She said that God had spoken to her about her heart for Sarah, so I asked her what He said? She said that her Heart, after receiving the news about Sarah's condition, brought her to a deeper love for Sarah. When she realized that Sarah was in the safest place she could be by being in her womb and that Sarah wasn't in pain there, it brought Jen comfort. She feels blessed to carry Sarah and to be able to give her a safe place inside her.

So God spoke to her concerning that and said: "My church is like Sarah, broken and lame. The love you have for Sarah is the love you could have for my church. Why don't you love the church the way you love Sarah?"

Jen will openly say she has struggled to love the church at times due to its structures, the religiousity, hypocrisy, and because of its lack of a genuine sense of "being real" about things, just to name a few. It's been hard for her to feel comfortable in the way things operate. She loves the people, but hasn't felt connected to the lack of relational culture most churches cultivate. Anyway, Sarah has changed her heart concerning all this, she now looks forward to going to church because it gives her a chance to love the church in the same way she's loving little Sarah.

"My church is like Sarah..." A people who are being born anew, whose lives are woefully limping along. A people so loved by God that He wants to heal them and make them whole. Where they are lame, He wants to heal them. Where things haven't formed properly, He wants to make them perfect in Him. We've been contemplating those things. In our own lives, we feel that same sense of Him bringing healing where there was once brokeness.

We feel through Sarah's life that she is a picture, a type and shadow of a spiritual reality existing in the church of Santa Barbara, as well as in the larger body of His church across this state and nation. We are more than slightly limping; our lives, to different degrees, are crippled.

I watch Jen carry this child not just in her womb but in her heart. It's beautiful to watch and understand. Not everything is visible yet. Things are hidden beyond her physical ability to see them. She's hoping for Sarah. She's praying for Sarah. She's holding Sarah, thinking about her, wanting the best for her. She's thankful for her life just the way she is, but is still believing for her to be complete and whole and overflowing with all that God has for her. She's fighting for Sarah. She's carrying Sarah in her heart and body everyday. There is a vital connection she shares with Sarah because she is her mother. Jen's life is a resource for all that Sarah needs. Anything Sarah needs, she can draw on Jen for because Jen's life is to see Sarah formed to the will and image of God.

Sarah is going to be a bride someday. A friend of ours had a dream about Sarah recently and saw her in a wedding dress walking down an aisle to be married. You could say Jesus the Bridegroom already sees her as His bride. She's just not ready for Him yet. She needs a mother...and a father. She needs support. She needs nurturing and love. She needs to be held and spoken over, healed and prayed for. Sarah is the church. Are we going to give to the church what we are giving to Sarah? Do we love and care for God's children (His church) the same way we love and care for Sarah?

"Be joyful with Jersualem and rejoice for her, all you who love her;
Be exceedingly glad with her, all you who mourn over her,
That you may nurse and be satisfied with her comforting breasts,
That you may suck and be delighted with her bountiful bosom.
For thus says the Lord, Behold, I extend peace to her like a river,
And the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream;
And you shall be nursed, you shall be carried on the hip and fondled on the knees.
As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you;
And shall be comforted in Jerusalem.
Then you shall see this, and your heart shall be glad,
And your bones shall flourish like the new grass;
And the hand of the Lord shall be made known to His servants,
But He shall be indignant toward His enemies." - Isaiah 66

This is our blueprint for loving Sarah, as well as a picture of where the church is going. The church is the Jerusalem of God and we are too. God's church will become the mother He intended it to be, for all of those who need to be comforted and loved. God is giving to back her (the church) identity. And we, in each of our own ways, is learning how to not only see her in the glory that's hers, that she's to be clothed in, but we are learning to be clothed ourselves in the same garments she is to wear. Truly we are the church. We are Sarah. And we are mothers and fathers. In the language of motherhood and/or fatherhood we see a beautiful picture of what love can do. It's a picture worth considering... again.

When you look at Jennifer Dalton right now, there is a revalation of God's heart for the church: for those that have eyes to see and ears to hear. She's a walking prophetic sign of what God is wanting to do with His wounded church. He wants to extend peace to her. He wants her to have exceeding gladness once more, if not for the first time. He wants deep intimate connection with her like a baby has with her mother when she is nursing at the breast. He wants her in His arms, comforted by His provision of life, by His comforting breasts. And He is looking to us to be that comfort, like Jen is to Sarah. We are to mother and father His people with hearts that are full of love, that know what it is to love and care for the broken and hurting.

The doctors have made it clear that Sarah's life is not worth bringing to full term, that it would be better to abort. They say she doesn't have a chance, that there's no hope. All of that has been said. This has all been said of the church in different ways as well.

"Shall I bring to the point of birth, and not give delivery?" Says the Lord.
"Or shall I who gives delivery shut the womb?" Says your God. - Isaiah 66

As Sarah forms in us, God forms in us His heart for His people. We are given the gift of His heart for His kids, for His sons and daughters, for His children, for His babies... like Sarah. With that heart comes a transformation. It's not just her. It's not just the church that undergoes transformation. It comes to us first. Having a revelation that you are to be a father or a mother is one thing, but to actually become the revelation, to become like the Father, or like Jesus, is a whole different thing. We are to be transformed. We are to be enlarged. And it's not just our physical body growing during the pregnancy , it's our hearts as well. Our lives, especially our hearts, are to be filled with love. We are to get healed.

We become pregnant with people's lives... It sounds strange, but it's true. We are to bring forth a people in the likeness of Jesus. We labor with God until Christ is formed in them. We father and mother them. We are to carry the church on our hip. We are to play with her like you do with a child on your knees. "You shall be carried on the hip and fondled on the knees." This is our role to His church, to become that, to be that loving and intimate mother to her. Paul described it in a hundred different ways in all his writings. His heart overflowed with this reality. This is what God formed in Him:

"But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares (cherishes) for her own children.
Having thus a fond affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God
but also our own lives (souls) because you had become very dear (beloved) to us."

Then he said a few verses down:

"... just as you know how we were exhorting and encouraging and imploring EACH ONE OF YOU as a father would his own children, so that you may walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory."

- Paul to the Thessalonians

to be continued...

Climbing Mount Everest

2008-01-26T08:33:00.000-08:00

From the Parable of the Sower

Three different kinds of soil/hearts

1. Beside the Road Hearts - "The sower went out to sow his seed; and as he sowed, some fell beside the road; and it was trampled under foot, and the birds of the air ate it up." Jesus explained saying: "And those beside the road are those who have heard; then the devil comes and takes away the word from their heart, so that they may not believe and be saved.

"... some fell beside the road; and it was trampled under foot..." I know for myself I've been in this place. The place where my heart got trampled on. I was hurt. Through the traffic of relationships and the pain it caused me i ended up sidelined. I was put out. I wasn't in the field playing anymore. I was out of the game. I was beside the road sidelined with a damaged heart. And that pain that I experienced and wounding it caused me, just kept getting walked on in some of the new relationships and circumstances that would come my way. They would stomp on the pain and wreck my ability to hold onto the seed God was giving to me. God would give me something but it seemed like it wouldn't sink in like it should. I would see it and want it but i couldn't partake of it. I couldn't "taste and see that the Lord is good." Somehow I felt disqualified and not welcomed in.

Beside the road ground isn't toiled, it's hard. The farmer doesn't touch it. He drives his tractor over it. People walk there. Plants are not meant to grow there because all the care and nurturing is given by the farmer to the field where the harvest will happen. No harvest is expected beside the road. By the roadside seed just sits on top of the soil exposed to the air.

For me I exerienced this roadside place for most of my life. The enemy loves that place. He just sits on the fence next to the field and has a "field day". He swoops in all day long devouring what rightfully should nourshing my soul. He would come in taking from me what God was wanting me to have. I could hear what God was saying and wanting to give, but couldn't really receive it well and keep it like I should. My faith took a hit again and again when I would see the enemy come and steal once more. The hardest part was having to face that disappointment of each time I was let down. Well intentioned people would tell me to just hold on tighter and try harder, have more faith, but that wasn't what i really needed. I needed healing and someone to walk me back into the field, back into my heart so that I could receive the love and the seed God was giving to my life.

Believing can be hard when you seem to have a history of things not working out the way you had hoped they would. God seems to let you down over and over again feeling confused repeatedly by the result of circumstances sometimes ending not in your favor. When your only hope is God, and you know that, and then God seems to fail you... ouch! That hurts. That's hopelessness.

It's been hard at times to see that things could be different, that I could actually see the saving power of God after many failures and loses. Especially when it hits so closely to home, like with family. Family for some of us is like a breeding ground for unbelief. We believe for things year after year with no apparent change. And in some situations it gets even worse. And what we experience there pours over into the rest of life. Our expectations often will reflect what we have most often experienced at home. That's tough to overcome. It's tough to believe when there's a history of loss chasing you down each time you believe for the next challenge of your faith. It's like our histories prophecy our defeat before we can even begin to receive the seeds of hope that God is wanting us to have. That scenario I believe is connected to a wounded and broken heart and spirit, and an unrenewed mind. We can't even begin to see or hear much of anything because our hearts are already filled with our disappointing histories.

When you then see more of "the birds of the air" taking advantage of your wounded condition than God coming to your aide it pushes you into a real conflict of faith. How are we to face each new challenge of our faith when we feel crippled already inside? It's really difficult. That's the way it was in my early years with Jesus. I was a Christian, but I was hurt, lost, crippled and totally confused inside. I couldn't believe for myself to get out of bed on mornings. Living life meant, living with pain. Life beat me up to the point where I was just hoping to survive. Believing for anything beyond that was like facing a Mount Everest without training, without oxygen, without a team... it was impossible. I couldn't even get out of base camp. I would hide in my tent hoping I was really not there at the base of the mountain.

But through that I realized God was penetrating my beliefs. It was imperceptible at first. I couldn't see it. The Holy Spirit was orchestrating a replanting of my heart off the roadside. It was a hidden thing initially, but it gradually came into view. I would have moments of profound revelation as I would encounter God. I would encounter Him as Dad, as Father. And during that I would come to know me as son. There were many things like that. A "Beside the Road Heart" is really an orphan heart. They aren't able to receive the inheritance God is giving them because only sons receive an inheritance. So I was in process becomeing a son in my heart. That was to change everything, which it is and is continueing to. He never took me off the mountain. He just joined me there. And slowly through all the things He does, I began to be less intimadated by the mountain, less afraid. I began to believe for things, and I saw them come to pass. He took me into all kinds of things, and still is. This situation is another one of those things. But now we are climbing the mountain together. I'm no longer sitting down hiding in a tent. We are moving one step at a time.. learning to trust for bigger things, learning to take bigger risks. And it's actually fun. Survival some how has turned into adventure. Loss has transformed into faith. Disappointment has turned into faith. I don't get it, but I'm thankful to be here. I'm thankful for Sarah and her life to Jen and I. I can't wait to see her.

Father has been pouring His love into me going to the hurt, pain and lies buried underneath that hardpan soil that was not allowing the Word of God to have it's true and lasting transformative impact. He was healing me. He still is, but now there is a real and genuine growing sense that I cannot lose... that there is no defeat anymore. It doesn't matter what the enemy tries to take. He cannot take away from me what is fully mine to keep forever. I have God. I have Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit. Jesus said as if speaking through the Prodigal Father, "I am always with you, and all that I have is yours." Where's the defeat in that? There is no defeat for the sons of God. Yes we will suffer loss at times and we will grieve. We will cry. We will not pretend things are okay when they hurt, because things really hurt at times. We will experience difficult things. It's apart of life. BUT, we will not stay there. We can't, because Jesus is there and He's moving us forward. Where we feel alone and left to ourselves, He says: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." We are not alone and when we are ready He will move us on.

In this situation with Sarah we can't be "Beside the Road Hearts" - skeptical, guarding our hearts so we don't get hurt, not believing unless we see evidence of the fact, not wanting to believe too much so as to protect our hearts from being disappointed. If we did that we would lose the seed/bread that God wants to feed our believing hearts with. We would of lost yesterday. But instead we are not in that place. Our hearts are not calloused. We are still believing. We are able by the grace of God to honor Him with believing for the impossible - "For nothing is impossible with God."

We are living for Jesus to say to us: "And blessed is she (us) who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord."

So that we can say of the Lord like Mary: "... be it done to me according to your Word..." and "My soul exalts (makes great!) the Lord, And my Spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. For He has had regard for the humble state of His bondslave..."

We are staying here with our hearts, off the road and in the field.

"To you it has been granted..."

2008-01-25T21:58:00.000-08:00

From The Parable of the Sower

Part 3
"To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God..."

We've been given permission to understand the secret things hidden in the heart of God. We have been granted to know. We have been given an invitation. We are allowed access by Jesus's own words. We've been given permission to enter in. The interesting thing is our hearts are that place of entry. Our hearts are the place of "knowing" where we receive understanding to all that Jesus is speaking to. It is the place where the kingdom becomes real and living. Our hearts are the point of entry to His Kingdom.

Imagine a gate to a city that you can't enter unless you are given permission. The gates are locked. Imagine this city is built by God and you have been given the right to go through and explore the city or kingdom within. Maybe for much of your life you've dreamed of such a place, and have seen some people enter but many you've seen unable to enter. Jesus said: "But to the rest (that haven't been granted to know mysteries of the Kingdom) it is in parables, in order that seeing they may not see and hearing they may not understand." Seeing they may not see? Hearing they may not understand? What's He talking about?

In Mathew Jesus quotes Isaiah refering to this same reality being mentioned here:

"You will keep on hearing, but will not understand; And you will keep on seeing, but will not perceive..." Why? Why? Why?
"For the heart of this people has become dull, and with their ears they scarcely hear, and they have closed their eyes lest they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, And understand with their heart and return, and I should heal them." Mathew 13:14-

"...For the heart of this people has become dull?" There's a big piece of the problem - dullness. It's in the heart. The heart is locked up. They cannot see or hear because their hearts are insensitive to the King and His kingdom. They are not hearing His voice. They cannot see Him. All they see is locked gates even though He said your welcome to come in. All they experience is unanswered prayers. They live without vision without hearing. They are blind and deaf to the things of God. They live outside the walls. Or you could say, they live within their own walls unable to get beyond them and through to the kingdom within arms reach.

Jesus said: "The kingdom of God is at hand" It's within arms reach. But do they know that? Some do. Some figure it out. But for many as Jesus said, all they hear is a parable. They don't understand what He's really saying. It just sounds like some wise saying that is best left for someone else to figure out. It's not really spoken to me. What He's saying is for everyone. But for those who will enter in, who want to live in the kingdom it is a key to unlocking the gate. He's saying it for them who want the keys He has to give. The others have already made their choice.

So...It's our choice too. It's up to us. Even as believers, God is still seeking hearts that are like kings who want to understand and enter in. "It's the glory of God to conceal a matter, the glory of kings to search it out." God knows His sons and daughters will eventually hear Him. If not know, hopefully someday. But the issue being pointed out here is the heart. The heart needs to lose it's dullness, it's blindness, it's deafness. For without the heart, "a honest and good heart", they will find themselves unable to keep the seed given to them. It will die sooner or later. And if the seed they've been given doesn't produce because they are continueing in dullness of heart maybe that's why Jesus said: "... but whoever does not have, even what he has shall be taken away from him."

We are the gate of heaven - Jesus in us (Jacob's dream). Through us the kingdom comes to the earth. Many don't think so. They think it's somewhere beyond arms reach. Miracles aren't within reach, they're somewhere else, happening for someone else. They are not here with me. They can't be. Who am I to believe such things, to believe that a miracle could happen through my life, through the words I say? It seems they are unable to find the way to Him, even though within them He resides.

They (sometimes me) walk without understanding, without wisdom because they (sometimes me) have chosen to look the other way - "they (sometimes me) have closed their eyes..." They've made a choice to harden their hearts to God and turn a blind eye away from Him. And because of that choice they do not understand with their heart and return to Him so that they may be healed.

We make choices everyday. In this situation with Sarah the gate to the kingdom is swinging wide open. It's in my heart. I have to make a choice to enter in and live in that place with Him. It's that simple sometimes, not always, but often it's that way. When I enter in with my heart... the mysteries become available to me to know. I'm given permission to explore them and come to new understandings of... well, just about everything. There is no ceiling in God's house, except the one that shelters us and covers us. But that's not a ceiling of limitation. That's a ceiling of protection.

I enter in by faith through hearing God and believing. "Faith comes by hearing." That's the way salvation started. God spoke to us, we believed and we entered in to the realm of the kingdom. As it is in salvation, so it is in each new experience and circumstance of life. The kingdom is present. It is present to explore. And there is lots of rooms to explore and spend time in. "In my Father's house there are many rooms.."

Jen and I right now in one sense are exploring the room of impossibilities and faith. It's very personal right now because it involves Sarah. We are accessing a realm in the kingdom because God said we could. Father stepped into the circumstance with Sarah opening to us His perception of things . With that comes His domain, the Kings dominion. We are now opening our eyes to see what's here. We are now opening our ears to listen to what He's saying. It feels so good to do this. Without it, we would be miserable right now.

So Jesus not only said this next statement He cried out with it. It's in the parable of the sower.

He cried out saying: "He who has ears to hear, let him hear!!!" In other words, "I'm saying something to you... listen. It'll change your life. It'll change your circumstances."

He also said in Mathew: "But blessed are your eyes because they see; and your ears, because they hear." What blesses our ears in this situation? It's not the death sentence we heard. It's not the doctor today whispering to a nurse in the hallway, "Let's wait and see" before checking the heart beat of the baby because He thinks Sarah might not be alive. What blesses our eyes? It's definately not an ultra-sound machine telling us things are wrong with our child. It's obviously none of those things. It's God. It's seeing Him. It's hearing Him. That's why our eyes are blessed right now, and our ears are blessed. It's hearing about His designs in this situation, situations we all can end up facing. He's telling us about her life that's coming. He's showing us through dreams of what her life is going to look like. Seeing and hearing... it's all in the kingdom. Enter through the gates into all that's possible for your life. That's all we are doing. We are taking the hand of Jesus and letting Him give us a tour of what's to come.

It's funny because we are living four months ahead of ourselves right now, even years ahead because He's speaking about Sarah and her life to come, which is beyond this moment. We have fixed our hope in Him with what He's seeing about her life in the future. We could have another ultra-sound right now and it might give us the same results as the earlier test did. But that wouldn't matter much. What's true is what God is seeing and saying. That's a superior reality to this earthly one. The reality of God dictates this one, it supercedes this one. That's why He told us to pray this way: "Our kingdom come your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven." We know this. So we are living here today, but allowing God's perspective, His kingdom perspective to fill our hearts with what His plan is for Sarah in four months from now and years from now. It's a strange way to walk through this, but it's so true. I heard Muhammad Yunus speak the other day about how banks in the west do everything upside down. So when He was questioned why he did the opposite of western banks he said (in essence): "The way western banks do business is like they are standing on their heads, so I turned it all around rightside up so that things would work properly." That's how it feels right now. God is doing that with us. In this situation we are not standing on our heads, God has us standing upright. He's flipped us around to see things the way we should. And in the meantime we can't wait to meet our little Sarah.

Update on Sarah

2008-01-25T13:21:00.000-08:00

To our friends -

We wanted to inform everyone of the recent developments concerning Sarah. We first want to say thank you for praying for us and Sarah. We feel the support and we are truly blessed by it all. Thank you for the emails and the phone calls, the cards. We love to hear from people. Don't hesitate to call us. It's great to be able to share what God is doing. So thank you. We feel loved.

So how is Sarah? She is doing great! We had a doctors visit today and the doctor said her little heart is beating at the rate it should be. He said with surprise: "There's a lot of momentum in this child!" Praise God for that! So that is good to hear. We are not suprised. We told him that there's a lot of prayer going out for her.

Jen is beginning to put on weight which hasn't been the case for the last so many months, so that's good. The growth of her uterus is where it should be. Jen's heart and mind are also in a most amazing place. I'm so proud of her in how she's been responding to all of this. It's been a great encouragement to me.

So we are standing on what God has been speaking to us. We feel pregnant with promise. I've been keeping an online journal that people are welcome to look in on if they would like to. I've been writing on there some of things we have been hearing from Jesus concerning this situation with Sarah. We've been learning a lot through all of this. What we began experiencing from the Father that following day after receiving the news about Sarah has continued to grow deeper and stronger. We feel His wonderful favor and joy on our lives right now. We really are overwhelmed on days with His goodness. We feel the support of our praying friends and family. And we feel that there is something from God for all of us in this situation. We so want to share what we are coming to know in this with all of you. So the blog/journal is apart of sharing what we are experiencing so people that aren't living here with us can tune in and see what God is doing. The journey is all about Him. I've also posted some pictures that my sister Laura has been put together with the scriptures that God's been speaking to us through. She's an incredible artist and lover of God and lover of all of His creations. Most all the photos she has taken some with her beautiful black horses.

The address for the blog is: jenniferjdalton.blogspot.com

The other event that's significant to mention is that a couple days following the news of Sarah's condition our landlords came by the house giving us a thirty day notice to get out of our cabin. They have some aversion to children for when they found out we were pregnant a couple of months ago, they asked us to leave the cabin before giving birth. So we moved out the next week after they came by with the notice.

So now we are living in a back mother-in-law unit that our friends Dave and Bunny Koppa have made available to us. They have been a true blessing, and our living situation right now is very comfortable. We love being here with them. It's been a real gift in the midst of this. So we are thankful to be here.

Other than that we are learning about what impossible situations mean to God, and how much He loves them. So if you feel you are facing impossibilities, know that there is a God who relishes in being welcomed into situations that seem at the edge of hope. He is a miracle working God with immeasureable amounts of joy. We are standing in that wonderful current drinking in His goodness. Thank you again for praying for us. Bless you.

Joseph and Jennifer

God is Planting Redwood Trees in the Desert

2008-01-25T08:14:00.000-08:00

From the Parable of the Sower

Part 2
Jesus shares in the story of the Sower that there are different kinds of soil. He clues us into what those different kinds of soil are when He says:

"And the seed in the good soil, these are the ones who have heard the word in an honest and good heart..."

The soil represents different kinds of hearts. We know that this is one type of soil He calls good - "an honest and good heart". Everyone wants to be spoken of in that way. In the parable Jesus describes three other kinds of soil, or conditions of the heart. I'm seeing for ourselves through this parable different ways of responding to the present circumstances. It's like God is highlighting this passage to illuminate what He is wanting for us... as well as what He is hoping we will avoid.

We know what happens to the "honest and good heart". It says: "And the other seed fell into the good soil, and grew up, and produced a crop a hundred times and great." It also says of these people: "And the seed in the good soil, these are the ones who have heard the word in an honest and good heart, and hold it fast, and bear fruit with perseverance."

As I understand it, it's saying that those who hear "the word" of God and hold on to it, believing, trusting , allowing themselves to be changed, to grow up, so as to produce the fruit of mature love, faith, hope etc.., that persevere, that are steadfast in their believing, that love the truth and understand and live in the goodness of God, will see a harvest of fruit, "a crop a hundred times as great." In other words they will increase. The blessing in their lives will multiply. The harvest in their lives will be enlarged.

I feel like God is saying this situation with Sarah is to multiply blessing in our lives. We are in a season of multiplication. God wants to use this situation with Sarah to bring increase to us, to enlarge our hearts. He is wanting to mature our love, to grow us up into the things of God. He wants us to be fruitful and to multiply. Having a child is multiplication. What more demonstrates fruitfulness than having children? This fruitfulness is not limited to just Sarah, though that is a major part of it. The fruitfulness I feel He's speaking about is our lives, and the lives of our friends and family. It's a fruitfulness that is to touch all aspects of the way we live and approach God, His Kingdom, and the world we live in. God wants to multiply His goodness and life in us through this circumstance we are facing with Sarah. Our hearts are being enlarged through His word as it finds root in us, as it grows and matures insides us, as it accomplishes all that it was sent forth to succeed in.

Listen to Isaiah:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, Neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so shall my word be which goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it." - 55: 8-11

We are learning again in this situation that the way God thinks about things is different than we do. We are learning that God wants to enlarge our hearts and bring increase, multiplying His goodness in our life through "a way" we would never have chosen. I love that He says; "It (His word) will not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it." We are not to be left empty. If God is saying His Word won't return to Him empty, why should we worry that it might return to Him empty through our lives. We shouldn't... we should trust. God's desire is to be accomplished and the word is to succeed. He sent it with real intent and purpose and it won't return to Him without doing that.

God is saying to us, "let your meditation be on this, that I'm successful in all that I do. I accomplish what I desire. My words are like the rain and the snow coming down upon the earth, upon the fields of your heart, upon your circumstances, causing the seeds in your life that I've planted there to bear and sprout life. What I'm doing in you will furnish for you a multiplication of that seed. I'm producing in you a harvest of life."

I feel God is strengthening us in who He is in our lives through this circumstance. He's not just adding to us one life in Sarah, but telling us that through Him as He is giving to us Sarah that our lives in God are in a season of multiplication, especially as it relates to Joy, peace, rejoicing and laughter. Listen to the verse that follows the one above:

"FOR (connecting word) you will go out with joy, and be led forth with peace; the mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thorn bush the cypress will come up; and instead of the nettle the myrtle will come up; and it will be a transformation of the desert as a memorial (a name) to the Lord, for an everlasting sign which will not be cut off."

The Lord keeps emphasizing to us the importance of joy. Here it's repeated again. We are being led forth with peace. We are going out with joy. Through this circumstance with Sarah God is giving to us His joy and peace, His laughter and rejoicing. I feel we can pray this over this situation. We will not have thorn bushes. We will not have nettles growing here. We will see growing in us, in this situation, trees of the Lord - the cypress and the myrtle. We are praying for the desert, where ever we find them in our lives to become alters of worship and praise, so as to bring glory to God. They are to be testimonies of His name, of who He is. In the most difficult places, in what seems like impossible circumstances where only arid plants live, myrtles and cypresses are being planted by God. Plants that need lots of water to thrive in. In other words, God is planting redwood trees in the desert. That's what we are praying for. Imagine what that will speak of His name then.

I'll cover the other heart conditions in Part 3

Pregnant with Promise...

2008-01-25T08:11:00.000-08:00

"And other seed fell among the good soil..."

2008-01-24T13:07:00.000-08:00

From the Parable of the Sower LK 8:4-21 (read first)

PART 1
"The sower went out to sow his seed..." God is a farmer... yes it's true, with the intent of reaping a harvest. He is sowing seed into our lives to reap a harvest from our lives. That harvest is happening and is going to happen. Right now He is sowing his seed. He is speaking His words to us, to our hearts, to all those who have ears to hear. We are to be the ones who have ears to hear. His desire is that we would be the ones with good soil for his words to be planted in. Through this planting of His words we are to grow up into the things of God and His kingdom. God wants to multiply the harvest in us and around us. Having relationship with Him, the Word of God, allows this to happen.

"And other seed fell into the good soil, and grew up, and produced a crop a hundred times as great.." "..He who has ears to hear, let him hear." "...To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God, but to the rest it is in parables.."

We are the soil that the "other seed fell INTO." God is speaking to us and sharing with us His perspective. Those words are speaking of things happening now and they are speaking of things yet to unfold. In our circumstances they are words of promise, speaking to us of unseen things yet to manifest and be revealed. They exist in God, in Heaven already, but they are yet to be released here on earth. That happens through our faith as we listen. What we hear impregnates us with promise. The words God speaks are to form in us an "... an honest and good heart..." Our faith releases the growth God is giving to us. With our "honest and good heart" "..(we) hold it fast and bear fruit with perseverance..." so that we see those "words" produce what God said they would.

Our growth is connected to believing in those living seeds(words). They will take root in us, allowing the new shoots of life to reach up and come forth out of hidden places into the light, so that a harvest, a harvest of fruitfulness, can happen. God is creating something out of nothing. He sees the plant and/or tree in the seed. He sees the fruit buried in the earth. He sees the light in the darkness. He sees the harvest in the bag of seeds. He sees what is hidden in us and knows exactly what is needed to bring it to fruition. He is patient. He is not slow. He is speaking in the language of agriculture for a reason. He knows what is necessary to produce a harvest. You have to wait like a farmer does. First things first and that first thing is to sow the seed (Word). Such a small thing at first. You don't see evidence of anything when the seed is sown in a field. All you see is dirt. That's all that is visible. You can stand at the edge of the field and look down the rows and see no evidence of life. But underground, underneath the view of the naked eye, something is beginning to happen. Life is breaking forth as the husk of the seeds are broken. Within us it's the same. You see nothing at first. It's all buried in our hearts. The words of God are pushed into the good soil of our hearts into what God calls our, "honest and good heart." And then with patience and perseverance we begin to see the words of God manifest. And the fields begin to grow upward towards the harvest they are meant to give.

"Now no one after lighting a lamp covers it over with a container, or puts it under a bed; but he puts it on a lampstand, in order that those who come in may see the light." For nothing is hidden that shall not become evident, nor anything secret that shall not be known and come to light. THEREFORE (emphasis added) take care how you listen..."

The things God is speaking prophetically to us in our hearts, in the hidden place of our prayer closet, so to speak, will become evident, will be made known. God is speaking prophetically in secret with the intent of revealing what He has spoken to us in secret. Why? "... in order that those who come in may see the light." That light reveals His nature, it's His glory. God is going to be glorified through our circumstances. So He lets us in on His secrets so we know what's going to happen, what we need to do and how we need to handle ourselves. There's more to it than that of course, but the idea is, God is into revealing Himself to people. He wants to take hold of our lives and our circumstances, put His seed (Word), His prophetic revelation into our hearts so as develop in us faith, friendship, relationship, loving partnership in the unfolding of His Kingdom on the earth. To us that is happiness, that is joy and laughter. It is apart of what we rejoice about. This is what produces gladness of heart and fullness of joy. This is to us eternal life, Kingdom life. For what He has sown and sows into us prophetically is of utmost importance. This is what becomes evident and is made known to "those that come in". There is a revelation of God, a revealing of who God really is through the fields of our life and circumstances, especially through the impossibilities of our situations that really gives to God what He's looking for. We are to be burning lamps of the Glory of God so that those who come in, whoever they may be, will see the light. The seeds that we are given are light. They are to illuminate the world once they come to full maturity, to the full maturity of love, knowing who God is, knowing who we are.

The Light of Faith

2008-01-23T17:56:00.000-08:00

".. a well-built house.."

2008-01-23T16:54:00.000-08:00

"Everyone who comes to Me, and hears My words, and acts upon them, I will show you whom he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug and went deep and laid a foundation upon the rock; and when a flood rose, the torrent burst against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built." luke 6:47,48

We've been hearing God speak to us clearly from this passage. It's been foundational for us over the last couple of weeks. I wrote this in my journal the week we received the news about Sarah.

"Everyone..." - no one is excluded. There isn't a person in any kind of circumstance that disqualifies them from connecting to God. There's only one condition placed on us. You have to come to God - "Everyone who comes to Me..."

After coming to God, you then have to listen. You simply need to have a listening heart so you can, "..hear my words..." Incline your ear to hear what He has to say. (God speaking) I want to speak to you. I want to be heard. What I have to say changes things. The entrance of my words brings light. My light allows you to see. It allows you to understand. It allows you to respond to me and what I'm doing. The actions that you then take will move mountains. You can act in confidence and trust in my perfect design for the circumstances because I've told you before you move. Let the circumstandces unfold without trying to control them. Allow my design to override all others as you respond to Me.

There is a house being established by God. God wants us to dig, to go deep, so He can establish strong and true foundations in us. He wants us to dig past what is earthly, what is familiar, past what we think we know to do. We are digging deeper to what is solid, to what is eternal. Our digging is after the heart of God, It's a pursuit for the intimate places of God's heart. There is a revelation of love, of the heart, of community life, of fellowship, of the Kingdom of God that we are digging to find. In the place of prayer, worship, and in the place of heart to heart connected living we are seeking a deeper understanding and greater expression of love and joy that God wants to give to us.

This is the house being built. It's a well-built house capable of withstanding any flood, storm or tempest that may come. It's a house that cannot be shaken. In this midst of difficult times, where the odds are stacked against us, and things seem impossible, we find ourselves rejoicing and celebrating the goodness of God, and the power of the Most High God to bring about His kindom and His purposes. We can stand without intimidation and fear, not fearing loss, but anxiously awaiting what God wants to give. God is saying we get to increase when it appears that the battle seems lost. In other words what God is doing is our focus, not what the enemy is doing, and out of that focus, we get to see the Kingdom of God bring about It's justice in the circumstances we face.

Deliverance

2008-01-23T14:44:00.000-08:00

Incomprehensible Peace...

2008-01-23T11:45:00.000-08:00

"honor me..." - God

2008-01-19T19:05:00.000-08:00

"Honor me..." - God

Our faith is to honor God. I'm learning through this experience with Sarah that God gives us opportunity to honor Him by the things we face. So obvious to say that, but when it comes to really difficult things, things that have the impossible written into them, it's sometimes easier to concede defeat before even beginning the good fight of faith. I think we often don't even enter the playing field for fear of disappointment awaiting us. Some don't outwardly say that, but in their hearts they've all but given up already. At the word of bad news, they prepare for loss. Who knows why. It might be that so many defeats already have gotten the best of them, so what's the point in hoping again. But I believe there is a reason to hope in the most difficult of circumstances. There is something special to circumstances that test your faith. I feel there is something important for us to understand in this situation with Sarah, one like many that people face everyday. For they will come to us all... and our response is paramount to all that our lives are to be about.

Impossibilities afford to us an opportunity for the nature of God to be revealed. Without them we would not see the different faces of Jesus that He wants us to see. God is a multi-talented personality with outrageous abilities and capacities. His creative instincts are immeasureable and without limit. He can take dust, breathe on it and make it sing like a lark. He can create oceans and fill it with life. What can He not do? So it is in human affairs. He raises the dead when there is no longer chance for life to continue. I feel He wants to reveal Himself and be known to people. He doesn't want to just be read about or known theologically. He doesn't want to be known only in the pages of a book. There's more and His revealing is to be glorious. It's to happen all the time -daily... because that revealing changes lives. It changes everything when He is allowed to be central to our lives and circumstances. I mean really central, where His perspective effects our attitudes, thoughts and actions.

He gave Sarah to us and his longing to be central in this circumstance is clearly felt. He is recreating it to fit His designs, so that we will be recreated by the impact of his perfect will. Sarah has come in a package yet unfinished or broken. To the medical world she is an impossibility. She is not made to live. God stands in the wings if you will and looks to us for a response. He looks to be placed in the middle. He understands our delima and what we are facing. And still He looks for our response. He looks inside us to see what we believe. He listens to how we pray, and what we think about. Our response means so much, if not everything. He has chosen things to be that way. He has allowed so much to depend on our response. Why else would He say: "The power of life and death is in the tongue..?" If you are speaking... then whose got the power? There is a lover in God who looks lovingly at us, wanting to see one of his beloved ones responding to life's problems in the true knowledge of God, expectantly awaiting and knowing the difference He will make in the situation. He's concerned about outcomes... but not only that. He's concerned about the process and our proximity to Him - to the truth, to the life in Him. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying, this is not a test to see how well we perform. Responding isn't about performance. God judging how well we do. I feel like He's looking to our hearts simply wanting us to know Him intimately, and to be free. He wants life for us when death is being spoken. He wants love for us when noone is loving us. He wants us to not feel alone when we feel like there's no chance we can move the mountain we are facing.

We know the power ultimately starts and ends with God, but we play a role in the unfolding drama and our response is meant to honor God. I've been leaning into understanding what it means to live in this situation in the identity of God honoring Him. In other words, who is God to us in this situation and what does He want to do here? I felt a couple of days ago He shared with me that this situation with Sarah is an opportunity intended by God to reveal Himself, and not only do that, but glorify Himself through it. He then began to talk to me about my response... When I first heard the news about Sarah, Jen and I were rocked. We were taken low by the news. And I guess that's expected and normal. Most people would experience the same. He then began to talk to us about the situation and our hearts began to come back up. We began filling with hope. And now our confidence is secure in the power of God and His ability to take this impossible situation and turn it into something glorious. The Bible is full of stories just like that. So why not this situation?

What He said yesterday impacted me concerning my faith. He said in essence, I'm looking for my sons and my daughters to respond with excitement when they are faced with the impossible. I want them to get excited because the revealing of my nature, of what I'm like, is connected to it. He was saying He wants me to get used to living in impossible circumstances, that in truth, this is the normal Christian life. A life of miracles, both small and big, is the normal Christian life. The faith that Jen and I have in this situation should be normal. It shouldn't suprise people at all. To believe for Sarah's perfect health and healing should be expected, especially since He is who He is. I felt Him wanting me to believe naturally for such a thing to happen in her life, like He had wished that would of been my first response instead of despair. He understands my intitial reaction, and He's not upset with it. I can feel now though, He wants to teach me how to respond differently from now on.

He then began to show me how this circumstance was reawakening me to the way I should always be living. And that I should not stop here, but that there is so much more to living by faith than hoping for the occasional miracle. More than even miracels are to be normal, but a world of relationship is found ahead. The reason he wanted my response to be full of hope instead of despair when I first heard the news about Sarah was because the way I respond is directly connected to what I believe about Him and experience in relationship with Him everyday. You could say it reveals how close I really am with Him in this area of my life. It's telling of what I really think about God and how much I know Him - all of these things being super important to Him. They are important to me too. But I didn't fully grasp what significance it has to so many things of my life. For one, my life that He has been leading me to live will not happen unless I abandon myself to a lifestyle of living in the impossible. As crazy as that sounds, I think it's true. I think it's not just true of me, but of many of us.

So I've noticed in one way how soft I have been living. Soft meaning, not challenged in my faith like I once was, not believing for enough, not really allowing for impossibilities to be present as much as they should be in my life. One of the most essential elements to our relationship with God is our faith. If all that I'm doing in life is freely accessible to me without faith, what kind of life am I really living? It says: "without faith, it is impossible to please God." I was seeing that my life is to not only have impossibilities present in it, but it's actually vitally necessary for me to have them if I am to fulfill all that my is meant to be about. Without impossibilities our lives lose a big piece of what our life is to witness to. We need impossibilities so that the miraculous can happen, so that the nature of God can be revealed, so that God is glorified, so that people can see, know and come to the beautiful God who loves them deeply. Our lives are meant to be all about honor... and that honor is to Him. "... all praise, and all honor and glory unto you!"

These circumstances, like this one with Sarah, are all about Him. We are all apart of the story, but all arrows are pointing to one person. We are given the privalage, which is great, to be apart of lovingly directing people's attention to the beauty of a God who wants to disclose Himself, become naked to the humanity that He has created and loves. For within these kinds of circumstances a wonderful gift is offered to the seeing and hearing heart. That gift and/or gifts will be unwrapped inside hearts like yours and mine as we step to the side and allow Himself to take center stage. Hope is a gift being given here. Life is another one. Laughter is being given. Peace like a river is a real thing... and is pouring into our hearts and others. Confidence in the goodness of God is on the table. People can take of that bread and get full. There is so many things being given, all because God is taking opportunity with an impossible situation the requires an absolute miracle. Before the miracle itself happens, before we know whether or not the death sentence will prevail (which it won't), life is happening. The unshakeable God with His unshakeable Kingdom is unmoved by the flood of gross news. And those He calls His own are finding a solid place to stand. There is a sure foundation under us. And in the waves of destruction that came to wash us out to sea, a well-built house is going up instead (Luke 6) The torrent of destruction isn't taking us out. Our footings are not giving way. No. Instead we are increasing in strength trusting in the unfailing goodness and unchanging nature of a miracle working God. Thank you Jesus! This is for real. We are not masking secret pain and despair. We are not in denial. We are not on the back foot. We are watching God establish His house in our hearts that will be unto others what we have always wanted: A place of refuge and love where healing is accessible, God is true, and hope is ever alive.

A Supernatural Child

2008-01-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

1-15-08

On this morning while Jen was reading her Bible three folded pieces of paper fell out of the back of her Bible while sitting in the sun outside on the back patio. She didn't remember ever having read them. But she noticed on the date it was written by me(Joseph) about a year and a half ago. She showed them to me and after reading them I started to understand better what they were speaking to. It was something I felt the Lord speaking to me back then, but I didn't fully understand all that it meant. At the time when they were written, it seemed like this area of the coast in Santa Barbara was ripe for something to happen. That God had an intentional design and purpose for this area and that was soon about to unfold. It felt like the spiritual atmosphere was pregnant with this plan and there was revelation to receive concerning it. God wanted to do something different and unique in this part of the world. So I wrote down at that time just some of the things I felt he was sharing. I'm unsure of all that it means, but I find an interesting connection to what is written then to what is happening now with God, Jen and I and Sarah. This is what is written on those pieces of paper:

Luke 1(paraphrase with other scriptures and thoughts added)
"Angel sent from God", "and coming in... God/Angel (spoke to her) said to her..." "to a virgin" (the pure in heart shall see God)
(favor) - "...the Lord is with you" "found favor with God." "... you will conceive in your womb..."

Question from Mary: "how can this be since I am a virgin?" - Impossible to have a child
Mary's question is our question. We doubt. We see our lack. We see our inabilities. We see the impossibility of the situation.

Answer to Mary: "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you;
Mary's answer is our answer. God comes upon us. The power of the Most High overshadows us and brings forth what He wants to happen.

Then(speaking of Elizabeth) "She who is called barren is in her sixth month" - barren, old age, no chance to have a baby
NOTE: Jen is in her sixth month and they are telling her there is no chance of having a baby.

Angel says: "FOR NOTHING WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD."

In verse 1:39 Two mothers with child(pregnant) come together - now filled with Spirit when coming together.

God is looking for a virgin, in other words, one without guile, pure in heart. One whose motivations are pure, not self-seeking, not after ones own gain, profit or comfort, but after God's own heart, his kingdom and purposes, one whose willing to BELIEVE IN THE IMPOSSIBLE, who is humble and not proud in the thoughts of their heart, who fears God, who isn't deluded by their own self-importance.

God will send to us, will visit us. He will "come in" and speak to us His Spirit will overshadow us. His power will come upon us and will impregnate our own hearts and spirits with a seed or seeds(baby) from Heaven. It will be a new life, a new thing. We will CONCEIVE THIS BABY ON THE INSIDE AND NURTURE IT BEFORE GIVING BIRTH TO IT. He will share with us a vision and as we continually come together we will be filled with Spirit. And we will "stay on together" like Mary did with Elizabeth. We will be together bfore God, in relationship UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN.

For God to establish something significant in this area it will have to be born in God. It will have to be A SUPERNATURAL CHILD, WITH THE DNA FOR THE IMPOSSIBLE. - "John the Baptist said, A man can receive nothing unless it has been given him from Heaven."

Natural thinging will not suffice. Natural thinking will leave it earthbound. Everything satrted in natural thinking(as good ideas) will wither like the flower of the field. It will be here today gone tomorow. GOD IS LOOKING TO BIRTH ETERNITY IN OUR HEARTS and wants to establish us in a new place in the spirit, in a place of supernatural vision and prophetic revelation. For when we take hold of that, or when we become impregnated with what is filling God's heart (or is presently formed in His heart), WE ARE GIVEN SOMETHING UNSHAKEABLE, IMMOVABLE, SOLID THAT CAN WEATHER STORMS.

A picture of that unshakeable kingdom as it comes to shake the kingdoms of darkness is:

The birth of jesus in a stable.

The unshakeable kingdom will begin to take root in us as it relates to Santa Barbara and this area. We will then stay on together until it is birthed in the natural.

"For He whom God has sent speaks the words of God, For He gives the Spirit without measure."

"...God has sent.." - Being sent, called, chosen for a particular task, position, or whatever - anoints you to carry out what is needed for the situation. Heaven's resources are available to you to be successful, but it is God who sends, not us, not our knowledge, or experience, status, or whatever. We don't self-appoint ourselves.

"... For He gives the Spirit without measure." THis is what we need and are to receive. We are to be filled (overflowing) like Mary and Elizabeth experienced before their babies wer born.

KEY: John 3:6 "That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is Spirit."

This was written in June of 2006. Jen is due to have Sarah Elizabeth in June of 2008. We are believing for the supernatural child with the DNA for the impossible. The filling of the Spirit is like unto the experience of Joy, and the experience of laughter. God is speaking to us prophetically and giving to us supernatural vision for the journey. Thank you God.

Sarah said, "God has made laughter for me

2008-01-19T08:50:00.000-08:00

1-14-08
Before going surfing the other day, our friend Leslie brought a pink piece of paper out of the nearby prayer shed with this verse written on it. I immediately felt the Spirit of God was on those words wanting to say something to us. The following morning I wrote the verse down in my journal and began to write down what the Holy Spirit was saying. It's as follows:

"And Sarah said, "God has made laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh with me."

I feel this passage is speaks to the essential experience of all that is happening right now with Sarah. She is our gift of laughter. We are being given laughter out of the creative resource in God. He is giving us joy in the midst of impossible circumstances. He is giving to us laughter. We are all laughing with God and with Sarah. She is a gift of laughter and joy. And for the next few months laughter is to mark this season of our lives. She will make us laugh today, tomorow and years to come. God is saying: "Sarah is happy and laughing... and we can join her and rejoice in this circumstance. There is a stream of rejoicing flowing through our lives and all who come into contact with this situation concerning Sarah will be touched by joy and laughter. All they have to do is open their hearts to the surpassing goodness of Jesus and to the glad God who dances over us. The laughing God who laughs at his enemies, and laughs in the face of trouble is releasing to us springs of living water to drink from. He is filling us with joy, and gladness of heart.

(God talking)
Let Laughter be your meditation. Consider my laughter. See me laughing and enjoying Sarah. Let yourself move to a place of understanding my laughter for your life. There is a gift of laughter for you here. Sarah is laughing with me. You can too. Your lives are to follow in the steps of my laughter and joy. I am a happy God, full of laughter. I rejoice over you . I'm rejoicing over Sarah - I'm laughing. Laugh with me all the way to her birth... and then keep laughing. My laughter is contagious - it's to spread. My laughter is effective warfare. It's protective against fear. It's pushes away discouragement. it brings the heart back to a place of open embrace and accessibility. Laughter will take you into my world and my kingdom. I'm laughing all the time. I want you to enjoy me and enjoy yourself. Laugh your way through this. I will help you. laughing is an expression of trust, that you are going to be okay. Laughing is an axpression of my peace that is beyond understanding. This situation is laughable. Laughing will help you forget what the enemy is doing and will bring you face to face with me.

God begins to speak 1-08-08

2008-01-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

All of the following we heard the morning following the news of the ultra-sound. These words of hope and joy have been the initial inspiration for taking the journey that we are now on. I've added the phrases (God talking) and (Me talking) to clarify the text and whose speaking. I wrote down the things I felt God was speaking to us. It isn't to say that these are the exact words of God. It's a written understanding of subjective impressions that we received while in prayer - all of which are prayed through and measured against the truth of the written Word. These are copied from my journal. We are thinking about sharing the journal and what we've been hearing from God each day of the journey as it relates to Sarah...

(God talking)
Concerning Sarah Elizabeth Dalton -
Thankfulness is key. Stay thankful. Abide in it. Keep your heart there... out of thankfulness will flow all that I want to give. Thankfulness is a foundation stone for this time (".. he is like a man building a house, who dug and went deep and laid a foundation..." Lk 6). Thankfulness will open to you all that I want to bless you with. There is treasure in store for your hearts in this.

"The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good...for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart." Lk 6

"...which fills his heart." I am filling your heart with treasure. Thankfulness in your hearts is a receiving dock for my treasures, so that I may fill you. Your mouths will then speak the things that fill your heart from Me. Your mouths will speak the things of heaven that have come to abide in your hearts.

Sarah Elizabeth is a gift. She is a gift to you from myself. The princess with the nations written on her heart (Sarah) who has made me her vow (Elizabeth). My precious little girl that I've trusted into your care. Let your hearts open fully to the gift of her life. For if you do, the impact will reach to the ends of your life.

(Me talking)
God is building a house. "... a well-built house.." Lk 6:48 This house is one of love. It is one of love for the broken and the lame. He is forming a heart in us for the ones who don't have all of theirs, or who have lost their hearts due to pain, hurt or damage. It's a house to withstand floods and torrents whose strength is not found in human capacities, but whose strength is found in the person of God, in the fullness of his Spirit, where all things are subject to the goodness of God.

(God talking)
You are subjects of my goodness. You can live subject to goodness, not evil, not disappointment, nor loss, nor pain. You can live expectantly under my faithfulness to your life. Fear not the things that threaten your peace, your security and the promises I have made you. I will bear you up on my knee, on the wings of eagles... so that you will inherit my goodness and not just receive it occasionally. This situation is to engulf you in a flood of goodness. The enemy wants to engulf you in distress and worry. He wants to tear your house down. He wants you to build without foundations (Lk 6). Fear will do this to you. But I've told you to "fear not!" for I am with you. Anything is possible when I am there. This is about so much more than survival or the loss of a dream. See it differently. See it as I see it. See it as a fulfillment of dreams. "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future. I am not going to harm you." And I will not let the plans of the enemy succeed. Like broken arrows they will fail. Like a broken bow, I will untie all the efforts to destroy you. Live where I live and you will see a day dawning that will have no end. I'm building a house to withstand the worst of storms. I'm raising you up...

Inside Jennifer is the nations of the earth.

I'm building a house that the torrent cannot shake.
"... and when the flood rose, the torrent burst against that house and could not shake it, because it had been wll built."

(me talking)
God brings a shaking to bring down what is not built by him.
The enemy brings a shaking so that God can approve and establish that which is built properly by Him.

We can hold the gift of God close to our hearts without fear of losing it. Whether things live or die makes no difference, loving is never wrong.

Our starting place is not defeat, but is victory. We have already won the race, that's why we can compete without fear of losing. We've won. So we don't have to hold on tightly. We can love freely and trust the outcome to God. Our job is to join the race and run as a winner. (God talking now) "There is no shame here. There is nothing to hide. Do not be ashamed of this little girl. Own her as your own. She is yours. She belongs to you. Do not reject her... receive her. Love her as your daughter. Love her without reservation. Love her as my own daughter. For she is from me.

(God talking)
My kindness I want to release through you. There is a kindness, a compassion, a bountiful stream I'm releasing through your innermost beings at this time. It's a river of love for people. It flows from where Sarah Elizabeth lies. It's a part of her gift to you. She will give you a deeper love for others. That's a part of her personality - the gift of her life. Sarah is a lover of people. She is a loving light.

Initial Shock Wave...

2008-01-14T22:39:00.000-08:00

To all our friends...

Hello to everyone. Jen and I wanted to inform you of the recent developments taking place in our lives right now. Most of you know we are expecting our first child somewhere around the end of May. We are presently entering our sixth month and had our first ultra-sound on Monday to find out the sex of our child. During the ultra-sound, the doctor gave us some shocking news. Here is the news from the doctors perspective(as they understand it):

Our child supposedly has what is called Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13, both fatal diseases. These are basically development problems caused by an extra chromosome at the point of conception. The problem is not caused by genetics, diet or anything related to our lives. It's a fluke thing that happens rarely and no one is to blame for it.

This is generally what happens: When the cells begin multiplying at the beginning of development the extra genetic material causes imperfect forming of the baby. Things get mixed up and the baby can have problems from top to bottom. It can affect all the internal organs, the brain, the heart and the extremities. They are saying our child is without major valves in the heart. The brain has severe hydrocephalus as well. We don't know in detail the extent of the problems as they see it, and we don't need to know. We know enough. Doctors predict she will most likely die in utero. If by chance she does make it to birth, she would not have the ability to survive without the support of Jen's body. So in essence she has been given a
death sentence.

As difficult as that is to say, it is not not the last word on the situation. God will have the last word on her life. Let us first tell
you what our little princess's name is: her name is Sarah Elizabeth Dalton. Jen has had numerous dreams about her, even before we got pregnant, and it seems this is the name God has given her.

We want to say, we are incredibly thankful for the gift of her life. We love our little Sarah and we are enjoying each day we have with her. We are greatly encouraged by the goodness of God in this situation and can honestly say, in spite of incredible odds stacked against us, we are walking in a beautiful joy and peace and hope that is truly supernatural. We are not down, or depressed or overwhelmed by the circumstances, we're actually really encouraged. We are enjoying God and Sarah in the midst of this, and we plan on doing so all the way to her first breath of life. We feel she is going to be fine, and we are resolved to keep our eyes and hearts fixed on what God is doing.

We must say the first few days were rough and terribly difficult to handle, but upon going to our Father and talking with him about Sarah, everything has changed. God is speaking to us and we are listening. He is asking us to simply take one day at a time and trust him for the outcome of her life. He is speaking life over her and so we are too. We are believing him for a miraculous turn around for Sarah. We are believing what He has to say about her life and not what the doctors are predicting.

There is a real, tangible, loving grace wrapped around us, causing us to believe everything is going to be alright. We know either way she will be born into our arms or into the arms of God, and we are at peace with whatever God decides. Please do not feel sorry for us or feel like we are to be pitied. Please don't. God has favored us in this situation and we are truly thankful to be given Sarah. We love her and feel that in this situation we are going to be blessed beyond what we could ask or think. His promises are true and we are seeing the goodness of God more alive than ever. Join with us in celebrating her life and celebrating the goodness of God.

We believe He has plans for her to come into our arms whole and perfectly healthy as God would intend her to be. Our faith is for healing. This is our appeal to you: to join us in fighting for life and for all that is good. Our starting place for taking this journey is knowing that we're already victorious. We have already won this race and that's why we are able to run it. God will not fail. Love never fails. Thank you for caring and thank you for praying. We are receiving from your prayers a bounty of treasure. Thank you so much and please be in touch, we would love to hear from you.

Take care,

Joseph and Jennifer (and Sarah Elizabeth)